There are times when I can see God's footprints so clearly in my life. Each step begs me to follow and as I step into that giant print He leaves, I am always reminded of just how small I am compared to my God. I am also left in awe as I realize He intentionally leaves those footprints for me to walk in. So, I follow along.....skipping excitedly, on fire, full of passion, and completely humbled in His presence.....praising Him all the way! Then there are times like now. Days when I squint as hard as I can, yet can't seem to find His footprints. Moments when His presence feels so far away and completely unreachable. And all I can do is lay at the foot of the cross--speechless.....praising Him.
Life is a little tough right now. I'm not good with emotions and I have a LOT of them. I'm struggling with forgiveness....not the forgiveness I have been given, but the forgiveness I am called to give...and questioning the call that God has placed on my life. How can I serve Him if I can't do what He commands me to do? Has He really called me to ministry when I am so flawed? It feels futile asking that question when I know the answer. Yet, I ask anyway and am reminded through His Word that He can still use me....just not now.
I resigned as a youth leader today.
I have sat here for the past few minutes reading those words over and over. The sadness overwhelms me, yet so does His peace. My heart praises Him, but my voice is silent as I offer Him the only thing I can.....my everything.
My hurt, my pride, my joy, my stubborness, my tears, my unbelief, my lack of faith, my insecurity, my fear,.............my everything.
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" Isaiah 61:1-3
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010
It's a new year. The end of one decade and the beginning of another. I have thought about this year so many times throughout the past 18 years. I have felt anxiousness and dread at the coming of this year...and every emotion in between. But--it's arrived just the same and faster than I could've imagined. No amount of worry, fret, or dread stopped it. It's here.
This is the year that God will begin to perfect the 'Art of Letting Go'. I will see my eldest child graduate and, possibly, leave for college, my son get his drivers license, and my youngest finally go from the 'tween' years to being an 'official' teenager.
This year is going to be hard on my mommy heart. I'm so glad my heart is in good Hands!
This is the year that God will begin to perfect the 'Art of Letting Go'. I will see my eldest child graduate and, possibly, leave for college, my son get his drivers license, and my youngest finally go from the 'tween' years to being an 'official' teenager.
This year is going to be hard on my mommy heart. I'm so glad my heart is in good Hands!
Monday, December 21, 2009
Building Alters...
It's been so long since I've written anything that I'm not sure where to start! My life has changed so much in such a short amount of time that it doesn't feel as though I could begin to sum it all up. Yet, I know I must begin somewhere, as I don't want to miss the opportunity to build alters that tell of what the Lord is doing in my life.
In Genesis 12, every time the Lord gave Abram direction, Abram built an alter to Him as a rememberance and an offering....and that is what I want this blog to be. In the past I always wrote so my children would have a piece of history....penned by their mothers own hand. And...it will always be that for them. However, I also want this blog to be a reminder to myself that the Lord has been my Rock, Provider, Redeemer, Husband, and Deliverer. In those moments when I question the road I am on and wonder if God has really called me to full time ministry...I can visit these alters and know, without a doubt, God has beckoned me to walk down this road.
Lord....accept this blog as an alter to you.....an offering of gratitude!
"I bring an offering Of worship to my King No one on earth deserves The praises that I sing Jesus may you receive The honor that You're due O Lord, I bring an offering to you I bring an offering to you"
In Genesis 12, every time the Lord gave Abram direction, Abram built an alter to Him as a rememberance and an offering....and that is what I want this blog to be. In the past I always wrote so my children would have a piece of history....penned by their mothers own hand. And...it will always be that for them. However, I also want this blog to be a reminder to myself that the Lord has been my Rock, Provider, Redeemer, Husband, and Deliverer. In those moments when I question the road I am on and wonder if God has really called me to full time ministry...I can visit these alters and know, without a doubt, God has beckoned me to walk down this road.
Lord....accept this blog as an alter to you.....an offering of gratitude!
"I bring an offering Of worship to my King No one on earth deserves The praises that I sing Jesus may you receive The honor that You're due O Lord, I bring an offering to you I bring an offering to you"
Saturday, June 27, 2009
In The Zone
God calls us to change. No question about it. When you find Christ, God immediately begins ridding you of the things that don't resemble the qualities of Christ.
If you let Him.
