Rest for the Weary

For the past 11 years I have been single. While I have not always viewed that as a blessing, over the last 7 years I have come to understand that my gift of singleness is exactly that--a gift. However, there are definitely times when I miss having an 'earthly' husband.

One day, a few years ago, I was talking with a good friend of mine and she was lamenting about the busyness of her schedule. She had a habit of taking on more than she should--much like me and most of the women I know. Then, she said that her husband had told her that she was not allowed to take on any additional projects and that she needed to cut a few out. My fleshy, rebellious, brought up by the world heart immediately thought, "Ugh! I'm glad I don't have a man to tell me what I can or cannot do!" But, I just smiled and nodded and told her how fortunate she was to have a husband that cared enough to hold her accountable. Fast forward a few years later.....

I have thought of that conversation many times over the last several years. And, as I have grown in my relationship with Jesus and learned to take those worldly, rebellious thoughts captive, I have often found myself wishing I did have a husband to help me keep my schedule in check. Someone to hold me accountable. Someone to tell me, "Hey, we want you at home more. Your family is your first ministry and you need to learn to say "No!". Someone to clear my schedule.

My last class, Public Speaking in Ministry, was extremely challenging for me. Not only do I loathe speaking in public, but I had to actually give a sermon. And, not just a sermon, but a sermon that stuck to the outline the professor gave us. I felt as though I was trying to make a circle fit into a square peg. On top of that, in the middle of the class, I came down with the flu. The week before my sermon was due, I was spending some time with some dear friends. I was lamenting to them about my schedule. Between work, making cakes, homeschooling, and everything else--I had no idea how I was going to get this sermon done. I knew that in order to write it, I was going to have to find some quiet time with God. And, when you live in a house with 7 people--well, quiet time is not so easily found. One of my friends graciously offered me her apartment to come study in, but when was I going to find the time to do that? Remember that husband I was grateful not to have? I needed him. Right now. And, He showed up!

While I am with these precious sisters, I get a text message from the woman I nanny for--her son has the flu and she is staying home with him the next day so she can take him to the doctors. My packed schedule just became a lot more open. But, I knew I still had to pick up the kiddos Samantha nanny's for since Sam had school on Monday's. Then, I receive another text--"You don't have to pick up kids tomorrow. "L" is off." I sat in awe as I realized--my Husband cleared my schedule.

Immediately, I was humbled. I had never gone to Jesus and asked Him to clear my schedule--I went to girlfriends and cried out instead. But, He heard me. He knew I needed that time with Him. And, as always--He provided for me. Proving, yet again, that I may be single, but I am not alone. I may not have a tangible, earthly husband, but I have a Husband. A Husband who gives me rest when I am weary.

Thank You, Jesus. I love You so.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  

                                          -Matthew 11:28-30

Saul to Paul

Every once in awhile God reveals something big. Something that you already knew in your head, but suddenly understand in the deepest recesses of your heart. I call those moments "Saul to Paul" moments--moments when the scales, that you did not even realize were there, fall from your eyes and you see things so clearly that you know you are forever changed. God blessed me with one of those moments as I ended my Theology of Evangelism class.

The Great Commission is one of the first verses I really came to know. When you attend a Christian and Missionary Alliance church, well--you just kind of learn that one, you know?! But, what I did not understand until the other day was that even though I knew the verse, I didn't know the verse.

During week one of my class the professor asked us to rewrite the Great Commission in 12 words or less. No easy feat. How do you rewrite something that the God of the universe has spoke? So, I did my best. I definitely wanted to make sure the words "preach the Gospel" were included in the 12 words. Because, well, they had to be, right?! I mean, that was the entire premise of the Great Commission--to preach the Gospel. Right?!

Fast forward to week five of the class. I have read Becoming a Contagious Christian by Bill Hybels and I have just finished reading The Master Plan of Evangelism by Robert E. Coleman. Both were really great books, but there was something about Coleman's that grabbed me. Which was good because it was the book that I was supposed to write my final paper on.

