A Year. . . or more

It always surprises me when I check this page and it has been a year...or more...since my last post. So many things have taken place since I last shared anything:

Jordan and William did tie the knot on May 28, 2016

My son proposed to his girlfriend on December 24, 2016

And, I graduated

2016 held so many blessings for our family that my heart completely overflowed. Some years are like that, right? Years where our mountaintop experiences far outweigh our desert wanderings. Other years, it is reversed. It is too early in 2017 to know what this year will hold. Thus far, the blessings have continued to flow for our family; for myself. It would be normal to say that I hope the blessings continue to flow for the remainder of this year...or more. But, the truth is--I hope that God brings me whatever I need to further my relationship with Him. If it's blessings....so be it. If it is adversity or some desert wandering....so be it. Thy will be done, Lord. I thank You for all of it.

It Has Been A Year.

It has been over a year since my last post. And in that year....

This happened......

AND.....this happened....

It has been quite a year. The Lord has blessed us in so many ways. Can't wait to see what is next! What I know for sure is, whatever comes....good or bad....one thing is constant:

God is good. 

No circumstance changes that. 

Love Is An Open Door.

Thursday, July 31st

I often wake up with songs in my head and generally...they are worship songs. I love it. I love when my soul wakes up singing praises to the Lord. What a way to start the day. Today, however, I woke up singing a song from Frozen...Love is an open door, with you (with you), with me (with me). What?! While I love this movie and all of the songs....it is just so random. And, it's 3am!

I am up early to take my friends to the airport:

My friends who are not really friends at all, but family. My friends who are my sister and brother and nieces. My friends who are being called to walk upon the water and candidate in Delhi, New York for a Senior Pastor position. My friends who God has been preparing me to let go of...because they are going. Whether it is New York or elsewhere...they are going.

I am introverted by nature and when I met the sweet woman in this picture 8 years ago...there was a giant wall around my heart. I was very broken--especially when it came to relationships with other women. I was used to having only one close friend and keeping everyone else at a very safe distance. I did not open up and share easily....OK, not at all really....and, I remained guarded. She, however, was the polar opposite! She loves people...especially women. And, frankly...that made me want to run from her. But, I didn't. I think mostly because she lives next door and well....she wouldn't let me. And, despite my flaws....she just kept loving me. It took several years, but finally we really connected. I began to open up to her in ways I had never opened up to anyone. I stopped just giving her details about my life and began to share my feelings with her. This was new for me. I trusted her and we built a bond that is unlike any I have had before; a bond of mutual trust, respect, edification, and love. A bond that challenges us both to be better than we were when we met. A bond that continues to grow not in spite of our changes, but because of them.

As I sat on my bed praying for this family, my family, I began to pray for my own heart as well. As I prepare to let them go, I can feel a familiar desire creeping in. A desire to hole up in my house and push people away. Even her. Especially her. It would be so much easier to just build that wall up and lock her out now. I mean really....who wants to see me running down the street chasing the moving truck?! Well, scratch that. A lot of people, I'm sure. The point is...it would just be easier to shut them out now. But, as I prayed about my heart and wanting to build up a wall....these words continued to go through my head....

"Love is an open door! Love is an open door! Love is an open door!"

And, it suddenly hit me....

This silly song that has been running through my head this morning is a gift; a reminder from God...love is an open door. I cannot put up a wall or close a door on this woman because I love her...immensely. Love thaws. Love melts. Love is an open door. Oh, Lord. You even use Frozen!

So, I will continue to love her through this transition...knowing and trusting that God is going to use this to strengthen us both--together and separately. And, I will pray that nobody is filming as I run down the street chasing their moving truck crying like a baby. 

So, I dedicate this song to her. A song written to be a love song between Anna and Hans...but describes the friendship and love between my sister and me. 

Okay, can I just say something crazy?
I love crazy!

All my life has been a series of doors in my face
And then suddenly I bump into you

I was thinking the same thing! 'Cause like 
I've been searching my whole life to find my own place
And maybe it's the party talking or the chocolate fondue

But with you
But with you
I found my place
I see your face
And it's nothing like I've ever known before
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Love is an open door

With you
With you
With you
With you
Love is an open door

I mean it's crazy
What?
We finish each other's—
Sandwiches!
That's what I was gonna say!
I've never met someone
Who thinks so much like me
Jinx! Jinx again!
Our mental synchronization
Can have but one explanation
You and I were just
Meant to be

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
To the pain of the past
We don't have to feel it any more
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Life can be so much more

With you
With you
With you
With you
Love is an open door

You Call Me Out Upon The Waters...

