New Blog...

OK! I know I have absolutely no business trying to do two blogs when I stink at keeping one, but since I consider my blog to be an alter to God and a legacy for my children, I really wanted a blog that chronicles my journey into youth ministry. So, I started this.....

DROPPING MY NET

This blog will be centered around the lessons I am learning as I travel the road God has paved for me. Over the next four years there will be times the road is smooth and times the road is full of bumps--and I don't want to miss a thing. For I know in every joy and every struggle God is using it all to shape me into the woman He has called me to be.

Soli Deo Gloria.....

Hope for the Future...

On May 15, 2010 my baby officially graduated high school.

Two weeks later: out of town relatives are gone, decorations are put away, speeches are given, tears have been shed, and life feels like it did prior to that day. But, in my heart, I know life will never be the same.

Samantha is with her dad in California and even though I know she will be home in a few weeks, I also know that it won't be long until she is gone more than she is home and I am still trying to reconcile that thought with my heart--as my heart doesn't seem to quite grasp it, yet. However......I have found myself looking forward to the future lately.

I can't wait to see how God uses her to touch the lives of others through music and the gift of compassion He gave her. I can't wait to see if God will allow us to serve in ministry together. I can't wait to get the phone call when she says "I think I met the man I'm going to marry" and to meet my future son-in-law. And, eventually, I can't wait to meet my grandchildren. I can't wait to see how she handles being a wife and mommy and mostly, I can't wait to see her and her husband train their children in the Lord.

OK. Maybe I can wait, but because we chose to follow the Lord, I can look forward to the future. Generational sins will be broken and my children's lives will look so much different than mine. Because of the Lord there is hope for my future and the future of my children and all our generations to come. Letting go is hard. Even when I know that Sammie was never really mine to begin with, but hope makes letting go so much easier.

I wonder how I would feel if I never knew the Lord? I am guessing my world would feel like the bottom was dropping out of it. Instead, I can mourn the loss of my 'baby' while celebrating the young woman she has grown to be.

Thank You, Lord for allowing me the opportunity to raise this girl of Yours. Help me to consistently hand her over to you as I practice letting her go. Thank You for being eager to rise and show us compassion and for drawing me near to you. I fully understand that our lives have hope because of You and You alone! I love You.

Matters of the Heart

Knowing that Samantha's graduation is drawing near has definitely kept my mind preoccupied. Not only am I busy sending out invitations and planning her party, but I am also trying to squeeze in as much time with her as possible--this includes making sure I have been present at every event she is involved in. Until a couple of weeks ago when God reminded me--I still have two other children that need their mom.

Saturday, April 17th, was a very crazy day for our family. My second eldest daughter, Amber, got married (more about that later), Samantha's prom was that evening, and Josh, who is a member of the Civil Air Patrol, had a Fly In and Promotion Ceremony. Of course the wedding was a priority as I had committed to walking Amber down the aisle and with this prom being Sam's last it was also a priority. When Josh told me about the Fly In I reminded him that I needed to be at prom walk-in's that night. He looked disappointed, but when I asked him if he understood he shrugged and said it was "OK". Apparently it wasn't.

A few days later Josh and I got into an argument over something that should have been no big deal. However, Josh was very angry. He went downstairs and I went after him asking what was wrong. As he gave his book a toss he looked up at me with tears streaming down his face and replied "What does it matter anyway? You didn't even care enough to come to my C.A.P. Promotion!" OUCH! I sat down with him and hugged him. I could have made a thousand excuses, but the truth is--I had failed to recognize the importance of this event in his life because I had been completely consumed with his sister. I continued to hold him as he wept and assured him that I would pay closer attention to the things that matter to him.

I thank God for that moment every time it crosses my mind--which is often. I truly believe God brought Josh and I to that place, at that time. Josh never cries! When he gets upset about something, it typically manifests in the way of anger and we end up in a big argument until he finally tells me what is really bothering him. So, the tears streaming down his cheek stopped me in my tracks. They left me no choice but to really listen to my son's heart. It was tough to hear that I had let him down, but I wouldn't trade that moment for the world.

Thank you, Lord.

31 Days

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

As I purchase graduation announcements, take Senior pictures, construct a schedule, prepare my speech, and work on various meaningless tasks--I find that I am distancing myself from the true meaning of that day as much as possible. I am attempting to get lost in these trivial details so that the full magnitude of what is going to take place does not hit me.....

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

I have the privilege of watching a little girl on Wednesday evenings and she loves to listen to music on my laptop. Tonight I decided to play some songs from The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. Almost instantly I could feel the emotion well up within me and I fought to hold back tears as images of my little girl flooded my mind. It was as if I had been transported to another place and time--15 years ago--when she would twirl with her apron, basket, and book pretending to be Belle or jump up with extended arms to mock Ariel while singing "Part of Your World". Suddenly, my head was reeling with the thought......

