Standing at the Crossroads

Providence.....

2011-09-03T23:32:00.005-05:00

At 6:18am I received a text message from a friend letting me know that her daughter had passed away at 5:20am. It was a text I had been expecting and dreading since she had called me 6 months prior to inform me that S. had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it was terminal.

I prayed for S. daily. Though I had never laid eyes on her, I prayed fervently. I prayed for physical healing and I prayed it would occur here--in this world. I wanted the doctors and those who were in charge of her care to witness a miracle so big that they would be in complete awe of God and unable to give credit to anyone other than the Lord Almighty. I wanted her to live! Instead--God allowed me to witness a miracle that will forever change my life and reminded me what living really is.

Because of privacy and names, I do not feel as though I can lay out the entire story here, in public. But, what I can say is this.....

2 weeks ago nobody was sure about S's salvation and this morning--Jesus welcomed her home. God used a series of Divine appointments and true Providential orchestration to reconcile His daughter back to Him.

6 months ago S. had only a month or so to live, but she continued to take one breath after another. She stood at death's doorway more times than her family would care to recall--only to be completely lucid the next day. Nobody understood why--until 3 days ago.

3 days ago S. encountered the messenger God sent to her. A daughter of Christ unafraid to share the Gospel with a dying woman she hardly knew. A woman who understood the desperate need for S. to turn her life over to Christ. A woman who had left just a few days earlier weeping for S's lost soul. A woman who led S. in the sinners prayer and placed S's hand in Jesus'.

S. may have passed from this world on Saturday, September 3rd, but truly she died 3 days earlier when she became dead to her sins and asked Christ into her heart. 3 days later, God raised her from the cancer-ridden body that held her captive in this world and crowned her with "love and tender mercies."

There were several times in the past month when I cried out to God in frustration because He had not healed S. and this morning, while I prayed for S's family, I felt the sting of tears brim my eyes as God gently reminded me that S. was truly healed. He had answered my prayer just as I had asked--just not in the way I had asked. Praise God! Once again I was left with what I already know and often forget--His ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than mine.

I am looking forward to meeting S. face to face someday as we stand before the Throne of Grace.

"For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone,

declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!"

Ezekiel 18:32

"He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies."

Psalm 103:4

Doesn't Matter How Far They Are.....

2011-08-17T00:01:00.003-05:00

Friday, August 12th Samantha turned 20 years old. Monday, August 15th she moved out of our home and into her new place. And.....my heart was not quite ready.

I had not allowed myself to really think about Samantha leaving home. I knew it would be hard and it would be an adjustment, but I also knew it was part of the growing up process and I was fairly certain I was prepared for it. Quite frankly, there had been many days over the past year when I was looking forward to the day she would get her own place. Not because I was anxious to have her out of the house, but because she seemed unhappy living at home and I knew she wanted to spread her wings. I remembered being her age and wanting the same thing. Even though I loved my parents and got along with them very well, I couldn't wait to be out on my own. I knew Sam was feeling that same itch and the only way it would get scratched was to leave.

As the weeks leading up to her move began to shorten I could feel myself kicking and screaming within. Sam and Josh are both graduated, Sam is getting ready to move, Josh will be joining the Marines and Jordan is starting high school. How did we get here, God? Is there any way I can have a re-do? I think I can do better. I can be a better parent. I will spend all of my time with them and not take any of it for granted. If only I had known time would go this fast I wouldn't have wasted so much of it. Please God....please......

While our God is a God of 2nd chances, there would not be the one I had requested; Monday came and my little girl went. As I drove alone with her stuff in the back of my car the realization swept over me--our relationship would never be the same again. It might be stronger, it might be weaker, but it would never be the same.

Jo and I stayed with her and helped her unpack and then we just sat and talked for a bit. The truth was--I didn't want to leave. Finally, I knew it was time to go and told Sam that we needed to leave. She responded by saying "You're just going to leave me here?" and I smiled and said "Well, yes. This is your new home." She sighed a bit and I could tell it was just as hard on her as it was on me. We walked outside and stalled with a little small talk--then I gave her a hug and the tears began to fill my eyes. As we pulled away I could see that she was crying as well and it took everything I had to drive away.

Shortly after I got home Sam sent me a text that said "I miss you already!" I knew how she felt. As I looked around the house there were reminders of her everywhere. While she hadn't lived in this house all of her life, she spent the majority of it here. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite pictures of her was taken when my parents bought this house and Sam came with them. She was about 3 years old. Since that time these walls have seen her celebrate approximately 14 birthdays, have several sleepovers, accept Christ, prepare for 2 proms, nurse her heart when it's been broken, graduate from high school, and grow into a beautiful young woman.

I miss her. But, I know she is where she is supposed to be. I am proud of her beyond words and cannot wait to see what God does in her life. She is only 20 minutes away and will be home every Saturday, but to my heart--it may as well be around the world. Of course, God likes to keep things in perspective for me.

After dropping Sam off a friend of mine, Sue, sent me a text wondering why we don't have Bible study on Friday. I told her it was Sammie's birthday party and when she responded she misspelled Sammie's name. So, I poked fun at her by sending the same misspelled name back. Sue apologized and said she had been in kind of a fog lately. She said she had Skyped with her daughter that morning and that she was really missing her--her daughter is working in a Christian school in Indonesia for 2 years.

I was immediately reminded of how fortunate I am and told Sue that I could not imagine what she was going through since I was shedding tears just leaving Sam 20 minutes away. I expected her to say "Yep! Be fortunate that your daughter is here and not around the world! At least you get to still see her!" But she didn't. Instead, she showed grace and compassion and sent me these wise words....

"But when they don't come home at night, doesn't matter how far they are."

So true my friend!

Lord, thank You for my beautiful Samantha. I love her more than words can express. Please watch over her and comfort her as I know this is harder on her than it is me. Also, thank You for keeping things in perspective. I am thankful that Sam is not far from home right now. I just don't think I could handle that...yet. Neither could she. Of course, You already knew that, didn't you?! You really are so good, Lord. I also thank You for the friends You have place in my life. You always know which one to use at just the right time. I pray that someday I would be a blessing to them as they are to me. I love You, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.....

Your Blood Speaks a Better Word.....

2011-08-16T23:24:00.005-05:00

I have so many things to record that I am not sure where to start. Abraham was right for stopping in his tracks and building an alter right then and there when he wanted to remember how far God had brought him. Yet, many times when I have sat down to write...the words simply weren't there. How can I put into words what God is doing?

The restoration between Amber and myself, and the fact that He used a baby to bring it about, fills me with such awe and wonder that I can scarcely understand it. He allowed the two of us so many intimate moments while we were at the hospital that now our relationship feels as though we were never apart. The cracks in our relationship that were once wide and gaping are no longer visible to the naked eye. Instead those cracks have been sealed with grace and love and bonded by an infant who has stolen our hearts.

When I look into Amber and Brenden's faces I often forget that there is no blood that holds us together. Instead, we are bound by our hearts and the Holy Spirit. She doesn't have my eyes and he doesn't have my smile. Yet, God has been gracious to allow such a strong resemblance that that those who do not know us well believe we are related by blood. And, truthfully we are. We are related by a blood stronger than that which runs through our veins. We are bound by the blood of Christ....a blood that runs deeper, wider, higher and longer than any blood found in our mortal bodies.

God used a baby to restore my family, but why that surprises me I do not know. Long before He restored my family He used a Baby to restore His. A Baby born to parents He did not share blood with, but He shed blood for. A Baby who stole the hearts of many....including my own.

Thank You, Lord.....

Dear Eddie....

2011-06-08T20:15:00.003-05:00

Do you know that her best friend is Victoria? Vic is one of the very few people that she opens up to completely.

Do you know that kids flock to her? Not just kids she knows, but all kids, random kids in grocery stores.

Do you know that she wants to work with kids? No. Not teaching. She wants to be a children's pastor.

Do you know she is afraid to tell you that because she is afraid you will make fun of her or make her feel as though she is a disappointment?

Do you know that every time she looks at a picture from her 8th birthday she points out the fact that you told her she looked "pregnant" in that dress?

Do you know that your daughter feels like she is second, sometimes third and fourth, in your life?

Do you know that she has cried herself to sleep after getting off the phone with you?

Do you know that she believes that you feel as though she is a "mistake"?

Do you know that her favorite color is purple?

Do you know that she has a great sense of humor?

Do you know that all she has ever tried to do is please you? Even if it meant not being herself!

Do you know that she will spend the rest of her life trying to undo the damage you have done?

Do you know that he is excelling in C.A.P.? He has promoted every 8 weeks and that is very rarely done!

Do you know that he is a hard worker and comes in whenever they call him?

Do you know that he is completely in love with his new nephew and totally spoils him?

Do you know that he loves kids and will be an incredible daddy someday?

Do you know that he has an awesome sense of humor?

Do you know that he loves playing online video games and would love to play with you?

Do you know that choosing to stay with me was one of the hardest decisions he has made?

Do you know that he almost chose to go to USC just because you wanted him to and he wanted to make you happy?

Do you know that when you told him he was no longer your son that it broke his heart?

Do you know that he hates it when you treat him like he is the favorite child?

Do you know that neither one of your kids ever wanted money from you? They simply wanted their dad to love them and be proud of them. Do you know that neither one of them feels that from you?

These are the things that I want to say to you, but can't. It is no longer my place. Our children are adults and this is their battle. The sad thing is....if you were to read this list you wouldn't feel bad, apologize to them or try to change. Instead, you would allow it to be an excuse to cut them out of your life for good. And, I will not give you that excuse!

Lord, You know my heart--and it is hurting for my kiddos. I am thankful that they have a Father in Heaven who loves them no matter what. Every child deserves that kind of unconditional love. Please help Eddie to grow up and be the parent that You have called him to be. And, help me, too. I certainly have made my own share of mistakes. It is only because of You that I am the parent I am today...and I still have lots of work. I pray Eddie finds You, Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ....I pray. Amen....

May 22, 2011

2011-06-07T23:25:00.003-05:00

Welcome to the world......

Brenden Hal Rodgers

Born at 7:27pm

5lbs 11oz

19.8 in

After being born at 34 weeks, this sweet little guy spent a week in the N.I.C.U. at the Nebraska Medical Center. He was expected to be there for at least a month, but God had other plans!

So many intimate moments to share......soon!

May 14th, 2011

2011-06-02T20:22:00.002-05:00

It was harder than I anticipated. The culmination of 18 years welled up in my eyes as I watched the PowerPoint share the story of my baby boy becoming a man. And, once again I wondered....where has the time gone?

I glanced over at him throughout the ceremony. His chiseled face and tall stature scarcely resembled the little boy I once held in my arms. But every now and then he would smile and I would catch a glimpse of that sweet, baby boy--and I would feel the sting of tears once more.

I knew this graduation would be harder. Not because I love Josh any more than I love Samantha, but because I understand that my time with this child is limited. I know that within a year my little boy will no longer be mine to hold, but will belong to the United States Marine Corps--and in this world, in this time of war, I understand that every moment is precious. However....I also understand that this boy was never truly mine. He was, is, and will always belong to God and it is into His hands alone that I will release him.

My prayer for you, my son, is that you will fall in love with Jesus Christ the way He loves you. I pray that you will know and understand, to the best of a human beings knowledge, the depth and breadth of His love. I pray that you truly believe "The task ahead of you is never greater than the Power behind you." I pray that regardless of where you go, or what you do, you understand that God is always with you and that even when you drift far from Him...He is always waiting for you to return. I pray that despite being in the Marines and having a chain of command to report to, that you understand your true Commanding Officer is Jesus Christ...and that you report to HIM daily.

Finally, it is my prayer that you know that I love you more than words could ever express. Raising you has been an honor and a privilege and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world.

Lord, thank You for this boy! I pray that I have raised him in a way that has honored You...even though I know there were plenty of times my attitude, heart and mouth did nothing of the sort. I pray that no matter which roads he travels he will ultimately travel the road that leads back to You! Please watch over him and protect him, Lord. In the name of Jesus...Amen

Not-So-Little Man

2011-04-08T02:18:00.011-05:00

On March 22nd my little man turned 18 years old! As I reflected on the day of his birth I remembered just how badly I wanted a son. I already had Samantha and I longed for a little boy. The doctors were pretty sure I was going to have a boy, but wouldn't give me a 100% guarantee. Still, I knew.

The labor and delivery were pretty rough, but when I saw Josh for the first time I was completely in love. I remember fearing that I wouldn't be able to love him the way I loved Samantha. I already loved her so much that I just couldn't imagine loving another child. However, his chubby cheeks and turned up nose melted my heart and I knew this boy was going to hold my heart in his hands. And, he still does.

He has grown into an amazing young man with a perfect balance of book knowledge and street smarts. His sense of humor can send me into hysterical laughter at the most inopportune times and, my one of my favorite things about him--he can be a bit O.C.D. While I am not always proud of my own O.C.D. tendencies, I love seeing myself in him. A reminder that no matter where we are--there is always a piece of me with him and vice versa.

We have walked some tough roads together and we have walked some tough roads apart. I have cried out to God on this child's behalf more times than I can count. Yet, we have a God ordained bond that binds us regardless of distance--physically or emotionally. I praise God for that bond every day as I am painfully aware that it is only by His grace that it exists. Paths that were taken could have created a gap so wide that it could have never been bridged.

My son is now a not-so-little man. He is graduating in a few weeks and will join the Marines shortly after. I will continue to cry out to God on this child's behalf more times than I can count as I learn to let him go and watch him navigate this life without me by his side.

Josh-

I love you more than you know. Someday, when you have children of your own, you will understand the depth of my love for you. It has been my honor and privilege to be your mommy and I am so thankful God chose me for you. I pray that you will love God with everything you have and allow Him to shape you to look more like Him every day. Nothing you will ever do in all of your life will ever be as important as following God. I love you Buddy!

Lord-

Thank you for my son. He has brought me great joy and great heartache throughout the years--and I wouldn't trade a moment. Thank you for the bond you have given us and for watching over him. I know he is safe because of You and You alone! Please continue to protect him in every way and grow him to be a strong spiritual leader for his own family someday. I love You, Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray.....Amen.

Healing and Restoration

2011-03-15T00:43:00.003-05:00

Last year Amber asked me to walk her down the aisle when she married Kellyn. The request took me by surprise and completely off guard. Amber and I had not spoken much and frankly, I was still quite hurt by all that had transpired when she left our home. I thought I had forgiven her, but as the day of her wedding approached it was clear that I had not. I looked upon her wedding day with dread instead of excitement and even though I was happy for her--my heart was hard and I remained distanced emotionally. The big day came and went and we even got together once after the wedding when they opened presents, but I felt no connection. I made a few feeble attempts to stay in contact by texting her a few times, but truthfully--I just did not desire a relationship with her. Too much had happened and I did not see how we could ever recover.

In October I heard, via Facebook, that Amber and Kellyn were expecting a baby. I was happy for them and I think I even managed to send a "Congratulations"--also via Facebook. Sam and Jo were both really excited and kept talking about being 'Auntie's', but I just stayed quiet. Amber did not seem to want me in the picture or she would have called and, to tell the truth, I was glad she didn't. Even though I still thought of Amber as a daughter and I missed her deep within my heart--I was done.

Then, last month God began to speak to me about grace. He began to show me that when Amber lived with me I often showed more grace to strangers than I did to her--my own daughter. Yes! Amber was a handful; she was untrustworthy, obstinate and disrespectful. She hurt my family and I deeply, but she still deserved grace and compassion. How many times have I hurt God deeply? Yet, He still shows me grace and compassion. The truth is, I expected Amber to have the same walk with God that my other girls had--despite the fact that she had only been in a Christian home and Christian church for a couple of years. With every mistake she made and every lie she told I tightened the reigns on her and refused to let up. Eventually, it became unbearable for both of us. As God continued to reveal this to me, I knew what He was calling me to do--and it was not going to be easy.

I sent Amber a text and asked if she was going to be in town and asked if I could take her to lunch. She told me that she would be in town the following week and said she would like to have lunch, so we set the date. However, the day we were supposed to meet everything went wrong. I was struggling to finish a couple of assignments for school and I was having a hard time finding a time I could meet with her. Thankfully, she was very flexible that day and we were able to meet a little later in the afternoon. Looking back I can clearly see Satan's handiwork in trying to prevent the meeting, but God is so much bigger than that!

We met for lunch and were face to face for the first time in almost a year. I had Sam and Jo with me, so we had some lunch and made some small talk. Then, I asked Jo and Sam to wait in the car so I could speak with Amber alone. I looked her in the eye and explained what God had been speaking to me and I asked her forgiveness. She graciously accepted the apology and apologized to me, too. I told her that I wasn't apologizing so that I could be a part of her life, but strictly to seek forgiveness. However, I also told her that I was not opposed to being a part of her life and that I would love to be involved with her and the baby as much, or as little, as she wanted me to be. I was amazed at the fact that she seemed happy to have me in her life, but more so--I was amazed at how happy I was to have her back in mine.

We have spent several days together now. She came to town two weeks ago and we had lunch and went to a play after church. Then, yesterday she came to church and we went to lunch again and went to Walmart to look at baby stuff. After Walmart, Amber picked up Kellyn and they went to the movies with Sam while I went to small group. After small group Amber, Kellyn, Sam, Josh, Jo and I played Monopoly with Brett and Heather and for the first time since 2008 all of my children were together--laughing and playing. My heart was full.

I am truly amazed at the love God has given me for Amber. Our relationship is still under construction, but it is being built on a solid foundation of love, trust and forgiveness as God heals the wounds of our past and restores our future. I am in awe of Him--as always.

And--I'm going to be a grandma!

Lord, I am humbled. I love You.

Update....

2011-02-23T01:58:00.003-06:00

Sammie updated her blog!!! Actually, she has 'secretly' been blogging and finally decided to let everyone in on it. My guilt trips finally worked! YES! Mother's guilt....there's nothing like it:)

Just click on this link: A Christian Teenagers Life

Love you Sammie!!!

Better Half..

2011-02-19T20:55:00.002-06:00

I have always thought the term "better half" was funny in relation to a spouse--especially since it is generally used towards the wife, not the husband. The term seems to indicate that one part of the couple is better than the other and, well, it is just comical.

Last week as the girls and I were heading to the city for girls day, Jordan informed me that the young man she likes had went to the Valentines Day dance at the middle school the previous night. I asked if he had a good time and she said she hadn't talked to him and that he hadn't text her in a couple of days. I teasingly asked her why he didn't invite her--knowing that he didn't because she is not allowed to attend school dances. I should have known better than to open that can of worms, but the top was popped and Jordan began to plead her case.

Jordan has wanted to attend school dances for the past couple of years, but I have remained firm in my stance against them. One of the perks of working with the youth is that they trust you and open up to you about many things--one of them being the goings on at middle school and high school dances--and it is not pretty. However, when you are fourteen years old, home schooled, and the boy you like gets to go to the dance....well......

Jordan began her persuasive speech by informing me that she had spoke to another home schooled girl who attends the middle school AND gets to go to the dances and SHE said the dances were really good and that NOTHING bad EVER happens there! Knowing that my response would cause Jo years of therapy for having the ONLY mom who doesn't allow her child to attend school dances--I carefully reiterated my reasons for being the meanest mom on the planet, but cheerfully told her she could look forward to going to the Jr./Sr. Proms. She was not very happy.

I have been a single parent for most of my parenting years and typically--I do not mind it. But, it is during times like these when I really miss having an earthly partner to back me up. Then, Jo's phone vibrated and she received a text message that reminded me that I am not alone in this.

Jo picked up her phone to read her message and said "Wow! That's weird! John just sent me a text message and we were just talking about him." I chuckled and agreed that it was strange and encouraged Jo to ask him how the dance was without her. His reply caught both of us off guard--"You don't wanna know!" I immediately thought he had went to the dance and met some girl and was getting ready to crush my daughters heart (clearly I still have some trust issues, but that is for another post) and I could tell Jo was slightly apprehensive in pressing the issue. Nevertheless, she did persist and John sent a text that said the police were called to the middle school dance due to fighting and drinking. While it didn't dawn on me right away, the realization suddenly came upon me--Jesus, my Husband and Partner, was stepping in to help parent His child. Jordan may have been able to argue with my decision based on hearsay, but when faced with the truth--she had to concede that the decision I had made was the right one.

As I pondered the unfolding of events that day something dawned on me--Jesus is my Better Half--literally. While most couples throw that phrase around jokingly, I speak those words with a heart that is both, humble and grateful. I love the incredible intimacy in which my Savior, my Husband, reveals Himself at just the right time--always when I am at the end of me.

Thank You, Jesus....for loving me the way You do.

Happy Valentines Day....

2011-02-14T01:39:00.001-06:00

This is a re-post from 2008, but it is just as true today as it was then....maybe even more so......

Since I have no 'earthly' husband, you would think that Valentines Day wouldn't mean much to me. You would be right.....most years. This year is different, though. I have a desire to celebrate this day of love. Well, who wouldn't when their husband is the King of Kings? So....I have decided to list all of the reason's my 'Heavenly' husband is better than an 'earthly' husband on Valentines Day (and every other day for that matter:)

1) My Conversation Hearts don't say dumb things like 'Will you be mine?'. They say things like "you are fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14)

2) Instead of a dozen roses, He has given me an entire planet filled with trees, flowers, and wonders. (Genesis 1:1)

3) I don't have to stand in the card section for an hour looking for the 'perfect card'. He hears the whisper of my heart (Luke 16:15)

4) In lieu of a box of chocolates, He has promised me treasure in Heaven. (Matthew 6:20)

5) He doesn't bring me a stuffed bear holding a heart that say's "I love you". Instead, He gives me living, breathing creatures to enjoy......(and not have to dust:). (Genesis 1:21)

6) I don't get diamonds, but He did place the stars in the sky for me. (Psalm 19:1)

7) He gave me my favorite perfume: the Aroma of Christ (2 Corinthians 2:15)

8) We don't go out for a fancy, expensive dinner. Instead, He gives me daily bread to nourish my body and soul. (Luke 11:3)

9) He carries my burdens instead of giving me massages. (Psalm 68:19)

10) He loves me so much......He died for me. (Romans 5:8)

And, when I pick a daisy and pluck it's petals, I never have to say "He loves me not". I get to say over and over: He loves me, He loves me, He loves me, He loves me.................................

Thank you Jesus for being a faithful, loving, caring, devoted Husband. I love you!

Imprints on the Heart

2011-02-03T01:05:00.004-06:00

It has always seemed funny to me how somebody can suddenly pop into your mind for seemingly no reason. Tonight, as I sat doing my Church History homework, that is exactly what happened. As a matter of fact, this particular girl has popped into my mind frequently for the past 26 years.

I remember the first time I saw her--I was in 9th grade and in my freshman year of high school. She was a senior and definitely one of the most popular girls. She was tall, blonde, slender, and beautiful. She had delicate features and yet, there was nothing very delicate about her. She was outgoing, bubbly, and appeared full of self confidence--you know--everything I wasn't. She was a stark contrast to me--the awkward 9th grader who felt like a duck out of water. This girl seemed to have everyone eating out of the palm of her hand.

It was Spirit Week in October of 1984 and the seniors called themselves the Senior Spirits. They wore white ghoulish costumes and ran through the school displaying all the spirit of a senior class enjoying their last year. Lisa was no exception. She happily displayed her 'Senior Pride' by participating in every activity and standing out as a definite leader. I remember watching her and being totally captivated by her presence.