The last paper. The only paper that stood between me and a seven week break paper. I decided I wasn't going to write it. I needed a break. My classes had been doubled for five weeks and during those already difficult five weeks--I found out my dad has prostate cancer. Yep. I needed a break. But, that stubborn, OCD behavior just wouldn't let me rest until I had completed what I started. Well, at least that is what I thought it was. So, I sat down to write that last stinkin paper!

I wrote the book review part and started to answer the questions and the first one hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't a hard question--as a matter of fact, I thought it was a bit too simple to even be a question on the final paper. The question--"Why is making disciples so essential to the completion of the Great Commission?" Ummm...hello! Obvious, right?! Yes. One would think so, but as I got ready to answer it I knew there was something more. Something I was missing. I thought about Coleman's book and looked up Matthew 28:19-20 and there it was:

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations...." 


I could feel the tears sting my eyes as I heard God's voice "You have missed the mark my beloved." My mind ran through week one in my head again and it suddenly dawned on me as the scales began to hit the computer keyboard--the Great Commission has never been about "preaching the Gospel", but it has always been about building relationships. The Great Commission is Jesus saying "Teach others about me by loving them the way I have loved you. Teach them to follow Me and obey Me and to carry on the Father's work as I have done. Then, send them out to do the same."

I cried hard that day. I cried for the time I had wasted by being afraid to "preach" at people. I cried because of how intimate God is with me and how gentle and loving He is when He scolds me. I cried because I never wanted to forget this realization. I don't want to be the man James speaks of who looks in the mirror and forgets his face. I want to remember this revelation--and the way it made me feel. I want to be forever changed because of it.

Lord, how can I thank You for pulling the scales off of my eyes, except to never allow them to form again. Thank You, Lord. Your grace, Your mercy, Your gentleness, Your intimacy overwhelms me to the point of tears. Continue to open my eyes to opportunities to build relationships with non-believers and make me bold in proclaiming Your name to all. Show me how to make disciples based on Jesus' example alone. No gimmicks. No strategic outreaches. Nothing but Jesus and His example. In Your Holy Name I pray...Amen!

Oh...and Lord.....thank You for prompting me to write that paper. When I didn't 'feel' like writing it I should have known You were getting ready to teach me something great! You always use the stuff I am least excited about:)

Life Changes....Even When it Doesn't

My dad has cancer.

We are fortunate. It is contained to his prostate and his prostate can be removed. More than likely, his life will go back to normal in just a couple of months. However, even with a good prognosis, life changes. Things are never the same after finding out someone you love has cancer. At least, I hope not.

Life is so short and time goes so fast. It is easy to take for granted the ones we love. Yet, in the blink of an eye they can be gone. Whether it is a child leaving the nest or something more earthly permanent--they can be gone. I was reminded of that when I found out about my dad.

This is the second time God has allowed my dad some extra time on this earth. I don't know what His reason's are, but I am not complaining. So, today I am going to love a little better than yesterday. And tomorrow, I want to love a little better than today.

Life changes....even when it doesn't. Or perhaps, more accurately--life changes us.....even when it doesn't look much different on the outside. Either way--I am thankful for all that God teaches me and I rejoice in the hard times knowing that God is refining me through the fire.

Life Changes.

After today......

Life will never be the same.

Whether it is good or bad......

It will never be the same.

February 16th....

The day my son enlisted in the United States Marine Corps.

The recruiter called the week prior to let us know that all of his paperwork had been processed and he had been completely cleared to join. I was immediately excited, as Josh had been waiting so long for this, but then suddenly a feeling came over me that I could not explain. I felt tears begin to well up and I had a hard time swallowing the lump that had formed in my throat.

It's real, isn't it?! For the past year we have waited for that phone call, but when it came--I wasn't prepared. I thought I was. I don't know how many times over the past year that I sarcastically asked "When is that recruiter going to call?" while expressing frustration over something Josh was doing--or more likely--something Josh wasn't doing (i.e.: taking out the trash, doing his laundry, etc.).