On June 13, 2014 my sweet girl left home...headed for Santiago, Dominican Republic.

This mama's heart was nervous. As my previous posts can attest...I have had to let go a lot lately. But, this was different. This was out of the country. This was not in the 'Art of Letting Go' booklet I had been perusing.

They had been planning it for about a year. Fundraising. Planning. Talking. Shots. Bible Study. Passport. Yet, somehow it had not quite sunk in that they were leaving the country. Until the Sunday before they left...when our church gathered and prayed for them.

Suddenly, it became very real to me and panic began to set in.

Here's the thing...I trust God. I am all about being open to wherever God leads. But, throughout the entire planning process I had an uneasy feeling. I didn't want her to go. At first, I thought it was about the money. I didn't think we could raise enough money for her to go. But, every time I decided that she just wouldn't be able to go...I would pray and God would show up in amazing ways. At one point, after praying and telling God I didn't think she would be able to go and that if He wanted her to go He was going to have to just bring the money....a woman from church approached me and said "I want her to be able to go on this trip--I'm willing to put in however much she is short to make it happen." Then, she wrote me a substantial check to get her started. This happened just a few hours after my prayer. WHAT?!?! OK, Lord.

So, it wasn't the money. It must have been her leaving the country. But, after the group departed I realized it may not be about that either.

As soon as they departed...I had peace. And, throughout the week she was gone...I had peace. What I came to realize was that the fear and the anxiety I had been feeling was the work of the enemy...and, the knowing that I may never really get my girl back.

God made it clear that this girl was supposed to go. As a matter of fact, God made it clear this entire team was supposed to go. I knew that. So did Satan. The doubt and fear creeping in was no accident and if I had not prayed to God and allowed Him to reveal His desire to me--if I had chosen to just tell her she couldn't go--I would have interfered in His plan for her and this team. I am so thankful that my spiritual gift is faith and I exercise it often.

This girl came back changed.

I just spent the last couple of hours sitting on the porch listening to my girl share her journal and her heart for the people of the Dominican Republic...and all over the world. Here are some of her words....

 "It's just so different. I love it....it was an indescribable feeling. I feel scared of my passion, though!...I love being here! I want to stay so badly. I want to submerse myself in their culture. There is so much more to learn and so little time to do so. I want to travel so much. I want to learn about every single culture in the world. I want to love them and see how they worship God. I want to help them and care for them. This trip has been so comfortable. And, yet, I have been so out of my comfort zone...and yet, still comfortable."

I have always known this girls heart was special. She is quick to forgive. Never holds a grudge. Loves unconditionally. Stands up for the underdog. Seeks out the loners. Puts others before herself. Loves like Jesus.

I think deep in my heart I knew that when she went--she would want to go back. And, she does. She wants to intern with Envision next year for several months. And, this may only be the beginning. I believe God is calling this girl to the mission field. Maybe overseas. Maybe here. But, He is calling. He has been preparing her. And, He has been preparing me.

Lord, I pray you would take this girl wherever you need/want her to go. I pray the fear of her passion would subside and that she would lean into You and let You lead. And, if you could help me to let go...again...that would be great :)

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

Oceans-Hillsong United

The Art of Letting Go.....again.

This has been a year of letting go.

FIRST:

My 'baby' got her drivers license.

THEN:

My sweet boy moved out. Not just out, but out to California. 

And, THEN:

My little girl left the nest and moved an hour away. 

Yes, this has been a year of letting go and it has been bittersweet to say the least. There is an internal kicking and screaming that is nearly constant while I continue to experience His peace that surpasses all understanding. It is an incredible paradox that only a parent understands--if it is possible to understand at all. 

The art of letting go. It is a never ending chapter in the book of our lives. Some pages are harder to read than others, but they are all necessary to get to the final chapter....the happily ever after. 

Thank You, Lord...for my children. For allowing me to be their mom and for walking alongside us as we navigate this new season in our lives. I love You. 