I was eager to give Him my anger, my pride, my jealousy.....all of the things that would make my life 'easier' if they would go away. Who wants to be angry or prideful or jealous? All of those things lead to bigger, uglier things in our lives. They are obvious stumbling blocks.
BUT....what about when God wants to do something in our lives that makes us uncomfortable? What about when the change isn't something that 'appears' to be hurting us? What about when He calls us to reach out to somebody that we just aren't comfortable reaching out to? Somebody who is maybe a little different than ourselves. Somebody who 'rubs' us the wrong way? What do we do when that somebody wants to infiltrate our little circle of friends? Do we embrace them with the Love that Christ has shown us? Do we extend that Grace even when we know we may have to spend time with someone who makes us uncomfortable? It pains me to say that more often than not.....I don't.
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations......"
Matthew 28:18
We love to go to faraway places and help those who are less fortunate. We offer food to the hungry, money to the poor, and wells to the thirsty. We adopt children from other countries and bring them to America or send money, monthly, to children who already have parents, but live in a place where they will never have anything. Every single one of those acts pleases Christ when done with a right heart. And....every single one of those acts makes us feel good. But....what about when God calls us to spend time with that person whose personality just doesn't 'mesh' with ours? Are we still willing to be so obedient when living the 'Great Commission' doesn't feel so good?
Jesus hung out with a lot of people during His time on earth. There were so many different personalities around Him constantly! Even His disciples, who all loved Him and wanted to follow Him, all had different personalities. No wonder He frequently went off by Himself and prayed. Notice the Bible doesn't have all of Jesus' prayers in it? I have always thought it was because of the intimacy of those prayers between the Father and the Son. But..now I'm beginning to wonder if Jesus was praying something like:
'Father, I know you placed Judas in my life because He is part of Your plan, too....
BUT he is sooooo greedy. It's all about him. He only cares about money and frankly
I just don't think he gets what being a follower of mine is all about!!!'
I know that the One who calls me to be more like Him, would never ask me to do something He hasn't already done. He asks me to extend Grace to those He puts in my path, despite the personality differences, because He extends it to me. He calls me to love those that are hard for me to love because He loves them. He calls me out of my comfort zone because He gave up the Throne of Heaven to dwell among us. His entire life, here on earth, was 'out of His comfort zone'.
I have been convicted. He beckons me to reach out. Not just to a lost world, a hungry child, or a homeless man/woman, but to my brothers and sisters in Christ who may look and act a little different than me. Those who may make me a little uncomfortable because God had the audacity to gift them with a personality unlike my own.
Thank you, Lord for making each one of us unique. Help me learn to step outside my 'circle of friends', embrace differences, and most of all.........make my comfort zone....uncomfortable!!!!!!!!
If you let Him.
I was eager to give Him my anger, my pride, my jealousy.....all of the things that would make my life 'easier' if they would go away. Who wants to be angry or prideful or jealous? All of those things lead to bigger, uglier things in our lives. They are obvious stumbling blocks.
BUT....what about when God wants to do something in our lives that makes us uncomfortable? What about when the change isn't something that 'appears' to be hurting us? What about when He calls us to reach out to somebody that we just aren't comfortable reaching out to? Somebody who is maybe a little different than ourselves. Somebody who 'rubs' us the wrong way? What do we do when that somebody wants to infiltrate our little circle of friends? Do we embrace them with the Love that Christ has shown us? Do we extend that Grace even when we know we may have to spend time with someone who makes us uncomfortable? It pains me to say that more often than not.....I don't.
As Christians, we are all about living the 'Great Commission':
"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations......"
Matthew 28:18
We love to go to faraway places and help those who are less fortunate. We offer food to the hungry, money to the poor, and wells to the thirsty. We adopt children from other countries and bring them to America or send money, monthly, to children who already have parents, but live in a place where they will never have anything. Every single one of those acts pleases Christ when done with a right heart. And....every single one of those acts makes us feel good. But....what about when God calls us to spend time with that person whose personality just doesn't 'mesh' with ours? Are we still willing to be so obedient when living the 'Great Commission' doesn't feel so good?
Jesus hung out with a lot of people during His time on earth. There were so many different personalities around Him constantly! Even His disciples, who all loved Him and wanted to follow Him, all had different personalities. No wonder He frequently went off by Himself and prayed. Notice the Bible doesn't have all of Jesus' prayers in it? I have always thought it was because of the intimacy of those prayers between the Father and the Son. But..now I'm beginning to wonder if Jesus was praying something like:
'Father, I know you placed Judas in my life because He is part of Your plan, too....