Shortly after Spirit Week were class elections and it came as no surprise to me that she was running for Senior Class President. I don't know whether it was her nickname or what, but everybody was referring to her as "Toast". As a matter of fact, her entire campaign was centered around the word. I had no idea what it meant and frankly, I don't know if many people did, but it didn't seem to matter. "Toast" was plastered all over San Lorenzo High School and so was Lisa's face and name.

Then, one afternoon Lisa and I had a chance encounter and although I do not remember all of the details, what I do remember is the realization that Lisa was as beautiful inside as she was on the outside. As this captivating girl who 'ruled the school' crossed the path of an awkward freshman, she took a moment to flash a smile and say "Hi! I'm Lisa!". I smiled and introduced myself and couldn't imagine why she would even take the time to say hi to someone like me. But, I walked away feeling a little more special that day.

A couple of weeks later, in late November, there was a buzz around the school. Something wasn't right. The air was thick and the mood was somber. Nobody was talking loud, but people were definitely talking. As I walked through the halls some people were crying and others looked as though they were lost. Then I heard the news--Lisa Monzo was missing. She was last seen walking in the rain on the railroad tracks behind the school. She was on her way to work, but never made it. There was speculation around the school as to who had been with her last and suddenly everybody's lives were turned upside down. The school was filled with police officers as they questioned Lisa's friends and warned us to stay in groups and not to walk alone.

I couldn't believe it. How could this beautiful girl, so full of life, have just vanished? It's something you read about in the paper. It's something that happens at other schools to people you don't know and have never talked to. It definitely doesn't happen to girls like Lisa who, just a couple of weeks ago, took a moment out of her time to talk to someone that most people would have ignored.

Approximately four days later my mom woke me in the middle of the night to tell me that they had found Lisa's body--she had been raped, strangled, and left under some brush next to the railroad tracks. I remember gasping and saying "No!" and as I laid back down to go to sleep I felt my body begin to shake. It felt as though the wind had been knocked out of me and I knew sleep would not come that night. The day we met played over and over in my head like a broken record and I just could not believe that I would never see her smile again. However, with each passing year the wounds of that terrible loss for our school began to heal and by the time my class graduated in 1988--I seldom thought of her.

Over the past 26 years I have thought of Lisa often. I did not know her well--as a matter of fact, I did not know her at all and now, I can hardly recall her face that I once could not get out of my mind. But, what I will never forget is how she made me feel. Because of the way Lisa chose to live her life, she will forever be a part of mine. She left an imprint on my heart that the span of time can never erase.

I continue to grieve for her, but no longer as a young girl stunned by something so tragic and heinous, but as an adult woman with children her age. My heart breaks for the woman she was never able to become and for the dreams she was never able to fulfill. As I think back to her vibrant personality and the impact she had on those of us who went to school with her, I can't help but wonder what kind of impact she would have had on the world. Unfortunately, we will never know.

Tonight, as I did my homework and Lisa came to my mind, it dawned on me that I have never really shared this story. I have seldom spoken of her and on the rare occasion when I have told her story I have chosen not to share mine. Instead I have held it close to my heart--like a secret between lost friends. Somehow--tonight was different. I wasn't sure why, but for the first time I had a desire to share this part of my life. I am sure there are some who would say it is meant to bring closure to a painful part of my past, but I believe it is quite the contrary.

Even though Lisa has crossed my mind throughout the years I had almost forgotten about our encounter that day and the way she made me feel, but as I reflected on that day so many years ago God reminded me of something.....

People may forget what I look like or what I have said, but they will never forget how I make them feel--and I need to be careful about the imprints I'm leaving on the hearts of others.

Thank You, Lord for bringing Lisa to my mind tonight and thank You for that brief encounter so long ago. I pray she is with You Lord and that someday we are standing next to each other as we stand around Your throne praising You. I also thank You for using her to remind me of the impact I can have on someone's life--no matter how brief or long my time with them is. Help me to make others feel the way Lisa made me feel that day--special and important. I love You, Lord and I am constantly in awe of how You choose to teach me lessons. In Jesus' name...Amen!

Power in the Shower

2011-01-26T13:50:00.002-06:00

For several years I spent my mornings praying in the shower. In a house that was busy with the hustle and bustle of a morning routine, the shower was my only solitude. It was a wonderful way to start my day--I emerged from the shower feeling refreshed physically, mentally, and Spiritually. However, as homeschooling slowed down the morning pace and, especially after I left my job, my morning meetings with God became less frequent--until they stopped altogether.

This morning it dawned on me how much I miss those mornings. I miss hearing the kiddos running around and getting ready for school and all of the little conversations that took place. But, more importantly, I miss my quiet time with God. Even though I try hard to find quiet time throughout the day to spend with Him--it's not the same. The truth is--our lives have changed. We no longer have to spring out of bed and into action. As a matter of fact, often our days are spent in pajama's as we do our school work. That is one of the perks of schooling at home. However, this morning as I prepared to take a shower I felt a strong desire to spend time with God in our old meeting place.

I emerged from my shower this morning feeling refreshed and invigorated after spending some much needed alone time with my Savior. I laid some things at His feet that I had been holding onto and found a familiar comfort as the water washed over me in my make-shift Sanctuary--and I walked away with the realization that this would be the most important part of my day.

My life has changed dramatically over the past several years, but there are some things that need to remain the same--and my morning time with God is definitely one of them.

Lord, I loved our time together this morning. I love You.

Welcome Home...

2011-01-19T16:10:00.002-06:00

I love vacations! I enjoy being away from home and sleeping in hotels. I don't know if it is the knowledge that there is a maid who will come clean up my mess or just a change of scenery, but either way--I love them! Even short hotel stays are exciting to me. Perhaps I just need to get out more:) However, what I love even more is coming home. Even though I may dread the end of a trip once I get close to home I can feel the excitement of familiarity begin to wash over me. I begin to daydream about sleeping in my own bed and being surrounded with the things that help make our house a home. The most luxurious hotel room could never compete with warmth and comfort of my own home.

I have been under the weather for the past week and because I have a hard time concentrating when I am not feeling well, I have not been reading my Bible. Last night, as I got ready for bed, I had an overwhelming desire to spend time in the Word of God. I picked up my Bible and turned to where I had left off a week ago--1 Thessalonians 3. I had only intended to read a chapter because I was exhausted, but once I started I just could not stop. I felt a warmth of familiarity wash over me and it took me only a moment to realize that God was welcoming me home.

As I settled in to sleep I was overwhelmed by His presence and in awe of how readily He awaits us. I thanked Him for drawing me close and for making His familiar Word feel fresh and new--and I thanked Him for always being there to welcome me home when I have been away.

Goodbye 2010...Hello 2011

2011-01-12T17:17:00.002-06:00

As I reflect on 2010 it feels as though it went by so quickly--like it was a mere flash of the camera. There are various snapshots of events that flood my mind, like: Samantha's graduation, our family vacation at the lake, Jordan's 13th birthday(and official entrance into the 'teens'), the Beth Moore conference with my Bible study group, and Josh's surgery and Civil Air Patrol promotions. Many of those events held both laughter and tears, but each one is cherished as 2010 ends and 2011 begins--and as I continue to reflect I am amazed at how God has worked in my life.

2010 found important friendships strengthened and other ones dissolved as God revealed the importance of having godly women in my life, but exercising caution as to who those women are. God has taught me that emotions cannot be suppressed forever and that showing emotion does not equal weakness. He also taught me that age has no meaning in His Kingdom as He used a young girl to show me the importance of listening to others and to help mend the strained relationship between my youngest daughter and myself. Above all--God used 2010 to help heal my heart of deep wounds that occurred the year before. Even though they continue to hurt at times, I can feel them closing with each passing day. It is a new year! The old has gone and takes with it anything I am willing to let go of.

In 2011 I choose to let go of past hurts. I choose to focus on the people in my life who love me and encourage me and take any focus off those who don't. I choose to be a better friend and to love others the way Christ commands me to. I choose to listen more than I speak and to not take out my frustrations on my family just because I know they will love me no matter what. I choose to take time out to notice the little insignificant things that mean more than I realize. Most importantly--in 2011 I choose to seek Christ with my whole heart and to not get caught up in the temporal things of this world. I choose to be set apart for the life God has called me to and focus on the path He has been leading me down.

Lord-Thank You for 2010 and all that You taught me and allowed me to experience. The slate feels so clean with twelve fresh months ahead, but as You have shown me tonight--those months go by quickly. Help me to stay focused on You and Your will.

Heart Smiles

2010-12-22T08:40:00.002-06:00

Sometimes my kiddos just crack me up! Particularly Sam and Josh. They are close in age, relationship, and sense of humor--needless to say this sparks some interesting banter. I remember waking up one morning to them arguing about whether Donald and Daisy Duck were a couple...and they were serious. They both had some valid points and it is still unclear as to who won, but it was definitely fun!

Last night, this is the conversation that ensued between my two very spirited children:

Josh-"So, do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?"

Sam- *laughs*

Josh- "Well, do they Sam?"

Sam- "What?! I get the full effect!!!"

Josh- "I love how she doesn't say "Hey! I can read!", but instead says she gets the full effect!!"

Oh how I love the kiddos that God has given me. They bless me in so many ways and simply make my heart smile.

Sam, Josh, and Jordan- I love you more than you could possibly know. I have so many cherished memories and moments with you. I watch other teenagers talk horribly to their parents and about their parents and I realize how blessed I am.

Lord- Thank You for giving me these wonderful beings that You knit together within me!

New Decade....

2010-11-17T13:35:00.002-06:00

Wow! I am always amazed when I look at my last blog and realize how long it has been since I have written. There are so many things going on and God is teaching me so much that I should be writing every day. However, the day gets busy and at the end of it I think "I will do it tomorrow" only...tomorrow never seems to come--until today:)

Where do I start? Well, maybe with my 40th birthday. EEK! Am I really that old? The calendar says "YES!" and my body definitely says "YES!", but in my mind I am still in my very early 30's. The thirties were a great decade for me because that is when I found Christ. Every year after that has been filled with growth as I have learned to have faith, joy, and hope in all circumstances and learned to accept God's unconditional Love. I am looking forward to my forties as I know God has so much more to teach me and I am looking forward to becoming more like Him every day.

I celebrated my 40th birthday with my family and some close friends. It was very low key and I was thankful. I was very nervous that my family and friends would do something horrific...like a surprise party complete with black "Over the Hill" balloons, but the day went by fairly uneventful and I let out a sigh of relief as I went to bed that evening. Grateful to God for the amazing life He has given me and shuddering at the thought of how I would have spent the day if I had never found Him. However--my sigh of relief was short lived.

On Friday night I walked over to Brett and Heather's house for game night with Travis and Nikki and as we approached the door I heard a large group yell "SURPRISE!" My first instinct was to run, but my son quickly, and sternly, told me "You're going in!" Travis's 30th birthday was Sunday so I was sure the party was for him and I was kinda mad nobody had told me. As it turns out....it was for both of us.

I hate parties like that. Well, I love them for other people, but I hate them for me; I despise being the center of attention. However, I couldn't be mad. As I sat there looking around at all the people I was completely humbled by how God had blessed me with such amazing family and friends.

Lord, I know I am undeserving of all that you give me--especially my family and friends. I thank You for them and pray that You will help me to show them how much I love them and appreciate them. I am looking forward to these next 10 years Lord and pray that above all things.....I fall more and more in love with You!

Crush!

2010-09-13T11:17:00.003-05:00

When you live in the Midwest, especially smaller towns in the Midwest, you get used to seeing a fair amount of roadkill while traveling the highways. And I don't know what it is about roadkill, but I just can't help but stare at it. Perhaps it is the mystery of trying to figure out what kind of animal it is or maybe it is the excitement of the possibility of seeing an animal that is not indigenous to this area. Whatever the case may be--I cannot look away until I have examined it.

As my son and I were driving to Omaha one day I could see a familiar lump in the road. I was pretty close to it when I noticed it and thought it was a cat or a coon, so I moved the car to the left so I wouldn't hit. Just as the car came up on it my eyes began to make out the shape--it was a turtle! And...just as the car started to go over it--he MOVED!

I anxiously told my son what I had seen as I was maneuvering my vehicle to the side of the road. He hadn't seen it and thought for sure that it was probably dead. I made a, very illegal, U-turn in the middle of the highway and went back towards the scene of the crime.

As we approached the little guy my son was convinced he was dead. He wasn't moving and there was a large, gaping hole in the back of his shell. However, as a semi passed over him he panicked and started to move. The thought of this little guy just sitting on the hot pavement with vehicles whizzing over him, and possibly hitting him, was nearly bringing me to tears. I couldn't do nothing, so I called a friend who worked with wildlife.

Well, apparently a turtle with a gaping hole in his back does not have a good prognosis and is not worth coming to pick up. But, I just could not leave him. I begged my son to do something--just get him off the road. So, Josh looked in the back of the car and found something to put over his hands and cautiously walked onto the highway.

As he drew closer to the turtle he could see that the wound was pretty bad. Considering this was probably a snapping turtle, Josh had to be careful and grab him as far back on the shell as he could so he would not get bit. He lifted the turtle and ran to the side of the road--placing him in a ditch, out of the sun, and covered with tall grass. My hero!

As we drove away I knew that the turtle would probably die, but I felt so much better knowing it would not be in the middle of the highway. I was proud of my son for caring enough to appease his mom, but also realized that his careful placement of the turtle had nothing to do with me--it was the tugging of his own heartstrings.

On our return trip home that day, as we approached the spot where the turtle was, we began to reminisce about the event once more. Josh told me to slow down and pull over when we got to the exact place, because he wanted to get out and check on the turtle. My heart sighed as I realized what an amazing heart he has.

As he got back in the vehicle he said--"He's gone mom! I looked around, but he is gone." While I knew he probably hobbled off to die, I couldn't help but hope that someday we would encounter a turtle with a large scar on his back. Josh and I chuckled at the prospect and I referred to our little friend as "Tippy". Josh didn't care for that name much, so I challenged him to come up with a better name--to which he promptly replied "Crush" from Finding Nemo. We both cracked up at how appropriate that name was for our little guy.

Lord, thank you for the events of that day! Thank you for allowing my son to have such a kind heart and for allowing Crush to be gone. Whether he lived or died is Your knowledge alone, but it allowed for a precious memory between a mom and her son. You are so good.

It's Been a Year....Literally and Figuratively

2010-08-31T12:27:00.004-05:00

It has been a year since my son moved back home and we have definitely experienced some ups and downs. I knew it would be quite a transition for him to move from California back to small town Iowa, but what I didn't realize is what a transition it would be for the girls and I. In case I wasn't sure prior to his leaving, upon his return my suspicions are absolutely confirmed--boys and girls are not the same!

Prior to Josh returning home, a day out with the girls consisted of going shopping with a definite trip to Bath and Body Works. Now, we still go shopping, but there is a definite trip to either Bass Pro Shop or Canfields. I actually like Bass Pro, but Canfields, well, that is a military surplus shop and is heavy laden with testosterone. Not exactly my favorite place....for more than one reason.

Josh is a Senior this year, so over the past year we have talked a lot about his future. When he arrived in Iowa last August he was unsure of what he wanted to do. He began to work for a friend of ours who has a farm and for a bit he toyed with the idea of becoming a farmer. I couldn't have been happier. Not just because that profession would keep my son close to home, but because when Josh was little I was sure he was going to be a farmer. He loved tractors, country music, and cornbread--all the ingredients needed to become one. But......it seems that God may have other plans for him.

Since returning to Iowa Josh became involved in C.A.P. (Civil Air Patrol), which is an auxiliary of the Air Force. Josh has always been fascinated by planes, guns, tanks--you know, all the loud things that boys like and he had definitely talked about going in the military for a brief time when he was really young and wanted to be an astronaut--before he realized that rollercoasters scared the tar out of him. However, going to C.A.P. seemed to have set off a spark that ignited a passion to serve in our armed forces. Suddenly, joining the military was back on the table as a possibility after graduation. I was glad he was keeping his mind open and exploring different options. Then, about two months ago, while on a mother/son date, we were walking through Canfields and I saw a sweatshirt that said "Marine Mom". I jokingly said "If you join the military I am definitely getting a sweatshirt!". My son's response left me speechless: "Mom, it's not a matter of if I join--it's just a matter of which branch I join." Suddenly, my heart soared and sank at the same time.

I have always been very proud of the country I live in. I get emotional when patriotic songs are played and understand that this country has always maintained its freedom with the cost of the blood, sweat, tears, and lives of those who fight for it. I do not take their sacrifice lightly and I pray for them often. I have seen parents who are upset because their children want to go into the military and I could never understand it--what an honor it is to have your son choose to go and fight for the country he loves. Yet, as I think about my own son joining the military I feel sick to my stomach.

Perhaps I would feel better if he would go into the Nuke program the Navy has offered him, but my son does not want to be trapped on an aircraft carrier 6 months out of the year--and I understand that. What I don't understand and probably never will is--my son wants to go to combat. He wants to fight--whether it is for the Marines or a special ops team like the Navy Seals or S.W.C.C. (Special Warfare Combatant-Craft Crewman)--he wants to fight. And, my heart hurts just thinking about it!

Lord- I know that this boy was never mine. You loaned Him to me to raise, but He has always belonged to You. Please guide Him as he makes a decision that will forever change his life. Please illuminate the road of the path that leads to You and Your will for his life. And please help me to let go. In the name of Christ Jesus I pray. Amen.....

Soli Deo Gloria

New Blog...

2010-05-31T01:01:00.002-05:00

OK! I know I have absolutely no business trying to do two blogs when I stink at keeping one, but since I consider my blog to be an alter to God and a legacy for my children, I really wanted a blog that chronicles my journey into youth ministry. So, I started this.....

DROPPING MY NET

This blog will be centered around the lessons I am learning as I travel the road God has paved for me. Over the next four years there will be times the road is smooth and times the road is full of bumps--and I don't want to miss a thing. For I know in every joy and every struggle God is using it all to shape me into the woman He has called me to be.

Soli Deo Gloria.....

Hope for the Future...

2010-05-28T21:30:00.003-05:00

On May 15, 2010 my baby officially graduated high school.

Two weeks later: out of town relatives are gone, decorations are put away, speeches are given, tears have been shed, and life feels like it did prior to that day. But, in my heart, I know life will never be the same.

Samantha is with her dad in California and even though I know she will be home in a few weeks, I also know that it won't be long until she is gone more than she is home and I am still trying to reconcile that thought with my heart--as my heart doesn't seem to quite grasp it, yet. However......I have found myself looking forward to the future lately.

I can't wait to see how God uses her to touch the lives of others through music and the gift of compassion He gave her. I can't wait to see if God will allow us to serve in ministry together. I can't wait to get the phone call when she says "I think I met the man I'm going to marry" and to meet my future son-in-law. And, eventually, I can't wait to meet my grandchildren. I can't wait to see how she handles being a wife and mommy and mostly, I can't wait to see her and her husband train their children in the Lord.

OK. Maybe I can wait, but because we chose to follow the Lord, I can look forward to the future. Generational sins will be broken and my children's lives will look so much different than mine. Because of the Lord there is hope for my future and the future of my children and all our generations to come. Letting go is hard. Even when I know that Sammie was never really mine to begin with, but hope makes letting go so much easier.

I wonder how I would feel if I never knew the Lord? I am guessing my world would feel like the bottom was dropping out of it. Instead, I can mourn the loss of my 'baby' while celebrating the young woman she has grown to be.

Thank You, Lord for allowing me the opportunity to raise this girl of Yours. Help me to consistently hand her over to you as I practice letting her go. Thank You for being eager to rise and show us compassion and for drawing me near to you. I fully understand that our lives have hope because of You and You alone! I love You.

Matters of the Heart

2010-05-03T19:06:00.003-05:00

Knowing that Samantha's graduation is drawing near has definitely kept my mind preoccupied. Not only am I busy sending out invitations and planning her party, but I am also trying to squeeze in as much time with her as possible--this includes making sure I have been present at every event she is involved in. Until a couple of weeks ago when God reminded me--I still have two other children that need their mom.

Saturday, April 17th, was a very crazy day for our family. My second eldest daughter, Amber, got married (more about that later), Samantha's prom was that evening, and Josh, who is a member of the Civil Air Patrol, had a Fly In and Promotion Ceremony. Of course the wedding was a priority as I had committed to walking Amber down the aisle and with this prom being Sam's last it was also a priority. When Josh told me about the Fly In I reminded him that I needed to be at prom walk-in's that night. He looked disappointed, but when I asked him if he understood he shrugged and said it was "OK". Apparently it wasn't.

A few days later Josh and I got into an argument over something that should have been no big deal. However, Josh was very angry. He went downstairs and I went after him asking what was wrong. As he gave his book a toss he looked up at me with tears streaming down his face and replied "What does it matter anyway? You didn't even care enough to come to my C.A.P. Promotion!" OUCH! I sat down with him and hugged him. I could have made a thousand excuses, but the truth is--I had failed to recognize the importance of this event in his life because I had been completely consumed with his sister. I continued to hold him as he wept and assured him that I would pay closer attention to the things that matter to him.

I thank God for that moment every time it crosses my mind--which is often. I truly believe God brought Josh and I to that place, at that time. Josh never cries! When he gets upset about something, it typically manifests in the way of anger and we end up in a big argument until he finally tells me what is really bothering him. So, the tears streaming down his cheek stopped me in my tracks. They left me no choice but to really listen to my son's heart. It was tough to hear that I had let him down, but I wouldn't trade that moment for the world.

Thank you, Lord.

31 Days

2010-04-14T17:46:00.005-05:00

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

As I purchase graduation announcements, take Senior pictures, construct a schedule, prepare my speech, and work on various meaningless tasks--I find that I am distancing myself from the true meaning of that day as much as possible. I am attempting to get lost in these trivial details so that the full magnitude of what is going to take place does not hit me.....

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

I have the privilege of watching a little girl on Wednesday evenings and she loves to listen to music on my laptop. Tonight I decided to play some songs from The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. Almost instantly I could feel the emotion well up within me and I fought to hold back tears as images of my little girl flooded my mind. It was as if I had been transported to another place and time--15 years ago--when she would twirl with her apron, basket, and book pretending to be Belle or jump up with extended arms to mock Ariel while singing "Part of Your World". Suddenly, my head was reeling with the thought......

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

Where has the time gone? I know it seems like the million dollar question, but I mean it. Where has it gone? How did we get here? I feel like there is so much I still want to teach her, yet I find myself constantly amazed at how much she knows. She is so far ahead of where I was at that age that I wonder what in the world I could possibly teach her. The simple truth is--I'm going to miss her. While she is my 'little girl' she is also my friend. I enjoy our late night talks and the way I can always count on her to go somewhere with me--even if it is just to the gas station. I love that she waits up for me to get home if I am out late and that she always kisses me goodbye--even if I am sleeping and don't know it. She is one of my best friends and I can't imagine not seeing her every day. I always knew this day would come and I knew it would come quick. Every seasoned parent is fast to let you know how quickly time flies. But......

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

And nothing could prepare my heart to let her go. I am trusting that God will give me every ounce of strength when the time comes, but for now I am going to be selfish a while longer.

The Wonderous Cross

2010-03-30T20:17:00.005-05:00

As we enter into Holy Week I can't help but focus on the cross. The cross that I seem to lose sight of throughout the year. The cross that served as a backdrop to the most amazing event history ever recorded. The cross that my Savior clung to as He took His dying breath. The cross that I often look at and completely forget its true meaning.

I spend time with God and read His Word, but every year, at some point, I become completely complacent about the cross. Then we begin the lent season and I find myself drawing near again. And by the time we enter Holy Week I am in awe once more. Completely wrecked with emotion for the God-Man who found obedience to the Father more important than anything Satan could tempt Him with. A love so big for a world so lost. A God who stepped out of His rightful place and onto the earth just so He could tell us "I've been there! I've walked in your shoes. I know how you feel."

