You may recall this post. You know, the one where I was weepy cuz my little girl got her drivers license? Yea. Well, weepy has ended cuz said little girl is determined to ruin my vehicle! Seriously!
Sam, on most days, is an excellent driver. She is careful, watches her speed, doesn't talk on her cell while driving, and seems to have a good grasp of the responsibility that goes along with owning a drivers license. Until................she gets in or around my vehicle.
On Christmas Eve, I decided to drive to my moms so we could bring all of the gifts at one time. My folks only live right behind us, but there was a lot of snow on the ground and a lot of packages. Driving seemed the best option. As I was getting stuff together, Sam asked if she could back my vehicle out of the driveway. I said 'Sure'.
The side of my house runs along an alley that runs between 4 houses. My driveway runs off the alley and is a little tricky getting into sometimes as it is very narrow. Since the alley is a public street, I have to make sure my vehicle is not sticking out too far as to keep other vehicles from coming through. However, on the other side of the vehicle is a drop off into our backyard. There are railroad ties stacked upon each other that serve as a make-shift retaining wall.
I was running around the house trying to get everything together to go to my folks when I heard Sam come in and say she was stuck. Since there was a lot of snow, I assumed she was stuck in the driveway and couldn't get the vehicle backed out. However, as the story progressed, it was becoming more clear. She wasn't stuck in the snow, the vehicle was stuck on the railroad ties. Well, to be more accurate, the railroad tie was under the axle and the tire was 'free floating'. Let me just say that the words tire and free floating shouldn't be used in the same sentence. Ever. Of course I handled this dilemma in the most loving, Christian way...."Sam! How could you do this? Weren't you watching what you were doing?, etc." Yea. Cuz she didn't feel bad enough. I had to do some serious apologizing later!
So, I began calling every place I could think of that might have the capabilities of towing a vehicle. Surprise! Everything is closed at 7pm on Christmas Eve. So, I left a message on the cell phone of a guy who owns a local gas station (thank God for small towns). He called back and said he would be at my house at 9am to get it 'unstuck'. I shuddered as I hung up the phone and began to calculate how much this little 'tow' was going to cost me on Christmas Day. Thankfully, God has blessed me with amazing friends! A good friend of the family came by, with his tractor, on Christmas Day, and within a few minutes had me completely unstuck!
Yesterday, Sam and I drove to church separately because my youngest daughter and I were attending Girls for God after Sunday School. Sam came in the room to let me know she was going to pick up some lunch and then go to Worship Team practice. I was thirsty, so I asked her to bring me back a pop. When she came back into the room to give me my drink, she looked a little pale. I asked her what she was doing and she said "Preparing for my funeral." Of course, I asked why..... to which she replied "I would rather not tell you here." UH-OH!
Seems that as she was backing out of the parking space at church she 'grazed' my vehicle! Is it just me or are you sensing a pattern here between backing out and my vehicle? I went and inspected it and it's a little more than a graze, but I did handle it in a loving, Christian way this time. I am thankful for these minor fender benders and pray they are the worst accidents she ever has. However, if she could give my vehicle a break.......that would be great;)
Monday, January 12, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008.......
It is amazing to me that in 13 hours and 45 mins it is going to be 2009. Another year has passed and what lies ahead is a brand new year. Like a fresh covering of snow unmarred by footprints and snow angels, this new year is pure.
As I look back over 2008 it is easy to focus on the challenges, as there were many for my family. However, the blessings were so much greater. I said goodbye to one of my children, but peace was restored to our family. I lost half of my income, but God has provided in such a way that the loss hasn't really been felt. My son went through some trauma and I couldn't be with him, but God was with him and everything turned out well.
I feel as though I have learned so much this past year. Mainly, I have learned to totally depend on God again. I feel as though God has brought me back to the basics. Learning to completely depend on Him and just being grateful for being His child. I'm in a good place.
