Love Is An Open Door.

Thursday, July 31st

I often wake up with songs in my head and generally...they are worship songs. I love it. I love when my soul wakes up singing praises to the Lord. What a way to start the day. Today, however, I woke up singing a song from Frozen...Love is an open door, with you (with you), with me (with me). What?! While I love this movie and all of the songs....it is just so random. And, it's 3am!

I am up early to take my friends to the airport:

My friends who are not really friends at all, but family. My friends who are my sister and brother and nieces. My friends who are being called to walk upon the water and candidate in Delhi, New York for a Senior Pastor position. My friends who God has been preparing me to let go of...because they are going. Whether it is New York or elsewhere...they are going.

I am introverted by nature and when I met the sweet woman in this picture 8 years ago...there was a giant wall around my heart. I was very broken--especially when it came to relationships with other women. I was used to having only one close friend and keeping everyone else at a very safe distance. I did not open up and share easily....OK, not at all really....and, I remained guarded. She, however, was the polar opposite! She loves people...especially women. And, frankly...that made me want to run from her. But, I didn't. I think mostly because she lives next door and well....she wouldn't let me. And, despite my flaws....she just kept loving me. It took several years, but finally we really connected. I began to open up to her in ways I had never opened up to anyone. I stopped just giving her details about my life and began to share my feelings with her. This was new for me. I trusted her and we built a bond that is unlike any I have had before; a bond of mutual trust, respect, edification, and love. A bond that challenges us both to be better than we were when we met. A bond that continues to grow not in spite of our changes, but because of them.

As I sat on my bed praying for this family, my family, I began to pray for my own heart as well. As I prepare to let them go, I can feel a familiar desire creeping in. A desire to hole up in my house and push people away. Even her. Especially her. It would be so much easier to just build that wall up and lock her out now. I mean really....who wants to see me running down the street chasing the moving truck?! Well, scratch that. A lot of people, I'm sure. The point is...it would just be easier to shut them out now. But, as I prayed about my heart and wanting to build up a wall....these words continued to go through my head....

"Love is an open door! Love is an open door! Love is an open door!"

And, it suddenly hit me....

This silly song that has been running through my head this morning is a gift; a reminder from God...love is an open door. I cannot put up a wall or close a door on this woman because I love her...immensely. Love thaws. Love melts. Love is an open door. Oh, Lord. You even use Frozen!

So, I will continue to love her through this transition...knowing and trusting that God is going to use this to strengthen us both--together and separately. And, I will pray that nobody is filming as I run down the street chasing their moving truck crying like a baby. 

So, I dedicate this song to her. A song written to be a love song between Anna and Hans...but describes the friendship and love between my sister and me. 

Okay, can I just say something crazy?
I love crazy!

All my life has been a series of doors in my face
And then suddenly I bump into you

I was thinking the same thing! 'Cause like 
I've been searching my whole life to find my own place
And maybe it's the party talking or the chocolate fondue

But with you
But with you
I found my place
I see your face
And it's nothing like I've ever known before
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Love is an open door

With you
With you
With you
With you
Love is an open door

I mean it's crazy
What?
We finish each other's—
Sandwiches!
That's what I was gonna say!
I've never met someone
Who thinks so much like me
Jinx! Jinx again!
Our mental synchronization
Can have but one explanation
You and I were just
Meant to be

Say goodbye
Say goodbye
To the pain of the past
We don't have to feel it any more
Love is an open door
Love is an open door
Life can be so much more

With you
With you
With you
With you
Love is an open door

You Call Me Out Upon The Waters...

On June 13, 2014 my sweet girl left home...headed for Santiago, Dominican Republic.

This mama's heart was nervous. As my previous posts can attest...I have had to let go a lot lately. But, this was different. This was out of the country. This was not in the 'Art of Letting Go' booklet I had been perusing.

They had been planning it for about a year. Fundraising. Planning. Talking. Shots. Bible Study. Passport. Yet, somehow it had not quite sunk in that they were leaving the country. Until the Sunday before they left...when our church gathered and prayed for them.

Suddenly, it became very real to me and panic began to set in.

Here's the thing...I trust God. I am all about being open to wherever God leads. But, throughout the entire planning process I had an uneasy feeling. I didn't want her to go. At first, I thought it was about the money. I didn't think we could raise enough money for her to go. But, every time I decided that she just wouldn't be able to go...I would pray and God would show up in amazing ways. At one point, after praying and telling God I didn't think she would be able to go and that if He wanted her to go He was going to have to just bring the money....a woman from church approached me and said "I want her to be able to go on this trip--I'm willing to put in however much she is short to make it happen." Then, she wrote me a substantial check to get her started. This happened just a few hours after my prayer. WHAT?!?! OK, Lord.

So, it wasn't the money. It must have been her leaving the country. But, after the group departed I realized it may not be about that either.

As soon as they departed...I had peace. And, throughout the week she was gone...I had peace. What I came to realize was that the fear and the anxiety I had been feeling was the work of the enemy...and, the knowing that I may never really get my girl back.

