At 8am I found myself at the Courthouse, again. 3 days ago I walked through those double doors to say goodbye to my daughter, Amber. Today, I walked through those double doors to say goodbye, in a different way, to my daughter, Sammie. Both days involved tears of letting go.
Sammie got her drivers license today!
I really thought I might get through this morning without tears, but it just didn't happen. As Sam and I prayed together this morning, I struggled to keep my voice steady and my lip from quivering. Darn it! I had intended on being so strong today. However, as I watched her drive away, alone, I could feel my eyes and nose begin to sting. Where has the time gone? How did this day arrive so fast?
It's 9:44am and Sam has already stopped by my office, returned the video's to the movie rental place, gone to the grocery store, and stopped by her work to check her schedule. On most days I am doing good just to get her out of bed, into the shower, and doing her school work by 9:30am. I think she may be a little excited!
And...even though there is a part of me that wishes she would stay a little girl forever, I can't help but be excited for her as she begins another chapter in her life. Next year, she will be graduating and leaving for college. I better spend lots of time in prayer over this next year asking God to prepare my heart for that. I have a feeling.........that's not gonna be pretty:)
Congratulations Sammie!
I love you and I am so, so proud of you.
Be safe.
(And don't forget to watch for deer, look both ways before going through an intersection, make complete stops, watch for pedestrians, don't be in a hurry, don't talk on your cell while driving, and always buckle up! I know. I can't help it. You're still my little girl.)
Friday, November 7, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
November 4th, 2008
I woke up on November 4, 2008 with a desire to bow my head and pray to my Lord. My court appearance with Amber was less than 4 hours away, but my heart wasn't burdened to pray for that, but for the upcoming election. I found this odd. I was obedient to the desire, I believe, God layed on my heart and lifted both candidates in prayer. As I finished praying for the election, I lifted Amber and our court session in prayer and ended, as I always do, with "Your will be done".
As we (my mom, dad, and I) entered the large, double doors of our beautiful courthouse I was at peace. As a matter of fact, I had been at peace all morning. Only once did my heart begin to race as I looked at the time while working and realized that I would be leaving for court in half an hour. It was a brief moment of anxiety that was quickly stilled by the voice of my Savior.
I wasn't sure where to go once we entered the courthouse. Nobody had contacted me since I had been served with papers requesting my presence. I stepped into the Clerk of Court and asked her where I should go. She asked if it was a juvenile hearing or a Magistrate hearing. I told her that I thought it was probably a juvenile hearing. She asked why I was appearing and as the words "to give up rights to my daughter" left my mouth, there was an instant sting in my heart. I could see her face change briefly, I could only imagine what she thought, as she directed me to the 2nd floor.
As we neared the top of the steps I could see the large double doors that lead to the courtroom. We were the only people there. Of course, we were a little early, too. We weren't there long before I could see Amber, her boyfriend, and her mom, Sue, walking up the steps. They got to the top, looked at us, looked away, and stood as far from us as possible. I had smiled at them as they looked at us, but there was no response. I was thankful that my parents were there as I could hear them whispering and laughing. I suddenly felt like the unpopular girl in school who was being made fun of by the 'cool kids'. My parents and I talked, in normal talking voices, about the election, the beauty of our courthouse, and various other topics. I was determined to not play their game, although, the biggest part of me wanted to. That, however, would've been dishonoring to them and unpleasing to God.
The door to the judges chamber opened and a young woman walked past us. She called Amber's name and walked over to her. I could hear her introduce herself as Amber's lawyer. I heard her tell Amber that my lawyer had not shown up and that they may have to postpone the court date. I groaned at the thought of it. I was ready for this to be over. A few minutes later, another woman came out of the judges chamber and introduced herself to me. She would be filling in for my lawyer. She was apologetic for not being familiar with my case and I quickly put her at ease by letting her know that I had never spoken with the other lawyer so she was probably as up to speed as he was. She asked me what was going on and I gave her the condensed version of our story. She said she would have me testify and walked away. I looked over at my mom and she was weeping. My mom is one of the sweetest, most wonderful women I know. She would do anything for anybody. But....if you mess with her family, she is like a mother bear protecting her cubs. She was angry at Amber for all the hurt she had caused and it was too much for her to take. She had to leave.
The door to the courtroom opened and Amber's lawyer asked her to come in. My dad and I sat there not knowing whether we should follow. Shortly, my lawyer summoned us into the courtroom as well. The courtroom was very quiet. We were the only people in there besides the judge, the court reporter, and two spectators. My lawyer motioned for me to sit at the table next to her and across from the county attorney and the C.P.S. worker who had interviewed me about the abuse charges Amber had filed.
