A Valentine to my First Love

Dear Jesus,

So often I take Your love for me for granted. I become complacent, almost reckless at times, with our relationship and just assume it will continue. I stop coming to You for everything and begin trying to handle things alone. I get involved in the details of my day and forget to sit down with You and share those details. I expect that You know how I am feeling (which, of course, You do) and forget the importance of communication in our relationship. Until one day I realize--You and I haven't really spent any good, quality time together and a distance has begun to creep in.

I have allowed other things to take Your place. Suddenly, I am aware of all those times I heard You asking me to come sit with You for a bit before running out the door or picking up the phone or opening my computer--and it saddens me. I don't deserve Your forgiveness, yet I know You 'long to be gracious to me and rise to show me compassion' (Isaiah 30:18).

Thank You for the love You never fail to give and for always being faithful, even when I'm not. I love how You take care of me and the children--providing in ways I could have never imagined. You are more than just a Husband and Father--You are the Lover of my soul.

My First Love.

To My Sissy Who....

Dear Whobeedoodle,

Two days ago you turned 13 years old and I am still trying to reconcile it within my heart and mind. It seems like just a few short years ago I brought you home from the hospital. 13 years has gone by too quickly. 13 is such a hard age. You're not quite a woman, but definitely not a little girl. I guess that is why they call it the 'tween' years.

I know you are trying desperately to stretch your wings because you think you are ready to fly, but I hope you will trust me when I have to clip them.

I know it feels like forever before you will be old enough to make your own decisions, but I hope you will trust me when I tell you--these years go by faster than you think and you need to enjoy the innocence of childhood.

I know you see other kids going to dances and hanging out with their friends, but I hope you understand that I keep you close because-- I understand that what looks like innocent fun will often lead you down roads you never wanted to travel.

I know there are so many things you don't understand and probably won't until your 'baby' is turning 13 years old, but I hope you trust that, next to God, I love you more than anyone. Sometimes that love is going to feel like a 'prison' to you because I will have to say "No!" more than I'm able to say "Yes!". However, just like a flower that is being grown in a greenhouse, you must develop a healthy, strong root system before you can be planted with all of the other flowers. If your root system isn't strong enough, you won't be able to fend off the weeds that want to grow around you and pull you down.

I'm so proud of the young lady you are becoming. Your path is not without some rocks and hills (your temper and self control), but I believe, with the help of God, you are strong enough to break those rocks and climb those hills. You are an amazing girl with an awesome heart for others. I am so anxious to watch God work in you and through you over the next few years. My prayer is that you will be moldable and allow Him to shape you into the woman HE wants you to be.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl :)
Love,
Mom

Oh Samantha!

My daughter, Samantha, works at a local grocery store as a checker. She has the privilege of handling money that comes from, well, some not so great places. There is a lady we both know who often carries money in her bra and various discussions have ensued between us regarding this woman's 'wallet'. It creeps Samantha out and, frankly, I can't blame her!

While watching Criminal Minds at 2am, when we should both be in bed, Samantha randomly turns to me and the following conversation takes place:

Sam: "I have great news!"

Mom: "You do? What is it?"

Sam: "B. H. came through my line tonight--with a wallet!!!!"

Her face was totally serious! Mine, however, was not! I couldn't help but burst out laughing at her randomness, amazing sense of humor, and ability to delight in the little joys of life.

Love you Sammie!

Be Thou My Vision

Last month I went to the eye doctor. My eyes had definitely gotten worse over the past year and since I am pushing 40, I was sure the 'B' word was going to come into play. Yep. That 'B' word......bifocals! However, it was just the opposite. Not only did I not need bifocals, but my vision had improved! How could that be? Things were more out of focus now than they were a year ago. According to my optometrist.....my eyes only seemed worse because the lenses I was viewing the world through were no longer a match to my eyes. Hmmmmm....