Tonight as I ponder the God who loved me enough to go to the cross for me, I am without words. Thank you feels so small and I love you feels so over used. So, I come to Him in silence....with a song on my heart........

And once again I look upon the cross where You died

I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside

Once again I thank You

Once again I pour out my life.

Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross, my Friend

Baby, You Can Drive My Car......

2010-03-08T20:06:00.002-06:00

I woke up this morning to the sound of someone running down the stairs and I knew what was coming as I said "Good morning". Today is the day he had been eagerly anticipating since September 8th, 2009 and it is the day that I had been dreading since March 22, 1993. "Good morning" I heard him reply, followed quickly by "I'm gonna hop in the shower, then can we go get my license???" I smiled while replying--"I knew you were going to ask me that!"

My little boy got his license today! As we stood in line at the DMV the magnitude of it began to really hit me--my son is driving, my youngest will get her drivers permit next year, and my eldest is graduating this year. I could feel the tears begin to sting my eyes. I'm not a 'cryer' and the DMV wasn't going to be the place I started. I inhaled deeply and tilted my head back to keep the tears from falling. We finished 'business' and walked outside--and I watched my little boy drive off--without me.

Another milestone passed and one less to anticipate. Time is moving so quickly and I feel the urgency to pass on every little bit of knowledge--every nook and cranny of wisdom to these children God has entrusted to me. Yet, I feel Him whispering to me every day "Let go". Oh how I long to hold on and never let go.

Congratulations Buddy! I'm so proud of you! Please watch your speed, watch for deer, don't pick up hitchhikers, don't keep the stereo too loud, NO drifting, and always remember--your mommy loves you so much!

Buying the Lie

2010-03-04T23:57:00.004-06:00

I stink at science! Plain and simple--it has always been the proverbial thorn in my side. In high school I flunked it 3 times (Yes. 3.). I just didn't 'get it' and even if I could 'get it' the bigger question was always--why would I want it? I knew myself well enough to know that I would never have a job that required me to know science and the knowledge of how useless it would be to me in the future translated in my teenage mind to "Science is hard! I can't do it! Science is stupid!"

When my advisor at Crown sent me the list of classes for the Spring semester and I saw that Biology was listed panic immediately set in. However, I had done so well in my previous classes that I thought, possibly, I may be overreacting. As the class started and I began to survey the work I realized that I was absolutely right--"Science is hard! I can't do it! Science is stupid!" All the old feelings and fears came flooding back. By the end of the 2nd week of the class I was sure I would have a nervous breakdown. Then He spoke to me........

As I prayed to the Lord He brought to my attention the fact that I had bought into a lie the devil had sold me long ago. While science is definitely tough, it is not stupid and I can do it! I didn't do well in high school because I didn't care to do well. I was busy hanging out with my friends and partying. I never paid attention in class and rarely did my homework, but I am no longer that person; I am a new creation. I began to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ--to Truth! Amazingly enough....the next week was much smoother. The work wasn't any easier, as a matter of fact--it may have been harder, but my outlook was different. I knew that through Christ I could accomplish what He had called me to do. I am going to college because He has called me to this place and He will equip me with all I need.

This week has been extremely hard and I have felt those lies creeping in again. My old attitude is rearing its ugly head and science is beginning to feel 'stupid', but tonight, once again, God reminded me that going back to school has never been about the degree--it's about the journey. It is about me remaining teachable and allowing the Teacher to do His thing. It's about uncovering lies from ages past and breaking free to the truth of my future.

Thank You Lord for the gentle reminders You give me when I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I'm still struggling, but I know You are there....being my Champion. Cheering me on in the race. Thank You for loving me!

A Valentine to my First Love

2010-02-13T23:16:00.003-06:00

Dear Jesus,

So often I take Your love for me for granted. I become complacent, almost reckless at times, with our relationship and just assume it will continue. I stop coming to You for everything and begin trying to handle things alone. I get involved in the details of my day and forget to sit down with You and share those details. I expect that You know how I am feeling (which, of course, You do) and forget the importance of communication in our relationship. Until one day I realize--You and I haven't really spent any good, quality time together and a distance has begun to creep in.

I have allowed other things to take Your place. Suddenly, I am aware of all those times I heard You asking me to come sit with You for a bit before running out the door or picking up the phone or opening my computer--and it saddens me. I don't deserve Your forgiveness, yet I know You 'long to be gracious to me and rise to show me compassion' (Isaiah 30:18).

Thank You for the love You never fail to give and for always being faithful, even when I'm not. I love how You take care of me and the children--providing in ways I could have never imagined. You are more than just a Husband and Father--You are the Lover of my soul.

My First Love.

To My Sissy Who....

2010-02-06T02:19:00.002-06:00

Dear Whobeedoodle,

Two days ago you turned 13 years old and I am still trying to reconcile it within my heart and mind. It seems like just a few short years ago I brought you home from the hospital. 13 years has gone by too quickly. 13 is such a hard age. You're not quite a woman, but definitely not a little girl. I guess that is why they call it the 'tween' years.

I know you are trying desperately to stretch your wings because you think you are ready to fly, but I hope you will trust me when I have to clip them.

I know it feels like forever before you will be old enough to make your own decisions, but I hope you will trust me when I tell you--these years go by faster than you think and you need to enjoy the innocence of childhood.

I know you see other kids going to dances and hanging out with their friends, but I hope you understand that I keep you close because-- I understand that what looks like innocent fun will often lead you down roads you never wanted to travel.

I know there are so many things you don't understand and probably won't until your 'baby' is turning 13 years old, but I hope you trust that, next to God, I love you more than anyone. Sometimes that love is going to feel like a 'prison' to you because I will have to say "No!" more than I'm able to say "Yes!". However, just like a flower that is being grown in a greenhouse, you must develop a healthy, strong root system before you can be planted with all of the other flowers. If your root system isn't strong enough, you won't be able to fend off the weeds that want to grow around you and pull you down.

I'm so proud of the young lady you are becoming. Your path is not without some rocks and hills (your temper and self control), but I believe, with the help of God, you are strong enough to break those rocks and climb those hills. You are an amazing girl with an awesome heart for others. I am so anxious to watch God work in you and through you over the next few years. My prayer is that you will be moldable and allow Him to shape you into the woman HE wants you to be.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl :)
Love,
Mom

Oh Samantha!

2010-02-06T02:09:00.004-06:00

My daughter, Samantha, works at a local grocery store as a checker. She has the privilege of handling money that comes from, well, some not so great places. There is a lady we both know who often carries money in her bra and various discussions have ensued between us regarding this woman's 'wallet'. It creeps Samantha out and, frankly, I can't blame her!

While watching Criminal Minds at 2am, when we should both be in bed, Samantha randomly turns to me and the following conversation takes place:

Sam: "I have great news!"

Mom: "You do? What is it?"

Sam: "B. H. came through my line tonight--with a wallet!!!!"

Her face was totally serious! Mine, however, was not! I couldn't help but burst out laughing at her randomness, amazing sense of humor, and ability to delight in the little joys of life.

Love you Sammie!

Be Thou My Vision

2010-01-28T09:32:00.005-06:00

Last month I went to the eye doctor. My eyes had definitely gotten worse over the past year and since I am pushing 40, I was sure the 'B' word was going to come into play. Yep. That 'B' word......bifocals! However, it was just the opposite. Not only did I not need bifocals, but my vision had improved! How could that be? Things were more out of focus now than they were a year ago. According to my optometrist.....my eyes only seemed worse because the lenses I was viewing the world through were no longer a match to my eyes. Hmmmmm....

Lately, my life has been out of focus. Things have been a little rough and I haven't been able to get my eyes to focus clearly. However, this morning I awoke with a sense of clarity and focus that I haven't had for quite awhile. And God brought to mind my visit at the eye doctor. He reminded me that, once again, I was viewing life through the wrong lenses. I have been looking through my eyes, not His. And, even though my eyes had improved, my vision is far from 20/20.

Today, the world looks different. Everything is a little brighter and clearer and I am thankful for the revelation the Lord has given me. My vision will always be skewed, but through His eyes.....my vision is perfect.

"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light"

Hiding Place.....

2010-01-25T16:09:00.003-06:00

When I clean house I am a 'stuffer', which translates to:

I go around the house picking things up and stuffing them into places nobody can see. Closets, drawers, garbage cans, cabinets, baskets, boxes, etc. As long as it is out of sight!

And....it works! People stop to visit and, by all outwardly appearance, my house is clean and tidy with nothing out of place. However, lurking in places not seen by most eyes are mounds of junk that I am content to leave there until that day comes when I open the closet and can't shut the door again. Suddenly, all of my junk is exposed. No amount of stuffing will do....it's just full! Then, I am faced with a choice......clean it out completely or take just enough out to allow me to shut the door once more. Today I am faced with that choice again....only.....it's not about junk.

God has shown me that I clean my soul the way I clean house. I am a 'stuffer'. I stuff all my emotions and feelings into places hidden away from most eyes.....including my own. However, there is no closet, basket, trash can, drawer, or cabinet that can conceal me from Him! And....today, He has flung the closet door open and all my 'junk' is sitting in the open....completely exposed. The biggest part of me wants to slam the door shut and tell Him not to do that again. Only, I know Him and if I tell Him not to do it again.....He won't. And, I will be where I am right now.......which isn't a great place.

So, I have decided to clean house......completely. I will open every cabinet, closet, drawer, basket, nook, and cranny within my soul and offer all my fears, doubts, insecurities, hopes, and dreams to Him--where they should have been all along--and allow Him to be my only Hiding Place.

"You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble and surround me

with songs of deliverance"

- Psalm 32:7

All I Have To Give.

2010-01-21T18:09:00.003-06:00

There are times when I can see God's footprints so clearly in my life. Each step begs me to follow and as I step into that giant print He leaves, I am always reminded of just how small I am compared to my God. I am also left in awe as I realize He intentionally leaves those footprints for me to walk in. So, I follow along.....skipping excitedly, on fire, full of passion, and completely humbled in His presence.....praising Him all the way! Then there are times like now. Days when I squint as hard as I can, yet can't seem to find His footprints. Moments when His presence feels so far away and completely unreachable. And all I can do is lay at the foot of the cross--speechless.....praising Him.

Life is a little tough right now. I'm not good with emotions and I have a LOT of them. I'm struggling with forgiveness....not the forgiveness I have been given, but the forgiveness I am called to give...and questioning the call that God has placed on my life. How can I serve Him if I can't do what He commands me to do? Has He really called me to ministry when I am so flawed? It feels futile asking that question when I know the answer. Yet, I ask anyway and am reminded through His Word that He can still use me....just not now.

I resigned as a youth leader today.

I have sat here for the past few minutes reading those words over and over. The sadness overwhelms me, yet so does His peace. My heart praises Him, but my voice is silent as I offer Him the only thing I can.....my everything.

My hurt, my pride, my joy, my stubborness, my tears, my unbelief, my lack of faith, my insecurity, my fear,.............my everything.

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" Isaiah 61:1-3

2010

2010-01-03T18:06:00.003-06:00

It's a new year. The end of one decade and the beginning of another. I have thought about this year so many times throughout the past 18 years. I have felt anxiousness and dread at the coming of this year...and every emotion in between. But--it's arrived just the same and faster than I could've imagined. No amount of worry, fret, or dread stopped it. It's here.

This is the year that God will begin to perfect the 'Art of Letting Go'. I will see my eldest child graduate and, possibly, leave for college, my son get his drivers license, and my youngest finally go from the 'tween' years to being an 'official' teenager.

This year is going to be hard on my mommy heart. I'm so glad my heart is in good Hands!

Building Alters...

2009-12-21T21:52:00.003-06:00

It's been so long since I've written anything that I'm not sure where to start! My life has changed so much in such a short amount of time that it doesn't feel as though I could begin to sum it all up. Yet, I know I must begin somewhere, as I don't want to miss the opportunity to build alters that tell of what the Lord is doing in my life.

In Genesis 12, every time the Lord gave Abram direction, Abram built an alter to Him as a rememberance and an offering....and that is what I want this blog to be. In the past I always wrote so my children would have a piece of history....penned by their mothers own hand. And...it will always be that for them. However, I also want this blog to be a reminder to myself that the Lord has been my Rock, Provider, Redeemer, Husband, and Deliverer. In those moments when I question the road I am on and wonder if God has really called me to full time ministry...I can visit these alters and know, without a doubt, God has beckoned me to walk down this road.

Lord....accept this blog as an alter to you.....an offering of gratitude!

"I bring an offering Of worship to my King No one on earth deserves The praises that I sing Jesus may you receive The honor that You're due O Lord, I bring an offering to you I bring an offering to you"

In The Zone

2009-06-27T11:36:00.003-05:00

God calls us to change. No question about it. When you find Christ, God immediately begins ridding you of the things that don't resemble the qualities of Christ.

If you let Him.

I was eager to give Him my anger, my pride, my jealousy.....all of the things that would make my life 'easier' if they would go away. Who wants to be angry or prideful or jealous? All of those things lead to bigger, uglier things in our lives. They are obvious stumbling blocks.

BUT....what about when God wants to do something in our lives that makes us uncomfortable? What about when the change isn't something that 'appears' to be hurting us? What about when He calls us to reach out to somebody that we just aren't comfortable reaching out to? Somebody who is maybe a little different than ourselves. Somebody who 'rubs' us the wrong way? What do we do when that somebody wants to infiltrate our little circle of friends? Do we embrace them with the Love that Christ has shown us? Do we extend that Grace even when we know we may have to spend time with someone who makes us uncomfortable? It pains me to say that more often than not.....I don't.

As Christians, we are all about living the 'Great Commission':

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations......"
Matthew 28:18

We love to go to faraway places and help those who are less fortunate. We offer food to the hungry, money to the poor, and wells to the thirsty. We adopt children from other countries and bring them to America or send money, monthly, to children who already have parents, but live in a place where they will never have anything. Every single one of those acts pleases Christ when done with a right heart. And....every single one of those acts makes us feel good. But....what about when God calls us to spend time with that person whose personality just doesn't 'mesh' with ours? Are we still willing to be so obedient when living the 'Great Commission' doesn't feel so good?

Jesus hung out with a lot of people during His time on earth. There were so many different personalities around Him constantly! Even His disciples, who all loved Him and wanted to follow Him, all had different personalities. No wonder He frequently went off by Himself and prayed. Notice the Bible doesn't have all of Jesus' prayers in it? I have always thought it was because of the intimacy of those prayers between the Father and the Son. But..now I'm beginning to wonder if Jesus was praying something like:

'Father, I know you placed Judas in my life because He is part of Your plan, too....
BUT he is sooooo greedy. It's all about him. He only cares about money and frankly
I just don't think he gets what being a follower of mine is all about!!!'

I know that the One who calls me to be more like Him, would never ask me to do something He hasn't already done. He asks me to extend Grace to those He puts in my path, despite the personality differences, because He extends it to me. He calls me to love those that are hard for me to love because He loves them. He calls me out of my comfort zone because He gave up the Throne of Heaven to dwell among us. His entire life, here on earth, was 'out of His comfort zone'.

I have been convicted. He beckons me to reach out. Not just to a lost world, a hungry child, or a homeless man/woman, but to my brothers and sisters in Christ who may look and act a little different than me. Those who may make me a little uncomfortable because God had the audacity to gift them with a personality unlike my own.

Thank you, Lord for making each one of us unique. Help me learn to step outside my 'circle of friends', embrace differences, and most of all.........make my comfort zone....uncomfortable!!!!!!!!

Still Learning...

2009-06-23T11:24:00.004-05:00

Jordan really struggles with math! She has had a really hard time learning multiplication and now we are working on division. She is a couple of grades behind on math, but I'm not in a panic...yet. I realize that someday it's just going to click with her. However.........

Knowing that she will get it someday does not ease my frustration with her today. It seems like everyday I have to show her how to do the same thing over and over. She gets it one day and the next......she has forgotten. Some days it just drives me crazy!

Today, I find myself wondering.....

Does my lack of being able to learn something, after He has tried to teach me over and over again, frustrate God?

It seems that God has to continually teach me the same things over and over and over. I wonder if God is sitting up there saying things like:

"Come on Heather! We just went over this last week!"

"Don't you remember when I dealt with your pride last time and you said you got it this time?"

"Really? You're struggling with that anger issue again? How many times are we going to go through this???"

The thought of it almost makes me chuckle. Almost. The truth is.....I am a sloooooowww learner. There are issues that God has been trying to rid me of for the past 8 years and I am STILL trying to learn them. I guess I need to cut my daughter some slack when she can't remember to bring down the 2. She has only been learning division for a couple of months;)

Thank you Lord for being the most patient teacher and for allowing me the opportunity to teach my children at home. Fill me with Your Spirit as I instruct my children in Your ways. OH....and please help Jo to learn division faster than I learn my lessons........because 8 years of division might just cause me to lose it!

I'm Accepted.....

2009-06-23T08:52:00.002-05:00

Around a month ago I received a phone call from the admissions guy at Crown College....where I had applied to become a student in the fall. He was calling to let me know that the reason it was taking so long to process my app is because they have to get 'special permission' for me to attend. My heart began to sink as I knew what he would say next.

In high school I wasn't exactly a great student. OK..that may be a slight understatement. I was an awful student. At one point, my GPA was .69. No, that wasn't a typo. I cared much more about hanging with my friends and partying than I did getting my school work done. I graduated by the skin of my teeth and now it was coming back to haunt me.

Admissions guy told me it would probably be a couple of weeks until he could get a hold of head guy that needs to OK my admission. So, I would probably have to wait for a month until I heard anything. I got off the phone with admissions guy a little worried. However, God quickly reminded me Who is in charge. I sent up a prayer and decided that if this is truly God's Will then there will not be a problem.

Two weeks later........I received my acceptance letter:) It's conditional. I have to take at least 12 credits per semester and I have to maintain a 2.0 GPA. I'm going to college!!!!!

I am still waiting to hear from financial aid. I have to admit....I'm nervous. I am needing financial aid to come through in a HUGE way! BUT.....I know Who is in charge and I'm placing it in His hands.

And...The Rotten Blogger Award Goes To........ME

2009-04-28T09:03:00.003-05:00

I have been a horrible blogger...I know. I apologize. It's not like I haven't had anything to say.........I just haven't felt like saying it. There have been SO many things going on that I'm not even sure where to start. However, I do know that if I don't start now, I may never start again. So, let me start with this:

I am WELL! Finally. It was a very long haul. I did not bounce back the way I thought/expected/hoped I would. I had a not-so-nice reaction to my steroids that left me in a lot of pain and not able to do much at a time when I really needed to be doing many things. To say it was frustrating is an understatement. It wasn't until mid-April that I really felt good. Being down for almost two months is just not me! I am trusting that God knew what He was doing:)

I am down to my last week of work. I can't believe it! I remember telling my boss in early February that I would be leaving May 1st. I really thought the time was dragging along, but now that it's actually my last week....I think it went pretty fast. I am anxious to end my time here and begin this new chapter in my life. I won't start school until August (if I am accepted....still waiting to hear) so I plan on spending some quality time with my girls and my son this summer. We are really behind on our homeschooling, so it looks like the majority of our summer will be spent doing that. What a blessing!

There are so many little details I am going to spare you from. Like the fact that we have had 2 garage sales, I am still in between homes as we wait for the attic in my parents house to be finished, I have approximately 4 outfits that I can access right now, and I can't find anything. Each of those sentences could be an entire blog post. I won't even go there.

Thank you for checking in with me and I'm sorry I haven't been good at keeping you updated. I hope to blog more now that things are settling down. OK....things aren't really settling down, but I DO hope to blog more:)

Maybe I Need To Slow Down?

2009-03-02T00:10:00.005-06:00

Apparently, God has decided that I need a little Sabbatical. I have been stretching myself a bit too far. I Knew it. Refused to change it. Neglected the warnings of my body, not to mention the voice of my Lord and now........

I'm on Sabbatical.

At the hospital.

Since Wednesday.

Seriously.

I've had this bronchial thing since the end of September. You may remember me whining about missing the Joyce Meyer conference? Yea. Well, I went to the ER a couple of times between September and December, they put me on some steroids and finally by Christmas I was feeling pretty good again. However, I don't think I ever bounced back 100%. BUT.......life is life and it really doesn't slow down just because one (such as me) doesn't feel good. So, I have just kept pushing through. Ignoring the warning signs. Ahem.

After an exhausting weekend at Dare2Share with the teens (more about that awesome time later:) and a long 8 hour day at church on Sunday, I had planned to spend Monday evening relaxing. However, something came up that I had been putting off and with that time slot open, I quickly filled the space. By Tuesday evening, I could feel my body begin to give way to what seemed like a little cold. My body was achy, my head was hurting, I had some chills, and my lungs were a little tight. Since I am a seasoned pro in the Asthma arena, I decided to do a Nebulizer treatment as a precaution. I was hoping to break up anything that may have decided to lurk deep within. But....nothing. My cough was dry, no breathing problems. Seemed as though bed was the best option.

I woke up on Wednesday feeling lousy. My lungs were hurting a bit, but nothing major. I took a quick puff of my albuterol inhaler, called the boss to let him know I would be in around noon (thinking I would feel better then), and went back to sleep until about 8:30am. When I woke then.....I knew there was a problem. I wasn't breathing well. I did a Nebulizer treatment. Relief.....for about 10 mins. Took a shower. Did another treatment back to back. Nothing. Called the doc.

My appt was at 11:15am on Wednesday. By the time I reached the docs office, my oxygen level was 85. He looked at me for about 3.2 seconds before sending me to the ER. I remained there until approximately 3pm when they admitted me to ICU.

Where I am currently residing.

Still.

I had a lot of activities scheduled this week that I was really looking forward to. Wednesday night was our Experiential Worship Night with the youth and I was anxious to spend that time with them since returning from Dare2Share. My girls were singing Friday night at church, we were introducing our new Sunday School curriculum (that we picked up at Dare2Share) to the Jr/Sr High teens, and Sunday night was the Winter Wonder Jam with Tobey Mac, Brandon Heath, and Hawke Nelson. And guess what!?

I missed it.

All of it.

I even tried to get a 'furlow' to leave the hospital for a few hours on Friday night. Nope. Didn't work.

What began as an overnight observation has turned into a lesson in being still. It's not a new lesson. As a matter of fact, I believe God and I were just working on this together over the summer. However, as He knows and I have always said....I am a slow learner.

My girlfriend dropped of a book she felt 'led' to give me to read. It's called "Be Anxious for Nothing" by Joyce Meyer. I chuckled when she handed it to me because she knew how much I wanted to be 'on the go' this week. Last night, I took a little turn for the worse and began to feel very frustrated. My friend, Connie, sent me a text to let me know she was praying for me. I expressed my frustration to which she simply texted back 'Phil 4 7'. She was not aware of the book.

Yea. He's funny.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

Dare 2 Share

2009-02-19T13:51:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow, February 20th, I, and 2 other leaders, get the priviledge of accompanying 11 youth to the Dare2Share conference in Lincoln, Nebraska. I. AM. PUMPED. Seriously! If you have never seen these guys, please check out their website. They have such an amazing way of presenting the Gospel and challenging us to spread the Word. They are gifted beyond belief and I can't wait to see how God moves in the lives of the kids who are going. (OK.....in us 'adults', too:)

Also, I can't wait to spend some quality time with these kids! Some of the kids that are going, we only get to see once a week at youth group. It will be great to get to know them better. Others, we know a little better and it will be fun just to connect with them outside of youth group.

