Yesterday my baby, Jordan, turned 11 years old. Today I find myself wondering where the time has gone. It doesn't seem possible that she is 11 years old already. She is my baby. My newborn. My last child. I think I am having delayed post partum depression:)
I often think of what my life would have been like without this child. She was not planned and to be honest, not wanted. At that time I was not a Christian and I seriously considered having an abortion. I was a single mom with two children, I had just moved from California to Iowa, and I wasn't in love with her dad. After much thought and pleading from her dad...I decided to have her. It was my hope that during the course of my pregnancy I would fall in love with this child. It didn't happen. I had a very hard pregnancy that required me to remain on bed rest for the majority of it. By the time February rolled around....I was positive my decision to have her was a huge mistake.
While most mother's are elated when the Dr. lays their newborn into their arms and they get to see their face for the first time, I could barely muster a smile. It was the first time my mom hadn't been there for the birth, I was an hour away from my other children, and I had this new little person that I didn't even want.
One night, when Jordan was about 2 weeks old, I went into my bedroom to check on her. She was sleeping peacefully in the bassinet. I sat down next to her and watched her. I studied the outline of her face, her mouth, her hands, and all of her beautiful curly hair. All of a sudden, there was a flood of emotion that swept over me and I began to uncontrollably weep. All of the love that I had hoped would come...finally did. I sat next to her crying and asking her to forgive me for not wanting her. She slept. I considered that forgiveness.
11 years later I can't imagine my life without her. She has the most infectious giggle I have ever heard. Her beautiful blue eyes sparkle with wonder as she talks of her plans to marry a farmer, travel the world as a missionary, adopt children from different countries, and become a vetrinarian so she can take care of animals. Her love for others is something I am still struggling to achieve. She is miles ahead of me. She is special.
Happy Birthday Sweet Girl......I am soooo thankful to God that you are here and He allowed me to be your mom. May all His dreams for you come true!