2009 will bring it's share of heartache, I'm sure. However, I am also sure that the blessings will far outweigh the heartache. As His child I am secure in the fact that nothing is wasted in God's economy. There are lessons to be learned, memories to be banked, laughter to spare, and blessings to share. I'm excited to see what this year has to offer. I'm eager to see where God leads me and prepared to walk down whatever path He sets in front of me. I am making no resolutions as I believe those are meant to be broken. However, I am making a committment to the Lord.
Thank you Lord for a turbulent year. Although I would have never asked to go through some of things my family has been through, I wouldn't change it for the world. You are such an awesome God and I praise you for the storms!
As I look back over 2008 it is easy to focus on the challenges, as there were many for my family. However, the blessings were so much greater. I said goodbye to one of my children, but peace was restored to our family. I lost half of my income, but God has provided in such a way that the loss hasn't really been felt. My son went through some trauma and I couldn't be with him, but God was with him and everything turned out well.
I feel as though I have learned so much this past year. Mainly, I have learned to totally depend on God again. I feel as though God has brought me back to the basics. Learning to completely depend on Him and just being grateful for being His child. I'm in a good place.
2009 will bring it's share of heartache, I'm sure. However, I am also sure that the blessings will far outweigh the heartache. As His child I am secure in the fact that nothing is wasted in God's economy. There are lessons to be learned, memories to be banked, laughter to spare, and blessings to share. I'm excited to see what this year has to offer. I'm eager to see where God leads me and prepared to walk down whatever path He sets in front of me. I am making no resolutions as I believe those are meant to be broken. However, I am making a committment to the Lord.
Thank you Lord for a turbulent year. Although I would have never asked to go through some of things my family has been through, I wouldn't change it for the world. You are such an awesome God and I praise you for the storms!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Starring Role
He was born over 2000 years ago.
It's easy to become detached to the story.
But that story involves us.
We were there.
In His heart.
We played a role then.
We play a role now.
Which character are you?
Are you the inn keeper who has no room?
Are you a shepherd still waiting for a sign from God?
Are you a religious leader who knows all about God, but has yet to truly know God?
Are you a woman or man who God has asked to do the impossible?
Did you say yes or are you still asking Him.....why me?
It's easy to become detached to the story.
But that story involves us.
We were there.
In His heart.
We played a role then.
We play a role now.
Which character are you?
Are you the inn keeper who has no room?
Are you a shepherd still waiting for a sign from God?
Are you a religious leader who knows all about God, but has yet to truly know God?
Are you a woman or man who God has asked to do the impossible?
Did you say yes or are you still asking Him.....why me?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Light Of The World
He was born in a manger.
Humble beginnings for the King of Kings.
A Savior that was born to die.
His infant eyes had already beheld the Father. His tiny ears had already heard an angels symphony. His chubby, little hands would grow and restore sight to the blind. The newborn Baby that cried in the night would speak truth to the masses, rebuke leaders of the religious law, and cry out to the Father in His final moments.
I admit, sheepishly, that this story has become so familiar to me that I often don't think about it during the year. That is one of the reason's I love Christmas so much. It is always a reminder of the night Love came down and became flesh.
I am in awe of the humble beginnings of our Messiah. Of all the ways God could have chosen to send Jesus..................
Instead He chose a young woman who risked everything to be obedient to Him. A young man who risked everything when he chose to stay with that young woman. He sent His angels to shepherds in a field. It was all about humility. From Jesus' birth to His death. Even the sign He sent to declare the birth of the Messiah was humble.
A star. Shining bright in the night sky. No trumpets. No fanfare. No parting of the seas. Just a bright star announcing a single statement........
The Light of the World is here.
"There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world." John 1:6-9
Humble beginnings for the King of Kings.
A Savior that was born to die.
His infant eyes had already beheld the Father. His tiny ears had already heard an angels symphony. His chubby, little hands would grow and restore sight to the blind. The newborn Baby that cried in the night would speak truth to the masses, rebuke leaders of the religious law, and cry out to the Father in His final moments.