The judge asked me to speak first, so I gave her a very brief rundown of the events that lead us to be in front of her. Then the judge gave my lawyer a chance to speak. I couldn't imagine what my lawyer could possibly say. She had only gotten the file a nano-second prior to my testimony. However, she looked through the file the entire time I spoke and when the judge asked her if she had anything she wanted to say she pointed to a section in our adoption home study where Amber, in her own words, had said what a loving family we are and how she couldn't wait to be a part of it. Immediately my mind went back to that time. I remember when Amber was excited to be a part of our family and it hurt to be sitting there only a short two years later.
Then, it was Amber's turn to speak. Her lawyer asked her if she wanted to speak to the judge directly or if she wanted her (the lawyer) to speak on her behalf. Amber chose to let her lawyer speak for her. Amber's lawyer gave Amber's version of events and recommended that Amber be allowed to stay with her biological mom with the stipulation that DHS and CPS would be heavily involved. She also requested a change of venue since Amber doesn't reside in my county anymore.
The judge approved both requests, but was very hesitant. She harshly reprimanded Amber and Sue (Amber's mom) for using the system. The judge realized that Amber had been given a chance to live in a loving home and had thrown it away when she wasn't allowed to do whatever she wanted. She cited Amber's statement to the adoption worker (the one my lawyer had pointed out) as proof that our home wasn't the awful home that Amber was trying to make it out to be and was very concerned that Amber would end up back in court in a few months when she didn't get her way with her mom. I lowered my head as tears filled my eyes. I felt vindicated. Somebody who didn't know Amber and didn't know myself was able to see what she was doing. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A weight I had no idea existed until it was removed. I felt so free.
As I sat in the courtroom this day, there was a part of me that couldn't believe that Amber was getting her way. All of the 'crap' she had put our family through and there she sat getting exactly what she wanted. However, God gently reminded me that although Amber was getting what she 'wanted' she was not getting what was best for her. She is far from Him and moving even further. Then, my heart broke for her again.
The rest of the day was hard. Her picture sits on my desk. A picture of happier times. A time when she was happy to be with us and eager to not walk down the same path as her mom. I thought about the fun times we had as a family and wondered when things went so wrong. My heart misses her and I have to admit, it surprises me. I didn't expect to feel so much. I thought my emotions had been pushed to the limit. See, that's the kind of person I am. I will only put up with so much and when I am done......I'm done! No regrets. No emotion. No looking back. Done. Moving on with the next chapter of my life. That's the way I have been for most of my life. Not this time. This is new territory for me as this is the first relationship I have 'lost' since finding Christ.
I praised God yesterday for how He had orchestrated the day. From my lawyer, 'Joe', not showing up....... to a judge who took time to listen and see the truth and didn't treat us like we were just 'another case' on her docket. I also prayed for Amber and will continue to do so. I pray for my children daily and Amber is still my child. She may not have been born into our family, but God placed her in our family. He also placed her into my heart.....where she will always reside no matter where she lives physically.
I am so thankful for the prayers of all who have prayed for us. What a blessing to know that someone is lowering their head before the Lord and lifting up your name and situation. There aren't words enough to express my gratitude.
As we (my mom, dad, and I) entered the large, double doors of our beautiful courthouse I was at peace. As a matter of fact, I had been at peace all morning. Only once did my heart begin to race as I looked at the time while working and realized that I would be leaving for court in half an hour. It was a brief moment of anxiety that was quickly stilled by the voice of my Savior.
I wasn't sure where to go once we entered the courthouse. Nobody had contacted me since I had been served with papers requesting my presence. I stepped into the Clerk of Court and asked her where I should go. She asked if it was a juvenile hearing or a Magistrate hearing. I told her that I thought it was probably a juvenile hearing. She asked why I was appearing and as the words "to give up rights to my daughter" left my mouth, there was an instant sting in my heart. I could see her face change briefly, I could only imagine what she thought, as she directed me to the 2nd floor.
As we neared the top of the steps I could see the large double doors that lead to the courtroom. We were the only people there. Of course, we were a little early, too. We weren't there long before I could see Amber, her boyfriend, and her mom, Sue, walking up the steps. They got to the top, looked at us, looked away, and stood as far from us as possible. I had smiled at them as they looked at us, but there was no response. I was thankful that my parents were there as I could hear them whispering and laughing. I suddenly felt like the unpopular girl in school who was being made fun of by the 'cool kids'. My parents and I talked, in normal talking voices, about the election, the beauty of our courthouse, and various other topics. I was determined to not play their game, although, the biggest part of me wanted to. That, however, would've been dishonoring to them and unpleasing to God.