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

Where has the time gone? I know it seems like the million dollar question, but I mean it. Where has it gone? How did we get here? I feel like there is so much I still want to teach her, yet I find myself constantly amazed at how much she knows. She is so far ahead of where I was at that age that I wonder what in the world I could possibly teach her. The simple truth is--I'm going to miss her. While she is my 'little girl' she is also my friend. I enjoy our late night talks and the way I can always count on her to go somewhere with me--even if it is just to the gas station. I love that she waits up for me to get home if I am out late and that she always kisses me goodbye--even if I am sleeping and don't know it. She is one of my best friends and I can't imagine not seeing her every day. I always knew this day would come and I knew it would come quick. Every seasoned parent is fast to let you know how quickly time flies. But......

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

And nothing could prepare my heart to let her go. I am trusting that God will give me every ounce of strength when the time comes, but for now I am going to be selfish a while longer.

The Wonderous Cross

As we enter into Holy Week I can't help but focus on the cross. The cross that I seem to lose sight of throughout the year. The cross that served as a backdrop to the most amazing event history ever recorded. The cross that my Savior clung to as He took His dying breath. The cross that I often look at and completely forget its true meaning.

I spend time with God and read His Word, but every year, at some point, I become completely complacent about the cross. Then we begin the lent season and I find myself drawing near again. And by the time we enter Holy Week I am in awe once more. Completely wrecked with emotion for the God-Man who found obedience to the Father more important than anything Satan could tempt Him with. A love so big for a world so lost. A God who stepped out of His rightful place and onto the earth just so He could tell us "I've been there! I've walked in your shoes. I know how you feel."

Tonight as I ponder the God who loved me enough to go to the cross for me, I am without words. Thank you feels so small and I love you feels so over used. So, I come to Him in silence....with a song on my heart........

And once again I look upon the cross where You died

I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside

Once again I thank You

Once again I pour out my life.

Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross, my Friend

Baby, You Can Drive My Car......

I woke up this morning to the sound of someone running down the stairs and I knew what was coming as I said "Good morning". Today is the day he had been eagerly anticipating since September 8th, 2009 and it is the day that I had been dreading since March 22, 1993. "Good morning" I heard him reply, followed quickly by "I'm gonna hop in the shower, then can we go get my license???" I smiled while replying--"I knew you were going to ask me that!"

My little boy got his license today! As we stood in line at the DMV the magnitude of it began to really hit me--my son is driving, my youngest will get her drivers permit next year, and my eldest is graduating this year. I could feel the tears begin to sting my eyes. I'm not a 'cryer' and the DMV wasn't going to be the place I started. I inhaled deeply and tilted my head back to keep the tears from falling. We finished 'business' and walked outside--and I watched my little boy drive off--without me.

Another milestone passed and one less to anticipate. Time is moving so quickly and I feel the urgency to pass on every little bit of knowledge--every nook and cranny of wisdom to these children God has entrusted to me. Yet, I feel Him whispering to me every day "Let go". Oh how I long to hold on and never let go.

Congratulations Buddy! I'm so proud of you! Please watch your speed, watch for deer, don't pick up hitchhikers, don't keep the stereo too loud, NO drifting, and always remember--your mommy loves you so much!

Buying the Lie

I stink at science! Plain and simple--it has always been the proverbial thorn in my side. In high school I flunked it 3 times (Yes. 3.). I just didn't 'get it' and even if I could 'get it' the bigger question was always--why would I want it? I knew myself well enough to know that I would never have a job that required me to know science and the knowledge of how useless it would be to me in the future translated in my teenage mind to "Science is hard! I can't do it! Science is stupid!"

When my advisor at Crown sent me the list of classes for the Spring semester and I saw that Biology was listed panic immediately set in. However, I had done so well in my previous classes that I thought, possibly, I may be overreacting. As the class started and I began to survey the work I realized that I was absolutely right--"Science is hard! I can't do it! Science is stupid!" All the old feelings and fears came flooding back. By the end of the 2nd week of the class I was sure I would have a nervous breakdown. Then He spoke to me........

As I prayed to the Lord He brought to my attention the fact that I had bought into a lie the devil had sold me long ago. While science is definitely tough, it is not stupid and I can do it! I didn't do well in high school because I didn't care to do well. I was busy hanging out with my friends and partying. I never paid attention in class and rarely did my homework, but I am no longer that person; I am a new creation. I began to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ--to Truth! Amazingly enough....the next week was much smoother. The work wasn't any easier, as a matter of fact--it may have been harder, but my outlook was different. I knew that through Christ I could accomplish what He had called me to do. I am going to college because He has called me to this place and He will equip me with all I need.

This week has been extremely hard and I have felt those lies creeping in again. My old attitude is rearing its ugly head and science is beginning to feel 'stupid', but tonight, once again, God reminded me that going back to school has never been about the degree--it's about the journey. It is about me remaining teachable and allowing the Teacher to do His thing. It's about uncovering lies from ages past and breaking free to the truth of my future.

Thank You Lord for the gentle reminders You give me when I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I'm still struggling, but I know You are there....being my Champion. Cheering me on in the race. Thank You for loving me!