I admit, sheepishly, that this story has become so familiar to me that I often don't think about it during the year. That is one of the reason's I love Christmas so much. It is always a reminder of the night Love came down and became flesh.
I am in awe of the humble beginnings of our Messiah. Of all the ways God could have chosen to send Jesus..................
Instead He chose a young woman who risked everything to be obedient to Him. A young man who risked everything when he chose to stay with that young woman. He sent His angels to shepherds in a field. It was all about humility. From Jesus' birth to His death. Even the sign He sent to declare the birth of the Messiah was humble.
A star. Shining bright in the night sky. No trumpets. No fanfare. No parting of the seas. Just a bright star announcing a single statement........
The Light of the World is here.
"There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world." John 1:6-9
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Breaking Bread. Breaking Bones.
This Thanksgiving I found myself particularly grateful. It has been a rough year for our family, but God has shown us His faithfulness and Love in more ways than I can even begin to tell. I awoke on Thanksgiving Day with a heart full of love and awe for my God.
Around noon I tried calling my son, Joshua, in California to wish him Happy Thanksgiving. I didn't get an answer, so I tried his dad's phone. No answer there either. I figured they had already began their day, so I decided to try them later. About 5 mins later my phone rang. It was Eddie, the kids' dad. He informed me that they were in the process of taking my son to emergency via the ambulance.
Eddie and his friends play football every Thanksgiving. It's their tradition. Josh wanted to be on the opposite team so he could 'take down' his dad. Can't say I blame him. There are days I would like to do that, too. :) Apparently, Josh was running a play and got tackled. Josh's cleat got stuck in the mud, his leg was stuck and when he was hit.....his leg snapped. Eddie knew his leg was broke, but wasn't sure exactly where. I could hear the ambulance and chaos in the background and my heart sank. The miles between us never felt so huge. I hung up and did the only thing I could do.......pray.
Eddie called me from the hospital several times to get info about allergies to medications and other miscellaneous info. All I wanted to do was talk to my son and find out how bad the break was. Eddie finally called with the news. It wasn't good. Josh broke his femur bone and it was not repairable. He would go in for surgery at 7:30am the next morning and the doctors would insert a titanium rod into his leg. My poor boy. I have never wanted to jump in my car and drive to California more than I did at that moment. Unfortunately, I knew it was not feasible. I couldn't afford it. And truthfully.....it's probably better that I wasn't there.
I sat down to eat with my family that evening with a heavy, but grateful heart. Sad because I was so far away when my son needed me the most. Grateful because no matter how bad of a break it was, it was repairable. He wasn't paralyzed. He wasn't dead. Grateful that I did not have to witness my son going through that moment that would've haunted me for the rest of my life. Grateful that our God is so loving that I was able to have peace in moments where there should have been none.
This is how my son spent Thanksgiving:
Without his mom, but with a God who loves Him so much more than I could ever dream of.
Around noon I tried calling my son, Joshua, in California to wish him Happy Thanksgiving. I didn't get an answer, so I tried his dad's phone. No answer there either. I figured they had already began their day, so I decided to try them later. About 5 mins later my phone rang. It was Eddie, the kids' dad. He informed me that they were in the process of taking my son to emergency via the ambulance.
Eddie and his friends play football every Thanksgiving. It's their tradition. Josh wanted to be on the opposite team so he could 'take down' his dad. Can't say I blame him. There are days I would like to do that, too. :) Apparently, Josh was running a play and got tackled. Josh's cleat got stuck in the mud, his leg was stuck and when he was hit.....his leg snapped. Eddie knew his leg was broke, but wasn't sure exactly where. I could hear the ambulance and chaos in the background and my heart sank. The miles between us never felt so huge. I hung up and did the only thing I could do.......pray.
