Monday, May 5, 2008

Standing Still.

At 8:00pm last night I received a phone call that would cause time and my heart to stand still.

I was at small group and my cell phone rang. It was my children's dad. Normally I would ignore the call as I try not to answer my phone during small group unless it's an emergency. My kids' dad and I have a good relationship and it is fairly typical for him to call me 100 times a day for no apparent reason. However, something (or should I say Someone) prompted me to answer my phone. I knew, right away, something was not right as he told me that we needed to talk. I asked him what was going on and he said the words I never wanted to hear: "Your son ran away and I don't know where he is. He has been gone since yesterday afternoon."

As you know, if you have been following this blog, I am doing a Bible Study on Saturday's called Breaking Free. One of the things that has been revealed to me is that I do not know how to share my feelings. As I received that phone call, I stayed true to my unsharing nature and bolted out the front door. I couldn't 'break down' properly in front of my small group. True to their sharing nature....they followed me. I asked Eddie if he had called Josh's friends or gone to their houses and he said he hadn't. He didn't know where Josh's friends live and Josh's cell phone has a password that he hadn't been able to bypass. Eddie had called the police and they were ready to move on Monday if Josh didn't show up to school. That would be almost 48 hours. I've seen the statistics. I've watched 48 Hours and 20/20. I know what happens to kids on the streets. My heart was swelling with each breath to the point where I thought it would burst out of my chest. We ended our conversation with me promising to pray and Eddie promising to find our son. I was 2000 miles away and my son was 'lost'. All I could do was stand still.

As I entered into the house where my small group waited, they promptly gathered around me and we began to pray. As I listened to these people, my friends, pray over me and my family I felt so incredibly blessed. There was a definite peace that surrounded me as I laid my son in the hands of our awesome Lord. God is good...all the time. I prayed to God and promised Him that no matter what the outcome, circumstances would never change how I felt about Him. I sat with them for a while longer and then I had to move. I still had to tell his sisters and his grandparents. I called anyone I could that would pray for my son. It was a little after 9pm, so I kept my calls limited to those I knew would be awake.

I sat in my house. Helpless. Scared. Sick to my stomach. Wanting to search for him. Wanting to scream his name at the top of my lungs. Longing to put my arms around him. Aching to hear his voice. When was the last time I spoke with him? It had been a while. Josh isn't much of a phone person, so I generally let him call me when he feels like talking. He hadn't called in a couple of weeks. He was on my mind Friday. Why didn't I call him? Why didn't I, at least, send him a text message letting him know I love him? What if the last time I hugged him would be the last time I hug him?

The back door opened and there stood my best friend. I had called her and she asked if I wanted her to come over. I told her no, but there she stood anyway. We talked and waited to hear something. Eddie was calling every 1/2 hour or so to let us know what was going on. They had bypassed the code on the cell phone and he was calling all of his friends. Nobody had seen him. My heart sank. Where are you? Please God, let him be safe. Your will, not mine. Each time I heard the Twilight Zone theme (Eddie's ring tone on my cell phone. Very appropriate if you knew him) my heart would swell and my stomach would turn. At midnight my phone rang again. Eddie spoke life into me with one little word that would cause time and my heart to stand still: "Found."

The next time my phone rang it was the beautiful sound of my son's voice: "I'm sorry, mom. I love you." "I love you, too son."

I don't know all of the details yet. Frankly, they don't matter. I went to bed praising God for surrounding me with amazing people who spoke truth and love into my breaking heart and for bringing my son home, yet knowing that if He hadn't......I would've praised Him, still.

"I am Yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above
because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
suffering Your destiny
so tell me......whats a little rain?"

Mercy Me
Bring the Rain


Tanya said...

I am glad that we talked. I am also glad that he was found. The Lord has many things for him and he is going to be used in mighty ways to further God's kingdom. I am also glad that you are opening up to people. God bless you, Love Tanya

Carol - CDCversion said...

Oh, Heather, my heart was in my throat as I read what you have been going through. I can't is a mother/grandmother's greatest fear. Praise the Lord, he was found and you have been able to talk to him. No doubt you are having to work through a lot of emotions and what ifs and what nows with your son and your ex and yourself and family. I will be praying for you, dear sister, and asking God to give you the directions you need, the clarity of thought and what to say when. Please keep us posted...this isn't something to just dismiss lightly, and thank God it's over, cause we both know it's not over. I'm here with you on this journey, Heather, and whether you share or not, I am praying for you and your family. Will you be going to CA for a visit?

Susan said...

Please know Heather that we are all your sisters in Christ and we are here for you whenever. Anytime day or night. We all love you and are so glad that everything worked out you have a group of women that love you and are going to continue loving you and you can open up to us when you are ready. We will always be here.

Lori said...

OH eyes were welling with tears and my heart raced as I read your post today. I am so glad Josh is ok and I'm so glad you had the full Support Team around you. God IS good, all the time. Know that, although I am a full day drive away, I am only a phone call away. I am here for you anytime you need an ear or a shoulder. I wish I could have been there to help comfort-

Robin said...

Oh Heather,

I'm so glad he is safe and I'm glad you were able to allow others to love you and minister to your through this ordeal. Praying that God works in your son and gives him the healing that he needs and that he feels the unconditional love and acceptance of Jesus that we all need to feel, but especially during the teen years.

Indian Lake Papa said...

Family crisis - have had a few - are when our trust in God is put to the real test. Especially when we don't have the answers and we just sit and wait. Very scary - fear at it's peak. Will be praying that the issues can be settled.

girlymama said...

Oh my goodness, Heather, what an inspiring post. What a testimony to the goodness of God and praising Him is ALL THINGS.
Especially when we are in the midst of a crisis, on our knees, crying out for help - all we want to do is beg him to end our pain. But even in those times, we can praise Him. Because the only thing we can count on in the uncertainty of life is God - for who He is never changes.
Thank God your son is home safely.

Pete Wilson said...

I can't imagine how scary that was. I'm so glad he was found.

My heart stopped just reading the story!

Sharon said...

I'm so glad that your son is safe. Oh my goodness, what a heartache you went through. I am so sorry. I hope that you can get to the bottom of why he ran away and that the Lord will provide healing. Praise God for answering your prayers.

Gentle hugs, Sharon

michelle said...

I came over from Darla's blog just to see who you God is so good. We're in the middle of a family crisis...waiting on God to determine our situation.

It's so good to know that He is the God who sees...when we can't see ahead, He already knows...

Love Mercy Me ;)

Darla said...

i seriously felt your heart in this, and Breaking Free was life changing for me...I know about runaways and missing children, and being a single mom...and I know now HOW big my God is, and how much HE hears and answers our cries..I am going to add you to my list to pray for...You are a princess and the apple of God's eye, and HE moves heaven and earth when we call HIM...HE loves you sooo much! Just wanted to tell you!

melmac said...

I'm so glad God found him!
I did my best to get mom out of the purple bag but she is quite stubborn.