Be Thou My Vision

Last month I went to the eye doctor. My eyes had definitely gotten worse over the past year and since I am pushing 40, I was sure the 'B' word was going to come into play. Yep. That 'B' word......bifocals! However, it was just the opposite. Not only did I not need bifocals, but my vision had improved! How could that be? Things were more out of focus now than they were a year ago. According to my optometrist.....my eyes only seemed worse because the lenses I was viewing the world through were no longer a match to my eyes. Hmmmmm....

Lately, my life has been out of focus. Things have been a little rough and I haven't been able to get my eyes to focus clearly. However, this morning I awoke with a sense of clarity and focus that I haven't had for quite awhile. And God brought to mind my visit at the eye doctor. He reminded me that, once again, I was viewing life through the wrong lenses. I have been looking through my eyes, not His. And, even though my eyes had improved, my vision is far from 20/20.

Today, the world looks different. Everything is a little brighter and clearer and I am thankful for the revelation the Lord has given me. My vision will always be skewed, but through His eyes.....my vision is perfect.

"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light"

Hiding Place.....

When I clean house I am a 'stuffer', which translates to:

I go around the house picking things up and stuffing them into places nobody can see. Closets, drawers, garbage cans, cabinets, baskets, boxes, etc. As long as it is out of sight!

And....it works! People stop to visit and, by all outwardly appearance, my house is clean and tidy with nothing out of place. However, lurking in places not seen by most eyes are mounds of junk that I am content to leave there until that day comes when I open the closet and can't shut the door again. Suddenly, all of my junk is exposed. No amount of stuffing will do....it's just full! Then, I am faced with a choice......clean it out completely or take just enough out to allow me to shut the door once more. Today I am faced with that choice again....only.....it's not about junk.

God has shown me that I clean my soul the way I clean house. I am a 'stuffer'. I stuff all my emotions and feelings into places hidden away from most eyes.....including my own. However, there is no closet, basket, trash can, drawer, or cabinet that can conceal me from Him! And....today, He has flung the closet door open and all my 'junk' is sitting in the open....completely exposed. The biggest part of me wants to slam the door shut and tell Him not to do that again. Only, I know Him and if I tell Him not to do it again.....He won't. And, I will be where I am right now.......which isn't a great place.

So, I have decided to clean house......completely. I will open every cabinet, closet, drawer, basket, nook, and cranny within my soul and offer all my fears, doubts, insecurities, hopes, and dreams to Him--where they should have been all along--and allow Him to be my only Hiding Place.

"You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble and surround me

with songs of deliverance"

- Psalm 32:7

All I Have To Give.

There are times when I can see God's footprints so clearly in my life. Each step begs me to follow and as I step into that giant print He leaves, I am always reminded of just how small I am compared to my God. I am also left in awe as I realize He intentionally leaves those footprints for me to walk in. So, I follow along.....skipping excitedly, on fire, full of passion, and completely humbled in His presence.....praising Him all the way! Then there are times like now. Days when I squint as hard as I can, yet can't seem to find His footprints. Moments when His presence feels so far away and completely unreachable. And all I can do is lay at the foot of the cross--speechless.....praising Him.

Life is a little tough right now. I'm not good with emotions and I have a LOT of them. I'm struggling with forgiveness....not the forgiveness I have been given, but the forgiveness I am called to give...and questioning the call that God has placed on my life. How can I serve Him if I can't do what He commands me to do? Has He really called me to ministry when I am so flawed? It feels futile asking that question when I know the answer. Yet, I ask anyway and am reminded through His Word that He can still use me....just not now.

I resigned as a youth leader today.

I have sat here for the past few minutes reading those words over and over. The sadness overwhelms me, yet so does His peace. My heart praises Him, but my voice is silent as I offer Him the only thing I can.....my everything.

My hurt, my pride, my joy, my stubborness, my tears, my unbelief, my lack of faith, my insecurity, my fear,.............my everything.

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" Isaiah 61:1-3

2010

It's a new year. The end of one decade and the beginning of another. I have thought about this year so many times throughout the past 18 years. I have felt anxiousness and dread at the coming of this year...and every emotion in between. But--it's arrived just the same and faster than I could've imagined. No amount of worry, fret, or dread stopped it. It's here.

This is the year that God will begin to perfect the 'Art of Letting Go'. I will see my eldest child graduate and, possibly, leave for college, my son get his drivers license, and my youngest finally go from the 'tween' years to being an 'official' teenager.

This year is going to be hard on my mommy heart. I'm so glad my heart is in good Hands!