Eddie called me from the hospital several times to get info about allergies to medications and other miscellaneous info. All I wanted to do was talk to my son and find out how bad the break was. Eddie finally called with the news. It wasn't good. Josh broke his femur bone and it was not repairable. He would go in for surgery at 7:30am the next morning and the doctors would insert a titanium rod into his leg. My poor boy. I have never wanted to jump in my car and drive to California more than I did at that moment. Unfortunately, I knew it was not feasible. I couldn't afford it. And truthfully.....it's probably better that I wasn't there.
I sat down to eat with my family that evening with a heavy, but grateful heart. Sad because I was so far away when my son needed me the most. Grateful because no matter how bad of a break it was, it was repairable. He wasn't paralyzed. He wasn't dead. Grateful that I did not have to witness my son going through that moment that would've haunted me for the rest of my life. Grateful that our God is so loving that I was able to have peace in moments where there should have been none.
This is how my son spent Thanksgiving:
Without his mom, but with a God who loves Him so much more than I could ever dream of. Thank you, Jesus!
Friday, November 7, 2008
There Goes My Baby.
At 8am I found myself at the Courthouse, again. 3 days ago I walked through those double doors to say goodbye to my daughter, Amber. Today, I walked through those double doors to say goodbye, in a different way, to my daughter, Sammie. Both days involved tears of letting go.
Sammie got her drivers license today!
I really thought I might get through this morning without tears, but it just didn't happen. As Sam and I prayed together this morning, I struggled to keep my voice steady and my lip from quivering. Darn it! I had intended on being so strong today. However, as I watched her drive away, alone, I could feel my eyes and nose begin to sting. Where has the time gone? How did this day arrive so fast?
It's 9:44am and Sam has already stopped by my office, returned the video's to the movie rental place, gone to the grocery store, and stopped by her work to check her schedule. On most days I am doing good just to get her out of bed, into the shower, and doing her school work by 9:30am. I think she may be a little excited!
And...even though there is a part of me that wishes she would stay a little girl forever, I can't help but be excited for her as she begins another chapter in her life. Next year, she will be graduating and leaving for college. I better spend lots of time in prayer over this next year asking God to prepare my heart for that. I have a feeling.........that's not gonna be pretty:)
Congratulations Sammie!
I love you and I am so, so proud of you.
Be safe.
(And don't forget to watch for deer, look both ways before going through an intersection, make complete stops, watch for pedestrians, don't be in a hurry, don't talk on your cell while driving, and always buckle up! I know. I can't help it. You're still my little girl.)
Sammie got her drivers license today!
I really thought I might get through this morning without tears, but it just didn't happen. As Sam and I prayed together this morning, I struggled to keep my voice steady and my lip from quivering. Darn it! I had intended on being so strong today. However, as I watched her drive away, alone, I could feel my eyes and nose begin to sting. Where has the time gone? How did this day arrive so fast?
It's 9:44am and Sam has already stopped by my office, returned the video's to the movie rental place, gone to the grocery store, and stopped by her work to check her schedule. On most days I am doing good just to get her out of bed, into the shower, and doing her school work by 9:30am. I think she may be a little excited!
And...even though there is a part of me that wishes she would stay a little girl forever, I can't help but be excited for her as she begins another chapter in her life. Next year, she will be graduating and leaving for college. I better spend lots of time in prayer over this next year asking God to prepare my heart for that. I have a feeling.........that's not gonna be pretty:)
Congratulations Sammie!
I love you and I am so, so proud of you.
Be safe.
(And don't forget to watch for deer, look both ways before going through an intersection, make complete stops, watch for pedestrians, don't be in a hurry, don't talk on your cell while driving, and always buckle up! I know. I can't help it. You're still my little girl.)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
November 4th, 2008
I woke up on November 4, 2008 with a desire to bow my head and pray to my Lord. My court appearance with Amber was less than 4 hours away, but my heart wasn't burdened to pray for that, but for the upcoming election. I found this odd. I was obedient to the desire, I believe, God layed on my heart and lifted both candidates in prayer. As I finished praying for the election, I lifted Amber and our court session in prayer and ended, as I always do, with "Your will be done".
