Heart Smiles

Sometimes my kiddos just crack me up! Particularly Sam and Josh. They are close in age, relationship, and sense of humor--needless to say this sparks some interesting banter. I remember waking up one morning to them arguing about whether Donald and Daisy Duck were a couple...and they were serious. They both had some valid points and it is still unclear as to who won, but it was definitely fun!

Last night, this is the conversation that ensued between my two very spirited children:

Josh-"So, do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?"

Sam- *laughs*

Josh- "Well, do they Sam?"

Sam- "What?! I get the full effect!!!"

Josh- "I love how she doesn't say "Hey! I can read!", but instead says she gets the full effect!!"

Oh how I love the kiddos that God has given me. They bless me in so many ways and simply make my heart smile.

Sam, Josh, and Jordan- I love you more than you could possibly know. I have so many cherished memories and moments with you. I watch other teenagers talk horribly to their parents and about their parents and I realize how blessed I am.

Lord- Thank You for giving me these wonderful beings that You knit together within me!

New Decade....

Wow! I am always amazed when I look at my last blog and realize how long it has been since I have written. There are so many things going on and God is teaching me so much that I should be writing every day. However, the day gets busy and at the end of it I think "I will do it tomorrow" only...tomorrow never seems to come--until today:)

Where do I start? Well, maybe with my 40th birthday. EEK! Am I really that old? The calendar says "YES!" and my body definitely says "YES!", but in my mind I am still in my very early 30's. The thirties were a great decade for me because that is when I found Christ. Every year after that has been filled with growth as I have learned to have faith, joy, and hope in all circumstances and learned to accept God's unconditional Love. I am looking forward to my forties as I know God has so much more to teach me and I am looking forward to becoming more like Him every day.

I celebrated my 40th birthday with my family and some close friends. It was very low key and I was thankful. I was very nervous that my family and friends would do something horrific...like a surprise party complete with black "Over the Hill" balloons, but the day went by fairly uneventful and I let out a sigh of relief as I went to bed that evening. Grateful to God for the amazing life He has given me and shuddering at the thought of how I would have spent the day if I had never found Him. However--my sigh of relief was short lived.

On Friday night I walked over to Brett and Heather's house for game night with Travis and Nikki and as we approached the door I heard a large group yell "SURPRISE!" My first instinct was to run, but my son quickly, and sternly, told me "You're going in!" Travis's 30th birthday was Sunday so I was sure the party was for him and I was kinda mad nobody had told me. As it turns out....it was for both of us.

I hate parties like that. Well, I love them for other people, but I hate them for me; I despise being the center of attention. However, I couldn't be mad. As I sat there looking around at all the people I was completely humbled by how God had blessed me with such amazing family and friends.

Lord, I know I am undeserving of all that you give me--especially my family and friends. I thank You for them and pray that You will help me to show them how much I love them and appreciate them. I am looking forward to these next 10 years Lord and pray that above all things.....I fall more and more in love with You!

Crush!

When you live in the Midwest, especially smaller towns in the Midwest, you get used to seeing a fair amount of roadkill while traveling the highways. And I don't know what it is about roadkill, but I just can't help but stare at it. Perhaps it is the mystery of trying to figure out what kind of animal it is or maybe it is the excitement of the possibility of seeing an animal that is not indigenous to this area. Whatever the case may be--I cannot look away until I have examined it.

As my son and I were driving to Omaha one day I could see a familiar lump in the road. I was pretty close to it when I noticed it and thought it was a cat or a coon, so I moved the car to the left so I wouldn't hit. Just as the car came up on it my eyes began to make out the shape--it was a turtle! And...just as the car started to go over it--he MOVED!

I anxiously told my son what I had seen as I was maneuvering my vehicle to the side of the road. He hadn't seen it and thought for sure that it was probably dead. I made a, very illegal, U-turn in the middle of the highway and went back towards the scene of the crime.