Slow Fade...

Fighting those voices tonight.

You know the ones.

The ones that tell me I'm not good enough. The ones that tell me nobody likes me. You know, the ones that are the loudest and seem to drown out the Voice of Truth.

Ugh! They irritate me. A lot. OK, well, they don't irritate me. I irritate me. The voices are just doing what the voices do--steal, kill, destroy. They are acting in their nature and doing what comes natural. I, however, know better. I know they are lies. I know they have set out to destroy. Yet, I continue to give them power. Yep! I'm irritated with me!

This is where the slow fade begins. The slow fade that Casting Crowns sings such a passionate warning about. The slow fade that causes you to go from feeling like a beautiful, confident, woman of Christ to a horrible mother, daughter, friend, Christian.

 "When black and white have turned to gray. Thoughts invade..." 

So, I am going to the Word for some Truth. I am going to silence these voices with the one only thing that can--God's Word. His Truth. The one only place I can go and see myself clearly. Not through my own eyes. Not through the eyes of the world. Through the eyes of the One who created the world. Through the eyes of the One who had me in mind when He sent His Son to die for me. The One who calls me His. El Roi. The One who sees me. Who really sees me. And, the One who removes the veil from my eyes to see Him in me.

♥

Cakes....

If you would have asked me about cakes 3 years ago--I would have told you that I loved them and Hyvee had one of the best cakes around. 3 years later--Heather and I are making them. WHAT?! I am amazed at how God works. Baking has never been my thing, but He used the spark of creativity in my 'bestie' to ignite a flame in both of us. And, this is the result.....pure yummy-ness!

Hyvee makes cakes??? :) 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."-Psalm 37:4

Rest for the Weary

For the past 11 years I have been single. While I have not always viewed that as a blessing, over the last 7 years I have come to understand that my gift of singleness is exactly that--a gift. However, there are definitely times when I miss having an 'earthly' husband.

One day, a few years ago, I was talking with a good friend of mine and she was lamenting about the busyness of her schedule. She had a habit of taking on more than she should--much like me and most of the women I know. Then, she said that her husband had told her that she was not allowed to take on any additional projects and that she needed to cut a few out. My fleshy, rebellious, brought up by the world heart immediately thought, "Ugh! I'm glad I don't have a man to tell me what I can or cannot do!" But, I just smiled and nodded and told her how fortunate she was to have a husband that cared enough to hold her accountable. Fast forward a few years later.....

I have thought of that conversation many times over the last several years. And, as I have grown in my relationship with Jesus and learned to take those worldly, rebellious thoughts captive, I have often found myself wishing I did have a husband to help me keep my schedule in check. Someone to hold me accountable. Someone to tell me, "Hey, we want you at home more. Your family is your first ministry and you need to learn to say "No!". Someone to clear my schedule.

My last class, Public Speaking in Ministry, was extremely challenging for me. Not only do I loathe speaking in public, but I had to actually give a sermon. And, not just a sermon, but a sermon that stuck to the outline the professor gave us. I felt as though I was trying to make a circle fit into a square peg. On top of that, in the middle of the class, I came down with the flu. The week before my sermon was due, I was spending some time with some dear friends. I was lamenting to them about my schedule. Between work, making cakes, homeschooling, and everything else--I had no idea how I was going to get this sermon done. I knew that in order to write it, I was going to have to find some quiet time with God. And, when you live in a house with 7 people--well, quiet time is not so easily found. One of my friends graciously offered me her apartment to come study in, but when was I going to find the time to do that? Remember that husband I was grateful not to have? I needed him. Right now. And, He showed up!

While I am with these precious sisters, I get a text message from the woman I nanny for--her son has the flu and she is staying home with him the next day so she can take him to the doctors. My packed schedule just became a lot more open. But, I knew I still had to pick up the kiddos Samantha nanny's for since Sam had school on Monday's. Then, I receive another text--"You don't have to pick up kids tomorrow. "L" is off." I sat in awe as I realized--my Husband cleared my schedule.

Immediately, I was humbled. I had never gone to Jesus and asked Him to clear my schedule--I went to girlfriends and cried out instead. But, He heard me. He knew I needed that time with Him. And, as always--He provided for me. Proving, yet again, that I may be single, but I am not alone. I may not have a tangible, earthly husband, but I have a Husband. A Husband who gives me rest when I am weary.

