Providence.....

At 6:18am I received a text message from a friend letting me know that her daughter had passed away at 5:20am. It was a text I had been expecting and dreading since she had called me 6 months prior to inform me that S. had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it was terminal.

I prayed for S. daily. Though I had never laid eyes on her, I prayed fervently. I prayed for physical healing and I prayed it would occur here--in this world. I wanted the doctors and those who were in charge of her care to witness a miracle so big that they would be in complete awe of God and unable to give credit to anyone other than the Lord Almighty. I wanted her to live! Instead--God allowed me to witness a miracle that will forever change my life and reminded me what living really is.

Because of privacy and names, I do not feel as though I can lay out the entire story here, in public. But, what I can say is this.....

2 weeks ago nobody was sure about S's salvation and this morning--Jesus welcomed her home. God used a series of Divine appointments and true Providential orchestration to reconcile His daughter back to Him.

6 months ago S. had only a month or so to live, but she continued to take one breath after another. She stood at death's doorway more times than her family would care to recall--only to be completely lucid the next day. Nobody understood why--until 3 days ago.

3 days ago S. encountered the messenger God sent to her. A daughter of Christ unafraid to share the Gospel with a dying woman she hardly knew. A woman who understood the desperate need for S. to turn her life over to Christ. A woman who had left just a few days earlier weeping for S's lost soul. A woman who led S. in the sinners prayer and placed S's hand in Jesus'.

S. may have passed from this world on Saturday, September 3rd, but truly she died 3 days earlier when she became dead to her sins and asked Christ into her heart. 3 days later, God raised her from the cancer-ridden body that held her captive in this world and crowned her with "love and tender mercies."

There were several times in the past month when I cried out to God in frustration because He had not healed S. and this morning, while I prayed for S's family, I felt the sting of tears brim my eyes as God gently reminded me that S. was truly healed. He had answered my prayer just as I had asked--just not in the way I had asked. Praise God! Once again I was left with what I already know and often forget--His ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than mine.

I am looking forward to meeting S. face to face someday as we stand before the Throne of Grace.

"For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone,

declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!"

Ezekiel 18:32

"He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies."

Psalm 103:4

Doesn't Matter How Far They Are.....

Friday, August 12th Samantha turned 20 years old. Monday, August 15th she moved out of our home and into her new place. And.....my heart was not quite ready.

I had not allowed myself to really think about Samantha leaving home. I knew it would be hard and it would be an adjustment, but I also knew it was part of the growing up process and I was fairly certain I was prepared for it. Quite frankly, there had been many days over the past year when I was looking forward to the day she would get her own place. Not because I was anxious to have her out of the house, but because she seemed unhappy living at home and I knew she wanted to spread her wings. I remembered being her age and wanting the same thing. Even though I loved my parents and got along with them very well, I couldn't wait to be out on my own. I knew Sam was feeling that same itch and the only way it would get scratched was to leave.

As the weeks leading up to her move began to shorten I could feel myself kicking and screaming within. Sam and Josh are both graduated, Sam is getting ready to move, Josh will be joining the Marines and Jordan is starting high school. How did we get here, God? Is there any way I can have a re-do? I think I can do better. I can be a better parent. I will spend all of my time with them and not take any of it for granted. If only I had known time would go this fast I wouldn't have wasted so much of it. Please God....please......

While our God is a God of 2nd chances, there would not be the one I had requested; Monday came and my little girl went. As I drove alone with her stuff in the back of my car the realization swept over me--our relationship would never be the same again. It might be stronger, it might be weaker, but it would never be the same.

Jo and I stayed with her and helped her unpack and then we just sat and talked for a bit. The truth was--I didn't want to leave. Finally, I knew it was time to go and told Sam that we needed to leave. She responded by saying "You're just going to leave me here?" and I smiled and said "Well, yes. This is your new home." She sighed a bit and I could tell it was just as hard on her as it was on me. We walked outside and stalled with a little small talk--then I gave her a hug and the tears began to fill my eyes. As we pulled away I could see that she was crying as well and it took everything I had to drive away.

Shortly after I got home Sam sent me a text that said "I miss you already!" I knew how she felt. As I looked around the house there were reminders of her everywhere. While she hadn't lived in this house all of her life, she spent the majority of it here. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite pictures of her was taken when my parents bought this house and Sam came with them. She was about 3 years old. Since that time these walls have seen her celebrate approximately 14 birthdays, have several sleepovers, accept Christ, prepare for 2 proms, nurse her heart when it's been broken, graduate from high school, and grow into a beautiful young woman.

I miss her. But, I know she is where she is supposed to be. I am proud of her beyond words and cannot wait to see what God does in her life. She is only 20 minutes away and will be home every Saturday, but to my heart--it may as well be around the world. Of course, God likes to keep things in perspective for me.

