Life Changes....Even When it Doesn't

My dad has cancer.

We are fortunate. It is contained to his prostate and his prostate can be removed. More than likely, his life will go back to normal in just a couple of months. However, even with a good prognosis, life changes. Things are never the same after finding out someone you love has cancer. At least, I hope not.

Life is so short and time goes so fast. It is easy to take for granted the ones we love. Yet, in the blink of an eye they can be gone. Whether it is a child leaving the nest or something more earthly permanent--they can be gone. I was reminded of that when I found out about my dad.

This is the second time God has allowed my dad some extra time on this earth. I don't know what His reason's are, but I am not complaining. So, today I am going to love a little better than yesterday. And tomorrow, I want to love a little better than today.

Life changes....even when it doesn't. Or perhaps, more accurately--life changes us.....even when it doesn't look much different on the outside. Either way--I am thankful for all that God teaches me and I rejoice in the hard times knowing that God is refining me through the fire.

Life Changes.

After today......

Life will never be the same.

Whether it is good or bad......

It will never be the same.

February 16th....

The day my son enlisted in the United States Marine Corps.

The recruiter called the week prior to let us know that all of his paperwork had been processed and he had been completely cleared to join. I was immediately excited, as Josh had been waiting so long for this, but then suddenly a feeling came over me that I could not explain. I felt tears begin to well up and I had a hard time swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat.

It's real, isn't it?! For the past year we have waited for that phone call, but when it came--I wasn't prepared. I thought I was. I don't know how many times over the past year that I sarcastically asked "When is that recruiter going to call?" while expressing frustration over something Josh was doing--or more likely--something Josh wasn't doing (i.e.: taking out the trash, doing his laundry, etc.).

It's time for him to leave the nest. He needs to begin his life. God has a plan for him and it is not to live with his mom the rest of his life. But, for the next 6 months, while my baby boy is still under my roof, I am going to enjoy every moment with him--because I am very aware of how precious this time is.

Lord, if you could slow down the time a bit--I would really appreciate it. Help me to remember, especially when I am feeling frustrated, that I can never get this time back. In the name of Jesus I pray.....

Heart Stuff.

The other night at Bible study we were watching a Joyce Meyer DVD and something she said struck me...

"We all think we are a little more ready than we are."

I think back to when I started college. I went back to school because I felt called to youth ministry and knew I needed a degree. However, I really looked at the classes as a formality. I knew I was ready for the job--I just needed the paperwork to back me up. 3 years later--I am coming to realize that I was not even close to ready to lead a youth ministry. Am I closer now? Yes. Am I ready? No.

I know that college is really about the journey not the degree, but I am truly amazed at what God has been teaching me over the past few years. Not 'college' stuff, but heart stuff. He is teaching me to:

Stay connected to Him

Be in His Word faithfully

Listen

Be honest about who I am and what I am capable of

Love others (especially those who are hard to love)

Forgive

Believe the best about people

Be genuinely happy for others

Be relational versus relating

Serve

Be Sanctified

Believe in miracles

Know the difference between having faith and believing

Be still and wait

And, perhaps most importantly......

He is teaching me to be teachable. I am learning to say "I don't know" and I am learning that, well, ..........I have a lot to learn.

Thank You Lord for being my Teacher and Counselor. The degree I will receive in a couple of years will never accurately describe the true Knowledge that I am receiving. Thank You for closing some doors and preparing me to be the woman You need me to be in order to truly serve You.

Providence.....

At 6:18am I received a text message from a friend letting me know that her daughter had passed away at 5:20am. It was a text I had been expecting and dreading since she had called me 6 months prior to inform me that S. had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it was terminal.

I prayed for S. daily. Though I had never laid eyes on her, I prayed fervently. I prayed for physical healing and I prayed it would occur here--in this world. I wanted the doctors and those who were in charge of her care to witness a miracle so big that they would be in complete awe of God and unable to give credit to anyone other than the Lord Almighty. I wanted her to live! Instead--God allowed me to witness a miracle that will forever change my life and reminded me what living really is.

Because of privacy and names, I do not feel as though I can lay out the entire story here, in public. But, what I can say is this.....

2 weeks ago nobody was sure about S's salvation and this morning--Jesus welcomed her home. God used a series of Divine appointments and true Providential orchestration to reconcile His daughter back to Him.

6 months ago S. had only a month or so to live, but she continued to take one breath after another. She stood at death's doorway more times than her family would care to recall--only to be completely lucid the next day. Nobody understood why--until 3 days ago.

3 days ago S. encountered the messenger God sent to her. A daughter of Christ unafraid to share the Gospel with a dying woman she hardly knew. A woman who understood the desperate need for S. to turn her life over to Christ. A woman who had left just a few days earlier weeping for S's lost soul. A woman who led S. in the sinners prayer and placed S's hand in Jesus'.

S. may have passed from this world on Saturday, September 3rd, but truly she died 3 days earlier when she became dead to her sins and asked Christ into her heart. 3 days later, God raised her from the cancer-ridden body that held her captive in this world and crowned her with "love and tender mercies."

There were several times in the past month when I cried out to God in frustration because He had not healed S. and this morning, while I prayed for S's family, I felt the sting of tears brim my eyes as God gently reminded me that S. was truly healed. He had answered my prayer just as I had asked--just not in the way I had asked. Praise God! Once again I was left with what I already know and often forget--His ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than mine.

I am looking forward to meeting S. face to face someday as we stand before the Throne of Grace.

