Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Renewing. Part 3

When I adopted my daughter, Amber, I knew it was going to be a hard row to hoe. I knew she was coming from a lifetime of deep hurt and deception. I waivered back and forth on whether I should finalize the adoption or not. However, every time I asked God to close a door if it wasn't His will, the door only opened wider. I knew that she was to be part of our family.

The past year has been hard. Harder than I could've possibly fathomed. I wasn't prepared for all that Amber would bring into our home. You can read book after book, go to class after class, but there is no textbook training that can help you deal with a child who simply doesn't want to be helped. Last week, Amber decided she no longer wanted to be a part of our family. I say that Amber made this decision last week, but in reality, Amber made the decision long ago. Last week...I chose to let her go.

Our home is peaceful. It is no longer a battlefield. I can leave my youngest daughter in the house with her sister and not worry about what is being said and done in front of her. The heaviness has been lifted and I can see the peace on my children's faces. I hadn't realized how hard this year has been on them. There is also, on my part, sadness, aching, and longing for what could've been, what was hoped for, and what's been lost. I pray for her daily. She is still my child.

Amber did not go camping with us. She had went to visit her biological mom. She called me while we were at the lake to inform me that she did not want to come home. I wanted to fight it, although, I'm not sure why. Deep down in places I would rather not visit, I knew it was coming and that it was time to let her go. When we got home we made arrangements for her to come get her things. We packed up her room and she came and picked up her belongings. That was that. No scene. No big emotional meltdown. No tears of sadness or joy. No real goodbyes. Just two lives that had intertwined for a moment in time beginning to unravel.

God had prepared us for such a time as this. The week prior had been filled with love, joy, peace, fun, and incredible family bonding moments. None of which included Amber. I knew if Amber had gone camping with us, our time together would have been tense, volatile, and completely stressful because each time I spoke with her a heaviness would come over me. God had given me a glimpse of life as it was and it forced me to realize how much I longed to live that life again. By doing this He gave me the strength to let go.

Amber has been, officially, gone for 4 days now and there is renewed laughter and joy in our home. My confidence in who I am, as a parent and a child of God, has also been renewed. He has whispered in my ear when I have needed to hear His voice. He has renewed my strength and I am soaring on eagles wings.

More about that later.

10 comments:

girlymama said...

seriously. you need to warn us to get tissues before we read your blog today. geez!!!!
more hugs!!

Lori... said...

Like I told you on the phone - the entire situation will be in our prayers daily! I am so glad you and the girls have Peace! I look forward to seeing the testimony that comes from this situation! God takes the bad - and turns it around for His glory!

Tanya said...

I will be praying for you. I am so glad that you listened to God and did what you needed to do for Him. You will be blessed and you may of planted a seed and do not even know it. I love you and I am glad that your family is back to peace and joy. Love ya from Tanya

Carol - CDCversion said...

Boy, these are two heavy duty blog postings, Heather. So glad you gave us your part 1 posting first so we could delight with you in the restful, peaceful vacation you had. God knew you needed that time with what was coming just ahead!

Even though I know it hurts, in some ways, for Amber to be gone, it sounds like you have surrendered that all to God and are choosing to see the benefits of that decision. Have no doubt that you planted seeds in her life, and maybe some day you will be able to see fruition from your gardening. Meanwhile, I'm glad you and your girls are moving on and feeling a fresh breath of air in your home.

You sure have a way with words and timing, delivery. So many gifts God has given you, and you are faithful to use them for Him. Blessings on you today, my friend!

Robin said...

Wow Heather! You've sure been on emotional rollercoaster, but God has been holding you tight and protecting you from the ughh. I'm sure it still hurts, but I can tell you are sitting in your heavenly daddy's lap allowing him to comfort and love you through it all. Keep holding tight to Jesus! He's working in and through your life and willingness to follow HIM regardless of the cost! You are an inspiration!

Susan said...

I love to see God work. He prepared you for this and let you know that He is right there with you. It is so neat to see how much you rely on your Heavenly Father. It is a testimony to me to see if we just trust Him He will take care of our every situation. Thanks for being so open it has been a blessing to me nad many others I am sure.

Sharon said...

Did have my tissues ready, always have a box on my computer desk. I know the struggles you have had with this and the decision not being easy. We have talk about it often. I do see a peace in your house that has not been there for a very long time. You can be glad to come home now and know that there will be calm and happy children to greet you. You have planted positive seeds, they are there if she chooses to use them, she also would have a support team if she could see past herself. I Love You to the Moon and Back

melmac said...

Great job Heather. I know that must have been hard but you are keeping it in perspective. It is so hard to watch someone you love make choices you know aren't right. I'll be praying for you and the fam!

Nana C said...

Sometimes we have the most unexpected answer to a situation in the most unexpected way. The solving of the problem comes with a peace, which I read in this post, that you knew God was with you and that the time was His time. There is the old hymn, "What a wonderful Saviour is Jesus our Saviour, what a wonderful Saviour is Jesus our Lord". Yes, my tears of your pain also brought back times with difficulties with my children, but God through it all keeps us, in the hollow of His hand. Love Nana C

roxannekristina.blogspot.com said...

Apologies for inserting update into post comment off topic.

I’m writing to let you know my Sharing Notes blog is history.

If I happen to be on your link list, below is my new blog name/address (if I am not on your link list, no worries what so ever… if you are receiving this you are on my link list – please let me know if problem):

Roxanne Kristina
http://roxannekristina.blogspot.com/

If you would like more details please read this post:
http://roxannekristina.blogspot.com/2008/09/dear-ones-link-list.html

Blessings,
Roxanne