When I adopted my daughter, Amber, I knew it was going to be a hard row to hoe. I knew she was coming from a lifetime of deep hurt and deception. I waivered back and forth on whether I should finalize the adoption or not. However, every time I asked God to close a door if it wasn't His will, the door only opened wider. I knew that she was to be part of our family.
The past year has been hard. Harder than I could've possibly fathomed. I wasn't prepared for all that Amber would bring into our home. You can read book after book, go to class after class, but there is no textbook training that can help you deal with a child who simply doesn't want to be helped. Last week, Amber decided she no longer wanted to be a part of our family. I say that Amber made this decision last week, but in reality, Amber made the decision long ago. Last week...I chose to let her go.
Our home is peaceful. It is no longer a battlefield. I can leave my youngest daughter in the house with her sister and not worry about what is being said and done in front of her. The heaviness has been lifted and I can see the peace on my children's faces. I hadn't realized how hard this year has been on them. There is also, on my part, sadness, aching, and longing for what could've been, what was hoped for, and what's been lost. I pray for her daily. She is still my child.
Amber did not go camping with us. She had went to visit her biological mom. She called me while we were at the lake to inform me that she did not want to come home. I wanted to fight it, although, I'm not sure why. Deep down in places I would rather not visit, I knew it was coming and that it was time to let her go. When we got home we made arrangements for her to come get her things. We packed up her room and she came and picked up her belongings. That was that. No scene. No big emotional meltdown. No tears of sadness or joy. No real goodbyes. Just two lives that had intertwined for a moment in time beginning to unravel.
God had prepared us for such a time as this. The week prior had been filled with love, joy, peace, fun, and incredible family bonding moments. None of which included Amber. I knew if Amber had gone camping with us, our time together would have been tense, volatile, and completely stressful because each time I spoke with her a heaviness would come over me. God had given me a glimpse of life as it was and it forced me to realize how much I longed to live that life again. By doing this He gave me the strength to let go.
Amber has been, officially, gone for 4 days now and there is renewed laughter and joy in our home. My confidence in who I am, as a parent and a child of God, has also been renewed. He has whispered in my ear when I have needed to hear His voice. He has renewed my strength and I am soaring on eagles wings.
More about that later.