"For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone,

declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!"

Ezekiel 18:32

"He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies."

Psalm 103:4

Doesn't Matter How Far They Are.....

Friday, August 12th Samantha turned 20 years old. Monday, August 15th she moved out of our home and into her new place. And.....my heart was not quite ready.

I had not allowed myself to really think about Samantha leaving home. I knew it would be hard and it would be an adjustment, but I also knew it was part of the growing up process and I was fairly certain I was prepared for it. Quite frankly, there had been many days over the past year when I was looking forward to the day she would get her own place. Not because I was anxious to have her out of the house, but because she seemed unhappy living at home and I knew she wanted to spread her wings. I remembered being her age and wanting the same thing. Even though I loved my parents and got along with them very well, I couldn't wait to be out on my own. I knew Sam was feeling that same itch and the only way it would get scratched was to leave.

As the weeks leading up to her move began to shorten I could feel myself kicking and screaming within. Sam and Josh are both graduated, Sam is getting ready to move, Josh will be joining the Marines and Jordan is starting high school. How did we get here, God? Is there any way I can have a re-do? I think I can do better. I can be a better parent. I will spend all of my time with them and not take any of it for granted. If only I had known time would go this fast I wouldn't have wasted so much of it. Please God....please......

While our God is a God of 2nd chances, there would not be the one I had requested; Monday came and my little girl went. As I drove alone with her stuff in the back of my car the realization swept over me--our relationship would never be the same again. It might be stronger, it might be weaker, but it would never be the same.

Jo and I stayed with her and helped her unpack and then we just sat and talked for a bit. The truth was--I didn't want to leave. Finally, I knew it was time to go and told Sam that we needed to leave. She responded by saying "You're just going to leave me here?" and I smiled and said "Well, yes. This is your new home." She sighed a bit and I could tell it was just as hard on her as it was on me. We walked outside and stalled with a little small talk--then I gave her a hug and the tears began to fill my eyes. As we pulled away I could see that she was crying as well and it took everything I had to drive away.

Shortly after I got home Sam sent me a text that said "I miss you already!" I knew how she felt. As I looked around the house there were reminders of her everywhere. While she hadn't lived in this house all of her life, she spent the majority of it here. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite pictures of her was taken when my parents bought this house and Sam came with them. She was about 3 years old. Since that time these walls have seen her celebrate approximately 14 birthdays, have several sleepovers, accept Christ, prepare for 2 proms, nurse her heart when it's been broken, graduate from high school, and grow into a beautiful young woman.

I miss her. But, I know she is where she is supposed to be. I am proud of her beyond words and cannot wait to see what God does in her life. She is only 20 minutes away and will be home every Saturday, but to my heart--it may as well be around the world. Of course, God likes to keep things in perspective for me.

After dropping Sam off a friend of mine, Sue, sent me a text wondering why we don't have Bible study on Friday. I told her it was Sammie's birthday party and when she responded she misspelled Sammie's name. So, I poked fun at her by sending the same misspelled name back. Sue apologized and said she had been in kind of a fog lately. She said she had Skyped with her daughter that morning and that she was really missing her--her daughter is working in a Christian school in Indonesia for 2 years.

I was immediately reminded of how fortunate I am and told Sue that I could not imagine what she was going through since I was shedding tears just leaving Sam 20 minutes away. I expected her to say "Yep! Be fortunate that your daughter is here and not around the world! At least you get to still see her!" But she didn't. Instead, she showed grace and compassion and sent me these wise words....

"But when they don't come home at night, doesn't matter how far they are."

So true my friend!

Lord, thank You for my beautiful Samantha. I love her more than words can express. Please watch over her and comfort her as I know this is harder on her than it is me. Also, thank You for keeping things in perspective. I am thankful that Sam is not far from home right now. I just don't think I could handle that...yet. Neither could she. Of course, You already knew that, didn't you?! You really are so good, Lord. I also thank You for the friends You have place in my life. You always know which one to use at just the right time. I pray that someday I would be a blessing to them as they are to me. I love You, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.....

Your Blood Speaks a Better Word.....

I have so many things to record that I am not sure where to start. Abraham was right for stopping in his tracks and building an alter right then and there when he wanted to remember how far God had brought him. Yet, many times when I have sat down to write...the words simply weren't there. How can I put into words what God is doing?

The restoration between Amber and myself, and the fact that He used a baby to bring it about, fills me with such awe and wonder that I can scarcely understand it. He allowed the two of us so many intimate moments while we were at the hospital that now our relationship feels as though we were never apart. The cracks in our relationship that were once wide and gaping are no longer visible to the naked eye. Instead those cracks have been sealed with grace and love and bonded by an infant who has stolen our hearts.

When I look into Amber and Brenden's faces I often forget that there is no blood that holds us together. Instead, we are bound by our hearts and the Holy Spirit. She doesn't have my eyes and he doesn't have my smile. Yet, God has been gracious to allow such a strong resemblance that that those who do not know us well believe we are related by blood. And, truthfully we are. We are related by a blood stronger than that which runs through our veins. We are bound by the blood of Christ....a blood that runs deeper, wider, higher and longer than any blood found in our mortal bodies.

God used a baby to restore my family, but why that surprises me I do not know. Long before He restored my family He used a Baby to restore His. A Baby born to parents He did not share blood with, but He shed blood for. A Baby who stole the hearts of many....including my own.

Thank You, Lord.....