Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Renewing. Part 2

Prior to this vacation my confidence, strength, and passion had dwindled. I was anxious for my bed in the evenings and couldn't imagine getting out of it in the mornings. I was completely burnt out!

My son came home and there was an instant rejuvenation. A piece of me that had been missing was put back into place...completing me. I enjoyed every minute with him. I cherished every smile, every hug, every word, every moment. Then..............he was gone.

The tears flowed harder than I could have imagined. I thought, somehow, it would be easier. I was so wrong. I wasn't able to take him to the airport because I had taken last week off. Probably a good thing. My mommy heart couldn't take it. I found myself at work, looking at the time anxiously. He was still in town. I could run home and keep him from leaving. I don't have to let him go back. He is my son! He belongs with me!

God's voice cut through the deceptive thoughts in my head like a knife. "Yes. He is your son. You can choose to bring him home, but you know he is better where he is."

I know, Lord. I know.

The truth of that statement set me free from the anxiety I was feeling. I steadied myself at my desk and began to do my job. The next time I glanced at the clock, my son was an hour away. There was no way to stop him. He was leaving.

I needed that reminder from God. It is my choice. It is within my power to bring my son home. However, when I made the decision to let Josh live with his dad, I did not make that decision on my own. I spent countless hours praying for God to show me His will. Then, I spent countless hours imitating Gideon. Throwing out my sheepskin over and over again. Hoping, praying, and at times, begging for God to give me a different answer. He didn't. It wasn't about me and God reminded me of that the other day as I sobbed and begged for a different answer again. He renewed my faith in Him once more as I chose to be obedient.

My son is gone.

And I've lost a daughter, too.

More about that later.


Susan said...

You have not lost a sone only, you have only said good bye physically. He is still your son and you can still talk to him and pray for him and remember all the good times you had this summer.You are a great mom and when you feel burnt out please just drop me a note I may not be much help but I could at least pray for you.

The other situation about your daughter I will pray for you to get through whatever God has called you to do.

Sharon said...

Oh what a joy it is when he is home and the heartache of letting him go. Good thing your Dad could take him because I only want to go and pick the kids up when they are coming home. I'm a mess at the airport saying goodbye. Christmas can't come soon enough. I know this never gets easier on you but I know you give it to God and it is the right thing for our Bud. I Love You to the Moon and Back

girlymama said...

that must be so hard for a mama.

Carol - CDCversion said...

My heart is sad for you, Heather. We Moms will always long to have our children with us, even when we know it is best to let them go. I'm so glad you laid out the fleeces, and you can look back and KNOW you did as God directed. Maybe His answer hasn't changed yet, but certainly He is holding you close when it hurts so bad.

And don't look now, but I think I see a grin on God's face...He knows what the future holds, and He is the one holding your future, and your son's. Hang in there today, lean on Him today, and let tomorrows unfold in God's timing!

Robin said...

Hi Heather~

You have great maturity! Thanks for sharing your journey with us... I know who to call when my kids are flying from the nest...

Love Carol's comment to you - its beautiful just like Carol :) and you!