Thank You, Jesus. I love You so.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  

                                          -Matthew 11:28-30

Saul to Paul

Every once in awhile God reveals something big. Something that you already knew in your head, but suddenly understand in the deepest recesses of your heart. I call those moments "Saul to Paul" moments--moments when the scales, that you did not even realize were there, fall from your eyes and you see things so clearly that you know you are forever changed. God blessed me with one of those moments as I ended my Theology of Evangelism class.

The Great Commission is one of the first verses I really came to know. When you attend a Christian and Missionary Alliance church, well--you just kind of learn that one, you know?! But, what I did not understand until the other day was that even though I knew the verse, I didn't know the verse.

During week one of my class the professor asked us to rewrite the Great Commission in 12 words or less. No easy feat. How do you rewrite something that the God of the universe has spoke? So, I did my best. I definitely wanted to make sure the words "preach the Gospel" were included in the 12 words. Because, well, they had to be, right?! I mean, that was the entire premise of the Great Commission--to preach the Gospel. Right?!

Fast forward to week five of the class. I have read Becoming a Contagious Christian by Bill Hybels and I have just finished reading The Master Plan of Evangelism by Robert E. Coleman. Both were really great books, but there was something about Coleman's that grabbed me. Which was good because it was the book that I was supposed to write my final paper on.

The last paper. The only paper that stood between me and a seven week break paper. I decided I wasn't going to write it. I needed a break. My classes had been doubled for five weeks and during those already difficult five weeks--I found out my dad has prostate cancer. Yep. I needed a break. But, that stubborn, OCD behavior just wouldn't let me rest until I had completed what I started. Well, at least that is what I thought it was. So, I sat down to write that last stinkin paper!

I wrote the book review part and started to answer the questions and the first one hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't a hard question--as a matter of fact, I thought it was a bit too simple to even be a question on the final paper. The question--"Why is making disciples so essential to the completion of the Great Commission?" Ummm...hello! Obvious, right?! Yes. One would think so, but as I got ready to answer it I knew there was something more. Something I was missing. I thought about Coleman's book and looked up Matthew 28:19-20 and there it was:

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations...." 


I could feel the tears sting my eyes as I heard God's voice "You have missed the mark my beloved." My mind ran through week one in my head again and it suddenly dawned on me as the scales began to hit the computer keyboard--the Great Commission has never been about "preaching the Gospel", but it has always been about building relationships. The Great Commission is Jesus saying "Teach others about me by loving them the way I have loved you. Teach them to follow Me and obey Me and to carry on the Father's work as I have done. Then, send them out to do the same."

I cried hard that day. I cried for the time I had wasted by being afraid to "preach" at people. I cried because of how intimate God is with me and how gentle and loving He is when He scolds me. I cried because I never wanted to forget this realization. I don't want to be the man James speaks of who looks in the mirror and forgets his face. I want to remember this revelation--and the way it made me feel. I want to be forever changed because of it.

Lord, how can I thank You for pulling the scales off of my eyes, except to never allow them to form again. Thank You, Lord. Your grace, Your mercy, Your gentleness, Your intimacy overwhelms me to the point of tears. Continue to open my eyes to opportunities to build relationships with non-believers and make me bold in proclaiming Your name to all. Show me how to make disciples based on Jesus' example alone. No gimmicks. No strategic outreaches. Nothing but Jesus and His example. In Your Holy Name I pray...Amen!

Oh...and Lord.....thank You for prompting me to write that paper. When I didn't 'feel' like writing it I should have known You were getting ready to teach me something great! You always use the stuff I am least excited about:)

Life Changes....Even When it Doesn't

My dad has cancer.

We are fortunate. It is contained to his prostate and his prostate can be removed. More than likely, his life will go back to normal in just a couple of months. However, even with a good prognosis, life changes. Things are never the same after finding out someone you love has cancer. At least, I hope not.

Life is so short and time goes so fast. It is easy to take for granted the ones we love. Yet, in the blink of an eye they can be gone. Whether it is a child leaving the nest or something more earthly permanent--they can be gone. I was reminded of that when I found out about my dad.