The door to the judges chamber opened and a young woman walked past us. She called Amber's name and walked over to her. I could hear her introduce herself as Amber's lawyer. I heard her tell Amber that my lawyer had not shown up and that they may have to postpone the court date. I groaned at the thought of it. I was ready for this to be over. A few minutes later, another woman came out of the judges chamber and introduced herself to me. She would be filling in for my lawyer. She was apologetic for not being familiar with my case and I quickly put her at ease by letting her know that I had never spoken with the other lawyer so she was probably as up to speed as he was. She asked me what was going on and I gave her the condensed version of our story. She said she would have me testify and walked away. I looked over at my mom and she was weeping. My mom is one of the sweetest, most wonderful women I know. She would do anything for anybody. But....if you mess with her family, she is like a mother bear protecting her cubs. She was angry at Amber for all the hurt she had caused and it was too much for her to take. She had to leave.
The door to the courtroom opened and Amber's lawyer asked her to come in. My dad and I sat there not knowing whether we should follow. Shortly, my lawyer summoned us into the courtroom as well. The courtroom was very quiet. We were the only people in there besides the judge, the court reporter, and two spectators. My lawyer motioned for me to sit at the table next to her and across from the county attorney and the C.P.S. worker who had interviewed me about the abuse charges Amber had filed.
The judge asked me to speak first, so I gave her a very brief rundown of the events that lead us to be in front of her. Then the judge gave my lawyer a chance to speak. I couldn't imagine what my lawyer could possibly say. She had only gotten the file a nano-second prior to my testimony. However, she looked through the file the entire time I spoke and when the judge asked her if she had anything she wanted to say she pointed to a section in our adoption home study where Amber, in her own words, had said what a loving family we are and how she couldn't wait to be a part of it. Immediately my mind went back to that time. I remember when Amber was excited to be a part of our family and it hurt to be sitting there only a short two years later.
Then, it was Amber's turn to speak. Her lawyer asked her if she wanted to speak to the judge directly or if she wanted her (the lawyer) to speak on her behalf. Amber chose to let her lawyer speak for her. Amber's lawyer gave Amber's version of events and recommended that Amber be allowed to stay with her biological mom with the stipulation that DHS and CPS would be heavily involved. She also requested a change of venue since Amber doesn't reside in my county anymore.
The judge approved both requests, but was very hesitant. She harshly reprimanded Amber and Sue (Amber's mom) for using the system. The judge realized that Amber had been given a chance to live in a loving home and had thrown it away when she wasn't allowed to do whatever she wanted. She cited Amber's statement to the adoption worker (the one my lawyer had pointed out) as proof that our home wasn't the awful home that Amber was trying to make it out to be and was very concerned that Amber would end up back in court in a few months when she didn't get her way with her mom. I lowered my head as tears filled my eyes. I felt vindicated. Somebody who didn't know Amber and didn't know myself was able to see what she was doing. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. A weight I had no idea existed until it was removed. I felt so free.
As I sat in the courtroom this day, there was a part of me that couldn't believe that Amber was getting her way. All of the 'crap' she had put our family through and there she sat getting exactly what she wanted. However, God gently reminded me that although Amber was getting what she 'wanted' she was not getting what was best for her. She is far from Him and moving even further. Then, my heart broke for her again.
The rest of the day was hard. Her picture sits on my desk. A picture of happier times. A time when she was happy to be with us and eager to not walk down the same path as her mom. I thought about the fun times we had as a family and wondered when things went so wrong. My heart misses her and I have to admit, it surprises me. I didn't expect to feel so much. I thought my emotions had been pushed to the limit. See, that's the kind of person I am. I will only put up with so much and when I am done......I'm done! No regrets. No emotion. No looking back. Done. Moving on with the next chapter of my life. That's the way I have been for most of my life. Not this time. This is new territory for me as this is the first relationship I have 'lost' since finding Christ.
I praised God yesterday for how He had orchestrated the day. From my lawyer, 'Joe', not showing up....... to a judge who took time to listen and see the truth and didn't treat us like we were just 'another case' on her docket. I also prayed for Amber and will continue to do so. I pray for my children daily and Amber is still my child. She may not have been born into our family, but God placed her in our family. He also placed her into my heart.....where she will always reside no matter where she lives physically.
I am so thankful for the prayers of all who have prayed for us. What a blessing to know that someone is lowering their head before the Lord and lifting up your name and situation. There aren't words enough to express my gratitude.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Love Never Fails.