There isn't a lot of spiritual 'depth' to the kids who are going, so I am really praying that God will penetrate their hearts deeply. Often, when youth come back from a conference they are gung-ho, but it's short lived. They are on that spiritual high that goes as fast as it comes. I am praying that this will be different. I am praying that there will be some 'real' conversions this weekend!

What a blessing to be able to be a part of these kids' spiritual journey.....no matter where it leads!

Happy Birthday Jo!

2009-02-04T09:58:00.003-06:00

Dear Jordan,

12 years ago you entered this world and my life hasn't been the same since. You have brought so much joy to me and our family. I can't imagine my life without you.

I can't believe you are 12 already. It seems like yesterday that you were just our 'Sissy Who down in Whoville'. Now, you are growing up and I am so proud of the young lady you have become. I love that you are concerned with modest dressing. I love that you are not 'boy crazy'. I love that you love Jesus and aren't afraid to tell people. I love that you are genuinely concerned about other people. I love that you are a good friend. I love......you!

Enjoy this day, sweetie. This is the day the Lord has made..........just for YOU!

Happy Birthday Whoobee Doodle!
Mommy loves you soooooooooo much!

************************************************
Lord, thank you for this child. Thank you for entrusting her to me. Please mold her into the woman you planned her to be. I am so anxious to watch her story unfold, but Lord....could you please slow down the time a little? She is growing up so fast and letting go, well, it just isn't my strength. Please help me to be the mom she needs me to be over these next few, very important, years. And above all..........please plant yourself firmly in her heart. Amen.

Technically Challenged....

2009-01-29T11:43:00.004-06:00

Because I am technically challenged..............

Part 2 of 'Dropping My Net' is posted under Part 1. Yea.

So, if you are somewhat interested in the rest of the story, please scroll down.

Dropping My Net. Part 1

2009-01-28T14:41:00.003-06:00

In 2002 I was looking for a house to buy. I had been living with my mom and dad after my husband and I divorced. I wanted to stay close to them, but felt ready to be out on my own.

Behind my folks' house sat a brown and yellow-tudor style-stucco house. There was a great view of the house from my folks' hallway upstairs. There was a little elderly couple that lived there and I always wondered what that house looked like on the inside. I should have been a realtor. I am fascinated by homes and can usually find something charming about every home. No matter how ugly or worn down it appears. However, this house was not ugly and was very charming from the outside. Then, one day.....it was for sale!

I couldn't believe it! Are you kidding me? I had only been a Christian for about 4 months and I was convinced that God had arranged this! He wanted me to have this house! I called my realtor and asked to see it. She set up a time and my mom and I met her over there. I was stunned when we entered the home. It was as beautiful inside as it was outside. The woodwork was in great condition, there was a gorgeous sunroom that boasted 10 windows, all of the closets were big, the kitchen was perfect, the basement was finished, the possibilities were endless! I wanted this house! I inquired about how much the sellers were asking and again....I knew this was a gift from God! It was CHEAP! Apparently, the elderly couple went into nursing homes and the kids just wanted out from under the house. Everything was starting to fall into place.....until.......

I work for an insurance company and I am licensed in property and casualty. Which means....I write auto and home insurance. About a week after finding my 'dream home', we received a call from one of our clients. Their daughter and her family were moving to town and buying a home and they needed homeowners insurance. I asked for the address of the house they were buying and when they gave it to me, I could immediately feel the sting as tears welled in my eyes. They were buying my 'dream home'. They had already put in an offer and it had been accepted. I cried a lot over that house, but my new found faith in Jesus kept things in perspective. I knew there was a reason that I wasn't getting that house.

The couple who bought the house were around my age and had a couple of kids who were close in age to my children. We became friends fast and I would always give them a hard time about buying my house. They began attending the same church I attend and soon we were spending lots of time together. By the time I found a house to rent in 2003, our families were very close. I only moved down the street so we still spent weekends and evenings hanging out. In 2004, Dan and Lori felt the Lord calling them to foster children. My daughter, Amber, was one of the children that was placed in their home.

In July of 2005, I had already taken in Amber when my landlords decided to sell the house that we were renting. I was completely bummed! Even though the house was small, it was in a good neighborhood and just down the street from my folks. However, my faith was strong and I knew that God would provide the perfect place for my children and myself.

My folks, the kids and I, and my daughters paternal grandparents went to Disneyland in August of 2005. As we talked one day, I told them about our housing situation. Their response was completely unexpected......they wanted to buy us a house. I couldn't believe it. As soon as we got home I began looking at houses. There were several nice homes on the market, but truthfully none of them measured up to the one home I loved.....my 'dream house'. I knew Dan and Lori had talked about selling their house, but I also knew they hadn't meant right this minute. However, I decided to approach them anyway. Their response was what I had expected. They weren't quite ready. So, I continued the search. I found a couple that I really liked, but there was always something wrong with them that was going to end up costing me money.

One day, after church service was over, I decided to approach Lori again. I hadn't found anything I loved and time was running out. This was my last ditch effort. I asked, again, if they would pray about selling their home. Immediately, Lori was in tears and I felt awful. Later, I would find out that my offer to buy their home was an answer to their prayers. They agreed to sell.

In November of 2005, I moved into my 'dream home'. A home that God had provided 3 years after I thought it was gone forever. A couple of weeks ago, as I sat in my living room looking around my house, I couldn't help but praise God for allowing me such a beautiful home. I am a single mom with a low paying job. I am living at poverty level. Yet, here I was sitting in a home that is in a good neighborhood, right behind my folks, and has everything I have ever wanted.

I am constantly amazed at how God provides. Even when His provision takes us to places we weren't prepared to go...........

Dropping My Net. Part 2

2009-01-28T13:20:00.007-06:00

For the past couple of years I have had the feeling that God is preparing me for a big change. I have been discontent in my job, yearning to stay home with my kids, and extremely passionate about working with teens. However, no matter how strong these desires were or how discontent I have been with my job, I have stayed put. Feet planted. Stubbornly? I don't think so. Fearfully? definitely. Not fearful of change (well, maybe a little;), but more fearful of being out of God's will for my life. I've been there before and I gotta say.....it's not pretty! Plus, to be completely honest, I just couldn't figure out how in the world I was going to be able to quit my job and stay home with my children. I thought God had given me the answer in this post, but after everything our family went through with Amber, well, I just couldn't go there again. At least, not right now.

As the New Year began I made a promise to God. Not a resolution that was meant to be broke, but a promise that.......I would follow wherever He leads. I would give up anything He asked me to. I would 'drop my net' so to speak and follow Jesus. I knew 3 things for sure: 1) I was to quit my job 2) I was to stay home with my children 3) I am to work with the youth. I couldn't imagine how this was going to happen. However, God did whisper a few words of encouragement.....something along the lines of......."Nothing is going to happen if you never step out and trust me." Ahem. OK. Sooooooo....maybe He had a point.

I set May as my deadline for quitting my job. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew that I couldn't do anything else while working 40 hours a week. I planned to get a part time job in May, but I have to be honest....I just couldn't figure out how it would work. I am struggling to make it right now, working full time. I decided not to worry about it and handed that part over to the One it belongs to. God has been extremely faithful in providing for our family. I knew He would make this happen. I also filled out a FAFSA (student grant/loan) application so I could begin online classes in June. Then, I layed everything in His hands. I didn't know when and I couldn't have imagined how, but I knew He would provide.

Last Monday I received a phone call from my daughters paternal grandparents. Their business' have not been doing well and they called to tell me that they would have to sell my house. I was devastated. The tears began to flow as I thought about the memories we have built in that home. Where are we going to live? What are we going to do? I called my folks and told them and sent out a prayer request to my small group. We had to be out of the house by March 31st. That gave me right around 2 months to find a place and move.....in the worst part of winter.

As I began to wallow in self pity, I received an email from my mom. She gently, lovingly reminded me of the prayers I had been praying to God. She told me that her and my dad had been talking and that they had a plan to make room for the kiddo's and I to stay with them. Since I would have no bills, this would allow me to quit my job, stay home with my kiddo's, and go to school. The tears began to flow again. This time, in awe of my God Who had been patiently waiting for me to drop my net and truly follow Him.

The other day, a friend from church stopped by the office. She wanted to get auto insurance for her son. As we chatted, I told her that I planned on leaving the insurance company in May. Turns out that she is in need of a personal assistant.....starting in May. The work will be part time and the biggest majority of it.....I will be able to do from home. I gave my notice to my boss a couple of days ago and plan on April 30th being my last day.

I am still sad about losing the house that I have loved for so long. However, the joy of being able to fulfill God's will for my life is far outweighing the sadness. He is teaching me to let go of the temporary things of this world and to run after the things that will last. With every step I take He confirms that His hand is over me and that I am making the right choice. He is so intimate.

I love you, Lord. I Thank You for all You have given, but I praise You for all You have taken. You are so good.

Dear President Obama.....

2009-01-20T08:56:00.004-06:00

I am always proud to be an American, but I stand a little taller today knowing that my children are witnessing our first African American President being sworn into office. 54 years ago Rosa Parks was arrested for refusing to give up her seat to a white man. Right now, at this very minute, a black man is taking an oath to be the leader of the most powerful country on earth. How amazing is that? I can't imagine the sense of victory you must feel right now. I join you in celebrating the history that is being made this day.

You have rallied this nation in an unprecedented way. You wooed the people with words we needed to hear. You promised us a future of change and hope and in return, America elevated you to celebrity status before the votes were even counted. You became the hope for not only this nation, but countries around the world. You were charming, charismatic, and you never backed down from a challenge. You fought hard and victory became inevitable.

It is because of all those wonderful qualities that you possess that I am so sorry I couldn't vote for you. I wanted to. I wanted to jump on the bandwagon with the rest of the country. I wanted to be completely convinced that you were the hope of the future. Unfortunately, there was one little problem. See, I already have a Savior. There is no hope you can offer me that Jesus hasn't already offered. I trust Him completely and I trust that what He says is true. When He says murder is wrong, I believe Him. When God says that He knit me together in my mothers womb, I believe Him. I choose to err on the side of life because I know that my Savior is life giving. Of course that is not the only reason I couldn't vote for you, but that's not what this post is about.

Today is your day, Mr. President! Enjoy every minute of it, because here is where the hard work begins. Starting today, you must live up to be the President that you, and a majority of Americans, have created in their minds. You must be the hope for millions of people; their 'savior', if you will. You have a tough job ahead of you and................

I will be praying for you every day. I may not agree with a lot of your views, but you are now my President, too. I am praying that you are successful in bringing our country out of this economic slump. I pray that your heart will align with God's on moral issues such as abortion. I pray that you never take one single day for granted and that you fully realize that you are leading this nation only because God has allowed you to! I pray that even though you are going to be a very busy man, you find time every day to be in God's Word and that you will seek His wisdom daily and not rely on your own. I pray that you remember that while change is good and it is certainly what brought you to where you are today, some things should never change....like the fact that America is a Christian nation founded on God's Word.

God bless and protect you, Mr. President!

You're Not One Of Us.

2009-01-13T13:10:00.005-06:00

Last year I read a story about Walter Cronkite that he tells in one of his books. This story has had me thinking (off and on) for a year. Do you ever read or hear something that just strikes a chord within you, but you can't figure out exactly why? Well, that is what happened with this story:

Covering World War II, a bunch of wire reporters, Cronkite included, decided to have dinner at a fancy restaurant in Paris. When the bill came, they all started pointing fingers at one another, because it was so expensive that no one there could afford to pay it. It was then that Ernest Hemingway, who was listening in at another table, walked over to pick up the tab. But before he did, he left the table of reporters with a little sage advice:

“Just because you are here with us, doesn’t mean that you are one of us.”

These words, uttered by Ernest Hemingway, speak volumes. My first thought was that these words relate to Christians being in the world. Just because we are here, with the world, doesn't mean we are part of the world. As the Bible clearly tells us we are set apart. However, as I meditated further on these words, I began to see them differently. God showed me something ugly.....in His church and.......in me.

I am blessed to attend a church that is filled with messy people from all different walks of
life. Our church is home to a variety of people. Everybody from doctors and professionals to drug addicts and alcoholics. That is one of the reasons I love our church so much. There are also some things I dislike about our church. One of them are the 'cliques' that have seemed to form. There's not a lot of them, but one is too many in the body of Christ. What troubles me more is that I may 'act' as though I am a part of these 'cliques' sometimes. I am worried that my attitude may say to someone:

"Just because you are here with us, doesn't mean that you are one of us."

I have attended my church for 7 years and have become friends with quite a few people. I always look forward to greeting time as it gives me the opportunity to chat with my friends for a bit. I'm pretty social (when I am in my comfort zone) and flit around like a bee buzzing from one person to the next. But I wonder how many people dread greeting time because nobody comes up to them? I wonder what they think about people like me who walk right by them without even noticing them and hug the person directly behind them? What does that say about our church? More importantly.....what does that say about our Jesus? Does it say......

"Just because you are here with us, doesn't mean you are one of us."

I am challenging myself to get out of my comfort zone this Sunday!

She's Out To Get Me. Seriously.

2009-01-12T15:01:00.003-06:00

You may recall this post. You know, the one where I was weepy cuz my little girl got her drivers license? Yea. Well, weepy has ended cuz said little girl is determined to ruin my vehicle! Seriously!

Sam, on most days, is an excellent driver. She is careful, watches her speed, doesn't talk on her cell while driving, and seems to have a good grasp of the responsibility that goes along with owning a drivers license. Until................she gets in or around my vehicle.

On Christmas Eve, I decided to drive to my moms so we could bring all of the gifts at one time. My folks only live right behind us, but there was a lot of snow on the ground and a lot of packages. Driving seemed the best option. As I was getting stuff together, Sam asked if she could back my vehicle out of the driveway. I said 'Sure'.

The side of my house runs along an alley that runs between 4 houses. My driveway runs off the alley and is a little tricky getting into sometimes as it is very narrow. Since the alley is a public street, I have to make sure my vehicle is not sticking out too far as to keep other vehicles from coming through. However, on the other side of the vehicle is a drop off into our backyard. There are railroad ties stacked upon each other that serve as a make-shift retaining wall.

I was running around the house trying to get everything together to go to my folks when I heard Sam come in and say she was stuck. Since there was a lot of snow, I assumed she was stuck in the driveway and couldn't get the vehicle backed out. However, as the story progressed, it was becoming more clear. She wasn't stuck in the snow, the vehicle was stuck on the railroad ties. Well, to be more accurate, the railroad tie was under the axle and the tire was 'free floating'. Let me just say that the words tire and free floating shouldn't be used in the same sentence. Ever. Of course I handled this dilemma in the most loving, Christian way...."Sam! How could you do this? Weren't you watching what you were doing?, etc." Yea. Cuz she didn't feel bad enough. I had to do some serious apologizing later!

So, I began calling every place I could think of that might have the capabilities of towing a vehicle. Surprise! Everything is closed at 7pm on Christmas Eve. So, I left a message on the cell phone of a guy who owns a local gas station (thank God for small towns). He called back and said he would be at my house at 9am to get it 'unstuck'. I shuddered as I hung up the phone and began to calculate how much this little 'tow' was going to cost me on Christmas Day. Thankfully, God has blessed me with amazing friends! A good friend of the family came by, with his tractor, on Christmas Day, and within a few minutes had me completely unstuck!

Yesterday, Sam and I drove to church separately because my youngest daughter and I were attending Girls for God after Sunday School. Sam came in the room to let me know she was going to pick up some lunch and then go to Worship Team practice. I was thirsty, so I asked her to bring me back a pop. When she came back into the room to give me my drink, she looked a little pale. I asked her what she was doing and she said "Preparing for my funeral." Of course, I asked why..... to which she replied "I would rather not tell you here." UH-OH!

Seems that as she was backing out of the parking space at church she 'grazed' my vehicle! Is it just me or are you sensing a pattern here between backing out and my vehicle? I went and inspected it and it's a little more than a graze, but I did handle it in a loving, Christian way this time. I am thankful for these minor fender benders and pray they are the worst accidents she ever has. However, if she could give my vehicle a break.......that would be great;)

2008.......

2008-12-31T10:12:00.002-06:00

It is amazing to me that in 13 hours and 45 mins it is going to be 2009. Another year has passed and what lies ahead is a brand new year. Like a fresh covering of snow unmarred by footprints and snow angels, this new year is pure.

As I look back over 2008 it is easy to focus on the challenges, as there were many for my family. However, the blessings were so much greater. I said goodbye to one of my children, but peace was restored to our family. I lost half of my income, but God has provided in such a way that the loss hasn't really been felt. My son went through some trauma and I couldn't be with him, but God was with him and everything turned out well.

I feel as though I have learned so much this past year. Mainly, I have learned to totally depend on God again. I feel as though God has brought me back to the basics. Learning to completely depend on Him and just being grateful for being His child. I'm in a good place.

2009 will bring it's share of heartache, I'm sure. However, I am also sure that the blessings will far outweigh the heartache. As His child I am secure in the fact that nothing is wasted in God's economy. There are lessons to be learned, memories to be banked, laughter to spare, and blessings to share. I'm excited to see what this year has to offer. I'm eager to see where God leads me and prepared to walk down whatever path He sets in front of me. I am making no resolutions as I believe those are meant to be broken. However, I am making a committment to the Lord.

Thank you Lord for a turbulent year. Although I would have never asked to go through some of things my family has been through, I wouldn't change it for the world. You are such an awesome God and I praise you for the storms!

Starring Role

2008-12-16T15:50:00.003-06:00

He was born over 2000 years ago.

It's easy to become detached to the story.

But that story involves us.

We were there.

In His heart.

We played a role then.

We play a role now.

Which character are you?

Are you the inn keeper who has no room?

Are you a shepherd still waiting for a sign from God?

Are you a religious leader who knows all about God, but has yet to truly know God?

Are you a woman or man who God has asked to do the impossible?

Did you say yes or are you still asking Him.....why me?

Light Of The World

2008-12-11T11:05:00.004-06:00

He was born in a manger.

Humble beginnings for the King of Kings.

A Savior that was born to die.

His infant eyes had already beheld the Father. His tiny ears had already heard an angels symphony. His chubby, little hands would grow and restore sight to the blind. The newborn Baby that cried in the night would speak truth to the masses, rebuke leaders of the religious law, and cry out to the Father in His final moments.

I admit, sheepishly, that this story has become so familiar to me that I often don't think about it during the year. That is one of the reason's I love Christmas so much. It is always a reminder of the night Love came down and became flesh.

I am in awe of the humble beginnings of our Messiah. Of all the ways God could have chosen to send Jesus..................

Instead He chose a young woman who risked everything to be obedient to Him. A young man who risked everything when he chose to stay with that young woman. He sent His angels to shepherds in a field. It was all about humility. From Jesus' birth to His death. Even the sign He sent to declare the birth of the Messiah was humble.

A star. Shining bright in the night sky. No trumpets. No fanfare. No parting of the seas. Just a bright star announcing a single statement........

The Light of the World is here.

"There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world." John 1:6-9

Breaking Bread. Breaking Bones.

2008-12-02T16:05:00.005-06:00

This Thanksgiving I found myself particularly grateful. It has been a rough year for our family, but God has shown us His faithfulness and Love in more ways than I can even begin to tell. I awoke on Thanksgiving Day with a heart full of love and awe for my God.

Around noon I tried calling my son, Joshua, in California to wish him Happy Thanksgiving. I didn't get an answer, so I tried his dad's phone. No answer there either. I figured they had already began their day, so I decided to try them later. About 5 mins later my phone rang. It was Eddie, the kids' dad. He informed me that they were in the process of taking my son to emergency via the ambulance.

Eddie and his friends play football every Thanksgiving. It's their tradition. Josh wanted to be on the opposite team so he could 'take down' his dad. Can't say I blame him. There are days I would like to do that, too. :) Apparently, Josh was running a play and got tackled. Josh's cleat got stuck in the mud, his leg was stuck and when he was hit.....his leg snapped. Eddie knew his leg was broke, but wasn't sure exactly where. I could hear the ambulance and chaos in the background and my heart sank. The miles between us never felt so huge. I hung up and did the only thing I could do.......pray.

Eddie called me from the hospital several times to get info about allergies to medications and other miscellaneous info. All I wanted to do was talk to my son and find out how bad the break was. Eddie finally called with the news. It wasn't good. Josh broke his femur bone and it was not repairable. He would go in for surgery at 7:30am the next morning and the doctors would insert a titanium rod into his leg. My poor boy. I have never wanted to jump in my car and drive to California more than I did at that moment. Unfortunately, I knew it was not feasible. I couldn't afford it. And truthfully.....it's probably better that I wasn't there.

I sat down to eat with my family that evening with a heavy, but grateful heart. Sad because I was so far away when my son needed me the most. Grateful because no matter how bad of a break it was, it was repairable. He wasn't paralyzed. He wasn't dead. Grateful that I did not have to witness my son going through that moment that would've haunted me for the rest of my life. Grateful that our God is so loving that I was able to have peace in moments where there should have been none.

This is how my son spent Thanksgiving:

Without his mom, but with a God who loves Him so much more than I could ever dream of.

Thank you, Jesus!

There Goes My Baby.

2008-11-07T09:33:00.004-06:00

At 8am I found myself at the Courthouse, again. 3 days ago I walked through those double doors to say goodbye to my daughter, Amber. Today, I walked through those double doors to say goodbye, in a different way, to my daughter, Sammie. Both days involved tears of letting go.

Sammie got her drivers license today!

I really thought I might get through this morning without tears, but it just didn't happen. As Sam and I prayed together this morning, I struggled to keep my voice steady and my lip from quivering. Darn it! I had intended on being so strong today. However, as I watched her drive away, alone, I could feel my eyes and nose begin to sting. Where has the time gone? How did this day arrive so fast?

It's 9:44am and Sam has already stopped by my office, returned the video's to the movie rental place, gone to the grocery store, and stopped by her work to check her schedule. On most days I am doing good just to get her out of bed, into the shower, and doing her school work by 9:30am. I think she may be a little excited!

And...even though there is a part of me that wishes she would stay a little girl forever, I can't help but be excited for her as she begins another chapter in her life. Next year, she will be graduating and leaving for college. I better spend lots of time in prayer over this next year asking God to prepare my heart for that. I have a feeling.........that's not gonna be pretty:)

Congratulations Sammie!
I love you and I am so, so proud of you.
Be safe.

(And don't forget to watch for deer, look both ways before going through an intersection, make complete stops, watch for pedestrians, don't be in a hurry, don't talk on your cell while driving, and always buckle up! I know. I can't help it. You're still my little girl.)

November 4th, 2008

2008-11-05T15:11:00.004-06:00

I woke up on November 4, 2008 with a desire to bow my head and pray to my Lord. My court appearance with Amber was less than 4 hours away, but my heart wasn't burdened to pray for that, but for the upcoming election. I found this odd. I was obedient to the desire, I believe, God layed on my heart and lifted both candidates in prayer. As I finished praying for the election, I lifted Amber and our court session in prayer and ended, as I always do, with "Your will be done".

As we (my mom, dad, and I) entered the large, double doors of our beautiful courthouse I was at peace. As a matter of fact, I had been at peace all morning. Only once did my heart begin to race as I looked at the time while working and realized that I would be leaving for court in half an hour. It was a brief moment of anxiety that was quickly stilled by the voice of my Savior.