This is the second time God has allowed my dad some extra time on this earth. I don't know what His reason's are, but I am not complaining. So, today I am going to love a little better than yesterday. And tomorrow, I want to love a little better than today.

Life changes....even when it doesn't. Or perhaps, more accurately--life changes us.....even when it doesn't look much different on the outside. Either way--I am thankful for all that God teaches me and I rejoice in the hard times knowing that God is refining me through the fire.

Life Changes.

After today......

Life will never be the same.

Whether it is good or bad......

It will never be the same.

February 16th....

The day my son enlisted in the United States Marine Corps.

The recruiter called the week prior to let us know that all of his paperwork had been processed and he had been completely cleared to join. I was immediately excited, as Josh had been waiting so long for this, but then suddenly a feeling came over me that I could not explain. I felt tears begin to well up and I had a hard time swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat.

It's real, isn't it?! For the past year we have waited for that phone call, but when it came--I wasn't prepared. I thought I was. I don't know how many times over the past year that I sarcastically asked "When is that recruiter going to call?" while expressing frustration over something Josh was doing--or more likely--something Josh wasn't doing (i.e.: taking out the trash, doing his laundry, etc.).

It's time for him to leave the nest. He needs to begin his life. God has a plan for him and it is not to live with his mom the rest of his life. But, for the next 6 months, while my baby boy is still under my roof, I am going to enjoy every moment with him--because I am very aware of how precious this time is.

Lord, if you could slow down the time a bit--I would really appreciate it. Help me to remember, especially when I am feeling frustrated, that I can never get this time back. In the name of Jesus I pray.....

Heart Stuff.

The other night at Bible study we were watching a Joyce Meyer DVD and something she said struck me...

"We all think we are a little more ready than we are."

I think back to when I started college. I went back to school because I felt called to youth ministry and knew I needed a degree. However, I really looked at the classes as a formality. I knew I was ready for the job--I just needed the paperwork to back me up. 3 years later--I am coming to realize that I was not even close to ready to lead a youth ministry. Am I closer now? Yes. Am I ready? No.

I know that college is really about the journey not the degree, but I am truly amazed at what God has been teaching me over the past few years. Not 'college' stuff, but heart stuff. He is teaching me to:

Stay connected to Him

Be in His Word faithfully

Listen

Be honest about who I am and what I am capable of

Love others (especially those who are hard to love)

Forgive

Believe the best about people

Be genuinely happy for others

Be relational versus relating

Serve

Be Sanctified

Believe in miracles

Know the difference between having faith and believing

Be still and wait

And, perhaps most importantly......

He is teaching me to be teachable. I am learning to say "I don't know" and I am learning that, well, ..........I have a lot to learn.

Thank You Lord for being my Teacher and Counselor. The degree I will receive in a couple of years will never accurately describe the true Knowledge that I am receiving. Thank You for closing some doors and preparing me to be the woman You need me to be in order to truly serve You.

Providence.....

At 6:18am I received a text message from a friend letting me know that her daughter had passed away at 5:20am. It was a text I had been expecting and dreading since she had called me 6 months prior to inform me that S. had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it was terminal.

I prayed for S. daily. Though I had never laid eyes on her, I prayed fervently. I prayed for physical healing and I prayed it would occur here--in this world. I wanted the doctors and those who were in charge of her care to witness a miracle so big that they would be in complete awe of God and unable to give credit to anyone other than the Lord Almighty. I wanted her to live! Instead--God allowed me to witness a miracle that will forever change my life and reminded me what living really is.

Because of privacy and names, I do not feel as though I can lay out the entire story here, in public. But, what I can say is this.....

2 weeks ago nobody was sure about S's salvation and this morning--Jesus welcomed her home. God used a series of Divine appointments and true Providential orchestration to reconcile His daughter back to Him.

6 months ago S. had only a month or so to live, but she continued to take one breath after another. She stood at death's doorway more times than her family would care to recall--only to be completely lucid the next day. Nobody understood why--until 3 days ago.

3 days ago S. encountered the messenger God sent to her. A daughter of Christ unafraid to share the Gospel with a dying woman she hardly knew. A woman who understood the desperate need for S. to turn her life over to Christ. A woman who had left just a few days earlier weeping for S's lost soul. A woman who led S. in the sinners prayer and placed S's hand in Jesus'.