This post has been a long time coming. I have started it in my head a million times, but just couldn't put it together. However, this blog is my journal. It is a place for me to express my thoughts and feelings. Something I have a hard time doing. I am one of those people who likes to just put all of the 'icky' things away and sort 'em out with God and God alone. I have a tendency to only blog about things once they have already been dealt with. This method ensures that no raw emotion is spewed all over the page. It also makes, in the end, a very nice, well thought out, post that I can wrap in a little bow and present for the viewing pleasure of those who are nice enough to read my ramblings. This one....not so much. No pretty bow. Not thought out. Just raw emotion. This is hard.
When I chose to adopt Amber I knew that God had called me to do it and I was anxious to do it. I loved her and wanted to provide her a safe, loving, home. I saw things in her. Good things. She was making positive changes everyday. She was growing in her relationship with Christ and our family was adjusting to our newest family member. Things were still hard, but there was hope. We had ups and downs as any family does, but I certainly didn't go into this adoption with rose colored glasses on. I knew that adopting a child at 13 years of age was not going to be an easy road. There would definitely be challenges. But, I also knew that God was in control and He could get us through anything.
Amber's behavior began to get increasingly worse over the next couple of years. She fell away from God and began doing things that she knew were not allowed in our home. She exposed my youngest daughter to things that she should never have seen or heard. My eldest daughter and Amber began to fight constantly, mostly because of how Amber treated me. Physically...Amber was a beautiful 15 year old girl, but mentally she was a 5 year old throwing a 2 year long, continuous temper tantrum.
I work with teens. I knew she just wanted to be loved. She was crying out for attention and willing to go to, just about, any length to get it. She began telling people that I was abusing her. It got her the attention and sympathy she was looking for, I suppose. I found this out when one of her boyfriends refused to look at me. He was a pretty nice kid and we got along pretty good. Then, all of a sudden, he wouldn't even talk to me. After they broke up I found out, from his mom, that she had told him all kinds of awful things about me. No wonder he couldn't stand me. She had made me out to be a monster that abused her and refused to let her go see her dying grandmother (neither were true. She hadn't even asked to see her grandma and her grandma wasn't dying). I also noticed that some of the adults in our church that she had become close to stopped talking to me. Still, I understood that because of her background this is the way she had chosen to get people to 'love' her. I took her to get counseling.
She did well with the counselor. For awhile. I could see some progress and things looked like they might be OK. She seemed to really like him and her behavior had gotten a little better. I don't know what caused it, other than Satan himself, but suddenly she refused to go to counseling. She said it was stupid and that she wouldn't go and I couldn't make her. She was wrong. I could've made her, but what was the point? She had already made it very clear that she liked the person she was and did not want to change. She was lying, manipulating, stealing, and even becoming violent with my youngest daughter. I tried desperately to figure out why anyone would want to live their life like that. For Amber....she felt it worked for her. It was all she had ever known. Her biological mother was the same way. It was 'normal' for Amber and she was convinced that being a manipulative, lying, theif, was who she was instead of what she was. She had bought the lie that Satan had sold her and she was owning it proudly.
I had kept her biological mom at a distance for most of Amber's time with us. I noticed, early on, that Amber's behavior became unbearable after speaking with her mom. However, the bonds of mother and child are strong and her mom found a way to get around me (even after I disconnected our phone and got rid of our internet). As they began to build their relationship, my relationship with Amber began to unravel even faster. She wanted to me to give up my rights to her and allow her to go back to her mom. I partially caved and told her that she could stay with her mom for this school year, but reminded her that I am still her legal mom and that I would be in the picture. Both Amber and her mom thanked me for allowing them the chance to be together again. While I was unsure about the decision, I knew something had to change for the benefit of the rest of my family. The past couple of years with Amber had taken it's toll on us physically and emotionally.
A week into Amber going to live with her mom, I received a phone call from her mom and her boyfriend stating that Amber had run away. They wanted my help. There wasn't much I could do, so I called Amber's cell phone. She answered. We talked for a few minutes and I encouraged her to go to her mom and let her know where she was. Turns out, Amber was throwing a fit because her mom had placed her on restriction. Unfortunately, Amber's way of dealing with things is to run. Although she had never run away from my home physically, she definitely ran away from me emotionally. A couple of weeks later, Amber called me and asked me to emancipate her so she could legally be on her own. In the state of Iowa, emancipation of a minor can only happen if that minor is getting married. Since she wasn't, this wasn't an option. She then asked me to give up my rights as her mother. I told her that I would not do that. I explained to her that I would never give up one of my children...no matter how bad things may get. My exact words were...."I'm not that kind of mom!" I meant it and she knew it. She was not happy.