As we (my mom, dad, and I) entered the large, double doors of our beautiful courthouse I was at peace. As a matter of fact, I had been at peace all morning. Only once did my heart begin to race as I looked at the time while working and realized that I would be leaving for court in half an hour. It was a brief moment of anxiety that was quickly stilled by the voice of my Savior.
I wasn't sure where to go once we entered the courthouse. Nobody had contacted me since I had been served with papers requesting my presence. I stepped into the Clerk of Court and asked her where I should go. She asked if it was a juvenile hearing or a Magistrate hearing. I told her that I thought it was probably a juvenile hearing. She asked why I was appearing and as the words "to give up rights to my daughter" left my mouth, there was an instant sting in my heart. I could see her face change briefly, I could only imagine what she thought, as she directed me to the 2nd floor.
As we neared the top of the steps I could see the large double doors that lead to the courtroom. We were the only people there. Of course, we were a little early, too. We weren't there long before I could see Amber, her boyfriend, and her mom, Sue, walking up the steps. They got to the top, looked at us, looked away, and stood as far from us as possible. I had smiled at them as they looked at us, but there was no response. I was thankful that my parents were there as I could hear them whispering and laughing. I suddenly felt like the unpopular girl in school who was being made fun of by the 'cool kids'. My parents and I talked, in normal talking voices, about the election, the beauty of our courthouse, and various other topics. I was determined to not play their game, although, the biggest part of me wanted to. That, however, would've been dishonoring to them and unpleasing to God.
The door to the judges chamber opened and a young woman walked past us. She called Amber's name and walked over to her. I could hear her introduce herself as Amber's lawyer. I heard her tell Amber that my lawyer had not shown up and that they may have to postpone the court date. I groaned at the thought of it. I was ready for this to be over. A few minutes later, another woman came out of the judges chamber and introduced herself to me. She would be filling in for my lawyer. She was apologetic for not being familiar with my case and I quickly put her at ease by letting her know that I had never spoken with the other lawyer so she was probably as up to speed as he was. She asked me what was going on and I gave her the condensed version of our story. She said she would have me testify and walked away. I looked over at my mom and she was weeping. My mom is one of the sweetest, most wonderful women I know. She would do anything for anybody. But....if you mess with her family, she is like a mother bear protecting her cubs. She was angry at Amber for all the hurt she had caused and it was too much for her to take. She had to leave.
The door to the courtroom opened and Amber's lawyer asked her to come in. My dad and I sat there not knowing whether we should follow. Shortly, my lawyer summoned us into the courtroom as well. The courtroom was very quiet. We were the only people in there besides the judge, the court reporter, and two spectators. My lawyer motioned for me to sit at the table next to her and across from the county attorney and the C.P.S. worker who had interviewed me about the abuse charges Amber had filed.
The judge asked me to speak first, so I gave her a very brief rundown of the events that lead us to be in front of her. Then the judge gave my lawyer a chance to speak. I couldn't imagine what my lawyer could possibly say. She had only gotten the file a nano-second prior to my testimony. However, she looked through the file the entire time I spoke and when the judge asked her if she had anything she wanted to say she pointed to a section in our adoption home study where Amber, in her own words, had said what a loving family we are and how she couldn't wait to be a part of it. Immediately my mind went back to that time. I remember when Amber was excited to be a part of our family and it hurt to be sitting there only a short two years later.
Then, it was Amber's turn to speak. Her lawyer asked her if she wanted to speak to the judge directly or if she wanted her (the lawyer) to speak on her behalf. Amber chose to let her lawyer speak for her. Amber's lawyer gave Amber's version of events and recommended that Amber be allowed to stay with her biological mom with the stipulation that DHS and CPS would be heavily involved. She also requested a change of venue since Amber doesn't reside in my county anymore.