As we approached the little guy my son was convinced he was dead. He wasn't moving and there was a large, gaping hole in the back of his shell. However, as a semi passed over him he panicked and started to move. The thought of this little guy just sitting on the hot pavement with vehicles whizzing over him, and possibly hitting him, was nearly bringing me to tears. I couldn't do nothing, so I called a friend who worked with wildlife.

Well, apparently a turtle with a gaping hole in his back does not have a good prognosis and is not worth coming to pick up. But, I just could not leave him. I begged my son to do something--just get him off the road. So, Josh looked in the back of the car and found something to put over his hands and cautiously walked onto the highway.

As he drew closer to the turtle he could see that the wound was pretty bad. Considering this was probably a snapping turtle, Josh had to be careful and grab him as far back on the shell as he could so he would not get bit. He lifted the turtle and ran to the side of the road--placing him in a ditch, out of the sun, and covered with tall grass. My hero!

As we drove away I knew that the turtle would probably die, but I felt so much better knowing it would not be in the middle of the highway. I was proud of my son for caring enough to appease his mom, but also realized that his careful placement of the turtle had nothing to do with me--it was the tugging of his own heartstrings.

On our return trip home that day, as we approached the spot where the turtle was, we began to reminisce about the event once more. Josh told me to slow down and pull over when we got to the exact place, because he wanted to get out and check on the turtle. My heart sighed as I realized what an amazing heart he has.

As he got back in the vehicle he said--"He's gone mom! I looked around, but he is gone." While I knew he probably hobbled off to die, I couldn't help but hope that someday we would encounter a turtle with a large scar on his back. Josh and I chuckled at the prospect and I referred to our little friend as "Tippy". Josh didn't care for that name much, so I challenged him to come up with a better name--to which he promptly replied "Crush" from Finding Nemo. We both cracked up at how appropriate that name was for our little guy.

Lord, thank you for the events of that day! Thank you for allowing my son to have such a kind heart and for allowing Crush to be gone. Whether he lived or died is Your knowledge alone, but it allowed for a precious memory between a mom and her son. You are so good.

It's Been a Year....Literally and Figuratively

It has been a year since my son moved back home and we have definitely experienced some ups and downs. I knew it would be quite a transition for him to move from California back to small town Iowa, but what I didn't realize is what a transition it would be for the girls and I. In case I wasn't sure prior to his leaving, upon his return my suspicions are absolutely confirmed--boys and girls are not the same!

Prior to Josh returning home, a day out with the girls consisted of going shopping with a definite trip to Bath and Body Works. Now, we still go shopping, but there is a definite trip to either Bass Pro Shop or Canfields. I actually like Bass Pro, but Canfields, well, that is a military surplus shop and is heavy laden with testosterone. Not exactly my favorite place....for more than one reason.

Josh is a Senior this year, so over the past year we have talked a lot about his future. When he arrived in Iowa last August he was unsure of what he wanted to do. He began to work for a friend of ours who has a farm and for a bit he toyed with the idea of becoming a farmer. I couldn't have been happier. Not just because that profession would keep my son close to home, but because when Josh was little I was sure he was going to be a farmer. He loved tractors, country music, and cornbread--all the ingredients needed to become one. But......it seems that God may have other plans for him.

Since returning to Iowa Josh became involved in C.A.P. (Civil Air Patrol), which is an auxiliary of the Air Force. Josh has always been fascinated by planes, guns, tanks--you know, all the loud things that boys like and he had definitely talked about going in the military for a brief time when he was really young and wanted to be an astronaut--before he realized that rollercoasters scared the tar out of him. However, going to C.A.P. seemed to have set off a spark that ignited a passion to serve in our armed forces. Suddenly, joining the military was back on the table as a possibility after graduation. I was glad he was keeping his mind open and exploring different options. Then, about two months ago, while on a mother/son date, we were walking through Canfields and I saw a sweatshirt that said "Marine Mom". I jokingly said "If you join the military I am definitely getting a sweatshirt!". My son's response left me speechless: "Mom, it's not a matter of if I join--it's just a matter of which branch I join." Suddenly, my heart soared and sank at the same time.