After dropping Sam off a friend of mine, Sue, sent me a text wondering why we don't have Bible study on Friday. I told her it was Sammie's birthday party and when she responded she misspelled Sammie's name. So, I poked fun at her by sending the same misspelled name back. Sue apologized and said she had been in kind of a fog lately. She said she had Skyped with her daughter that morning and that she was really missing her--her daughter is working in a Christian school in Indonesia for 2 years.

I was immediately reminded of how fortunate I am and told Sue that I could not imagine what she was going through since I was shedding tears just leaving Sam 20 minutes away. I expected her to say "Yep! Be fortunate that your daughter is here and not around the world! At least you get to still see her!" But she didn't. Instead, she showed grace and compassion and sent me these wise words....

"But when they don't come home at night, doesn't matter how far they are."

So true my friend!

Lord, thank You for my beautiful Samantha. I love her more than words can express. Please watch over her and comfort her as I know this is harder on her than it is me. Also, thank You for keeping things in perspective. I am thankful that Sam is not far from home right now. I just don't think I could handle that...yet. Neither could she. Of course, You already knew that, didn't you?! You really are so good, Lord. I also thank You for the friends You have place in my life. You always know which one to use at just the right time. I pray that someday I would be a blessing to them as they are to me. I love You, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.....

Your Blood Speaks a Better Word.....

I have so many things to record that I am not sure where to start. Abraham was right for stopping in his tracks and building an alter right then and there when he wanted to remember how far God had brought him. Yet, many times when I have sat down to write...the words simply weren't there. How can I put into words what God is doing?

The restoration between Amber and myself, and the fact that He used a baby to bring it about, fills me with such awe and wonder that I can scarcely understand it. He allowed the two of us so many intimate moments while we were at the hospital that now our relationship feels as though we were never apart. The cracks in our relationship that were once wide and gaping are no longer visible to the naked eye. Instead those cracks have been sealed with grace and love and bonded by an infant who has stolen our hearts.

When I look into Amber and Brenden's faces I often forget that there is no blood that holds us together. Instead, we are bound by our hearts and the Holy Spirit. She doesn't have my eyes and he doesn't have my smile. Yet, God has been gracious to allow such a strong resemblance that that those who do not know us well believe we are related by blood. And, truthfully we are. We are related by a blood stronger than that which runs through our veins. We are bound by the blood of Christ....a blood that runs deeper, wider, higher and longer than any blood found in our mortal bodies.

God used a baby to restore my family, but why that surprises me I do not know. Long before He restored my family He used a Baby to restore His. A Baby born to parents He did not share blood with, but He shed blood for. A Baby who stole the hearts of many....including my own.

Thank You, Lord.....

Dear Eddie....

Do you know that her best friend is Victoria? Vic is one of the very few people that she opens up to completely.

Do you know that kids flock to her? Not just kids she knows, but all kids, random kids in grocery stores.

Do you know that she wants to work with kids? No. Not teaching. She wants to be a children's pastor.

Do you know she is afraid to tell you that because she is afraid you will make fun of her or make her feel as though she is a disappointment?

Do you know that every time she looks at a picture from her 8th birthday she points out the fact that you told her she looked "pregnant" in that dress?

Do you know that your daughter feels like she is second, sometimes third and fourth, in your life?

Do you know that she has cried herself to sleep after getting off the phone with you?

Do you know that she believes that you feel as though she is a "mistake"?

Do you know that her favorite color is purple?

Do you know that she has a great sense of humor?

Do you know that all she has ever tried to do is please you? Even if it meant not being herself!

Do you know that she will spend the rest of her life trying to undo the damage you have done?

Do you know that he is excelling in C.A.P.? He has promoted every 8 weeks and that is very rarely done!

Do you know that he is a hard worker and comes in whenever they call him?

Do you know that he is completely in love with his new nephew and totally spoils him?

Do you know that he loves kids and will be an incredible daddy someday?

Do you know that he has an awesome sense of humor?

Do you know that he loves playing online video games and would love to play with you?

Do you know that choosing to stay with me was one of the hardest decisions he has made?

Do you know that he almost chose to go to USC just because you wanted him to and he wanted to make you happy?

Do you know that when you told him he was no longer your son that it broke his heart?

Do you know that he hates it when you treat him like he is the favorite child?

Do you know that neither one of your kids ever wanted money from you? They simply wanted their dad to love them and be proud of them. Do you know that neither one of them feels that from you?

These are the things that I want to say to you, but can't. It is no longer my place. Our children are adults and this is their battle. The sad thing is....if you were to read this list you wouldn't feel bad, apologize to them or try to change. Instead, you would allow it to be an excuse to cut them out of your life for good. And, I will not give you that excuse!