God made it clear that this girl was supposed to go. As a matter of fact, God made it clear this entire team was supposed to go. I knew that. So did Satan. The doubt and fear creeping in was no accident and if I had not prayed to God and allowed Him to reveal His desire to me--if I had chosen to just tell her she couldn't go--I would have interfered in His plan for her and this team. I am so thankful that my spiritual gift is faith and I exercise it often.

This girl came back changed.

I just spent the last couple of hours sitting on the porch listening to my girl share her journal and her heart for the people of the Dominican Republic...and all over the world. Here are some of her words....

 "It's just so different. I love it....it was an indescribable feeling. I feel scared of my passion, though!...I love being here! I want to stay so badly. I want to submerse myself in their culture. There is so much more to learn and so little time to do so. I want to travel so much. I want to learn about every single culture in the world. I want to love them and see how they worship God. I want to help them and care for them. This trip has been so comfortable. And, yet, I have been so out of my comfort zone...and yet, still comfortable."

I have always known this girls heart was special. She is quick to forgive. Never holds a grudge. Loves unconditionally. Stands up for the underdog. Seeks out the loners. Puts others before herself. Loves like Jesus.

I think deep in my heart I knew that when she went--she would want to go back. And, she does. She wants to intern with Envision next year for several months. And, this may only be the beginning. I believe God is calling this girl to the mission field. Maybe overseas. Maybe here. But, He is calling. He has been preparing her. And, He has been preparing me.

Lord, I pray you would take this girl wherever you need/want her to go. I pray the fear of her passion would subside and that she would lean into You and let You lead. And, if you could help me to let go...again...that would be great :)

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

Oceans-Hillsong United

The Art of Letting Go.....again.

This has been a year of letting go.

FIRST:

My 'baby' got her drivers license.

THEN:

My sweet boy moved out. Not just out, but out to California. 

And, THEN:

My little girl left the nest and moved an hour away. 

Yes, this has been a year of letting go and it has been bittersweet to say the least. There is an internal kicking and screaming that is nearly constant while I continue to experience His peace that surpasses all understanding. It is an incredible paradox that only a parent understands--if it is possible to understand at all. 

The art of letting go. It is a never ending chapter in the book of our lives. Some pages are harder to read than others, but they are all necessary to get to the final chapter....the happily ever after. 

Thank You, Lord...for my children. For allowing me to be their mom and for walking alongside us as we navigate this new season in our lives. I love You. 

Slow Fade...

Fighting those voices tonight.

You know the ones.

The ones that tell me I'm not good enough. The ones that tell me nobody likes me. You know, the ones that are the loudest and seem to drown out the Voice of Truth.

Ugh! They irritate me. A lot. OK, well, they don't irritate me. I irritate me. The voices are just doing what the voices do--steal, kill, destroy. They are acting in their nature and doing what comes natural. I, however, know better. I know they are lies. I know they have set out to destroy. Yet, I continue to give them power. Yep! I'm irritated with me!

This is where the slow fade begins. The slow fade that Casting Crowns sings such a passionate warning about. The slow fade that causes you to go from feeling like a beautiful, confident, woman of Christ to a horrible mother, daughter, friend, Christian.

 "When black and white have turned to gray. Thoughts invade..." 

So, I am going to the Word for some Truth. I am going to silence these voices with the one only thing that can--God's Word. His Truth. The one only place I can go and see myself clearly. Not through my own eyes. Not through the eyes of the world. Through the eyes of the One who created the world. Through the eyes of the One who had me in mind when He sent His Son to die for me. The One who calls me His. El Roi. The One who sees me. Who really sees me. And, the One who removes the veil from my eyes to see Him in me.

♥

Cakes....

If you would have asked me about cakes 3 years ago--I would have told you that I loved them and Hyvee had one of the best cakes around. 3 years later--Heather and I are making them. WHAT?! I am amazed at how God works. Baking has never been my thing, but He used the spark of creativity in my 'bestie' to ignite a flame in both of us. And, this is the result.....pure yummy-ness!

Hyvee makes cakes??? :) 

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."-Psalm 37:4

Rest for the Weary

For the past 11 years I have been single. While I have not always viewed that as a blessing, over the last 7 years I have come to understand that my gift of singleness is exactly that--a gift. However, there are definitely times when I miss having an 'earthly' husband.

One day, a few years ago, I was talking with a good friend of mine and she was lamenting about the busyness of her schedule. She had a habit of taking on more than she should--much like me and most of the women I know. Then, she said that her husband had told her that she was not allowed to take on any additional projects and that she needed to cut a few out. My fleshy, rebellious, brought up by the world heart immediately thought, "Ugh! I'm glad I don't have a man to tell me what I can or cannot do!" But, I just smiled and nodded and told her how fortunate she was to have a husband that cared enough to hold her accountable. Fast forward a few years later.....

I have thought of that conversation many times over the last several years. And, as I have grown in my relationship with Jesus and learned to take those worldly, rebellious thoughts captive, I have often found myself wishing I did have a husband to help me keep my schedule in check. Someone to hold me accountable. Someone to tell me, "Hey, we want you at home more. Your family is your first ministry and you need to learn to say "No!". Someone to clear my schedule.

