Prior to this vacation my confidence, strength, and passion had dwindled. I was anxious for my bed in the evenings and couldn't imagine getting out of it in the mornings. I was completely burnt out!
My son came home and there was an instant rejuvenation. A piece of me that had been missing was put back into place...completing me. I enjoyed every minute with him. I cherished every smile, every hug, every word, every moment. Then..............he was gone.
The tears flowed harder than I could have imagined. I thought, somehow, it would be easier. I was so wrong. I wasn't able to take him to the airport because I had taken last week off. Probably a good thing. My mommy heart couldn't take it. I found myself at work, looking at the time anxiously. He was still in town. I could run home and keep him from leaving. I don't have to let him go back. He is my son! He belongs with me!
God's voice cut through the deceptive thoughts in my head like a knife. "Yes. He is your son. You can choose to bring him home, but you know he is better where he is."
I know, Lord. I know.
The truth of that statement set me free from the anxiety I was feeling. I steadied myself at my desk and began to do my job. The next time I glanced at the clock, my son was an hour away. There was no way to stop him. He was leaving.
I needed that reminder from God. It is my choice. It is within my power to bring my son home. However, when I made the decision to let Josh live with his dad, I did not make that decision on my own. I spent countless hours praying for God to show me His will. Then, I spent countless hours imitating Gideon. Throwing out my sheepskin over and over again. Hoping, praying, and at times, begging for God to give me a different answer. He didn't. It wasn't about me and God reminded me of that the other day as I sobbed and begged for a different answer again. He renewed my faith in Him once more as I chose to be obedient.
My son is gone.
And I've lost a daughter, too.
More about that later.