Lord, You know my heart--and it is hurting for my kiddos. I am thankful that they have a Father in Heaven who loves them no matter what. Every child deserves that kind of unconditional love. Please help Eddie to grow up and be the parent that You have called him to be. And, help me, too. I certainly have made my own share of mistakes. It is only because of You that I am the parent I am today...and I still have lots of work. I pray Eddie finds You, Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ....I pray. Amen....

May 22, 2011

Welcome to the world......

Brenden Hal Rodgers

Born at 7:27pm

5lbs 11oz

19.8 in

After being born at 34 weeks, this sweet little guy spent a week in the N.I.C.U. at the Nebraska Medical Center. He was expected to be there for at least a month, but God had other plans!

So many intimate moments to share......soon!

May 14th, 2011

It was harder than I anticipated. The culmination of 18 years welled up in my eyes as I watched the PowerPoint share the story of my baby boy becoming a man. And, once again I wondered....where has the time gone?

I glanced over at him throughout the ceremony. His chiseled face and tall stature scarcely resembled the little boy I once held in my arms. But every now and then he would smile and I would catch a glimpse of that sweet, baby boy--and I would feel the sting of tears once more.

I knew this graduation would be harder. Not because I love Josh any more than I love Samantha, but because I understand that my time with this child is limited. I know that within a year my little boy will no longer be mine to hold, but will belong to the United States Marine Corps--and in this world, in this time of war, I understand that every moment is precious. However....I also understand that this boy was never truly mine. He was, is, and will always belong to God and it is into His hands alone that I will release him.

My prayer for you, my son, is that you will fall in love with Jesus Christ the way He loves you. I pray that you will know and understand, to the best of a human beings knowledge, the depth and breadth of His love. I pray that you truly believe "The task ahead of you is never greater than the Power behind you." I pray that regardless of where you go, or what you do, you understand that God is always with you and that even when you drift far from Him...He is always waiting for you to return. I pray that despite being in the Marines and having a chain of command to report to, that you understand your true Commanding Officer is Jesus Christ...and that you report to HIM daily.

Finally, it is my prayer that you know that I love you more than words could ever express. Raising you has been an honor and a privilege and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world.

Lord, thank You for this boy! I pray that I have raised him in a way that has honored You...even though I know there were plenty of times my attitude, heart and mouth did nothing of the sort. I pray that no matter which roads he travels he will ultimately travel the road that leads back to You! Please watch over him and protect him, Lord. In the name of Jesus...Amen

Not-So-Little Man

On March 22nd my little man turned 18 years old! As I reflected on the day of his birth I remembered just how badly I wanted a son. I already had Samantha and I longed for a little boy. The doctors were pretty sure I was going to have a boy, but wouldn't give me a 100% guarantee. Still, I knew.

The labor and delivery were pretty rough, but when I saw Josh for the first time I was completely in love. I remember fearing that I wouldn't be able to love him the way I loved Samantha. I already loved her so much that I just couldn't imagine loving another child. However, his chubby cheeks and turned up nose melted my heart and I knew this boy was going to hold my heart in his hands. And, he still does.

He has grown into an amazing young man with a perfect balance of book knowledge and street smarts. His sense of humor can send me into hysterical laughter at the most inopportune times and, my one of my favorite things about him--he can be a bit O.C.D. While I am not always proud of my own O.C.D. tendencies, I love seeing myself in him. A reminder that no matter where we are--there is always a piece of me with him and vice versa.

We have walked some tough roads together and we have walked some tough roads apart. I have cried out to God on this child's behalf more times than I can count. Yet, we have a God ordained bond that binds us regardless of distance--physically or emotionally. I praise God for that bond every day as I am painfully aware that it is only by His grace that it exists. Paths that were taken could have created a gap so wide that it could have never been bridged.

My son is now a not-so-little man. He is graduating in a few weeks and will join the Marines shortly after. I will continue to cry out to God on this child's behalf more times than I can count as I learn to let him go and watch him navigate this life without me by his side.

Josh-

I love you more than you know. Someday, when you have children of your own, you will understand the depth of my love for you. It has been my honor and privilege to be your mommy and I am so thankful God chose me for you. I pray that you will love God with everything you have and allow Him to shape you to look more like Him every day. Nothing you will ever do in all of your life will ever be as important as following God. I love you Buddy!

Lord-

Thank you for my son. He has brought me great joy and great heartache throughout the years--and I wouldn't trade a moment. Thank you for the bond you have given us and for watching over him. I know he is safe because of You and You alone! Please continue to protect him in every way and grow him to be a strong spiritual leader for his own family someday. I love You, Lord. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray.....Amen.