S. may have passed from this world on Saturday, September 3rd, but truly she died 3 days earlier when she became dead to her sins and asked Christ into her heart. 3 days later, God raised her from the cancer-ridden body that held her captive in this world and crowned her with "love and tender mercies."

There were several times in the past month when I cried out to God in frustration because He had not healed S. and this morning, while I prayed for S's family, I felt the sting of tears brim my eyes as God gently reminded me that S. was truly healed. He had answered my prayer just as I had asked--just not in the way I had asked. Praise God! Once again I was left with what I already know and often forget--His ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than mine.

I am looking forward to meeting S. face to face someday as we stand before the Throne of Grace.

"For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone,

declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!"

Ezekiel 18:32

"He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies."

Psalm 103:4

Doesn't Matter How Far They Are.....

Friday, August 12th Samantha turned 20 years old. Monday, August 15th she moved out of our home and into her new place. And.....my heart was not quite ready.

I had not allowed myself to really think about Samantha leaving home. I knew it would be hard and it would be an adjustment, but I also knew it was part of the growing up process and I was fairly certain I was prepared for it. Quite frankly, there had been many days over the past year when I was looking forward to the day she would get her own place. Not because I was anxious to have her out of the house, but because she seemed unhappy living at home and I knew she wanted to spread her wings. I remembered being her age and wanting the same thing. Even though I loved my parents and got along with them very well, I couldn't wait to be out on my own. I knew Sam was feeling that same itch and the only way it would get scratched was to leave.

As the weeks leading up to her move began to shorten I could feel myself kicking and screaming within. Sam and Josh are both graduated, Sam is getting ready to move, Josh will be joining the Marines and Jordan is starting high school. How did we get here, God? Is there any way I can have a re-do? I think I can do better. I can be a better parent. I will spend all of my time with them and not take any of it for granted. If only I had known time would go this fast I wouldn't have wasted so much of it. Please God....please......

While our God is a God of 2nd chances, there would not be the one I had requested; Monday came and my little girl went. As I drove alone with her stuff in the back of my car the realization swept over me--our relationship would never be the same again. It might be stronger, it might be weaker, but it would never be the same.

Jo and I stayed with her and helped her unpack and then we just sat and talked for a bit. The truth was--I didn't want to leave. Finally, I knew it was time to go and told Sam that we needed to leave. She responded by saying "You're just going to leave me here?" and I smiled and said "Well, yes. This is your new home." She sighed a bit and I could tell it was just as hard on her as it was on me. We walked outside and stalled with a little small talk--then I gave her a hug and the tears began to fill my eyes. As we pulled away I could see that she was crying as well and it took everything I had to drive away.

Shortly after I got home Sam sent me a text that said "I miss you already!" I knew how she felt. As I looked around the house there were reminders of her everywhere. While she hadn't lived in this house all of her life, she spent the majority of it here. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite pictures of her was taken when my parents bought this house and Sam came with them. She was about 3 years old. Since that time these walls have seen her celebrate approximately 14 birthdays, have several sleepovers, accept Christ, prepare for 2 proms, nurse her heart when it's been broken, graduate from high school, and grow into a beautiful young woman.

I miss her. But, I know she is where she is supposed to be. I am proud of her beyond words and cannot wait to see what God does in her life. She is only 20 minutes away and will be home every Saturday, but to my heart--it may as well be around the world. Of course, God likes to keep things in perspective for me.

After dropping Sam off a friend of mine, Sue, sent me a text wondering why we don't have Bible study on Friday. I told her it was Sammie's birthday party and when she responded she misspelled Sammie's name. So, I poked fun at her by sending the same misspelled name back. Sue apologized and said she had been in kind of a fog lately. She said she had Skyped with her daughter that morning and that she was really missing her--her daughter is working in a Christian school in Indonesia for 2 years.

I was immediately reminded of how fortunate I am and told Sue that I could not imagine what she was going through since I was shedding tears just leaving Sam 20 minutes away. I expected her to say "Yep! Be fortunate that your daughter is here and not around the world! At least you get to still see her!" But she didn't. Instead, she showed grace and compassion and sent me these wise words....

"But when they don't come home at night, doesn't matter how far they are."

So true my friend!