I have always been very proud of the country I live in. I get emotional when patriotic songs are played and understand that this country has always maintained its freedom with the cost of the blood, sweat, tears, and lives of those who fight for it. I do not take their sacrifice lightly and I pray for them often. I have seen parents who are upset because their children want to go into the military and I could never understand it--what an honor it is to have your son choose to go and fight for the country he loves. Yet, as I think about my own son joining the military I feel sick to my stomach.

Perhaps I would feel better if he would go into the Nuke program the Navy has offered him, but my son does not want to be trapped on an aircraft carrier 6 months out of the year--and I understand that. What I don't understand and probably never will is--my son wants to go to combat. He wants to fight--whether it is for the Marines or a special ops team like the Navy Seals or S.W.C.C. (Special Warfare Combatant-Craft Crewman)--he wants to fight. And, my heart hurts just thinking about it!

Lord- I know that this boy was never mine. You loaned Him to me to raise, but He has always belonged to You. Please guide Him as he makes a decision that will forever change his life. Please illuminate the road of the path that leads to You and Your will for his life. And please help me to let go. In the name of Christ Jesus I pray. Amen.....

Soli Deo Gloria

New Blog...

OK! I know I have absolutely no business trying to do two blogs when I stink at keeping one, but since I consider my blog to be an alter to God and a legacy for my children, I really wanted a blog that chronicles my journey into youth ministry. So, I started this.....

DROPPING MY NET

This blog will be centered around the lessons I am learning as I travel the road God has paved for me. Over the next four years there will be times the road is smooth and times the road is full of bumps--and I don't want to miss a thing. For I know in every joy and every struggle God is using it all to shape me into the woman He has called me to be.

Soli Deo Gloria.....

Hope for the Future...

On May 15, 2010 my baby officially graduated high school.

Two weeks later: out of town relatives are gone, decorations are put away, speeches are given, tears have been shed, and life feels like it did prior to that day. But, in my heart, I know life will never be the same.

Samantha is with her dad in California and even though I know she will be home in a few weeks, I also know that it won't be long until she is gone more than she is home and I am still trying to reconcile that thought with my heart--as my heart doesn't seem to quite grasp it, yet. However......I have found myself looking forward to the future lately.

I can't wait to see how God uses her to touch the lives of others through music and the gift of compassion He gave her. I can't wait to see if God will allow us to serve in ministry together. I can't wait to get the phone call when she says "I think I met the man I'm going to marry" and to meet my future son-in-law. And, eventually, I can't wait to meet my grandchildren. I can't wait to see how she handles being a wife and mommy and mostly, I can't wait to see her and her husband train their children in the Lord.

OK. Maybe I can wait, but because we chose to follow the Lord, I can look forward to the future. Generational sins will be broken and my children's lives will look so much different than mine. Because of the Lord there is hope for my future and the future of my children and all our generations to come. Letting go is hard. Even when I know that Sammie was never really mine to begin with, but hope makes letting go so much easier.

I wonder how I would feel if I never knew the Lord? I am guessing my world would feel like the bottom was dropping out of it. Instead, I can mourn the loss of my 'baby' while celebrating the young woman she has grown to be.

Thank You, Lord for allowing me the opportunity to raise this girl of Yours. Help me to consistently hand her over to you as I practice letting her go. Thank You for being eager to rise and show us compassion and for drawing me near to you. I fully understand that our lives have hope because of You and You alone! I love You.

Matters of the Heart

Knowing that Samantha's graduation is drawing near has definitely kept my mind preoccupied. Not only am I busy sending out invitations and planning her party, but I am also trying to squeeze in as much time with her as possible--this includes making sure I have been present at every event she is involved in. Until a couple of weeks ago when God reminded me--I still have two other children that need their mom.