I wasn't sure where to go once we entered the courthouse. Nobody had contacted me since I had been served with papers requesting my presence. I stepped into the Clerk of Court and asked her where I should go. She asked if it was a juvenile hearing or a Magistrate hearing. I told her that I thought it was probably a juvenile hearing. She asked why I was appearing and as the words "to give up rights to my daughter" left my mouth, there was an instant sting in my heart. I could see her face change briefly, I could only imagine what she thought, as she directed me to the 2nd floor.

As we neared the top of the steps I could see the large double doors that lead to the courtroom. We were the only people there. Of course, we were a little early, too. We weren't there long before I could see Amber, her boyfriend, and her mom, Sue, walking up the steps. They got to the top, looked at us, looked away, and stood as far from us as possible. I had smiled at them as they looked at us, but there was no response. I was thankful that my parents were there as I could hear them whispering and laughing. I suddenly felt like the unpopular girl in school who was being made fun of by the 'cool kids'. My parents and I talked, in normal talking voices, about the election, the beauty of our courthouse, and various other topics. I was determined to not play their game, although, the biggest part of me wanted to. That, however, would've been dishonoring to them and unpleasing to God.

The door to the judges chamber opened and a young woman walked past us. She called Amber's name and walked over to her. I could hear her introduce herself as Amber's lawyer. I heard her tell Amber that my lawyer had not shown up and that they may have to postpone the court date. I groaned at the thought of it. I was ready for this to be over. A few minutes later, another woman came out of the judges chamber and introduced herself to me. She would be filling in for my lawyer. She was apologetic for not being familiar with my case and I quickly put her at ease by letting her know that I had never spoken with the other lawyer so she was probably as up to speed as he was. She asked me what was going on and I gave her the condensed version of our story. She said she would have me testify and walked away. I looked over at my mom and she was weeping. My mom is one of the sweetest, most wonderful women I know. She would do anything for anybody. But....if you mess with her family, she is like a mother bear protecting her cubs. She was angry at Amber for all the hurt she had caused and it was too much for her to take. She had to leave.

The door to the courtroom opened and Amber's lawyer asked her to come in. My dad and I sat there not knowing whether we should follow. Shortly, my lawyer summoned us into the courtroom as well. The courtroom was very quiet. We were the only people in there besides the judge, the court reporter, and two spectators. My lawyer motioned for me to sit at the table next to her and across from the county attorney and the C.P.S. worker who had interviewed me about the abuse charges Amber had filed.

The judge asked me to speak first, so I gave her a very brief rundown of the events that lead us to be in front of her. Then the judge gave my lawyer a chance to speak. I couldn't imagine what my lawyer could possibly say. She had only gotten the file a nano-second prior to my testimony. However, she looked through the file the entire time I spoke and when the judge asked her if she had anything she wanted to say she pointed to a section in our adoption home study where Amber, in her own words, had said what a loving family we are and how she couldn't wait to be a part of it. Immediately my mind went back to that time. I remember when Amber was excited to be a part of our family and it hurt to be sitting there only a short two years later.

Then, it was Amber's turn to speak. Her lawyer asked her if she wanted to speak to the judge directly or if she wanted her (the lawyer) to speak on her behalf. Amber chose to let her lawyer speak for her. Amber's lawyer gave Amber's version of events and recommended that Amber be allowed to stay with her biological mom with the stipulation that DHS and CPS would be heavily involved. She also requested a change of venue since Amber doesn't reside in my county anymore.

The judge approved both requests, but was very hesitant. She harshly reprimanded Amber and Sue (Amber's mom) for using the system. The judge realized that Amber had been given a chance to live in a loving home and had thrown it away when she wasn't allowed to do whatever she wanted. She cited Amber's statement to the adoption worker (the one my lawyer had pointed out) as proof that our home wasn't the awful home that Amber was trying to make it out to be and was very concerned that Amber would end up back in court in a few months when she didn't get her way with her mom. I lowered my head as tears filled my eyes. I felt vindicated. Somebody who didn't know Amber and didn't know myself was able to see what she was doing. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A weight I had no idea existed until it was removed. I felt so free.

As I sat in the courtroom this day, there was a part of me that couldn't believe that Amber was getting her way. All of the 'crap' she had put our family through and there she sat getting exactly what she wanted. However, God gently reminded me that although Amber was getting what she 'wanted' she was not getting what was best for her. She is far from Him and moving even further. Then, my heart broke for her again.

The rest of the day was hard. Her picture sits on my desk. A picture of happier times. A time when she was happy to be with us and eager to not walk down the same path as her mom. I thought about the fun times we had as a family and wondered when things went so wrong. My heart misses her and I have to admit, it surprises me. I didn't expect to feel so much. I thought my emotions had been pushed to the limit. See, that's the kind of person I am. I will only put up with so much and when I am done......I'm done! No regrets. No emotion. No looking back. Done. Moving on with the next chapter of my life. That's the way I have been for most of my life. Not this time. This is new territory for me as this is the first relationship I have 'lost' since finding Christ.

I praised God yesterday for how He had orchestrated the day. From my lawyer, 'Joe', not showing up....... to a judge who took time to listen and see the truth and didn't treat us like we were just 'another case' on her docket. I also prayed for Amber and will continue to do so. I pray for my children daily and Amber is still my child. She may not have been born into our family, but God placed her in our family. He also placed her into my heart.....where she will always reside no matter where she lives physically.

I am so thankful for the prayers of all who have prayed for us. What a blessing to know that someone is lowering their head before the Lord and lifting up your name and situation. There aren't words enough to express my gratitude.

Love Never Fails.

2008-10-29T12:20:00.002-05:00

This post has been a long time coming. I have started it in my head a million times, but just couldn't put it together. However, this blog is my journal. It is a place for me to express my thoughts and feelings. Something I have a hard time doing. I am one of those people who likes to just put all of the 'icky' things away and sort 'em out with God and God alone. I have a tendency to only blog about things once they have already been dealt with. This method ensures that no raw emotion is spewed all over the page. It also makes, in the end, a very nice, well thought out, post that I can wrap in a little bow and present for the viewing pleasure of those who are nice enough to read my ramblings. This one....not so much. No pretty bow. Not thought out. Just raw emotion. This is hard.

When I chose to adopt Amber I knew that God had called me to do it and I was anxious to do it. I loved her and wanted to provide her a safe, loving, home. I saw things in her. Good things. She was making positive changes everyday. She was growing in her relationship with Christ and our family was adjusting to our newest family member. Things were still hard, but there was hope. We had ups and downs as any family does, but I certainly didn't go into this adoption with rose colored glasses on. I knew that adopting a child at 13 years of age was not going to be an easy road. There would definitely be challenges. But, I also knew that God was in control and He could get us through anything.

Amber's behavior began to get increasingly worse over the next couple of years. She fell away from God and began doing things that she knew were not allowed in our home. She exposed my youngest daughter to things that she should never have seen or heard. My eldest daughter and Amber began to fight constantly, mostly because of how Amber treated me. Physically...Amber was a beautiful 15 year old girl, but mentally she was a 5 year old throwing a 2 year long, continuous temper tantrum.

I work with teens. I knew she just wanted to be loved. She was crying out for attention and willing to go to, just about, any length to get it. She began telling people that I was abusing her. It got her the attention and sympathy she was looking for, I suppose. I found this out when one of her boyfriends refused to look at me. He was a pretty nice kid and we got along pretty good. Then, all of a sudden, he wouldn't even talk to me. After they broke up I found out, from his mom, that she had told him all kinds of awful things about me. No wonder he couldn't stand me. She had made me out to be a monster that abused her and refused to let her go see her dying grandmother (neither were true. She hadn't even asked to see her grandma and her grandma wasn't dying). I also noticed that some of the adults in our church that she had become close to stopped talking to me. Still, I understood that because of her background this is the way she had chosen to get people to 'love' her. I took her to get counseling.

She did well with the counselor. For awhile. I could see some progress and things looked like they might be OK. She seemed to really like him and her behavior had gotten a little better. I don't know what caused it, other than Satan himself, but suddenly she refused to go to counseling. She said it was stupid and that she wouldn't go and I couldn't make her. She was wrong. I could've made her, but what was the point? She had already made it very clear that she liked the person she was and did not want to change. She was lying, manipulating, stealing, and even becoming violent with my youngest daughter. I tried desperately to figure out why anyone would want to live their life like that. For Amber....she felt it worked for her. It was all she had ever known. Her biological mother was the same way. It was 'normal' for Amber and she was convinced that being a manipulative, lying, theif, was who she was instead of what she was. She had bought the lie that Satan had sold her and she was owning it proudly.

I had kept her biological mom at a distance for most of Amber's time with us. I noticed, early on, that Amber's behavior became unbearable after speaking with her mom. However, the bonds of mother and child are strong and her mom found a way to get around me (even after I disconnected our phone and got rid of our internet). As they began to build their relationship, my relationship with Amber began to unravel even faster. She wanted to me to give up my rights to her and allow her to go back to her mom. I partially caved and told her that she could stay with her mom for this school year, but reminded her that I am still her legal mom and that I would be in the picture. Both Amber and her mom thanked me for allowing them the chance to be together again. While I was unsure about the decision, I knew something had to change for the benefit of the rest of my family. The past couple of years with Amber had taken it's toll on us physically and emotionally.

A week into Amber going to live with her mom, I received a phone call from her mom and her boyfriend stating that Amber had run away. They wanted my help. There wasn't much I could do, so I called Amber's cell phone. She answered. We talked for a few minutes and I encouraged her to go to her mom and let her know where she was. Turns out, Amber was throwing a fit because her mom had placed her on restriction. Unfortunately, Amber's way of dealing with things is to run. Although she had never run away from my home physically, she definitely ran away from me emotionally. A couple of weeks later, Amber called me and asked me to emancipate her so she could legally be on her own. In the state of Iowa, emancipation of a minor can only happen if that minor is getting married. Since she wasn't, this wasn't an option. She then asked me to give up my rights as her mother. I told her that I would not do that. I explained to her that I would never give up one of my children...no matter how bad things may get. My exact words were...."I'm not that kind of mom!" I meant it and she knew it. She was not happy.

Approximately a week later, I received a call from CPS (Child Protective Services). Amber had filed child abuse charges against me. I couldn't believe it. I was absolutely wrecked. I was sad, scared, angry, confused, and every emotion you could think of all at the same time. Like a small child throwing a fit because they didn't get their way, this was her last ditch effort at getting out of my home permanently. The worker came to interview me and we talked for about an hour. Amber was claiming that I had punched her in her head and bruised her shoulder.....3 months earlier. The worker was very nice and reassured me that he was pretty sure she didn't have a case since there were no witnesses and no marks that were documented. I told him that I wasn't worried about it because I hadn't done anything. Then, he gave me a choice. I could bring Amber back into my home and attempt to continue to parent this child or I could sign her over to the state. I knew in my heart that this child could never come into our home again.

I signed the paperwork and have been playing the waiting game. Our court date is November 4th. Almost 2 years to the day that Amber's adoption was final. I have no idea if Amber is still with her mom or in a shelter. I am sure I could find out by picking up a phone, but the truth is....I don't want to know.

Everyday seems to be an opportunity for God to teach me something. That is one reason I haven't written about this. I am staying 'still'. I am straining to listen for His voice while rebuking the voice of Satan who spends most of his time telling me that I am a horrible parent, a horrible person, and even worse....a horrible Christian.

I am not angry at Amber. She has learned to do whatever it takes to get what you want....no matter what the cost. I am, however, sad for her. I worry about her future, knowing that her future is no longer (as if it ever was) mine to worry about it. I don't regret the journey I have been on, but I am so very sad at the outcome. I pray for her daily and still consider her my child.

As I picked up my subpoena the other day, I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that would come. To be honest, over the past year, I have really had to pray to God that He would fill my heart with love for her. I knew I didn't like her very much and was afraid that maybe my love for her was gone, too. God answered my prayer. As I signed the court papers I was so overcome with love and emotion that it took my breath away. I hesitated slightly as the last couple of years seem to play like a movie in my head, flashing between scenes of laughter and tears. In the end, I knew I there was no other choice.

The Gospel has been presented to Amber. She knows God and better yet, God knows her. I believe, without a doubt, that His Word is never returned void. She can run from me, she can run from her biological mom, she can even run from herself, but she can't run from Him. Love never fails.

May Bling?

2008-10-15T12:27:00.004-05:00

Jordan, my youngest, was very excited to show me what they have been doing in her youth group. Apparently they have been talking about beauty. Right now, it seems, they are focused on outward beauty. Things that women/girls do to make themselves more beautiful on the outside. Knowing the youth leaders well, I am guessing that this will lead to inner beauty in the near future.

While I was home for lunch today Jordan whipped out a list she wanted me to look at. It was a list of beauty products that are available. The list was quite long! As a matter of fact my eldest daughter, Samantha, and myself were quite surprised at just how many beauty products there are. Jordan's list wasn't even complete as Samantha and I could think of several that weren't on there. However, I was also surprised at how many products I hadn't heard of.

One of the first products listed was May Bling, listed right under Mary Kay. I sat puzzled for just a moment before this little song played through my head:

'Maybe she's born with it....Maybe it's May Bling'

It suddenly dawned on me. It's Maybelline.

Samantha and I couldn't help but laugh. Jordan even chuckled when I explained that it had nothing to do with 'bling'.

I love how God gives us little giggles throughout the day. Special memories to look back on and blog about. How I adore time with my girls.

After the Aftermath

2008-10-13T14:53:00.003-05:00

The night before I wrote the post entitled 'Aftermath', I had a dream. Now, typically my dreams amount to nothing. They are usually very random and I can't remember much about them. However, this dream seemed different.

I was walking along a bridge. It was more of an overpass and maybe I was running, I don't remember. There were a lot of people running on this bridge as there was a flood that was beginning to swallow up everything. The water was getting higher and we were running to safety. As I began to reach the top of the bridge I looked down and saw hundreds of people screaming and crying in the flood water. There were also people who had succumbed to the water and their bodies were floating. I don't remember anything after that, but I know that the water never took me under and that I survived. When I awoke the next morning that dream was heavy on my heart.

As I began to get ready for work, I wondered if God was trying to tell me something. I don't analyze my dreams often, but I felt as though this dream was different. I continued with my morning routine which included, unfortunately, a heated discussion with my youngest daughter. I always hate starting the day with an arguement. It kind of sets the tone for the day, doesn't it? I left the house, upset, went to work and began my day. While on the phone with a client, talking about something totally unrelated, the word aftermath ran in my head as did the scene from my dream. Because I am very impatient I was guessing that God meant the aftermath of my arguement with Jordan. Although I didn't lose my 'cool' so to speak, she was crying and in the past my words have left an aftermath of destruction. Hence the post.

Since that post there have been floods that have tried to pull me under. None of which I am ready to share right now. However, I do believe that dream was related to what was going to happen in my life. I believe God gave me the word Aftermath as a reassurance. To let me know that there was an approaching storm and it was a storm that would pass. That the water would never take me under and that I would survive. A reassurance that He is always my Bridge over troubled water.

Quick to Judge

2008-10-07T13:12:00.004-05:00

I have been astounded at the number of cases in the news about parents leaving their children in the hot car. Sadly, a vast majority of the time, those children succumb to the heat and lose their lives.

While I am ashamed of this, I must admit that I have judged those parents. I couldn't believe anybody could be so irresponsible as a parent. Obviously, that would NEVER happen to me. I am above 'stupid' mistakes. Right?

I was visiting Girlymama's blog today and received a nice, hard, God thump! You know...the one that smacks you right upside the head and knocks you off of the very tall pedestal you have placed yourself upon? Yea. One of those.

If you have ever been prideful enough to judge another parent (or anyone else for that matter) for a mistake you would NEVER make, please stop by her blog and read this post. I guarantee you will see things in a new light. Although God has been trying to teach me this lesson for about, oh, 7 YEARS, it was another reminder to me that God calls us to love......not judge.

Thank you Girlymama for the walk in your shoes. They were a little big, but I hope to fit in them when I'm all grown up:)

My Mothers Hands.

2008-10-06T13:53:00.005-05:00

My grandpa had 'old' hands. He was old, but his hands were always older. They were always more wrinkled than the rest of him and the skin on his hands was very thin. A scrape to his hand would cause a large portion of skin to just tear off. His hands were always bruised.

I remember when I was younger I would tease my mom about her hands. She inherited my grandpa's thin, wrinkly skin. I used to stare at her hands for long periods of time and try to smooth them out. Of course, at that time my hands were young and firm. I was so afraid I would inherit them. Last night the subject of her hands came up again. We were with friends and she was explaining why she has large purple bruises on her hands. As I sat looking back and forth between her bruised hand and my hands that were beginning to resemble them, I couldn't help but praise God.

See, those bruised, wrinkled, hands of my moms are the same hands that have hugged me when I have been at my lowest. They have reached up and dried tears from my eyes. They have fixed me lunches and bandaged boo-boo's. They have held all 3 of my children and sewn up their favorite blanket or stuffed animal. They have made halloween costumes and crafts for my house. They have held my hands while giving birth and while going through surgery. They have stroked my hair as I have laid on her lap. They have cleaned my room, done my dishes, and ironed my clothes. The have clapped for me and disciplined me. They have held me up when I couldn't do it myself and they have let go when I needed them to. They have tucked me in, felt my head for fever, and they pray for me.

I no longer dread inheriting my moms hands. As a matter of fact, I pray I do.

Happy birthday mom.

I love you.........
To the moon and back!

No. I'm not dead:)

2008-10-02T16:43:00.004-05:00

As you may have noticed, I haven't blogged much lately. No reason in particular other than I have just felt 'quiet' lately. A lot has gone on in my life over the past month and even though I would like to share it, I don't feel as though I am ready. However, I do miss blogging very much. So, I will attempt to blog about every day happenings this month just so I can stay connected.
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ACORN performed during our church services last week and they were incredible. They really led the congregation in Worship and didn't just 'perform'. It truly brought tears to my eyes. Our Worship director, Julie, liked them so much that she invited them to play every month that has a 5th Sunday. See, 5th Sundays are typically known as 'Hymn Sundays'. Julie so loved the contrast between the older hymns and the youth music that she would like it to become a regular 'gig':) They will play again in November. I will definitely try to have video! I totally forgot last time. I was so nervous for them!!!!
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Some of you have asked about my last post 'Aftermath'. Some of my friends have asked me where it came from. Why did I write it? Was there something going on? There is more to that post and I'm working on sharing it. I am still waiting for God to reveal some things to me. As soon as I can piece it all together I will post about it. Just know that I, too, am anxious to know what it was about:)
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My youngest daughter became a 'woman' yesterday. Ahem. I am hoping that you ladies will know what I am talking about because if I actually write about it she will disown me I promise you! I can't believe it. She is my baby and the time has gone by so fast. I sat and watched her sleep last night and wondered where the years have gone. Another chapter in her life. It makes me sad and joyful at the same time.
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I will post a less random post tomorrow.

Hopefully;)

The Aftermath.

2008-09-18T09:18:00.003-05:00

Storms are fierce. They come in strong and sometimes, as we have seen with Hurricane Ike, leave an aftermath of total devastation. The images are gut wrenching. Homes reduced to piles of rubble. Big, strong tree's that have stood for hundreds of years snapped like twigs. Lakes where there used to be neighborhoods. But, pictures only show the physical damage. What they don't show is the mental anguish of the people who were unfortunate enough to be in the path of the storm and how it will affect their lives for years to come.

My words, at times, are like a storm. They are fierce. They come out strong and leave an aftermath of destruction. The physical damage is easy to see. Tears, anger, a frown, a look of disappointment, eyes filled with hurt. But, what I can't see is the destruction going on inside when someone I love has been unfortunate enough to be in the path of my storm. What I can't see is how my words will affect their lives for years to come.

But...in the aftermath hope springs anew as the damage is assessed and clean up begins. The rubble is still there but rebuilding has started. Outpouring of love soon replaces hurt and sadness. The wounds begin healing as the Son radiantly shines through the blue skies offering Grace, Mercy, and second chances.

Introducing......The A.C.O.R.N.S.?

2008-09-16T10:37:00.005-05:00

Our Jr/Sr High youth ministries kick off tomorrow night and it is a year of changes. We have combined Riot (Jr. High) and Xtreme Faith (Sr. High) into one crazy group called 'EXIT' and we, as leaders, have committed to becoming prayer warriors for our youth this year. It's amazing how fast prayer can be forgotten as you get busier and busier. Not this year! Another change is that we will also feature a Youth Worship Band!

In the past, our youth worship team contained a couple of boys and girls who would stand on stage and sing to an accompaniment CD. Last year our youth director, Connie, asked us to get a band together. So, we did and.......it was pretty rough at first. OK. It stinked, stank, stunk. BUT.......after a Saturday workshop, many practices, and a few temper tantrums.....they are finally ROCKIN'! They have pulled together as a team and the music is awesome! I am soooo proud of them.

One of the things they decided to do was to come up with a name so they would be more united. Quite a few names were thrown into the hat and the one they liked the best was.....The A.C.O.R.N.S. Yeah. I said A.C.O.R.N.S. (it's actually an acronym). Now, I have to be honest. I hated it. I was hoping for something deep and spiritual (OK. I can't help it. I'm a mom and my daughter is a singer in this band). The thing is.....I've known most of these kiddo's since they were really young and I don't know what in the world made me think they would pick something deep and spiritual. That is not a slam against them or their walks with Christ. These teens, in particular, are just goofy! They have been friends a long time and they are always doing/saying off the wall stuff. I just should have known better! So. ACORNS it is. And....I have to admit......it's growing on me (don't tell Sam, though;).

The ACORNS will premier next Wednesday, September 24th during EXIT and will co-lead Worship during our church services on Sunday, September 28th! I will try to get video posted;)

Please keep these teens in your prayers. Not just the band, but all the kiddos who will come through our church doors tomorrow night. Pray that they will see and feel the love of Him Who gave His life for them!

Pray that us leaders will be His hands and feet!

Because It's Too Easy To Forget.........

2008-09-11T09:43:00.011-05:00

To Boldly Go.....

2008-09-09T13:31:00.004-05:00

As believers, we are to be bold in sharing our faith. Not my strong suit. I struggle with just laying the Gospel out to non believers. I worry about offending them. I worry that I will turn them
away from God instead of towards Him. There is a delicate balance in presenting the Gospel in love and grace and cramming the Gospel down someone's throat. It's a balance that I haven't quite mastered.

For the most part, I think that's OK. I believe God has created us all differently. In the words of St. Francis of Assisi:

"Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words"

That's me, I think. I am more focused on building relationships and allowing Christ to shine through my words and actions. I also pray for God to give me moments to share what He has done in my life. Sometimes those doors open and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they open and I choose to be silent anyway. I believe that's called disobedience.

I have a friend who is struggling with that right now. I won't give her name because I didn't ask permission to share this. However, it has been heavy on my heart since speaking with her yesterday. My friend and her husband had built a relationship with their neighbors who are also their landlords. They are also non believers. The neighbor lady has had cancer and she passed away Monday morning. I spoke with my friend yesterday to give her my condolences and she began to share with me.

My girlfriend had felt God prompting her, especially in the past couple of weeks, to go share the Gospel with her neighbor. He had shown her through scripture and devotions that now was the time. This past Saturday God had even told her that the time for her neighbor to pass was near, but she was too afraid to go. She didn't want to offend this woman who started as a landlord and had become her friend. She was disobedient to the Lord and now her chance had passed. She does not know if her landlord, her neighbor, her friend is with our Lord and she was feeling partly responsible. I could sense the deep sadness as we spoke and I so badly wanted to wrap my arms around her. I wanted to say something to make her feel better, but the truth is she was being disciplined. She had been disobedient and now she was having to live with the consequences. I could only listen and offer her understanding.