Lord, thank You for my beautiful Samantha. I love her more than words can express. Please watch over her and comfort her as I know this is harder on her than it is me. Also, thank You for keeping things in perspective. I am thankful that Sam is not far from home right now. I just don't think I could handle that...yet. Neither could she. Of course, You already knew that, didn't you?! You really are so good, Lord. I also thank You for the friends You have place in my life. You always know which one to use at just the right time. I pray that someday I would be a blessing to them as they are to me. I love You, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.....

Your Blood Speaks a Better Word.....

I have so many things to record that I am not sure where to start. Abraham was right for stopping in his tracks and building an alter right then and there when he wanted to remember how far God had brought him. Yet, many times when I have sat down to write...the words simply weren't there. How can I put into words what God is doing?

The restoration between Amber and myself, and the fact that He used a baby to bring it about, fills me with such awe and wonder that I can scarcely understand it. He allowed the two of us so many intimate moments while we were at the hospital that now our relationship feels as though we were never apart. The cracks in our relationship that were once wide and gaping are no longer visible to the naked eye. Instead those cracks have been sealed with grace and love and bonded by an infant who has stolen our hearts.

When I look into Amber and Brenden's faces I often forget that there is no blood that holds us together. Instead, we are bound by our hearts and the Holy Spirit. She doesn't have my eyes and he doesn't have my smile. Yet, God has been gracious to allow such a strong resemblance that that those who do not know us well believe we are related by blood. And, truthfully we are. We are related by a blood stronger than that which runs through our veins. We are bound by the blood of Christ....a blood that runs deeper, wider, higher and longer than any blood found in our mortal bodies.

God used a baby to restore my family, but why that surprises me I do not know. Long before He restored my family He used a Baby to restore His. A Baby born to parents He did not share blood with, but He shed blood for. A Baby who stole the hearts of many....including my own.

Thank You, Lord.....

Dear Eddie....

Do you know that her best friend is Victoria? Vic is one of the very few people that she opens up to completely.

Do you know that kids flock to her? Not just kids she knows, but all kids, random kids in grocery stores.

Do you know that she wants to work with kids? No. Not teaching. She wants to be a children's pastor.

Do you know she is afraid to tell you that because she is afraid you will make fun of her or make her feel as though she is a disappointment?

Do you know that every time she looks at a picture from her 8th birthday she points out the fact that you told her she looked "pregnant" in that dress?

Do you know that your daughter feels like she is second, sometimes third and fourth, in your life?

Do you know that she has cried herself to sleep after getting off the phone with you?

Do you know that she believes that you feel as though she is a "mistake"?

Do you know that her favorite color is purple?

Do you know that she has a great sense of humor?

Do you know that all she has ever tried to do is please you? Even if it meant not being herself!

Do you know that she will spend the rest of her life trying to undo the damage you have done?

Do you know that he is excelling in C.A.P.? He has promoted every 8 weeks and that is very rarely done!

Do you know that he is a hard worker and comes in whenever they call him?

Do you know that he is completely in love with his new nephew and totally spoils him?

Do you know that he loves kids and will be an incredible daddy someday?

Do you know that he has an awesome sense of humor?

Do you know that he loves playing online video games and would love to play with you?

Do you know that choosing to stay with me was one of the hardest decisions he has made?

Do you know that he almost chose to go to USC just because you wanted him to and he wanted to make you happy?

Do you know that when you told him he was no longer your son that it broke his heart?

Do you know that he hates it when you treat him like he is the favorite child?

Do you know that neither one of your kids ever wanted money from you? They simply wanted their dad to love them and be proud of them. Do you know that neither one of them feels that from you?

These are the things that I want to say to you, but can't. It is no longer my place. Our children are adults and this is their battle. The sad thing is....if you were to read this list you wouldn't feel bad, apologize to them or try to change. Instead, you would allow it to be an excuse to cut them out of your life for good. And, I will not give you that excuse!

Lord, You know my heart--and it is hurting for my kiddos. I am thankful that they have a Father in Heaven who loves them no matter what. Every child deserves that kind of unconditional love. Please help Eddie to grow up and be the parent that You have called him to be. And, help me, too. I certainly have made my own share of mistakes. It is only because of You that I am the parent I am today...and I still have lots of work. I pray Eddie finds You, Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ....I pray. Amen....