BUT he is sooooo greedy. It's all about him. He only cares about money and frankly
I just don't think he gets what being a follower of mine is all about!!!'
I know that the One who calls me to be more like Him, would never ask me to do something He hasn't already done. He asks me to extend Grace to those He puts in my path, despite the personality differences, because He extends it to me. He calls me to love those that are hard for me to love because He loves them. He calls me out of my comfort zone because He gave up the Throne of Heaven to dwell among us. His entire life, here on earth, was 'out of His comfort zone'.
I have been convicted. He beckons me to reach out. Not just to a lost world, a hungry child, or a homeless man/woman, but to my brothers and sisters in Christ who may look and act a little different than me. Those who may make me a little uncomfortable because God had the audacity to gift them with a personality unlike my own.
Thank you, Lord for making each one of us unique. Help me learn to step outside my 'circle of friends', embrace differences, and most of all.........make my comfort zone....uncomfortable!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Still Learning...
Jordan really struggles with math! She has had a really hard time learning multiplication and now we are working on division. She is a couple of grades behind on math, but I'm not in a panic...yet. I realize that someday it's just going to click with her. However.........
Knowing that she will get it someday does not ease my frustration with her today. It seems like everyday I have to show her how to do the same thing over and over. She gets it one day and the next......she has forgotten. Some days it just drives me crazy!
Today, I find myself wondering.....
Does my lack of being able to learn something, after He has tried to teach me over and over again, frustrate God?
It seems that God has to continually teach me the same things over and over and over. I wonder if God is sitting up there saying things like:
"Come on Heather! We just went over this last week!"
"Don't you remember when I dealt with your pride last time and you said you got it this time?"
"Really? You're struggling with that anger issue again? How many times are we going to go through this???"
The thought of it almost makes me chuckle. Almost. The truth is.....I am a sloooooowww learner. There are issues that God has been trying to rid me of for the past 8 years and I am STILL trying to learn them. I guess I need to cut my daughter some slack when she can't remember to bring down the 2. She has only been learning division for a couple of months;)
Thank you Lord for being the most patient teacher and for allowing me the opportunity to teach my children at home. Fill me with Your Spirit as I instruct my children in Your ways. OH....and please help Jo to learn division faster than I learn my lessons........because 8 years of division might just cause me to lose it!
Knowing that she will get it someday does not ease my frustration with her today. It seems like everyday I have to show her how to do the same thing over and over. She gets it one day and the next......she has forgotten. Some days it just drives me crazy!
Today, I find myself wondering.....
Does my lack of being able to learn something, after He has tried to teach me over and over again, frustrate God?
It seems that God has to continually teach me the same things over and over and over. I wonder if God is sitting up there saying things like:
"Come on Heather! We just went over this last week!"
"Don't you remember when I dealt with your pride last time and you said you got it this time?"
"Really? You're struggling with that anger issue again? How many times are we going to go through this???"
The thought of it almost makes me chuckle. Almost. The truth is.....I am a sloooooowww learner. There are issues that God has been trying to rid me of for the past 8 years and I am STILL trying to learn them. I guess I need to cut my daughter some slack when she can't remember to bring down the 2. She has only been learning division for a couple of months;)
Thank you Lord for being the most patient teacher and for allowing me the opportunity to teach my children at home. Fill me with Your Spirit as I instruct my children in Your ways. OH....and please help Jo to learn division faster than I learn my lessons........because 8 years of division might just cause me to lose it!
I'm Accepted.....
Around a month ago I received a phone call from the admissions guy at Crown College....where I had applied to become a student in the fall. He was calling to let me know that the reason it was taking so long to process my app is because they have to get 'special permission' for me to attend. My heart began to sink as I knew what he would say next.
In high school I wasn't exactly a great student. OK..that may be a slight understatement. I was an awful student. At one point, my GPA was .69. No, that wasn't a typo. I cared much more about hanging with my friends and partying than I did getting my school work done. I graduated by the skin of my teeth and now it was coming back to haunt me.