My last class, Public Speaking in Ministry, was extremely challenging for me. Not only do I loathe speaking in public, but I had to actually give a sermon. And, not just a sermon, but a sermon that stuck to the outline the professor gave us. I felt as though I was trying to make a circle fit into a square peg. On top of that, in the middle of the class, I came down with the flu. The week before my sermon was due, I was spending some time with some dear friends. I was lamenting to them about my schedule. Between work, making cakes, homeschooling, and everything else--I had no idea how I was going to get this sermon done. I knew that in order to write it, I was going to have to find some quiet time with God. And, when you live in a house with 7 people--well, quiet time is not so easily found. One of my friends graciously offered me her apartment to come study in, but when was I going to find the time to do that? Remember that husband I was grateful not to have? I needed him. Right now. And, He showed up!

While I am with these precious sisters, I get a text message from the woman I nanny for--her son has the flu and she is staying home with him the next day so she can take him to the doctors. My packed schedule just became a lot more open. But, I knew I still had to pick up the kiddos Samantha nanny's for since Sam had school on Monday's. Then, I receive another text--"You don't have to pick up kids tomorrow. "L" is off." I sat in awe as I realized--my Husband cleared my schedule.

Immediately, I was humbled. I had never gone to Jesus and asked Him to clear my schedule--I went to girlfriends and cried out instead. But, He heard me. He knew I needed that time with Him. And, as always--He provided for me. Proving, yet again, that I may be single, but I am not alone. I may not have a tangible, earthly husband, but I have a Husband. A Husband who gives me rest when I am weary.

Thank You, Jesus. I love You so.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."  

                                          -Matthew 11:28-30

Saul to Paul

Every once in awhile God reveals something big. Something that you already knew in your head, but suddenly understand in the deepest recesses of your heart. I call those moments "Saul to Paul" moments--moments when the scales, that you did not even realize were there, fall from your eyes and you see things so clearly that you know you are forever changed. God blessed me with one of those moments as I ended my Theology of Evangelism class.

The Great Commission is one of the first verses I really came to know. When you attend a Christian and Missionary Alliance church, well--you just kind of learn that one, you know?! But, what I did not understand until the other day was that even though I knew the verse, I didn't know the verse.

During week one of my class the professor asked us to rewrite the Great Commission in 12 words or less. No easy feat. How do you rewrite something that the God of the universe has spoke? So, I did my best. I definitely wanted to make sure the words "preach the Gospel" were included in the 12 words. Because, well, they had to be, right?! I mean, that was the entire premise of the Great Commission--to preach the Gospel. Right?!

Fast forward to week five of the class. I have read Becoming a Contagious Christian by Bill Hybels and I have just finished reading The Master Plan of Evangelism by Robert E. Coleman. Both were really great books, but there was something about Coleman's that grabbed me. Which was good because it was the book that I was supposed to write my final paper on.

The last paper. The only paper that stood between me and a seven week break paper. I decided I wasn't going to write it. I needed a break. My classes had been doubled for five weeks and during those already difficult five weeks--I found out my dad has prostate cancer. Yep. I needed a break. But, that stubborn, OCD behavior just wouldn't let me rest until I had completed what I started. Well, at least that is what I thought it was. So, I sat down to write that last stinkin paper!

I wrote the book review part and started to answer the questions and the first one hit me like a ton of bricks. It wasn't a hard question--as a matter of fact, I thought it was a bit too simple to even be a question on the final paper. The question--"Why is making disciples so essential to the completion of the Great Commission?" Ummm...hello! Obvious, right?! Yes. One would think so, but as I got ready to answer it I knew there was something more. Something I was missing. I thought about Coleman's book and looked up Matthew 28:19-20 and there it was:

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations...." 


I could feel the tears sting my eyes as I heard God's voice "You have missed the mark my beloved." My mind ran through week one in my head again and it suddenly dawned on me as the scales began to hit the computer keyboard--the Great Commission has never been about "preaching the Gospel", but it has always been about building relationships. The Great Commission is Jesus saying "Teach others about me by loving them the way I have loved you. Teach them to follow Me and obey Me and to carry on the Father's work as I have done. Then, send them out to do the same."

I cried hard that day. I cried for the time I had wasted by being afraid to "preach" at people. I cried because of how intimate God is with me and how gentle and loving He is when He scolds me. I cried because I never wanted to forget this realization. I don't want to be the man James speaks of who looks in the mirror and forgets his face. I want to remember this revelation--and the way it made me feel. I want to be forever changed because of it.

Lord, how can I thank You for pulling the scales off of my eyes, except to never allow them to form again. Thank You, Lord. Your grace, Your mercy, Your gentleness, Your intimacy overwhelms me to the point of tears. Continue to open my eyes to opportunities to build relationships with non-believers and make me bold in proclaiming Your name to all. Show me how to make disciples based on Jesus' example alone. No gimmicks. No strategic outreaches. Nothing but Jesus and His example. In Your Holy Name I pray...Amen!

Oh...and Lord.....thank You for prompting me to write that paper. When I didn't 'feel' like writing it I should have known You were getting ready to teach me something great! You always use the stuff I am least excited about:)