Lately, my life has been out of focus. Things have been a little rough and I haven't been able to get my eyes to focus clearly. However, this morning I awoke with a sense of clarity and focus that I haven't had for quite awhile. And God brought to mind my visit at the eye doctor. He reminded me that, once again, I was viewing life through the wrong lenses. I have been looking through my eyes, not His. And, even though my eyes had improved, my vision is far from 20/20.

Today, the world looks different. Everything is a little brighter and clearer and I am thankful for the revelation the Lord has given me. My vision will always be skewed, but through His eyes.....my vision is perfect.

"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light"

Hiding Place.....

When I clean house I am a 'stuffer', which translates to:

I go around the house picking things up and stuffing them into places nobody can see. Closets, drawers, garbage cans, cabinets, baskets, boxes, etc. As long as it is out of sight!

And....it works! People stop to visit and, by all outwardly appearance, my house is clean and tidy with nothing out of place. However, lurking in places not seen by most eyes are mounds of junk that I am content to leave there until that day comes when I open the closet and can't shut the door again. Suddenly, all of my junk is exposed. No amount of stuffing will do....it's just full! Then, I am faced with a choice......clean it out completely or take just enough out to allow me to shut the door once more. Today I am faced with that choice again....only.....it's not about junk.

God has shown me that I clean my soul the way I clean house. I am a 'stuffer'. I stuff all my emotions and feelings into places hidden away from most eyes.....including my own. However, there is no closet, basket, trash can, drawer, or cabinet that can conceal me from Him! And....today, He has flung the closet door open and all my 'junk' is sitting in the open....completely exposed. The biggest part of me wants to slam the door shut and tell Him not to do that again. Only, I know Him and if I tell Him not to do it again.....He won't. And, I will be where I am right now.......which isn't a great place.

So, I have decided to clean house......completely. I will open every cabinet, closet, drawer, basket, nook, and cranny within my soul and offer all my fears, doubts, insecurities, hopes, and dreams to Him--where they should have been all along--and allow Him to be my only Hiding Place.

"You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble and surround me

with songs of deliverance"

- Psalm 32:7

All I Have To Give.

There are times when I can see God's footprints so clearly in my life. Each step begs me to follow and as I step into that giant print He leaves, I am always reminded of just how small I am compared to my God. I am also left in awe as I realize He intentionally leaves those footprints for me to walk in. So, I follow along.....skipping excitedly, on fire, full of passion, and completely humbled in His presence.....praising Him all the way! Then there are times like now. Days when I squint as hard as I can, yet can't seem to find His footprints. Moments when His presence feels so far away and completely unreachable. And all I can do is lay at the foot of the cross--speechless.....praising Him.

Life is a little tough right now. I'm not good with emotions and I have a LOT of them. I'm struggling with forgiveness....not the forgiveness I have been given, but the forgiveness I am called to give...and questioning the call that God has placed on my life. How can I serve Him if I can't do what He commands me to do? Has He really called me to ministry when I am so flawed? It feels futile asking that question when I know the answer. Yet, I ask anyway and am reminded through His Word that He can still use me....just not now.

I resigned as a youth leader today.

I have sat here for the past few minutes reading those words over and over. The sadness overwhelms me, yet so does His peace. My heart praises Him, but my voice is silent as I offer Him the only thing I can.....my everything.

My hurt, my pride, my joy, my stubborness, my tears, my unbelief, my lack of faith, my insecurity, my fear,.............my everything.

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" Isaiah 61:1-3

2010

It's a new year. The end of one decade and the beginning of another. I have thought about this year so many times throughout the past 18 years. I have felt anxiousness and dread at the coming of this year...and every emotion in between. But--it's arrived just the same and faster than I could've imagined. No amount of worry, fret, or dread stopped it. It's here.

This is the year that God will begin to perfect the 'Art of Letting Go'. I will see my eldest child graduate and, possibly, leave for college, my son get his drivers license, and my youngest finally go from the 'tween' years to being an 'official' teenager.

This year is going to be hard on my mommy heart. I'm so glad my heart is in good Hands!