The judge approved both requests, but was very hesitant. She harshly reprimanded Amber and Sue (Amber's mom) for using the system. The judge realized that Amber had been given a chance to live in a loving home and had thrown it away when she wasn't allowed to do whatever she wanted. She cited Amber's statement to the adoption worker (the one my lawyer had pointed out) as proof that our home wasn't the awful home that Amber was trying to make it out to be and was very concerned that Amber would end up back in court in a few months when she didn't get her way with her mom. I lowered my head as tears filled my eyes. I felt vindicated. Somebody who didn't know Amber and didn't know myself was able to see what she was doing. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A weight I had no idea existed until it was removed. I felt so free.
As I sat in the courtroom this day, there was a part of me that couldn't believe that Amber was getting her way. All of the 'crap' she had put our family through and there she sat getting exactly what she wanted. However, God gently reminded me that although Amber was getting what she 'wanted' she was not getting what was best for her. She is far from Him and moving even further. Then, my heart broke for her again.
The rest of the day was hard. Her picture sits on my desk. A picture of happier times. A time when she was happy to be with us and eager to not walk down the same path as her mom. I thought about the fun times we had as a family and wondered when things went so wrong. My heart misses her and I have to admit, it surprises me. I didn't expect to feel so much. I thought my emotions had been pushed to the limit. See, that's the kind of person I am. I will only put up with so much and when I am done......I'm done! No regrets. No emotion. No looking back. Done. Moving on with the next chapter of my life. That's the way I have been for most of my life. Not this time. This is new territory for me as this is the first relationship I have 'lost' since finding Christ.
I praised God yesterday for how He had orchestrated the day. From my lawyer, 'Joe', not showing up....... to a judge who took time to listen and see the truth and didn't treat us like we were just 'another case' on her docket. I also prayed for Amber and will continue to do so. I pray for my children daily and Amber is still my child. She may not have been born into our family, but God placed her in our family. He also placed her into my heart.....where she will always reside no matter where she lives physically.
I am so thankful for the prayers of all who have prayed for us. What a blessing to know that someone is lowering their head before the Lord and lifting up your name and situation. There aren't words enough to express my gratitude.
As we (my mom, dad, and I) entered the large, double doors of our beautiful courthouse I was at peace. As a matter of fact, I had been at peace all morning. Only once did my heart begin to race as I looked at the time while working and realized that I would be leaving for court in half an hour. It was a brief moment of anxiety that was quickly stilled by the voice of my Savior.
I wasn't sure where to go once we entered the courthouse. Nobody had contacted me since I had been served with papers requesting my presence. I stepped into the Clerk of Court and asked her where I should go. She asked if it was a juvenile hearing or a Magistrate hearing. I told her that I thought it was probably a juvenile hearing. She asked why I was appearing and as the words "to give up rights to my daughter" left my mouth, there was an instant sting in my heart. I could see her face change briefly, I could only imagine what she thought, as she directed me to the 2nd floor.
As we neared the top of the steps I could see the large double doors that lead to the courtroom. We were the only people there. Of course, we were a little early, too. We weren't there long before I could see Amber, her boyfriend, and her mom, Sue, walking up the steps. They got to the top, looked at us, looked away, and stood as far from us as possible. I had smiled at them as they looked at us, but there was no response. I was thankful that my parents were there as I could hear them whispering and laughing. I suddenly felt like the unpopular girl in school who was being made fun of by the 'cool kids'. My parents and I talked, in normal talking voices, about the election, the beauty of our courthouse, and various other topics. I was determined to not play their game, although, the biggest part of me wanted to. That, however, would've been dishonoring to them and unpleasing to God.
The door to the judges chamber opened and a young woman walked past us. She called Amber's name and walked over to her. I could hear her introduce herself as Amber's lawyer. I heard her tell Amber that my lawyer had not shown up and that they may have to postpone the court date. I groaned at the thought of it. I was ready for this to be over. A few minutes later, another woman came out of the judges chamber and introduced herself to me. She would be filling in for my lawyer. She was apologetic for not being familiar with my case and I quickly put her at ease by letting her know that I had never spoken with the other lawyer so she was probably as up to speed as he was. She asked me what was going on and I gave her the condensed version of our story. She said she would have me testify and walked away. I looked over at my mom and she was weeping. My mom is one of the sweetest, most wonderful women I know. She would do anything for anybody. But....if you mess with her family, she is like a mother bear protecting her cubs. She was angry at Amber for all the hurt she had caused and it was too much for her to take. She had to leave.