Approximately a week later, I received a call from CPS (Child Protective Services). Amber had filed child abuse charges against me. I couldn't believe it. I was absolutely wrecked. I was sad, scared, angry, confused, and every emotion you could think of all at the same time. Like a small child throwing a fit because they didn't get their way, this was her last ditch effort at getting out of my home permanently. The worker came to interview me and we talked for about an hour. Amber was claiming that I had punched her in her head and bruised her shoulder.....3 months earlier. The worker was very nice and reassured me that he was pretty sure she didn't have a case since there were no witnesses and no marks that were documented. I told him that I wasn't worried about it because I hadn't done anything. Then, he gave me a choice. I could bring Amber back into my home and attempt to continue to parent this child or I could sign her over to the state. I knew in my heart that this child could never come into our home again.
I signed the paperwork and have been playing the waiting game. Our court date is November 4th. Almost 2 years to the day that Amber's adoption was final. I have no idea if Amber is still with her mom or in a shelter. I am sure I could find out by picking up a phone, but the truth is....I don't want to know.
Everyday seems to be an opportunity for God to teach me something. That is one reason I haven't written about this. I am staying 'still'. I am straining to listen for His voice while rebuking the voice of Satan who spends most of his time telling me that I am a horrible parent, a horrible person, and even worse....a horrible Christian.
I am not angry at Amber. She has learned to do whatever it takes to get what you want....no matter what the cost. I am, however, sad for her. I worry about her future, knowing that her future is no longer (as if it ever was) mine to worry about it. I don't regret the journey I have been on, but I am so very sad at the outcome. I pray for her daily and still consider her my child.
As I picked up my subpoena the other day, I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that would come. To be honest, over the past year, I have really had to pray to God that He would fill my heart with love for her. I knew I didn't like her very much and was afraid that maybe my love for her was gone, too. God answered my prayer. As I signed the court papers I was so overcome with love and emotion that it took my breath away. I hesitated slightly as the last couple of years seem to play like a movie in my head, flashing between scenes of laughter and tears. In the end, I knew I there was no other choice.
The Gospel has been presented to Amber. She knows God and better yet, God knows her. I believe, without a doubt, that His Word is never returned void. She can run from me, she can run from her biological mom, she can even run from herself, but she can't run from Him. Love never fails.
When I chose to adopt Amber I knew that God had called me to do it and I was anxious to do it. I loved her and wanted to provide her a safe, loving, home. I saw things in her. Good things. She was making positive changes everyday. She was growing in her relationship with Christ and our family was adjusting to our newest family member. Things were still hard, but there was hope. We had ups and downs as any family does, but I certainly didn't go into this adoption with rose colored glasses on. I knew that adopting a child at 13 years of age was not going to be an easy road. There would definitely be challenges. But, I also knew that God was in control and He could get us through anything.
Amber's behavior began to get increasingly worse over the next couple of years. She fell away from God and began doing things that she knew were not allowed in our home. She exposed my youngest daughter to things that she should never have seen or heard. My eldest daughter and Amber began to fight constantly, mostly because of how Amber treated me. Physically...Amber was a beautiful 15 year old girl, but mentally she was a 5 year old throwing a 2 year long, continuous temper tantrum.
I work with teens. I knew she just wanted to be loved. She was crying out for attention and willing to go to, just about, any length to get it. She began telling people that I was abusing her. It got her the attention and sympathy she was looking for, I suppose. I found this out when one of her boyfriends refused to look at me. He was a pretty nice kid and we got along pretty good. Then, all of a sudden, he wouldn't even talk to me. After they broke up I found out, from his mom, that she had told him all kinds of awful things about me. No wonder he couldn't stand me. She had made me out to be a monster that abused her and refused to let her go see her dying grandmother (neither were true. She hadn't even asked to see her grandma and her grandma wasn't dying). I also noticed that some of the adults in our church that she had become close to stopped talking to me. Still, I understood that because of her background this is the way she had chosen to get people to 'love' her. I took her to get counseling.
She did well with the counselor. For awhile. I could see some progress and things looked like they might be OK. She seemed to really like him and her behavior had gotten a little better. I don't know what caused it, other than Satan himself, but suddenly she refused to go to counseling. She said it was stupid and that she wouldn't go and I couldn't make her. She was wrong. I could've made her, but what was the point? She had already made it very clear that she liked the person she was and did not want to change. She was lying, manipulating, stealing, and even becoming violent with my youngest daughter. I tried desperately to figure out why anyone would want to live their life like that. For Amber....she felt it worked for her. It was all she had ever known. Her biological mother was the same way. It was 'normal' for Amber and she was convinced that being a manipulative, lying, theif, was who she was instead of what she was. She had bought the lie that Satan had sold her and she was owning it proudly.