May 22, 2011

Welcome to the world......

Brenden Hal Rodgers

Born at 7:27pm

5lbs 11oz

19.8 in

After being born at 34 weeks, this sweet little guy spent a week in the N.I.C.U. at the Nebraska Medical Center. He was expected to be there for at least a month, but God had other plans!

So many intimate moments to share......soon!

May 14th, 2011

It was harder than I anticipated. The culmination of 18 years welled up in my eyes as I watched the PowerPoint share the story of my baby boy becoming a man. And, once again I wondered....where has the time gone?

I glanced over at him throughout the ceremony. His chiseled face and tall stature scarcely resembled the little boy I once held in my arms. But every now and then he would smile and I would catch a glimpse of that sweet, baby boy--and I would feel the sting of tears once more.

I knew this graduation would be harder. Not because I love Josh any more than I love Samantha, but because I understand that my time with this child is limited. I know that within a year my little boy will no longer be mine to hold, but will belong to the United States Marine Corps--and in this world, in this time of war, I understand that every moment is precious. However....I also understand that this boy was never truly mine. He was, is, and will always belong to God and it is into His hands alone that I will release him.

My prayer for you, my son, is that you will fall in love with Jesus Christ the way He loves you. I pray that you will know and understand, to the best of a human beings knowledge, the depth and breadth of His love. I pray that you truly believe "The task ahead of you is never greater than the Power behind you." I pray that regardless of where you go, or what you do, you understand that God is always with you and that even when you drift far from Him...He is always waiting for you to return. I pray that despite being in the Marines and having a chain of command to report to, that you understand your true Commanding Officer is Jesus Christ...and that you report to HIM daily.

Finally, it is my prayer that you know that I love you more than words could ever express. Raising you has been an honor and a privilege and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world.

Lord, thank You for this boy! I pray that I have raised him in a way that has honored You...even though I know there were plenty of times my attitude, heart and mouth did nothing of the sort. I pray that no matter which roads he travels he will ultimately travel the road that leads back to You! Please watch over him and protect him, Lord. In the name of Jesus...Amen

Not-So-Little Man

On March 22nd my little man turned 18 years old! As I reflected on the day of his birth I remembered just how badly I wanted a son. I already had Samantha and I longed for a little boy. The doctors were pretty sure I was going to have a boy, but wouldn't give me a 100% guarantee. Still, I knew.

The labor and delivery were pretty rough, but when I saw Josh for the first time I was completely in love. I remember fearing that I wouldn't be able to love him the way I loved Samantha. I already loved her so much that I just couldn't imagine loving another child. However, his chubby cheeks and turned up nose melted my heart and I knew this boy was going to hold my heart in his hands. And, he still does.

He has grown into an amazing young man with a perfect balance of book knowledge and street smarts. His sense of humor can send me into hysterical laughter at the most inopportune times and, my one of my favorite things about him--he can be a bit O.C.D. While I am not always proud of my own O.C.D. tendencies, I love seeing myself in him. A reminder that no matter where we are--there is always a piece of me with him and vice versa.

We have walked some tough roads together and we have walked some tough roads apart. I have cried out to God on this child's behalf more times than I can count. Yet, we have a God ordained bond that binds us regardless of distance--physically or emotionally. I praise God for that bond every day as I am painfully aware that it is only by His grace that it exists. Paths that were taken could have created a gap so wide that it could have never been bridged.

My son is now a not-so-little man. He is graduating in a few weeks and will join the Marines shortly after. I will continue to cry out to God on this child's behalf more times than I can count as I learn to let him go and watch him navigate this life without me by his side.

Josh-

I love you more than you know. Someday, when you have children of your own, you will understand the depth of my love for you. It has been my honor and privilege to be your mommy and I am so thankful God chose me for you. I pray that you will love God with everything you have and allow Him to shape you to look more like Him every day. Nothing you will ever do in all of your life will ever be as important as following God. I love you Buddy!

Lord-

Thank you for my son. He has brought me great joy and great heartache throughout the years--and I wouldn't trade a moment. Thank you for the bond you have given us and for watching over him. I know he is safe because of You and You alone! Please continue to protect him in every way and grow him to be a strong spiritual leader for his own family someday. I love You, Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray.....Amen.