I have been there. I know that, on many occasions, I have failed to do what God has asked me to do. Mostly out of fear. How awful is it that I fear man and the opinion of man far more than I fear God Himself? I don't like that part of me. I suspect God doesn't either.

I was reading Acts chapter 4 the other night. The Sanhedrin had forbid Peter and John to speak or teach in the name of Jesus. Peter and John would have none of it! They told the Sandhedrin that they would rather disobey them than God. That is my hearts desire. I desire to throw caution to the wind and speak boldly about Jesus. My prayer for me, my children, and all of us who are believers is the same as the apostles in Acts 4:29-30:

"Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus."

Happy Birthday Sammie!

2008-08-27T11:07:00.009-05:00

While we were on vacation, Samantha had her 17th birthday. We woke up to a very gloomy, moist morning. That was NOT good. We had friends that planned on coming to the lake to spend the day with us and from the looks of the morning we were afraid we were going to have to see if we could pile 20-30 people into a 6 person cabin. Yea. NOT good. However, God is SOOOO good and the gloom and moisture burned off by early afternoon.

The day was a little emotional for our family. Well, not for Jordan and Josh, but definitely for Sam, my folks, and I. My baby turned 17 yrs old and for some reason it felt worse than when she turned 16 yrs old. It seems like yesterday that she was just a little girl twirling around the house with her basket and apron pretending to be Belle from Beauty and the Beast or combing her hair with a fork pretending to be Ariel from The Little Mermaid. The time has gone so much quicker than I had anticipated. I praise God that He made our minds to hold so many precious memories.

Sam had an awesome 16th birthday and I really wanted her 17th birthday to be special as well. I knew we would be at the lake and we would have some friends coming to hang out with us, but I wanted it to be really special. Something she would never forget. So, my folks and I decided to get her an unforgettable present....................

What could possibly have my little girl in tears on her birthday?

OH YEA! This:

Think this birthday will be memorable???

(Um. Yea. It will be memorable every month when she makes the payment!:)

There's my little girl.....driving away...........

Sammie-

I love you so much. I am so proud of the young lady you have grown to be. I see so much of myself in you at times, and yet, you are so much stronger and braver than I ever was. You live your life in a way that is honoring to Christ and really, what more could I ask for? I am soooo blessed.

Happy Birthday sweet girl!

Renewing. Part 4

2008-08-21T14:48:00.003-05:00

I chose to center these posts around a central theme; being renewed.

I looked up the word 'renewed' in the dictionary and found two meanings that described what God has been doing in my life:

Renewed: To replenish, To bring into being again

Did you catch that? To bring into being again!

I mentioned in part 2 that I was burnt out! I was. Physically, mentally, and Spiritually. I hadn't taken time to refuel myself. I was running on fumes and quite frankly, I hadn't even noticed my low fuel light was on, despite the many, many warning signs.

I am currently doing a Youth Leader Bible Study and one of the first challenges was to spend 15 mins a day being with God. No praying. No requests. Just 'being'. I did it a few times and really loved it, but, as always, life got in the way and I quickly went back into Martha mode. Then we left for the lake.

It was at the lake that God brought me into being. I was being refueled. I was being renewed. I was being prepared. I was being still. I was being restored.

but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

If you replace the word 'renew' in Isaiah 40:31 with the dictionary definition of 'renew', it reads like this:

But those who hope in the LORD
will bring into being their strength.

I sensed God urging me to dig a little more so I did. What I found is that the word 'Hope' breaks down to 'Expectation'. The word 'Expectation' breaks down to 'Wait'. AND..........the word 'Wait' breaks down to......hear me on this.........to remain inactive. Now listen to this verse:

But those who remain inactive in the LORD
will bring into being their strength.

I never wanted to be one of those 'Christians' who open their Bible on Sunday and leave it to collect dust the rest of the week. So, I put it on my to-do list. Laundry: Check. Dishes: Check. Bible Study: Check. Bible Reading: Check. God doesn't want to be on my to-do list. He desires quality time with me. He desires me to rest in Him. To be inactive, completely, so He can refuel me. I used to believe it was a sign of weakness to admit that I needed rest. God has made it abundantly clear that in order to remain strong, I must rest in Him.

Through the trials of saying goodbye to Josh and letting Amber go, I did not grow weary nor faint. God had renewed me and prepared me. He had given me the strength to say goodbye and I continue to soar on wings like eagles.

Renewing. Part 3

2008-08-20T15:43:00.003-05:00

When I adopted my daughter, Amber, I knew it was going to be a hard row to hoe. I knew she was coming from a lifetime of deep hurt and deception. I waivered back and forth on whether I should finalize the adoption or not. However, every time I asked God to close a door if it wasn't His will, the door only opened wider. I knew that she was to be part of our family.

The past year has been hard. Harder than I could've possibly fathomed. I wasn't prepared for all that Amber would bring into our home. You can read book after book, go to class after class, but there is no textbook training that can help you deal with a child who simply doesn't want to be helped. Last week, Amber decided she no longer wanted to be a part of our family. I say that Amber made this decision last week, but in reality, Amber made the decision long ago. Last week...I chose to let her go.

Our home is peaceful. It is no longer a battlefield. I can leave my youngest daughter in the house with her sister and not worry about what is being said and done in front of her. The heaviness has been lifted and I can see the peace on my children's faces. I hadn't realized how hard this year has been on them. There is also, on my part, sadness, aching, and longing for what could've been, what was hoped for, and what's been lost. I pray for her daily. She is still my child.

Amber did not go camping with us. She had went to visit her biological mom. She called me while we were at the lake to inform me that she did not want to come home. I wanted to fight it, although, I'm not sure why. Deep down in places I would rather not visit, I knew it was coming and that it was time to let her go. When we got home we made arrangements for her to come get her things. We packed up her room and she came and picked up her belongings. That was that. No scene. No big emotional meltdown. No tears of sadness or joy. No real goodbyes. Just two lives that had intertwined for a moment in time beginning to unravel.

God had prepared us for such a time as this. The week prior had been filled with love, joy, peace, fun, and incredible family bonding moments. None of which included Amber. I knew if Amber had gone camping with us, our time together would have been tense, volatile, and completely stressful because each time I spoke with her a heaviness would come over me. God had given me a glimpse of life as it was and it forced me to realize how much I longed to live that life again. By doing this He gave me the strength to let go.

Amber has been, officially, gone for 4 days now and there is renewed laughter and joy in our home. My confidence in who I am, as a parent and a child of God, has also been renewed. He has whispered in my ear when I have needed to hear His voice. He has renewed my strength and I am soaring on eagles wings.

More about that later.

Renewing. Part 2

2008-08-19T16:23:00.006-05:00

Prior to this vacation my confidence, strength, and passion had dwindled. I was anxious for my bed in the evenings and couldn't imagine getting out of it in the mornings. I was completely burnt out!

My son came home and there was an instant rejuvenation. A piece of me that had been missing was put back into place...completing me. I enjoyed every minute with him. I cherished every smile, every hug, every word, every moment. Then..............he was gone.

The tears flowed harder than I could have imagined. I thought, somehow, it would be easier. I was so wrong. I wasn't able to take him to the airport because I had taken last week off. Probably a good thing. My mommy heart couldn't take it. I found myself at work, looking at the time anxiously. He was still in town. I could run home and keep him from leaving. I don't have to let him go back. He is my son! He belongs with me!

God's voice cut through the deceptive thoughts in my head like a knife. "Yes. He is your son. You can choose to bring him home, but you know he is better where he is."

I know, Lord. I know.

The truth of that statement set me free from the anxiety I was feeling. I steadied myself at my desk and began to do my job. The next time I glanced at the clock, my son was an hour away. There was no way to stop him. He was leaving.

I needed that reminder from God. It is my choice. It is within my power to bring my son home. However, when I made the decision to let Josh live with his dad, I did not make that decision on my own. I spent countless hours praying for God to show me His will. Then, I spent countless hours imitating Gideon. Throwing out my sheepskin over and over again. Hoping, praying, and at times, begging for God to give me a different answer. He didn't. It wasn't about me and God reminded me of that the other day as I sobbed and begged for a different answer again. He renewed my faith in Him once more as I chose to be obedient.

My son is gone.

And I've lost a daughter, too.

More about that later.

Renewing. Part 1

2008-08-18T13:44:00.004-05:00

I have so many things to write about that I'm not even sure where to begin. Do I start with 'I have never felt so refreshed and renewed' after a vacation or do I begin with 'I have been through some of the hardest days I have seen in a long time'? I choose to start with the 'refreshed-renewed' part. It's more upbeat.

Vacations are seldom 'refreshing' or 'renewing'. Usually they include major travel, masses of people, amusement park rides, food on a stick, plenty of activity, and very little rest. This vacation was different. Completely. It included minor travel, very few people, no amusement park rides, stick-less food, very little activity, and much needed rest.

We rented a cabin at a nearby lake. Sight unseen. We had heard they were really nice, but honestly had no idea. We didn't know whether our cabin even had a view of the lake. We rented it and prayed for the best. God is good. We arrived at the cabin to find that not only did we have a view of the lake, but it was located right on the lake. The scene from our deck was breath taking and permanently etched into my mind.

We spent day after day waking early to enjoy the stillness of God's creation. I spent countless hours unable to pray anything other than 'Thank you, Lord. You are sooooo amazing.' While I only spent short periods of time in His Word daily, His presence was so strong. I could feel Him in the breeze that swept through my hair. I could hear Him in the sound of the wakes crashing against the rocks. I could see Him, in all of His glory, as I looked up into the starry sky every evening. I felt so close to Him. It was incredible.

Our days were filled with giggles as grandpa took the kiddo's tubing on his boat. There were quiet moments and, well, not so quiet moments. We spent the days and evenings just enjoying uninterrupted togetherness. Friends and family stopped by and spent some days and nights with us, which made the moments even more special.

Thursday.....we had to leave. None of us wanted to. We even tried to rent the cabin for another day or two, but it had already been rented out. We came home where the hustle and bustle of every day life began immediately. I didn't have to go back to work until today and as the week drew to a close I found myself longing to be back at the lake. Longing for God to just rewind time.

As I sat last night reflecting on the week, I found that, while I was sad that vacation was officially ending, I felt completely renewed...ready to take on the world. In a sense time seemed to fly by and at the same time it seemed as though, for the first time ever, I had actually been on a vacation. Going to work this morning wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. But...........

Today was harder than I could have imagined.

More about that later.

Rest...

2008-08-10T00:27:00.007-05:00

We are leaving tomorrow for some much needed rest and relaxation! I can't begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to it. My son will be leaving for California on Aug. 18th and I'm anxious to spend some good, quality time with him and his sisters.

I finally got pictures uploaded into the computer, so I will leave these for you to look at while I am away:)

First night home with his sisters....

Don't make me 'patty slap' you, Sam!

(I may have to blog about the 'patty slap' sometime)

Yea. A whole FOOT taller than his sisters!

Oh yea. They look innocent.

(Well, Jordan doesn't. She definitely looks 'up to something' here)

That's my Jordan.

Always taking time to stop and smell the flowers:)

It's Been Awhile

2008-08-05T16:08:00.002-05:00

Wow. Seems like it's been a long time since I've posted, so I thought I better get to it!

I am soooo enjoying my time with my son. He has changed so much. Not just in looks, but in attitude and personality, too. He is maturing. He is no longer the little boy who lets instruction go in one ear and out the other. He is more responsible and much better at doing what he is told. It has been a joy to have him here without any conflicts. What a blessing from God. I guess I'm going to have to make that phone call to his dad and tell him what a good job he is doing. ICK! ;)
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This Sunday, after church, we will leave to go camping for a week. I cannot wait! 5 days of no T.V, no cell phones, no video games, no computer, no meetings, and no work! Just some good ole' fun in the sun. I am praying for decent weather as it has been WAY hot! It has cooled down today and I pray that this nice weather holds out. We do have an air conditioned cabin, though. YES! It still counts as camping! I like to refer to it as Camping in Comfort. I just can't fathom sleeping on the ground. Not only are there bugs and all kinds of God's not so beautiful creatures lurking on the ground, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to walk. I'm not quite as young as I used to be. Ahem.
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Can somebody please tell me......WHERE DID THE SUMMER GO? I can't believe it's school time already! I have begun the awful task of shopping for curriculum and I am pretty sure my head is going to explode. I am stunned, as I am every year, at how many different curriculums are available for homeschoolers. Seriously. It's enough to make your head explode. I'm not exaggerating. After looking at 7,365 different curriculums, I finally make a choice.....only to find one I might like a little better. ARGH. Yea. I go through this every year! Not to mention the whole internal fight about whether I should go ahead and just put them back in public school because I don't think I'm doing this right and maybe it would be OK if the kids hung out with drug dealers because they could witness to them and bring them to Jesus. BUT....God is good and always allows some naughty kid to stroll into my path at just the right moment and I am assured once more by His 'still small voice' that I have made the right choice.

Misunderstood. Or Should I Say Mr. Understood?

2008-07-31T10:43:00.003-05:00

Since my son is here visiting, I thought it would be fun to tell a little story about him. Yea. As if my last post wasn't enough to make him run, full speed, back to California. But...he is my child and must accept the fact, as most of my friends and family have, that anything he has ever done or said may, and most likely will, at some point, become entertainment for my blog;)

When Sam and Josh were little, they loved grilled cheese sandwiches. Almost daily they would request them for either lunch or dinner. So, one day I was in the kitchen getting ready to fix their lunch and they were sitting at the table. I wasn't sure what I was going to make and asked them if there was anything they were hungry for (Sam was about 4 years old and Josh was 3 years old). Neither of them could think of anything so I offered them their favorite...grilled cheese sandwiches. Samantha squealed in delight and wholeheartedly agreed that grilled cheese would be best for lunch. I assumed that Josh would be fine with it too.

As I began to prepare their sandwiches I heard Josh crying. I turned around and he was sitting at the table with big crocodile tears streaming down his face. I couldn't imagine what had made him so upset. I went over to him and this is the conversation that took place:

Me- "Buddy, what's wrong???"

Josh- "I don't want a grill cheese sandwich!!!" (sobbing and sniffing)

Me- "How come?"

Josh- "Because I want a BOY cheese sandwich!!" (crying)

Apparently he thought I had been saying 'girl cheese sandwich' all those times I had made them and he was getting to the age where he realized that there were distinct differences between boys and girls. NO WAY was he going to be caught eating a 'girl cheese sandwich'!

To this day, if I offer him a grilled cheese sandwich, I still call it a 'Boy cheese sandwich':)

I love you, buddy! Thanks for that awesome memory!!!

Armpit Hair, Adams Apples, and Febreze

2008-07-29T11:41:00.006-05:00

My son made it home safe and sound. God is good! I cannot begin to explain the sense of relief it is to have him here. There is always a piece of me that is unsettled when he is so far away. When he is here, sleeping under the same roof, there is a comfort and sense of completeness that washes over me. Just knowing that my 'babies' are all within my reach causes my heart to swell with emotion.

I am always amazed at how much he has changed when I see him. This time, even more so. We have been apart since Christmas, 7 long months ago. This is the longest we have ever been apart and I have missed out on some pretty important things, like:

Armpit hair and his Adams Apple. I know that seems strange, but I was there when he got his very first armpit hair. It was one long hair right in the middle of his armpit. He was very careful with it because he was afraid it might get pulled out. Yesterday, when he lifted his arm, I was shocked! His whole underarm is filled with hair. Man hair. In December he was already 6ft tall, but his neck and body still resembled a 'boy'. Now, there is a clearly defined 'lump' in the middle of his neck. I noticed this while we were sitting at the airport having coffee. My poor boy. I think I said it loud enough for the entire airport to hear: "YOU HAVE AN ADAMS APPLE!" Yea. Wonder why he doesn't come home more?

Josh has always been a, how do I put this as to not offend anyone, um, 'gassy' boy? Yea. Silent but deadly is his motto. And he's proud of it. He would often walk into the living room while we were watching television and crop dust (crop dust: walking into a room. dropping a silent, smelly, fart. leaving). Then, he would go into the next room, wait for the smell to take hold, we would scream his name, and he would let out a belly laugh. It would infuriate me. Yea. As much as it hurts to see my 'baby' grow up, I was hoping this was one thing he had outgrown. Not so much.

We spent the night at my mom's last night. Samantha and I were going to sleep upstairs and Josh and Jordan were going to sleep downstairs. I had just finished reading my Bible and was getting ready to lay down when Josh came in. Apparently he misses annoying us right before bed:) He hung out with us and I took some very important pics (which will be posted soon). As he began to leave, a smell began to fill the room. I'm pretty sure I saw a hazy green fog, too. Samantha and I, simutaneously, yelled..JOSH! and, in his usual fashion, he let out his infamous belly laugh. Just like old times and I couldn't help but think.......I am really going to have to buy some more Febreze!

He's Coming Home!

2008-07-28T12:08:00.002-05:00

My baby is coming home today. OK. So he's 6'1. He's still my baby. Always will be. He should have been here in June, but he decided to mess around in school and ended up with Summer School. He has finally finished that and is on his way home! I am so anxious to see him. I hope I recognize him because I didn't last time. He walked right by me. OOPS!

Josh knows Christ, but does not have a relationship with him right now. Of course this disturbs me greatly. I pray for him daily and my prayer now is that God will open Josh's heart while he is here. I realize that I can't make Josh have a relationship with Christ, but I pray that he will desire one. I pray that he will 'taste and see that the Lord is good'.

I will blog tomorrow and, hopefully, include some pictures.

Have I told you that I cannot wait to see him???? Yea. I think I did. BUT....

Seriously.

I can't.

Wait!

Um. It's Official. I'm Old.

2008-07-23T08:58:00.009-05:00

My non-blogger girlfriend, Deb, loves going to concerts. Me? Not so much. Unless it is someone I really love! Which typically translates to: just about any Christian concert where there are hands in the air praising God. Well, a few months ago we found out that Journey, Heart, and Cheap Trick were playing a concert....together. HELLOOOO!!! I was a big Journey and Heart fan. Cheap Trick? Not so much. I liked 'em, but never loved 'em. Anyway, Deb asked me if I wanted to go and I thought about it and decided that I didn't want to spend the money. I would rather go see a good Worship band. Needless to say, I received an email from Deb about 4 days later.....she had bought tickets. We were going. And let me just say.................

I'M SO STINKIN' GLAD CUZ THESE BANDS STILL ROCK!

Seriously. I was so amazed at how good these bands still sound. Heart was absolutely amazing. Anne Wilson can still belt it out like no other. You would think that after this many years of singing and touring that her voice would've changed some. You know, a crack here or there. Maybe a slightly different tone. Something! Nope. Nothing. Her voice is as beautiful now as it was when they began. When I was young, I so admired her voice. I wanted to sing just like her. Yep. Still do.

Now, Journey. Well, that went a little different. If you are a fan of Journey, then you know that Steve Perry is no longer with them. A detail that I wasn't aware of until the tickets were bought. I was not very happy about it. At all. I mean, really! Steve Perry made Journey! As the new (well, new in my world) singer began to sing I had to do a double take. He sounds exactly like Steve Perry! He's even about the same size and shape with just about the same hairstyle (complete with sideburns)! He even dresses like Steve Perry and has a lot of the same mannerism's on stage. Except.....he's Asian. Yea. It's really weird. Not weird because he is Asian, but because he looks and sounds so much like Steve Perry that you forget it's not him...until you look at the big screen and there is this Asian man singing with Steve Perry's voice. OK. Maybe you had to be there, but it was weird. Their music is so much more beautiful than I remember and Neil Schon (lead guitarist) and Jonathon Cain (guitarist/keyboardist) are such talented musicians. I guess I never realized that when I was younger. Which leads me to my next discovery..............

I'M OLD

Here are a few tell tale signs that I am old:

1) I sat in my seat for, almost, the entire concert.

2) I yawned in between bands

3) The concert didn't end until after 11:30pm and I was worried about getting enough sleep

4) The girl sitting next to me was young enough to be my daughter and didn't know the songs

5) It was really loud!

6) We left before the headline band is done playing so we could beat traffic out of the parking lot

7) The pictures below represent more than half of the people who attended the concert:

This one is hard to see, but this is an 'older' man.
He caught me taking his pic. Oops!

Just so you know, right or wrong, I ran after this guy to get this pic!

(He had a cane. I had to! Don't judge me!)

BFF's (not 'old' people;)

Thanks for the tickets, Deb. I so enjoyed our time together....... reminiscing about the 'old' days when we were 'hecka cool'.

I love ya!

Bloggin' Mama and Daughter

2008-07-22T10:28:00.004-05:00

**********UPDATE*****************
My daughter now has a blog, too!!!! I am sooo excited:)
Please click here to say "Hi" to her.

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I am soooo pleased to announce this:

MY MAMA IS BLOGGIN'!!!!

I have been asking (begging) her to blog, but secretly never thought she would. Well, once again, my mom has surprised me with her willingness to move into this electronic age. We even set up a myspace for her last week. Yea. She is the 'hippist' grandma I know!

So, please click here and welcome her to the community. I know she would be thrilled to hear from you.

Butterfly Effect

2008-07-18T15:44:00.003-05:00

The strangest thing happened at work today. As I sat at my desk, where I had been sitting all day, a butterfly appeared. He was white with just a spattering of green. I was on the phone with a client when he seemed to appear from nowhere. He began flying over my desk and I was simply in awe. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out where he had come from as no doors or windows are open. He finally made his way over to the large picture window in the front of my office. He was looking for a way out.

I went over to the window and pulled up the blinds. I wanted to help him get out, but didn't want to touch his wings. I placed my hand just under his tiny body and he landed directly on my finger. As I moved away from the window he panicked and flew back towards, what he believed was, the outside. He was consistently ramming the glass looking for a way out. Time after time he would land on my hand and as soon as I took him away from the glass, he would panic.

As this process repeated itself I thought of God. How many times has He had me in His hand trying to lead me the right way only to have me panic and go back to my comfort zone? The butterfly was convinced that his only way out was to go through this window because he could see the outside. He saw what was familiar to him and he was afraid to let me lead him into the unfamiliar, even though I could lead him in the way that I knew was right for him. That's me. There are times I am just too afraid to leave the glass. I see the way that is familiar and it looks right. No matter how many times God gives me His hand, I continue to jump off.

After many unsuccessful attempts, I finally cupped the butterfly in my hand (loosely) and made my way to the door. As I prepared to open the door he took off again. He flew to the frosted glass on the door itself. As I reached to scoop him up......he was gone. I have no idea where he went. I have looked for him everywhere in my office and he is nowhere to be found. He disappeared as mysteriously as he appeared and I sit here wondering......was that You, God?

What Did He Say?

2008-07-17T14:55:00.004-05:00

By now most of my friends and family have come to realize that anything they say can and will be used as entertainment on my blog. Sorry Heather.

During VBS last week, Jordan, Pastor Brett, Heather, and I were sitting together having dinner and chatting. Their youngest daughter, Alexia, who is only 5 months, was a little fussy. So, Pastor Brett, being the loving, doting, husband and father he is made some snarky little comment like: "Great. Now I have two neurotic women in my house." Yea. Pastors! Humph!

Heather, who was busy taking care of little fussy britches...along with their other 3 daughters, while her husband ate and made snarky comments, somehow missed the conversation. She asked what Brett had said and my daughter promptly replied:

"He said now he has two erotic women living in his house!"

Um. Yea. That's close.

God Is Speaking

2008-07-16T12:24:00.002-05:00

Every so often I read a post that just speaks so loud and clear that I know God is speaking to me. Today, I have read three of them.