I had kept her biological mom at a distance for most of Amber's time with us. I noticed, early on, that Amber's behavior became unbearable after speaking with her mom. However, the bonds of mother and child are strong and her mom found a way to get around me (even after I disconnected our phone and got rid of our internet). As they began to build their relationship, my relationship with Amber began to unravel even faster. She wanted to me to give up my rights to her and allow her to go back to her mom. I partially caved and told her that she could stay with her mom for this school year, but reminded her that I am still her legal mom and that I would be in the picture. Both Amber and her mom thanked me for allowing them the chance to be together again. While I was unsure about the decision, I knew something had to change for the benefit of the rest of my family. The past couple of years with Amber had taken it's toll on us physically and emotionally.
A week into Amber going to live with her mom, I received a phone call from her mom and her boyfriend stating that Amber had run away. They wanted my help. There wasn't much I could do, so I called Amber's cell phone. She answered. We talked for a few minutes and I encouraged her to go to her mom and let her know where she was. Turns out, Amber was throwing a fit because her mom had placed her on restriction. Unfortunately, Amber's way of dealing with things is to run. Although she had never run away from my home physically, she definitely ran away from me emotionally. A couple of weeks later, Amber called me and asked me to emancipate her so she could legally be on her own. In the state of Iowa, emancipation of a minor can only happen if that minor is getting married. Since she wasn't, this wasn't an option. She then asked me to give up my rights as her mother. I told her that I would not do that. I explained to her that I would never give up one of my children...no matter how bad things may get. My exact words were...."I'm not that kind of mom!" I meant it and she knew it. She was not happy.
Approximately a week later, I received a call from CPS (Child Protective Services). Amber had filed child abuse charges against me. I couldn't believe it. I was absolutely wrecked. I was sad, scared, angry, confused, and every emotion you could think of all at the same time. Like a small child throwing a fit because they didn't get their way, this was her last ditch effort at getting out of my home permanently. The worker came to interview me and we talked for about an hour. Amber was claiming that I had punched her in her head and bruised her shoulder.....3 months earlier. The worker was very nice and reassured me that he was pretty sure she didn't have a case since there were no witnesses and no marks that were documented. I told him that I wasn't worried about it because I hadn't done anything. Then, he gave me a choice. I could bring Amber back into my home and attempt to continue to parent this child or I could sign her over to the state. I knew in my heart that this child could never come into our home again.
I signed the paperwork and have been playing the waiting game. Our court date is November 4th. Almost 2 years to the day that Amber's adoption was final. I have no idea if Amber is still with her mom or in a shelter. I am sure I could find out by picking up a phone, but the truth is....I don't want to know.
Everyday seems to be an opportunity for God to teach me something. That is one reason I haven't written about this. I am staying 'still'. I am straining to listen for His voice while rebuking the voice of Satan who spends most of his time telling me that I am a horrible parent, a horrible person, and even worse....a horrible Christian.
I am not angry at Amber. She has learned to do whatever it takes to get what you want....no matter what the cost. I am, however, sad for her. I worry about her future, knowing that her future is no longer (as if it ever was) mine to worry about it. I don't regret the journey I have been on, but I am so very sad at the outcome. I pray for her daily and still consider her my child.
As I picked up my subpoena the other day, I was not prepared for the flood of emotions that would come. To be honest, over the past year, I have really had to pray to God that He would fill my heart with love for her. I knew I didn't like her very much and was afraid that maybe my love for her was gone, too. God answered my prayer. As I signed the court papers I was so overcome with love and emotion that it took my breath away. I hesitated slightly as the last couple of years seem to play like a movie in my head, flashing between scenes of laughter and tears. In the end, I knew I there was no other choice.
The Gospel has been presented to Amber. She knows God and better yet, God knows her. I believe, without a doubt, that His Word is never returned void. She can run from me, she can run from her biological mom, she can even run from herself, but she can't run from Him. Love never fails.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
May Bling?
Jordan, my youngest, was very excited to show me what they have been doing in her youth group. Apparently they have been talking about beauty. Right now, it seems, they are focused on outward beauty. Things that women/girls do to make themselves more beautiful on the outside. Knowing the youth leaders well, I am guessing that this will lead to inner beauty in the near future.