It's time for him to leave the nest. He needs to begin his life. God has a plan for him and it is not to live with his mom the rest of his life. But, for the next 6 months, while my baby boy is still under my roof, I am going to enjoy every moment with him--because I am very aware of how precious this time is.

Lord, if you could slow down the time a bit--I would really appreciate it. Help me to remember, especially when I am feeling frustrated, that I can never get this time back. In the name of Jesus I pray.....

Heart Stuff.

The other night at Bible study we were watching a Joyce Meyer DVD and something she said struck me...

"We all think we are a little more ready than we are."

I think back to when I started college. I went back to school because I felt called to youth ministry and knew I needed a degree. However, I really looked at the classes as a formality. I knew I was ready for the job--I just needed the paperwork to back me up. 3 years later--I am coming to realize that I was not even close to ready to lead a youth ministry. Am I closer now? Yes. Am I ready? No.

I know that college is really about the journey not the degree, but I am truly amazed at what God has been teaching me over the past few years. Not 'college' stuff, but heart stuff. He is teaching me to:

Stay connected to Him

Be in His Word faithfully

Listen

Be honest about who I am and what I am capable of

Love others (especially those who are hard to love)

Forgive

Believe the best about people

Be genuinely happy for others

Be relational versus relating

Serve

Be Sanctified

Believe in miracles

Know the difference between having faith and believing

Be still and wait

And, perhaps most importantly......

He is teaching me to be teachable. I am learning to say "I don't know" and I am learning that, well, ..........I have a lot to learn.

Thank You Lord for being my Teacher and Counselor. The degree I will receive in a couple of years will never accurately describe the true Knowledge that I am receiving. Thank You for closing some doors and preparing me to be the woman You need me to be in order to truly serve You.

Providence.....

At 6:18am I received a text message from a friend letting me know that her daughter had passed away at 5:20am. It was a text I had been expecting and dreading since she had called me 6 months prior to inform me that S. had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it was terminal.

I prayed for S. daily. Though I had never laid eyes on her, I prayed fervently. I prayed for physical healing and I prayed it would occur here--in this world. I wanted the doctors and those who were in charge of her care to witness a miracle so big that they would be in complete awe of God and unable to give credit to anyone other than the Lord Almighty. I wanted her to live! Instead--God allowed me to witness a miracle that will forever change my life and reminded me what living really is.

Because of privacy and names, I do not feel as though I can lay out the entire story here, in public. But, what I can say is this.....

2 weeks ago nobody was sure about S's salvation and this morning--Jesus welcomed her home. God used a series of Divine appointments and true Providential orchestration to reconcile His daughter back to Him.

6 months ago S. had only a month or so to live, but she continued to take one breath after another. She stood at death's doorway more times than her family would care to recall--only to be completely lucid the next day. Nobody understood why--until 3 days ago.

3 days ago S. encountered the messenger God sent to her. A daughter of Christ unafraid to share the Gospel with a dying woman she hardly knew. A woman who understood the desperate need for S. to turn her life over to Christ. A woman who had left just a few days earlier weeping for S's lost soul. A woman who led S. in the sinners prayer and placed S's hand in Jesus'.

S. may have passed from this world on Saturday, September 3rd, but truly she died 3 days earlier when she became dead to her sins and asked Christ into her heart. 3 days later, God raised her from the cancer-ridden body that held her captive in this world and crowned her with "love and tender mercies."

There were several times in the past month when I cried out to God in frustration because He had not healed S. and this morning, while I prayed for S's family, I felt the sting of tears brim my eyes as God gently reminded me that S. was truly healed. He had answered my prayer just as I had asked--just not in the way I had asked. Praise God! Once again I was left with what I already know and often forget--His ways are not my ways. His ways are higher than mine.

I am looking forward to meeting S. face to face someday as we stand before the Throne of Grace.

"For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone,

declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!"

Ezekiel 18:32

"He redeems me from death
and crowns me with love and tender mercies."

Psalm 103:4