Kelly at Just1Reason has been posting about a journey God has had her on. She has just posted part 3, so please make sure and begin at part 1....The Road To Emmaus.

Pete at Without Wax is on a Missions Trip in the Dominican Republic. Pete's wife, Brandi at Brandiandboys, puts things into real perspective in her post today.

The reason I am linking to these blogs are because they have all struck a cord within me. They are different, yet the same. I guess they are about getting down to the basics......the Love of Christ. Sharing it. Showing it. Spreading it.

God has been walking me down a path for a couple of months. Not sure where it's going yet, but I know He is changing me. He is changing the way I see things. He is giving me desires that I have never desired before. He is speaking.

You Know Your Folks Are Getting Old When....

2008-07-14T15:04:00.002-05:00

During the summer my kiddo's and I frequently eat with my folks. They live directly behind us and my dad is truly 'King of the Grill'. When he grills hamburgers, he usually grills a dozen at a time so all we have to do is pop one in the microwave and Voila! Instant dinner.

So, the other night the kiddo's and I popped over for supper and began the normal chaotic dance that ensues when we all try to squeeze into the kitchen at the same time. One by one we microwaved our patties and prepared our buns (hamburger buns, that is:).

As we sat in the living room talking and enjoying the food and company, my youngest daughter, Jordan, got up and went to the kitchen for something. When she came back in she asked: "Who left their hamburger in the microwave?" My mom, dad, Sam, and I all responded the same: "Not me." I looked around and everyone had their hamburger. As a matter of fact......everyone was almost done with their burger. We couldn't figure out how in the world an extra burger got in the microwave....as we only warm them up one at a time. Yea. I don't know why. We just do.

Just when I began to get very puzzled, I heard my dad say: "OH! It's mine!"

OK, he must've made two. That's not unusual.

Then it hit me as I glanced over and saw him digging through his onions and tomato.

He forgot the meat!

Here is my dad, sifting through his half eaten bun, that he was REALLY enjoying!

Yea. You know your folks are getting old when they make a hamburger with everything except........well........the hamburger.

Love you, dad!

VBS

2008-07-10T15:57:00.003-05:00

It's VBS at our church this week which stands for VERY BUSY SERVANTS! :) Seriously, I LOVE VBS. It's so awesome to see so many kids learning verses and singing praises to God.

Typically VBS is for K-6th grade, but this year our youth director decided to create a Jr. High VBS. It's called The Challenge and it's awesome! They created an obstacle course complete with a wall they have to scale and a moat they have to jump. Since it rained on Monday and Tuesday there was lots of mud and the kiddo's are LOVIN' it!

One of the things that we, the leaders, were supposed to be looking for was team work and we have been blessed to see LOTS of it! It's amazing to watch these kids help each other over the wall and through the various courses. Yesterday some of the kids even carried their friends across the moat when they couldn't make the jump. It was truly inspiring. I can't help but think of the friends who carried their paralytic friend up to the roof and lowered him down to Jesus through a hole when they couldn't get close enough. Incredible.

I will try to post pics this weekend or early next week!

Please keep the kids and workers in your prayers. Of course, Satan is hard at work this week. There has been lots of illness (my entire family and I included) and obstacles. One more day to go! Lives are being changed! God is GOOD!!!!! :)

Letting Go. Part 972.

2008-07-08T14:45:00.005-05:00

Samantha arrived home from her Missions Trip in Colorado. Thank you for your prayers! God heard them and there were blessings abound!

Timberline Lodge is where they worked and stayed. It is nestled in the beautiful Colorado Rockies. Not only is it a lodge, but it is also a Bible College. Many of the 'former' teens from our church attended Timberline prior to making a decision about which 'formal' college they would attend. Since Timberline has blessed so many of our youth, our Youth Director, Connie, decided it was time to bless them. 5 adults and 9 teens worked from sun up to sun down to get many, various projects completed. The staff at Timberline was amazed at the amount they accomplished for such a small group and everybody's health was PERFECT!

In addition to working, the teens were also challenged both physically and Spiritually. One of the physical challenges was a 5 mile hike. Now, Samantha is not 'outdoorsy'. She is like her mom. And frankly, the thought of a 5 mile hike scared her. However, when she returned...it was one of her favorite things about the trip. She made it. She was one of the last ones to the top, but she made it and she felt good about it! She said that the pain of the hike was worth the reward of accomplishing it! (YES! :) She brought an application back home with her and very much plans on attending Timberline after high school. This had already been her plan, but this trip confirmed her desire.

She didn't miss me. As a matter of fact, she was sad to be home and I came to a realization: She is spreading her wings in preparation to fly. The little girl who used to ask if she could live with me forever, who used to call me crying when she would spend a night away from me, is now a young woman who is anxiously awaiting the day she begins a new chapter in her life.....without me.

The mom in me is torn. I am so happy for her as I truly thought she would never leave my side, but I am so sad because I truly thought she would never leave my side. My heart aches with pain and swells with joy at the same time. What an honor to be her mom. What a privilege to watch her grow up. What a struggle to let her go. I fight the urge to not make her feel guilty when she seems ecstatic to leave and go to college. Sometimes I lose that battle. I don't mean to. I just can't help it.

Have I told you lately.....................

LETTING GO STINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Yea. I know. Only about 972 times!)

I love her soooo much, yet He loves her more. I can't imagine. And the one thing that gives me nothing but pure joy is to know that she is leaving me to serve Him. Before she knew Him....she wanted to live with me forever. Before she knew Him......she was scared of everything. He has given her strength, hope, and, whether she realizes it or not, confidence. It's because of Him she feels as though she can fly. And...........

It's because of Him I will feel more joy than pain when the time comes for me to truly let go.

You are soooo good!

We ARE The Body

2008-07-07T12:58:00.004-05:00

One thing I failed to mention in my previous posts of moldy carpet and hidden treasure is the fact that I also had a slight mental breakdown. As I was investigating my basement/family room, I went into our workshop area and found 'fungus/fungi' growing on the walls. I called my friend, Heather, and she came over to investigate. She had never seen anything like it....neither had I. It resembled lasagne (Yea. It will be a while before I eat that again!) and it was bulging out of the wall. I felt overwhelmed. My gutters needed cleaned, my garbage disposal died, there was a leak by my chimney and it felt like the house was going to fall down around me. My exact words to her were: "I just want to cry!"

Heather called me the next day to see how I was doing. I was fine. The realization that God is the Head of my household had sunk in and although I knew it would take some time, everything would get taken care of. Shortly after we got off the phone Pastor Brett, Heather's husband, called me. He said that I probably wouldn't be happy, but he had organized the men of our small group to come to my house and work on some of the issues. I began to protest that there were people who needed help more than me, but Brett was having none of it. They would be there Sunday and I needed to get a list ready.

Yesterday, at 2pm, they showed up......my mom included. Mold....GONE! Gutters....CLEANED! Gutters that were missing.....HUNG! Leak....STOPPED! It was amazing! These men and women, who I am so blessed to call brothers and sisters, jumped into the raging waters and calmed the sea for me. AND.......after all of that work, Brett and Heather opened their home and fed us. We had an awesome time of fellowship. I was overwhelmed by the genorosity, love, and support of these dear friends. So often we speak of the body of Christ and what it should look like, but when you see it, it leaves you breathless.

Happy 4th of July!

2008-07-03T10:03:00.009-05:00

Thank you for your service!

We love you!
Please take a moment and pray for the men and women

who have risked EVERYTHING!

Unnoticed Treasure

2008-07-02T08:55:00.006-05:00

Treasure to trash in 2.3 seconds!

Yea. I know. It should be trash to treasure. However, when you think you have a beautiful stone floor only to find out that it is extremely dirty linoleum layed over dirt.....well......it then becomes treasure to trash. Although, there was some nifty gold-glitter-polish-like stuff on parts of the floor (insert eye roll here). So, my floor didn't turn out to be quite what I thought it was. Disappointed? Yes. However, the wet, moldy, smelly carpet is out of her bedroom and that in itself is a treasure. She's happy and I'm happy.

However, God did bless me with some real treasure this morning. My phone rang before 7am. I looked at the caller ID and almost didn't answer it. I am ashamed to admit it, but the person who was calling is someone who I struggle with sometimes. She means well and her heart is good, but there is always something. Due to the hour of the morning I decided to answer it in case there was an emergency. It wasn't an emergency, but this dear woman was crying. She had been buying a lie that the devil was feeding her. She didn't feel she was adequate enough. Apparently I said something that encouraged her and she wanted to thank me. She also expressed thanks to me for the work I do with the youth and told me how much she admired me. I gave the glory to God as He humbled me first thing this morning. I am so undeserving of this woman's praise. We chatted a bit, I encouraged her, and she asked me for some prayer time. We prayed on the phone together and I could feel the Holy Spirit surround me. It was an amazing time of fellowship with a sister. God opened my heart and my eyes and allowed me to see a treasure that I had allowed to go unnoticed.

Thank you, Lord for early morning blessings and a lesson in humility!

Hidden Treasure

2008-07-01T14:11:00.006-05:00

With all of the rain we have received in the Midwest, it seems my basement may never recover. While I am fortunate that my basement did not flood, it has definitely not been dry either. My basement is finished (for the most part) and has carpet. As you probably already know- carpet+water= MOLD.

My daughter, Amber, has her bedroom in the basement and her floor has been soaked for the better part of a month. She called me today and asked if she could remove the carpet from her room. I was slightly apprehensive because I had no idea what shape the floor was in. However, I decided that whatever shape the floor was in, it had to be better than wet/moldy carpet. Yea. I'm smart that way. We talked about a couple of different ideas of what we could do. Should we paint? Lay tile? I told her to just get the carpet up and out and we would deal with the rest later.

Shortly after our conversation Amber called me again. She said: "Mom! Our floor is NOT concrete!" OK. I was extremely nervous at that point! If it was hardwood, then it had to be completely ruined. I asked her what it was and she said they were small stones. Like the kind you use to cover a patio. She sent me a picture from her phone and let me just tell you....it is sooooo cute! Who knew???

The black stuff is glue from the carpet. My house isn't that dirty. My daughter reported back to me and said that the glue is coming off and the stone is an off-white and resembles marble:)

It just goes to show you........

You never know what kind of treasure lies beneath the surface. Sometimes it's finding cute little stones underneath carpet and sometimes it's looking past the surface of a person to find a friendship or love worth more than gold. Appearances are deceiving. I believe there is treasure beneath the surface of every person and every circumstance. Sometimes it's hidden. Sometimes it's revealed immediately. Sometimes that treasure is a little rough around the edges and requires us to use some extra TLC to make it shine. That's me. I am a little rough around the edges, but God continues to cleanse me with His TLC because He desires to see me shine. He desires to see YOU shine. If you can't see the treasure of who you are or the circumstance you are in.....wait. He's not done with you yet. God is the Refiner. The Refiners ultimate goal is to see His reflection in His finished work.

Thank you, Lord for this little gift today and for reminding me that we are Your treasure.

Prayer Please.

2008-06-27T15:16:00.003-05:00

I know I have already posted today, but I need to request prayer for a couple of things and I know you will pray, because you are such awesome friends!

My daughter, Sam, is home from California. She arrived Wednesday! She will be leaving tomorrow, June 28th, for a Missions Trip to Colorado. This is going to be an amazing trip for the teens and leaders who are going. I know this because Satan is doing everything possible to mess it up. There has been physical and Spriritual ailments abound.

Also, I don't want to go into a lot of detail yet, but I am requesting prayer for myself. I am needing some wisdom about how to handle a situation. It is a situation that there really isn't going to be a 'happy ending' to. At least not right now. Please pray that the decision I make will be based on God's Will....not my emotions. It is a decision that will affect the lives of the people I love the most.

AND......

Please leave me a comment letting me know how I can pray for YOU! I appreciate your prayers more than you can know. Please allow me to return the favor.

God's Sense of Humor

2008-06-27T11:52:00.002-05:00

Last year the girls, my dad, and I took a road trip to California for my son's 8th grade graduation. It was a great trip and it was good to be back in the Bay Area for a visit.

We rolled into Reno, Nevada very late. I always get excited when we get to Reno because I know that we are just a few hours from 'home'. It is also quite a sight to go from a dark, desolate highway into a small town exploding with lights and action. It's as if you have stepped into another world. None of my children had ever seen Reno, so I tried to wake them up. The only one I could rouse out of a coma was my eldest daughter, Sam. She was pretty impressed with all the lights. She also knew that Reno was known as a 'party' town because of all the casino's and general 'naughtiness' that typically permeates the city.

As we were driving there was a small car in front of us that ran a red light. They were traveling at a pretty good speed considering we were in the heart of town. My dad and I were commenting on this person's questionable driving skills when Sam piped up out of the backseat with: 'He's probably drunk!' Immediately I went into Christian mom mode: 'Samantha! You shouldn't judge people like that. Maybe something's wrong and he's in a hurry. Just because we're in Reno doesn't mean everybody who does something wrong is drunk!'

Just as I am completing the last part of that sentence we pull up next to the same guy who is now sitting at a red light. As we look over to see who this crazy driver is, I can't believe my eyes! This man, who I have just tried desperately to defend, is guzzling a beer! Which, of course, prompted my humble-teenager-who-already-thinks-she-knows-everything to laugh hysterically while chanting 'I told you so!' Yea. Thanks guy.

Here I was, trying to do the right thing. Trying to teach my daughter a valuable lesson in judging others and it fell apart right before my eyes. As I rolled my eyes towards Heaven, in complete rebellious teenager fashion, I felt like Jerry Maguire: "Help me, help You God!!" I believe God has an awesome sense of humor. I also believe that I may have been the butt of his joke that night. Hmmm. :)

A Little Mood Swing.

2008-06-24T16:27:00.005-05:00

When my son, Joshua, was young he was quite a handful. (OK. Who am I kidding? He still is:) Anyway. One day, in particular, he was acting more obnoxious than usual and I was fed up! He had gotten in trouble for something and he was crying (he was about 2 1/2 years old). I looked at him, completely irritated, and said "Joshua! Why can't you be good?" His answer, spoken through sobs, was:

"Somebody stole my being good!"

Isn't that hyseterical? Needless to say, I couldn't stay angry with him any longer. He was always trying to get out of stuff and this time.....well, there just wasn't anyone around to blame it on. Oh, except for the 'somebody' who 'stole his being good'. He was quite the fibber back then! Or was he?

What if 'somebody' did steal his being good.

Jesus said in John 10: "The theif comes only to steal, kill, and destroy."

That 'somebody' that my son was referring to, even if neither of us knew it at the time, was Satan and Satan only comes for three reasons. Those three reasons can be reduced to one.....Satan comes to 'steal our being good'. For if he succeeds in that, he will succeed in all.

Oh, how I hate him. He has wreaked havoc in our house. He has tried to steal, kill, and destroy my family. But...........he has way under estimated the Stronghold of the Father's grip! So I only have this to say to him:

Bring it on!
Take your best shot!
You won't win!
You have been defeated!

You can knock me down, but He lifts me up. You can rip my wounds wide open, but He heals them. Every time you throw a punch, He takes the brunt of it, so I am never down for the count and with every jab all you are doing is bringing me closer to Him. Him. The One Who gives life. The One Who truly loves me. The One Who defeated YOU!

OK.

What started as a nice happy post took a small turn.

Um. Prozac, anyone?

Randomness.

2008-06-20T11:58:00.002-05:00

Warning: This is going to be a very random post. I don't really have enough 'stuff' in my head for an entire post, so I will give you some snipets.

My youngest daughter, Jordan, is returning from camp today. I am very anxious to see her. I was a little apprehensive letting her go to camp this year because of all the storm activity. God is good, though and storms ceased this week. Until last night. Nothing major though. Just some good thunderstorms. God knows that my mommy heart just couldn't take it!
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Pet peeves. We all have 'em. Some of them are more justified than others, though. Some people's pet peeves are drivers who cut them off. That is a justifiable pet peeve. For the love of Pete, somebody could be killed. Mine, however, is slightly less justifiable. I love fountain pop. It just tastes better to me. So, I go to the convenient store to get one and I have a choice of a 20oz pop or a 32oz pop! OK. 20...not enough. 32....way too much. Seriously. Isn't there an in between size that this store could carry? If so, I haven't found one in my town. They are ALL like that. Argh. See. I told you. Less justifiable. OK. So what is yours?
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My eldest daughter, Samantha, called me at work this morning. She is in California visiting her dad. I was on the other line, so my boss took a message. I called her back and she was in tears. I thought something awful had happened. I asked her what was going on and she said she just needed to hear my voice. Apparently she had a dream that I had died. She woke up crying and was still crying when I called her back. For the first time in my life, I wish I was a superhero. Stretch Armstrong to be exact. If I could have stretched my arms 2000 miles, I would've been the happiest mom on the planet. She was relieved to hear I was OK. I will remind her of that when she rolls her eyes at me next time;)
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As I have studied the book of Isaiah over the last 8 weeks, I have come to one realization: God loves us! OK. I know that's not profound or new, but He really loves us. The best part about that love: There is nothing we can do to lose it. Isn't that amazing? Even when we are at our worst....He loves us the same because He is always at His best. Actually, I have come to several realizations, but today this is the one that has resonated in my heart. It's nothing I haven't known. It's not new news. It's just unfathomable. 7 years after finding Him, I am still totally in love with Him.

Obviously, She Gets It From Me.

2008-06-18T13:46:00.005-05:00

I don't think kids realize how far technology has come. I mean, they read about it in history books and they hear the stories of their grandparents and their parents, but truly they don't get it. Much like I didn't get it when I was their age and couldn't believe that my folks didn't have a T.V. when they were little. I just couldn't imagine life without the Flintstones, Jetsons, or Scooby-Doo.

When I think back to my childhood even I am amazed at how far technology has come. Remember the first cell phones? They were 'attached' to the car or came in large bags. The phone itself was HUGE and they were outrageously expensive. I mean, only the 'rich' people had those. Now, 5 year olds have 'em. What about VCR's? I remember those being like a $1000. My grandparents bought my cousin, and I, T.V.'s for our bedrooms when we were about 9 years old and they were black and white. Color was too expensive.

However, as technology has changed, so have we. We have become accustomed to these modern conveniences and depend on them. A microwave, for instance, is something most families would not want to be without. It certainly cuts cooking time in 1/2 for those of us that are on the run. As a matter of fact, I do the majority of my cooking in a microwave. I didn't realize how much until the day our microwave decided to poop out on us. I also didn't realize that my kiddo's had never lived a life without a microwave. Until my daughter called me at work one day and this exchange took place:

Sam- "Hi mom. I'm really hungry. What should I fix for lunch."

Me- "Well, honey, why don't you fix a sandwich."

Sam- "There's no lunch meat."

Me- "Oh. I guess I better go shopping. Why don't you have some hot dogs. There are plenty of those."

Sam- "Oh yea. I forgot. Oh, wait. We can't have hot dogs."

Me- "Why not?"

Sam- "The microwave is broke. We have no way to fix 'em."

I realized that I hadn't boiled hot dogs on the stove since my kiddo's were really little. She had no idea that there was a 'conventional' way to cook hot dogs. I'm not sure how she thought people in the 'olden days' cooked hot dogs. Maybe she thought hot dogs weren't around in the 'olden days'. OR....maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all:)

A Post I Shall Live To Regret.

2008-06-16T14:24:00.003-05:00

You know how sometimes you take certain things for granted and you don't even wonder why it's there or how it's made or where it comes from? Well, I found out, the hard way, that you should NEVER do that. It may cause you to look like an idiot. The following is a conversation that took place between my mom, my aunt, and I on Saturday.

My uncle was sitting at the table eating a hamburger with bread and butter pickles. My mom and my aunt began discussing how their moms used to make their own bread and butter pickles and how good they were. Then things went South:

Aunt- 'I used to jar pickles myself. I would just take some cucumbers and.....'

Me- (sitting quietly. With a puzzled look on my face.)

Mom- 'Oh, yea. My mom used take cucumbers and.....'

Me- (Thinking out loud...unfortunately) 'Pickles are made from cucumbers????'

Mom- (the lady who brought me into this world) Laughing! 'Yes! You didn't know that???'

Me- 'NO! I thought pickles were pickles.'

OK. There was lots more to this conversation. ALL at my expense. Like when I asked about the giant pickles at the state fair and my mother replied 'still CUCUMBERS'! And when my mother shouted, literally, while laughing, that I was 38 (which I am NOT, by the way) and I should KNOW what a pickle is! My argument was that the jars don't say 'Pickled Cucumbers' they just say 'Pickles' which is really false advertisement. It leads you to believe that Pickles are different than cucumbers. Doesn't it? I just thought there were pickle vineyards somewhere.

So, I thought surely I can't be the only one who didn't know that. I decided to pick up the cell phone and ask the one person that I knew, for sure, wouldn't know that a pickle is a cucumber...my 11 year old daughter, Jordan:

Me- 'Hi sweetie! What is a cucumber?'

Jordan- 'Um. A vegetable?'

Me- (Yes!!! She obviously has NO idea:) 'Yes. It is. (Confidently) Do you know what else they are?'

Jordan- 'Um. No. Well....yea. They're pickles.'

Me- (Astounded) 'WHAT? How do you know that?'

Jordan- 'Grandpa told me!'

Yea. Apparently my DAD decided to share his wealth of cucumber information with his grandchildren and NOT his daughter. Hmmm. He must have decided to let that tidbit of wisdom skip a generation. Thanks, dad! (insert eye roll here)

I decided to call my kiddo's dad. I can usually dazzle him with my knowledge, so this was a pretty safe call:

Me- 'Hey Eddie. What is a pickle?' (smiling slyly. Waiting to dazzle him with more knowledge)

Eddie- 'A cucumber. Why?'

Me- (Sheepishly and wanting to slide under the table as my aunt and mom are still laughing) 'No reason. Just wanted to know if you knew that.'

Eddie- 'Yea. I knew that. Did you?' (Why did he have to ask that?)

Me- (Really wanting to lie) 'Yea. I know that.............................now'.

Eddie- 'Oh my gosh! You're kidding me. You didn't know that? The apple really doesn't fall far from the tree, does it?'

Me- (In the most loving, Christian tone I could muster) 'Shut UP! What do you mean?'

Eddie- 'Well, it's funny you should ask about pickles. I took your daughter to dinner last night and there were cucumbers on her salad. She said she doesn't like cucumbers so I asked her if she liked pickles. She said 'Yea. why?' I told her that pickles were made from cucumbers and she couldn't believe it.'

OK. Well, maybe the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but nobody can blame me for not teaching her. I can't teach what I don't know..........MOM AND DAD!

After that I decided to call my daughter, Amber. She was my last hope. Um. Yea. All hope is gone. She knew, too. I hung up before she could really make fun of me.

Really. Still astonished. Who knew cucumbers were pickles? Did YOU? (Praying. Right now. That there is ONE of YOU who did not know this).

Oh, and when you get done rolling on the floor, try to remember to be kind with your comments. I am still in shock over this whole thing. Really. I am.

We're Falling Apart

2008-06-16T09:32:00.005-05:00

As most of you have probably heard, the state of Iowa is falling apart. Storms, Tornado's, and Floods....OH MY! 89 out of 99 Counties have been declared disaster area's due to the flooding and we have seen more tornadic action than we have in two decades. It makes for some very 'exciting' evenings! My bloggin' buddy, Carol, sent me an email to make sure we were OK, so I thought I would update y'all.

Our small town has been blessed (must be all those prayers from YOU:). Although some of our fields have taken some major blows, our town has not. We have come close to sand bagging (a word that I didn't even know a definition for until I moved to Iowa) a couple of times, but so far......the water seems to recede at just the right time. What a blessing!!!