While I was home for lunch today Jordan whipped out a list she wanted me to look at. It was a list of beauty products that are available. The list was quite long! As a matter of fact my eldest daughter, Samantha, and myself were quite surprised at just how many beauty products there are. Jordan's list wasn't even complete as Samantha and I could think of several that weren't on there. However, I was also surprised at how many products I hadn't heard of.
One of the first products listed was May Bling, listed right under Mary Kay. I sat puzzled for just a moment before this little song played through my head:
'Maybe she's born with it....Maybe it's May Bling'
It suddenly dawned on me. It's Maybelline.
Samantha and I couldn't help but laugh. Jordan even chuckled when I explained that it had nothing to do with 'bling'.
I love how God gives us little giggles throughout the day. Special memories to look back on and blog about. How I adore time with my girls.
While I was home for lunch today Jordan whipped out a list she wanted me to look at. It was a list of beauty products that are available. The list was quite long! As a matter of fact my eldest daughter, Samantha, and myself were quite surprised at just how many beauty products there are. Jordan's list wasn't even complete as Samantha and I could think of several that weren't on there. However, I was also surprised at how many products I hadn't heard of.
One of the first products listed was May Bling, listed right under Mary Kay. I sat puzzled for just a moment before this little song played through my head:
'Maybe she's born with it....Maybe it's May Bling'
It suddenly dawned on me. It's Maybelline.
Samantha and I couldn't help but laugh. Jordan even chuckled when I explained that it had nothing to do with 'bling'.
I love how God gives us little giggles throughout the day. Special memories to look back on and blog about. How I adore time with my girls.
Monday, October 13, 2008
After the Aftermath
The night before I wrote the post entitled 'Aftermath', I had a dream. Now, typically my dreams amount to nothing. They are usually very random and I can't remember much about them. However, this dream seemed different.
I was walking along a bridge. It was more of an overpass and maybe I was running, I don't remember. There were a lot of people running on this bridge as there was a flood that was beginning to swallow up everything. The water was getting higher and we were running to safety. As I began to reach the top of the bridge I looked down and saw hundreds of people screaming and crying in the flood water. There were also people who had succumbed to the water and their bodies were floating. I don't remember anything after that, but I know that the water never took me under and that I survived. When I awoke the next morning that dream was heavy on my heart.
As I began to get ready for work, I wondered if God was trying to tell me something. I don't analyze my dreams often, but I felt as though this dream was different. I continued with my morning routine which included, unfortunately, a heated discussion with my youngest daughter. I always hate starting the day with an arguement. It kind of sets the tone for the day, doesn't it? I left the house, upset, went to work and began my day. While on the phone with a client, talking about something totally unrelated, the word aftermath ran in my head as did the scene from my dream. Because I am very impatient I was guessing that God meant the aftermath of my arguement with Jordan. Although I didn't lose my 'cool' so to speak, she was crying and in the past my words have left an aftermath of destruction. Hence the post.
Since that post there have been floods that have tried to pull me under. None of which I am ready to share right now. However, I do believe that dream was related to what was going to happen in my life. I believe God gave me the word Aftermath as a reassurance. To let me know that there was an approaching storm and it was a storm that would pass. That the water would never take me under and that I would survive. A reassurance that He is always my Bridge over troubled water.
I was walking along a bridge. It was more of an overpass and maybe I was running, I don't remember. There were a lot of people running on this bridge as there was a flood that was beginning to swallow up everything. The water was getting higher and we were running to safety. As I began to reach the top of the bridge I looked down and saw hundreds of people screaming and crying in the flood water. There were also people who had succumbed to the water and their bodies were floating. I don't remember anything after that, but I know that the water never took me under and that I survived. When I awoke the next morning that dream was heavy on my heart.
As I began to get ready for work, I wondered if God was trying to tell me something. I don't analyze my dreams often, but I felt as though this dream was different. I continued with my morning routine which included, unfortunately, a heated discussion with my youngest daughter. I always hate starting the day with an arguement. It kind of sets the tone for the day, doesn't it? I left the house, upset, went to work and began my day. While on the phone with a client, talking about something totally unrelated, the word aftermath ran in my head as did the scene from my dream. Because I am very impatient I was guessing that God meant the aftermath of my arguement with Jordan. Although I didn't lose my 'cool' so to speak, she was crying and in the past my words have left an aftermath of destruction. Hence the post.