The door to the courtroom opened and Amber's lawyer asked her to come in. My dad and I sat there not knowing whether we should follow. Shortly, my lawyer summoned us into the courtroom as well. The courtroom was very quiet. We were the only people in there besides the judge, the court reporter, and two spectators. My lawyer motioned for me to sit at the table next to her and across from the county attorney and the C.P.S. worker who had interviewed me about the abuse charges Amber had filed.
The judge asked me to speak first, so I gave her a very brief rundown of the events that lead us to be in front of her. Then the judge gave my lawyer a chance to speak. I couldn't imagine what my lawyer could possibly say. She had only gotten the file a nano-second prior to my testimony. However, she looked through the file the entire time I spoke and when the judge asked her if she had anything she wanted to say she pointed to a section in our adoption home study where Amber, in her own words, had said what a loving family we are and how she couldn't wait to be a part of it. Immediately my mind went back to that time. I remember when Amber was excited to be a part of our family and it hurt to be sitting there only a short two years later.
Then, it was Amber's turn to speak. Her lawyer asked her if she wanted to speak to the judge directly or if she wanted her (the lawyer) to speak on her behalf. Amber chose to let her lawyer speak for her. Amber's lawyer gave Amber's version of events and recommended that Amber be allowed to stay with her biological mom with the stipulation that DHS and CPS would be heavily involved. She also requested a change of venue since Amber doesn't reside in my county anymore.
The judge approved both requests, but was very hesitant. She harshly reprimanded Amber and Sue (Amber's mom) for using the system. The judge realized that Amber had been given a chance to live in a loving home and had thrown it away when she wasn't allowed to do whatever she wanted. She cited Amber's statement to the adoption worker (the one my lawyer had pointed out) as proof that our home wasn't the awful home that Amber was trying to make it out to be and was very concerned that Amber would end up back in court in a few months when she didn't get her way with her mom. I lowered my head as tears filled my eyes. I felt vindicated. Somebody who didn't know Amber and didn't know myself was able to see what she was doing. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A weight I had no idea existed until it was removed. I felt so free.
As I sat in the courtroom this day, there was a part of me that couldn't believe that Amber was getting her way. All of the 'crap' she had put our family through and there she sat getting exactly what she wanted. However, God gently reminded me that although Amber was getting what she 'wanted' she was not getting what was best for her. She is far from Him and moving even further. Then, my heart broke for her again.
The rest of the day was hard. Her picture sits on my desk. A picture of happier times. A time when she was happy to be with us and eager to not walk down the same path as her mom. I thought about the fun times we had as a family and wondered when things went so wrong. My heart misses her and I have to admit, it surprises me. I didn't expect to feel so much. I thought my emotions had been pushed to the limit. See, that's the kind of person I am. I will only put up with so much and when I am done......I'm done! No regrets. No emotion. No looking back. Done. Moving on with the next chapter of my life. That's the way I have been for most of my life. Not this time. This is new territory for me as this is the first relationship I have 'lost' since finding Christ.
I praised God yesterday for how He had orchestrated the day. From my lawyer, 'Joe', not showing up....... to a judge who took time to listen and see the truth and didn't treat us like we were just 'another case' on her docket. I also prayed for Amber and will continue to do so. I pray for my children daily and Amber is still my child. She may not have been born into our family, but God placed her in our family. He also placed her into my heart.....where she will always reside no matter where she lives physically.
I am so thankful for the prayers of all who have prayed for us. What a blessing to know that someone is lowering their head before the Lord and lifting up your name and situation. There aren't words enough to express my gratitude.
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