I am attaching a link so you can see the tornado (just click on tornado and it will take you there) that had us cowering in our basements. When you watch the video, please excuse the one curse word. Ahem. When they speak of Montgomery County....that's us. When he talks about debris, that is because it was ripping through a home. Praise God noboby was hurt or killed. This tornado was West of us and headed in our direction. Again......it diminshed before reaching us.

Thank you, my friends, for praying for us and asking.

Prayer Please

2008-06-12T14:47:00.002-05:00

By now, most of you have heard about the Boy Scout camp in Iowa that was hit by a tornado last night. Well, one of the boys, Ben, who was killed is the son of a friend of one of my girlfriends. I also just found out that Sam is from our Omaha homeschooling group. Please keep the families of these boys in your prayers:

Sam Thomsen, 13
Josh Fennen, 13
Aaron Eilerts, 14
Ben Petrzilka, 14

May God give comfort and peace to those who mourn.

Thanks for praying.

My Testimony.

2008-06-12T12:09:00.004-05:00

I come from a rare home. My parents are still married….to each other. Sure they have had their moments, but I always knew that they would stay together.

Knowing this, I grew up wanting to have the same love they had. I have dreamed of my Prince Charming for as long as I can remember. I just knew that I wasn’t complete until I found the man that I would spend my life with. Little did I know…..He was there from the time I was born. He was there before I was born (Jeremiah 1:5).

I fell “in love” for the first time when I was 16 years old. When I was 20, I was married for the first time. Not to my “first love”. It was an abusive union that left me broken and even more determined to find my “Prince Charming”. Now I had 2 children that needed a father in their home. If only I realized…there was already a Father in our home.

I jumped from relationship to relationship looking for my prince. With each relationship I started, I brought with me: my 2 children and a bag full of bruises and scars. I had been divorced for a mere 3 years when I had another child. This time I didn’t even bother with the marriage. It was just a piece of paper anyway…right?

Needless to say….that relationship ended and once again I was on the search for my prince. Would I ever find Him? Again I entered relationship after relationship just hoping that this one was the one.

And I found him. The one. I knew he had a drinking problem and I knew he wasn’t the most stable person, but I could help him. If I loved him enough, I could change him. He just needs someone to stand by him and care about him and love him. I will be that person! I was determined to make this marriage work. We even got married in a church, unlike my first marriage. We didn’t worship God or have a relationship with Him, but somehow getting married in the church was going to help this marriage be successful.

After 2 years of being cheated on and watching him drink our lives away, I decided that maybe my prince was a frog after all. So again, I was alone. At least it felt that way. Here I was…..30 years old and divorced twice. OUCH…it was painful to say and it was painful to think about. Again, my children had no father in their home. Again, I was going to change that.

I immediately became involved with another man. This time I knew he was a good man. How did I know? Because he had been in his current marriage for more than 12 years. And even though he didn’t love her anymore, he still stayed with her. What a guy, huh?…..This relationship, although short lived, would prove to be one of the most significant relationships in my life. It is the relationship that caused me to stop and think about what I was doing to my life and to the lives of my children and the end of this relationship would ultimately be the beginning of the most important relationship of my life.

It was December of 2001 when I finally met The One! He was perfect in every way. He accepted me for who I am. He didn’t have unrealistic expectations of me. He didn’t hurt me physically or mentally. This was a concept that I was completely unfamiliar with. Unconditional love! I had never felt it and I certainly had never shown it. Probably the closest I had ever come to experiencing it, was the love I had for my children. Yet, I realized that this new found Love was even greater than the love I had for them. Was that possible? Could someone really love me that much? It was hard to accept and I fought it with every ounce of my being. I couldn’t fathom this concept. I knew that I would NEVER be able to return this kind of Love. And I was certainly not worthy of this Love. This was the Love I had been searching for since I was a little girl. Here it was…at last! I was complete. And it felt incredible! He knew me better than I knew myself. He knew me before I was born (Jeremiah 1:5). He was there in the beginning (John 1:1) and He created me! He pieced me together and even numbered the hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30). And when my very existence was threatened…..He died for me. Now that is Love!

My Prince wasn’t to be found in the pages of a storybook. At least not one written by Disney. My Prince didn’t ride in on a white horse, He wasn’t that prideful. He chose to ride in on a donkey (John 12:14). However, I know that my Prince has a white horse (Revelation 6:2) and someday He will ride all of us, that choose to love Him, off into the sunset where we will live happily ever after.

100th Post Q&A.

2008-06-11T08:47:00.004-05:00

FINALLY!!!!!

Normally I don't blog every day. Usually it's every other day. So, tell me, why is it I wanted to blog so badly yesterday? I mean, really. It was killing me. Was it just because I couldn't? Yea. I think so. It's the 'bad girl' in me. I thought God killed her!

This blog is going to be long enough without my babbling, but I just want to say:

When I started blogging it was to keep a 'journal', so my kiddo's would have something to look at when I'm gone. It was intended to be a blessing to them. However, it has become so much more. I have connected with my 'extended' family; my brothers and sisters in Christ (singing: We are family! I got all my sisters and me.). You teach me, encourage me, challenge me, and pray for me. I never thought, in a million years, I would ever feel so close to people I have never met. Thank you! You are loved more than you could know. Isn't God amazing?

OK. Enough mushy stuff! Here are the answers to your questions:

Heidi wanted to know:

1. What calms you down the most?
Well, if I am in the midst of a 'storm' in my life and I go to God's Word, then it definitely calms me down the most. However, I must admit, sheepishly, that I often panic for a bit before opening my Bible. I have found that no thing and no person can calm me down like the Word of God.

2. Favorite meal while you are on the run?
Um. Silly girl. I never eat while running. I'll spill my food. Geez. ;) Besides, if I'm running, I am not breathing well enough to eat, too.

3. What takes your breath away?
Um. RUNNING!
OK....Storms. Thunder, lightning, wind, rain. I am in awe at the power and might of our Lord and it truly does take my breath away. Oh,.....the heat and humidity in the summer takes my breath away, too. Literally.

4. Can I wear white yet?
YES! Officially. It's after Memorial Day. However, I say....be a rebel. Wear it whenever YOU want to. 'Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world' :)

5. Why blog?
Because I know you are dying to hear what I have to say. It's all about YOU folks!!!! :)

Love ya, sister!!! Your blogs inspire me!

Indian Lake Papa wanted to know:

1) How far are you from Kalamazoo?
Papa, I am exactly 587.83 miles from Kalamazoo, MI. I was very excited to find that out. I am closer than I thought. According to Mapquest, I am approximately 9 hours away from you. You never know when I will come surprise you! Keep that guest room ready!

2) When are we going tubing ?
Maybe sooner than you think:) Boy are you going to be sorry when my kiddo's and I are standing at your door someday!!!

3) What can I pray about for you?
Papa, you are so sweet. I would just love it if you would keep my kiddo's in your prayers. I have a son and one daughter who aren't following Christ and two daughters who are. Thank you for asking.

You and Mama are soooo special. I love ya bunches!

Carol wanted to know:

Why are you choosing to live in Iowa instead of California?
Heidi asked the same question down below, so scroll down and I will post the answer for both of you:)

What do you like best about the church you attend?
God is there.

What is the ONE question you have for God...the top of the list question?
I knew YOU would give me the hard question:) I have had to think about this one A LOT! I guess my TOP of the list question would be: 'How can I serve you better?' It was between that and 'Why would you create Brussel Sprouts?'

Carol, I love your heart. You challenge me daily, friend! Love ya!

'Annonymous' wants to know:

1. Have you ever felt convicted by the Holy Spirit about coveting thy neighbors husband, boxer shorts and all?
Um. NO! Even the Holy Spirit understand my coveting. I mean, really.

2. What is the approximate airspeed of the North American Warbler?
Faster than the speed of light. More powerful than a locomotive. Oh, wait. That's Superman. Sorry.

3. In your own words, please define a 'dingle-berry'.
Dingle-Berry is a berry that grows in Australia. See, one day a man named Jack was walking down a path eating some berries. All of the sudden a pack of wild dogs came out of nowhere and began growling and barking at Jack. They seemed to want his berries. Jack was very hungry, though and did not want to give them up. Suddenly one of the dogs attacked him and they all began to 'nip' at Jack's hands. Finally, the dogs managed to pry the berries from Jack's bloody hands. As the dogs ran off, Jack jumped to his feet and shouted: "A dingle's got my berries!" (in the most adorable Australian accent you have ever heard:). To this day, those berries are called 'Dingle Berries'. Duh!

4. Can you guess who's questions these are?
Well, if you hadn't posed the first question I may have had a hard time with this, but there is only ONE husband I covet.....and it's YOURS! :) (or it's YOU....if this is DCW:)

Your friendship has always meant the world to me. I love ya, sister. Give DCW a 'wedgie' for me:)

Girlymama wanted to know:

favorite movie?
Seriously. This is a hard question. I have sooo many. So, I will give you a few: Pride and Prejudice (still waiting for Mr. Darcy...sigh), Facing the Giants, The Guardian, Hitch, Twister, and sooo many more!

favorite book (can't say Bible - i mean summer reading book :-)
You stopped me in my tracks on this one because I was SOOO gonna say my Bible. Honestly, I don't really read anything but my Bible. I don't get a lot of time to read, so I have to make time daily to be in the Word. Any time that I get.....I spend it in the Bible. However, if I do find time to read other books...I LOVE Max Lucado. I think he is an amazing writer.

I have sooo enjoyed your blog! It always gives me a good chuckle! AND....thanks for 'sniffing' Colin for me:) Love ya, sister!!!

Heidi wants to know:

Iowa....what keeps you in Iowa?
I was born and raised in California and moved to Iowa when I was 27. I LOVE it. I found God here. My family is here. My friends are here. I absolutely LOVE the changing of the seasons (spend one Fall here and you'll be hooked). I know who my kids are hanging out with. I feel safe. As a single woman and mom, I can afford to live here. It is a much safer place to raise my kiddo's. Um. I like corn. A lot. Slower place. Fewer people. NO traffic:) Seriously, I could go on and on.

Heidi, I am thankful that the Holy Spirit led me to your blog. He has used you and your story to teach me about myself. If you ever want to 'get-away' from it all......I have room for you:) Love ya!!

Kathi wants to know:

1.How did you become a Christian?
You know, I'm not sure..LOL! My children had been going to AWANA at a local church. One of our neighbors had been taking them. My kiddo's began asking me questions about God that I couldn't answer. Then, Sept. 11th happened and my aunt passed away in 2001. I decided it was time to go to church and find out about this 'God'. Really....I was going for the kids. I wasn't sure what I believe about God, but I wanted them to be able to make up their own minds. Yea. Not quite what happened. I walked into my church for the first time and I felt the presence of God. I knew I was home. I knew I would never be the same. I remember crying when I realized He loved me just as I am. I was right.....I've never been the same:)

2. How do you earn a living?
Currently, I work for an insurance company. I am a licensed agent assistant. I believe God has other plans for me, though:) I am thankful for this job, but my desire is to be home with my children. We'll see.

3. What's your favorite food for dinner?
My very favorite dinner food is steak (cooked on the grill), baked potato, and corn. OH, and a biscuit:) YUMMY!!!!!! OK..now I'm hungry!

4. What's your favorite movie?
See response to Girlymama:)

5. What's your favorite Bible verse.
Wow. I have sooo many. BUT...my very favorite is the one that God gave me at a time in my life where I was very distraught. I am an only child, so 'waiting' is not a gift of mine. And you know God is ALL about 'waiting'. Well, I was in the midst of a trial and really wanted God to give me a clear answer. It seemed to be taking forever. As I was crying out to him one day, I clearly heard him say...."Be still". I knew He was telling me to let go of the situation and quit worrying about it. So, in that moment....I gave it to Him. I let it go. The next day....I had my answer. So, in short: Psalm 46:10.

6. (Personal) You don't have to answer this one if you don't want to. I'm just curious. Are you a single mom by choice in example: Never been married adopted all four, or was there a husband? If so, does he help you raise the children?
Kathi, I have no problem answering this, but the answer is long. Tomorrow, I will post my testimony. You will know more about me than you ever wanted to!!! :) As far as the children's dad helping me raise them.....he lives in California and has our son. So, yes.

Kathi, thank you for your sweet spirit. Your love for your family shines through and draws me in. You are such a good wife and mom! What a blessing you are! Love ya!!

Sharon wants to know:

What was your best friend's name in 1st grade?
OK. Sharon. Have you ever seen 'Finding Nemo'? Well, I'm Dory! I'm lucky to remember my address. I have seriously thought about it and I don't think I had one. The only one I could think of was Gary Walsh. We were buddies. AND...I thought he was cute. BUT...we were buddies. My mom and dad would always call him 'little Gawy'. Drove me nuts. Now I do it to my kids. However, I don't think it was 1st grade. I think I was a loner. A rebel. A geek?

Did you ever belong in a club as a child? If so, what was the name of the club and what was it's purpose?
Um. Yea. It was a club started by my two friends and I in 5th grade. It was called 'The Flower Club'. No! We weren't horiticulturists. We just liked 'flower' names. So, we all adopted names of flowers as our own. I think my name was Rose. Which disturbs me because my youngest daughter wants 6 girls and wants to name them ALL Rose. Yea. Like George Foreman. OK....I had totally forgot about all of this! Anyway, our purpose was very noble and worthy! We wanted to raise enough money to..........are you ready.......................send the WHOLE club, all THREE of us, to DISNEYLAND! Yes. We were fundraising for a personal vacation! OH MY GOSH! History is repeating itself! My eldest daughter suggested we do fundraising so we can take a DISNEY CRUISE next year!!!!!!! Who knew, when we started the 'Flower Club' that it would cause a generational ripple????????? Freaking out. Seriously. This is soooo weird. Leave it to you, Sharon! Oh, and THAT is my mom's name, by the way!!!! HMMMMMM....

Did you ever fall in love with one of your teachers???
Not love, just lust. Sorry, but it's true. My high school history teacher was Mr. Matthews. Yea. He was a hottie. I must've liked him A LOT! I flunked his class 3 times. Mmmm-Hmmm.

Sharon, I just love you and Kathi. What awesome examples of God's love you are for your families!! Love ya! OH...and WHEN are you going to adopt me as your 'other' sister????? ;)

Lori wants to know:

If you could meet one person, besides Jesus, who would it be and what are the top three questions you would ask him/her?
Sister, I am sooo sorry, but I can't answer this. This was a question on a blog that I read yesterday and I have been thinking about it ever since. I just don't know. I will continue to think about it and let you know in a later post! Awesome question, though!

It has been so amazing watching the transformation the Lord has done in your life. You inspire me to always try to be the woman God intends me to be! Thank you, sister!!! I love ya!

I hope you all (or ya'all) enjoyed this. I know I did!!!! Thanks for the questions and thanks for reading my ramblings!!!!!

You Ask. I'll Tell.

2008-06-09T11:24:00.003-05:00

My next post will be my 100th post!

Sooooo......

I have been trying to figure out how to 'celebrate' this blogging milestone. I know some of you have posted 100 random facts about yourself, but that seems like a lot of writing and quite honestly, I can't think of 100 random facts about myself that would hold your attention. Some of you have had giveaways, but I'm thinking that you probably wouldn't want my 'stuff'. So.....I decided to do something a little different.

I have decided to do a Q & A. In the comments section of this post you are allowed to ask me ANY question you want. You can ask personal questions, random questions, funny questions. You can ask my opinion on certain things...whatever you want. No holds barred. In my 100th post..I will answer your questions. Just remember...if you ask my opinion....I'm gonna give it to you:)

Yes. You can ask more than one question. You can ask as MANY as you want.

I am excited to hear what is on your mind! What do you want to know?

I will post the answers when I think everyone is done asking. Oh, and just a reminder....I CAN'T POST ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL I POST THE ANSWERS, SO PLEASE HURRY! I'm just sayin.

Happy questioning!!!!!

Fill In Friday Over At Tam's

2008-06-06T11:24:00.003-05:00

It's that blessed day of the week. The last day of work (for me, at least) AND......most importantly......

Fill in Friday at Tam's!

Tam has the rules posted on her site, so don't worry if you've never played. However, I must warn you: It's ADDICTING:)

See you there!

Twister. (not the game)

2008-06-05T14:48:00.005-05:00

I love storms. Here, let me say that again. I love storms. The bigger, the better. Have I told you that one of my dreams is to go on a storm chase? Mm-Hmm..it is. I really, really want to see a Tornado. Don't judge me! I live in 'Tornado Alley' for Pete's sake. Seriously, to truly signify the beginning of storm season, I have a tradition. I break out the best movie ever, 'Twister'! OK. Maybe it's not the best movie ever, but it's a 'must watch' during a severe weather advisory.

OK. So when I say I want to see a tornado, you must understand that I do not mean that I wish to see a tornado over my house! I'm talking open field. Nothing being destroyed. No debris. You get the picture.

Last night? Too close for comfort. At approximately 6:45pm the sirens began to sound. I hurried home and found that a tornado was a few miles outside of our town and it was headed in our direction. As I looked to the West, the sky was black. The wind began to pick up slightly and we were told to take cover.

Now, since I love storms, there was no way I was taking cover. I wasn't too worried about it. I was more concerned for a friend of mine who lives out in the country not too far from where the tornado was spotted. Besides, in the 12 years I have lived here, we have never had a tornado come through town. As a matter of fact, to my knowledge, this town has never been hit by a tornado. We did have one touch down on the outskirts of town once, but that's about it. No worries. Until............................

The tornado siren had been continuously wailing for approximately 15 mins when I heard the sounds of other 'sirens'. Fire trucks, police, and ambulances. In 12 years, I have heard the sirens sounded, maybe, 3 times. I had never heard other sirens join into the chilling coronation. I was on my porch when it dawned on me: my daughter, Amber, was working. Alone. She must have felt my thoughts because not a minute later she sent me a text message saying: 'Mom, I'm scared.' Just then an officer raced by our house and told me to get inside and take cover. My daughter wanted me to come get her, but I couldn't. They weren't allowing people to be on the streets. I told her to run across the street and go to the nearest house. She went to Burger King instead, but at least she wasn't alone.

I went down to the basement and as we looked out the window we could see nothing but black. The darkness was reminiscent of the pitch black you find at midnight. Mind you....it was only around 8pm. As we waited, we received word that the tornado subsided and, miraculously, only one house was damaged by it. Nobody lost their life, thank God.

Storms. They are so big and powerful. They remind me of God. They remind me of how small and out of control I really am. Maybe that's why I love them. As the thunder roared and the lightning cracked, my heart was rejoicing at the magnitude of His power and might.

We are bracing for more storms tonight and they are supposed to be worse than last night. I pray for everyones safety and ask you to please send one up, too:)

What's The Deal?

2008-06-03T16:25:00.002-05:00

Most of you know that I was born and raised in California. Now, California definitely has some 'quirks' (OK....perhaps that's a little understated), but after living in Iowa for 12 years I just have to say....the Midwest? Yea. It has some 'quirks', too.

There is an odd phenomenon that occurs this time of year that I can't seem to grasp. It's an event called 'Mushroom Hunting'. Yes. I said Mushroom. Hunting. If you are from the West Coast, I know you have a puzzled look on your face right now. Cause I'm from the West Coast and I still have a puzzled look on my face. In California we are taught to NEVER eat wild mushrooms because they can cause you to, um, die!

I have questioned these 'hunters' about this seemingly odd behavior and I'm not even sure they know why they hunt mushrooms. The only answer I seem to get is "Mushrooms are awesome!" and "Oh, they are sooooo good!" OK, but can't you buy them? It's not like store-bought mushrooms are sold at Lobster prices. It's FUNGUS for Pete's sake! Or Fungi....whichever the case may be. Alright, truth be told....I can't stand mushrooms. Not store bought and especially not captured-in-the-wild-mushrooms.

Still. Every store you go into you can hear wild stories being told of mushroom hunting days gone by. At first, I thought it was a joke. You know. Like 'Snipe Hunting'. A little joke the hicks, er, I mean, country folks like to play on us city folk. Yea. No. They are serious. I mean really serious about their mushroom hunting. Frankly, it's disturbing.

Please, please, please tell me......

Have you ever been mushroom hunting? Ever heard of it? Know someone who does it? I am dying to hear your thoughts on this!

(PS....I can use the word 'hick' because after 12 years....I'm officially 'hicky'/'hickish'. Not sure those are words but I am one. Officially. Just ask my kids. However, if you are not from the Midwest you are NOT allowed to call us 'hicks'. Just wanted to clear that up:)

His Hands.

2008-05-30T11:12:00.002-05:00

Because my children's dad lives in California, I have made many trips to the airport to watch my children leave the safety of my arms and fly into the vast, unknown, sky.....into God's hands. It is always traumatic for me. Even when said child is almost 17 yrs old.

Prior to 9/11, it was common to see crowds of people gathered around the gates of the airport saying goodbye and welcoming loved ones home. Post 9/11, nobody is allowed to go to the gate except for the person traveling. However, when children are flying alone you can request a 'pass' that will allow one person, usually the parent (me), to escort the child to the gate and watch their flight leave. This is both, good and bad. Good because I must see the plane leave the ground and continue to watch it until it is no longer visible to the human eye and bad because the entire time I am watching, I am sobbing. Not just a little tear trickling down, but dramatic. Hollywood. this. is. the. stuff. movies. are. made. of. sobbing. Oh, and audibly praying at the same time. Yea.

This morning my eldest daughter, Sammie, left for California. She is only going for a month instead of the usual three months, but still. It's traumatic. You know. It's the whole 'letting go' thing....again (insert eye roll here). We checked her in and started for the gate when I realized that I had forgotten to ask for a pass to escort her to the gate. We went back to the check-in desk and asked the lady if I could please have a pass. She asked how old Sam was and I told her she is 16. This woman, who is in the customer service industry, then looked at me and said this: "If she can drive herself to the airport, we are pretty sure she can find her own gate!" "Next in line please." In the most condesending tone EVER! Oh yea. I was miffed. I felt my 'old' self, the mouthy 'old' self, the before I found Jesus 'old' self, begin to rise up in me. I stuffed it back down and walked away. It is soooo NOT what I wanted to do. I think it physically pained me to not say anything.

So, today was a milestone. A glimpse into my not-so-distant future. I said goodbye to my baby and watched her walk, on her own, towards security. All of the sudden she looked so grown up. Where has the time gone? I remember holding her little hand when she was a child and walking her down the ramp to her gate. Now, in place of my little girl, a young lady stands. Suddenly the song 'There Goes My Life' by Kenny Chesney popped into my head (which is really strange because I don't listen to country music) and I could feel the bitter sting of tears begin to well up in my eyes. I stood at the top of the ramp and watched her proceed, like a grown up, through security. She knows me well, so she stopped about half way there, turned around, smiled, waved, and blew me a kiss. I watched her until she was no longer visible to my human eyes. She is now in God's hands.

It occurred to me today that this was the first step in letting her go. Today she boarded a plane alone. In a couple of years she will go to college....alone. She will meet the boy she will marry. She will have children. She will live her life...not alone, but without me. At least for the most part.

My empty hand aches and longs for the days when her tiny fingers were interlaced with mine. Now it is God who holds my hand...and hers as we walk through this next phase of life. The same Hands that knit her together in my womb. How awesome is that? While my heart still aches, it also rejoices as I slowly let go of one of my most precious gifts and give her back to her Father........ who loves her even more than I.

I love You, Lord. Please take good care of our girl.