Since that post there have been floods that have tried to pull me under. None of which I am ready to share right now. However, I do believe that dream was related to what was going to happen in my life. I believe God gave me the word Aftermath as a reassurance. To let me know that there was an approaching storm and it was a storm that would pass. That the water would never take me under and that I would survive. A reassurance that He is always my Bridge over troubled water.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Quick to Judge
I have been astounded at the number of cases in the news about parents leaving their children in the hot car. Sadly, a vast majority of the time, those children succumb to the heat and lose their lives.
While I am ashamed of this, I must admit that I have judged those parents. I couldn't believe anybody could be so irresponsible as a parent. Obviously, that would NEVER happen to me. I am above 'stupid' mistakes. Right?
I was visiting Girlymama's blog today and received a nice, hard, God thump! You know...the one that smacks you right upside the head and knocks you off of the very tall pedestal you have placed yourself upon? Yea. One of those.
If you have ever been prideful enough to judge another parent (or anyone else for that matter) for a mistake you would NEVER make, please stop by her blog and read this post. I guarantee you will see things in a new light. Although God has been trying to teach me this lesson for about, oh, 7 YEARS, it was another reminder to me that God calls us to love......not judge.
Thank you Girlymama for the walk in your shoes. They were a little big, but I hope to fit in them when I'm all grown up:)
While I am ashamed of this, I must admit that I have judged those parents. I couldn't believe anybody could be so irresponsible as a parent. Obviously, that would NEVER happen to me. I am above 'stupid' mistakes. Right?
I was visiting Girlymama's blog today and received a nice, hard, God thump! You know...the one that smacks you right upside the head and knocks you off of the very tall pedestal you have placed yourself upon? Yea. One of those.
If you have ever been prideful enough to judge another parent (or anyone else for that matter) for a mistake you would NEVER make, please stop by her blog and read this post. I guarantee you will see things in a new light. Although God has been trying to teach me this lesson for about, oh, 7 YEARS, it was another reminder to me that God calls us to love......not judge.
Thank you Girlymama for the walk in your shoes. They were a little big, but I hope to fit in them when I'm all grown up:)
Monday, October 6, 2008
My Mothers Hands.
My grandpa had 'old' hands. He was old, but his hands were always older. They were always more wrinkled than the rest of him and the skin on his hands was very thin. A scrape to his hand would cause a large portion of skin to just tear off. His hands were always bruised.
I remember when I was younger I would tease my mom about her hands. She inherited my grandpa's thin, wrinkly skin. I used to stare at her hands for long periods of time and try to smooth them out. Of course, at that time my hands were young and firm. I was so afraid I would inherit them. Last night the subject of her hands came up again. We were with friends and she was explaining why she has large purple bruises on her hands. As I sat looking back and forth between her bruised hand and my hands that were beginning to resemble them, I couldn't help but praise God.
See, those bruised, wrinkled, hands of my moms are the same hands that have hugged me when I have been at my lowest. They have reached up and dried tears from my eyes. They have fixed me lunches and bandaged boo-boo's. They have held all 3 of my children and sewn up their favorite blanket or stuffed animal. They have made halloween costumes and crafts for my house. They have held my hands while giving birth and while going through surgery. They have stroked my hair as I have laid on her lap. They have cleaned my room, done my dishes, and ironed my clothes. The have clapped for me and disciplined me. They have held me up when I couldn't do it myself and they have let go when I needed them to. They have tucked me in, felt my head for fever, and they pray for me.
I no longer dread inheriting my moms hands. As a matter of fact, I pray I do.
Happy birthday mom.
I love you.........
To the moon and back!
I remember when I was younger I would tease my mom about her hands. She inherited my grandpa's thin, wrinkly skin. I used to stare at her hands for long periods of time and try to smooth them out. Of course, at that time my hands were young and firm. I was so afraid I would inherit them. Last night the subject of her hands came up again. We were with friends and she was explaining why she has large purple bruises on her hands. As I sat looking back and forth between her bruised hand and my hands that were beginning to resemble them, I couldn't help but praise God.
See, those bruised, wrinkled, hands of my moms are the same hands that have hugged me when I have been at my lowest. They have reached up and dried tears from my eyes. They have fixed me lunches and bandaged boo-boo's. They have held all 3 of my children and sewn up their favorite blanket or stuffed animal. They have made halloween costumes and crafts for my house. They have held my hands while giving birth and while going through surgery. They have stroked my hair as I have laid on her lap. They have cleaned my room, done my dishes, and ironed my clothes. The have clapped for me and disciplined me. They have held me up when I couldn't do it myself and they have let go when I needed them to. They have tucked me in, felt my head for fever, and they pray for me.
I no longer dread inheriting my moms hands. As a matter of fact, I pray I do.
Happy birthday mom.
I love you.........
To the moon and back!
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