Admissions guy told me it would probably be a couple of weeks until he could get a hold of head guy that needs to OK my admission. So, I would probably have to wait for a month until I heard anything. I got off the phone with admissions guy a little worried. However, God quickly reminded me Who is in charge. I sent up a prayer and decided that if this is truly God's Will then there will not be a problem.
Two weeks later........I received my acceptance letter:) It's conditional. I have to take at least 12 credits per semester and I have to maintain a 2.0 GPA. I'm going to college!!!!!
I am still waiting to hear from financial aid. I have to admit....I'm nervous. I am needing financial aid to come through in a HUGE way! BUT.....I know Who is in charge and I'm placing it in His hands.
In high school I wasn't exactly a great student. OK..that may be a slight understatement. I was an awful student. At one point, my GPA was .69. No, that wasn't a typo. I cared much more about hanging with my friends and partying than I did getting my school work done. I graduated by the skin of my teeth and now it was coming back to haunt me.
Admissions guy told me it would probably be a couple of weeks until he could get a hold of head guy that needs to OK my admission. So, I would probably have to wait for a month until I heard anything. I got off the phone with admissions guy a little worried. However, God quickly reminded me Who is in charge. I sent up a prayer and decided that if this is truly God's Will then there will not be a problem.
Two weeks later........I received my acceptance letter:) It's conditional. I have to take at least 12 credits per semester and I have to maintain a 2.0 GPA. I'm going to college!!!!!
I am still waiting to hear from financial aid. I have to admit....I'm nervous. I am needing financial aid to come through in a HUGE way! BUT.....I know Who is in charge and I'm placing it in His hands.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
And...The Rotten Blogger Award Goes To........ME
I have been a horrible blogger...I know. I apologize. It's not like I haven't had anything to say.........I just haven't felt like saying it. There have been SO many things going on that I'm not even sure where to start. However, I do know that if I don't start now, I may never start again. So, let me start with this:
I am WELL! Finally. It was a very long haul. I did not bounce back the way I thought/expected/hoped I would. I had a not-so-nice reaction to my steroids that left me in a lot of pain and not able to do much at a time when I really needed to be doing many things. To say it was frustrating is an understatement. It wasn't until mid-April that I really felt good. Being down for almost two months is just not me! I am trusting that God knew what He was doing:)
I am down to my last week of work. I can't believe it! I remember telling my boss in early February that I would be leaving May 1st. I really thought the time was dragging along, but now that it's actually my last week....I think it went pretty fast. I am anxious to end my time here and begin this new chapter in my life. I won't start school until August (if I am accepted....still waiting to hear) so I plan on spending some quality time with my girls and my son this summer. We are really behind on our homeschooling, so it looks like the majority of our summer will be spent doing that. What a blessing!
There are so many little details I am going to spare you from. Like the fact that we have had 2 garage sales, I am still in between homes as we wait for the attic in my parents house to be finished, I have approximately 4 outfits that I can access right now, and I can't find anything. Each of those sentences could be an entire blog post. I won't even go there.
Thank you for checking in with me and I'm sorry I haven't been good at keeping you updated. I hope to blog more now that things are settling down. OK....things aren't really settling down, but I DO hope to blog more:)
I am WELL! Finally. It was a very long haul. I did not bounce back the way I thought/expected/hoped I would. I had a not-so-nice reaction to my steroids that left me in a lot of pain and not able to do much at a time when I really needed to be doing many things. To say it was frustrating is an understatement. It wasn't until mid-April that I really felt good. Being down for almost two months is just not me! I am trusting that God knew what He was doing:)
I am down to my last week of work. I can't believe it! I remember telling my boss in early February that I would be leaving May 1st. I really thought the time was dragging along, but now that it's actually my last week....I think it went pretty fast. I am anxious to end my time here and begin this new chapter in my life. I won't start school until August (if I am accepted....still waiting to hear) so I plan on spending some quality time with my girls and my son this summer. We are really behind on our homeschooling, so it looks like the majority of our summer will be spent doing that. What a blessing!
There are so many little details I am going to spare you from. Like the fact that we have had 2 garage sales, I am still in between homes as we wait for the attic in my parents house to be finished, I have approximately 4 outfits that I can access right now, and I can't find anything. Each of those sentences could be an entire blog post. I won't even go there.
Thank you for checking in with me and I'm sorry I haven't been good at keeping you updated. I hope to blog more now that things are settling down. OK....things aren't really settling down, but I DO hope to blog more:)
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