Saturday, April 17th, was a very crazy day for our family. My second eldest daughter, Amber, got married (more about that later), Samantha's prom was that evening, and Josh, who is a member of the Civil Air Patrol, had a Fly In and Promotion Ceremony. Of course the wedding was a priority as I had committed to walking Amber down the aisle and with this prom being Sam's last it was also a priority. When Josh told me about the Fly In I reminded him that I needed to be at prom walk-in's that night. He looked disappointed, but when I asked him if he understood he shrugged and said it was "OK". Apparently it wasn't.

A few days later Josh and I got into an argument over something that should have been no big deal. However, Josh was very angry. He went downstairs and I went after him asking what was wrong. As he gave his book a toss he looked up at me with tears streaming down his face and replied "What does it matter anyway? You didn't even care enough to come to my C.A.P. Promotion!" OUCH! I sat down with him and hugged him. I could have made a thousand excuses, but the truth is--I had failed to recognize the importance of this event in his life because I had been completely consumed with his sister. I continued to hold him as he wept and assured him that I would pay closer attention to the things that matter to him.

I thank God for that moment every time it crosses my mind--which is often. I truly believe God brought Josh and I to that place, at that time. Josh never cries! When he gets upset about something, it typically manifests in the way of anger and we end up in a big argument until he finally tells me what is really bothering him. So, the tears streaming down his cheek stopped me in my tracks. They left me no choice but to really listen to my son's heart. It was tough to hear that I had let him down, but I wouldn't trade that moment for the world.

Thank you, Lord.

31 Days

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

As I purchase graduation announcements, take Senior pictures, construct a schedule, prepare my speech, and work on various meaningless tasks--I find that I am distancing myself from the true meaning of that day as much as possible. I am attempting to get lost in these trivial details so that the full magnitude of what is going to take place does not hit me.....

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

I have the privilege of watching a little girl on Wednesday evenings and she loves to listen to music on my laptop. Tonight I decided to play some songs from The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. Almost instantly I could feel the emotion well up within me and I fought to hold back tears as images of my little girl flooded my mind. It was as if I had been transported to another place and time--15 years ago--when she would twirl with her apron, basket, and book pretending to be Belle or jump up with extended arms to mock Ariel while singing "Part of Your World". Suddenly, my head was reeling with the thought......

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

Where has the time gone? I know it seems like the million dollar question, but I mean it. Where has it gone? How did we get here? I feel like there is so much I still want to teach her, yet I find myself constantly amazed at how much she knows. She is so far ahead of where I was at that age that I wonder what in the world I could possibly teach her. The simple truth is--I'm going to miss her. While she is my 'little girl' she is also my friend. I enjoy our late night talks and the way I can always count on her to go somewhere with me--even if it is just to the gas station. I love that she waits up for me to get home if I am out late and that she always kisses me goodbye--even if I am sleeping and don't know it. She is one of my best friends and I can't imagine not seeing her every day. I always knew this day would come and I knew it would come quick. Every seasoned parent is fast to let you know how quickly time flies. But......

In 31 days my little girl will graduate.

And nothing could prepare my heart to let her go. I am trusting that God will give me every ounce of strength when the time comes, but for now I am going to be selfish a while longer.

The Wonderous Cross

As we enter into Holy Week I can't help but focus on the cross. The cross that I seem to lose sight of throughout the year. The cross that served as a backdrop to the most amazing event history ever recorded. The cross that my Savior clung to as He took His dying breath. The cross that I often look at and completely forget its true meaning.

I spend time with God and read His Word, but every year, at some point, I become completely complacent about the cross. Then we begin the lent season and I find myself drawing near again. And by the time we enter Holy Week I am in awe once more. Completely wrecked with emotion for the God-Man who found obedience to the Father more important than anything Satan could tempt Him with. A love so big for a world so lost. A God who stepped out of His rightful place and onto the earth just so He could tell us "I've been there! I've walked in your shoes. I know how you feel."

Tonight as I ponder the God who loved me enough to go to the cross for me, I am without words. Thank you feels so small and I love you feels so over used. So, I come to Him in silence....with a song on my heart........

And once again I look upon the cross where You died

I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside

Once again I thank You

Once again I pour out my life.

Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross
Thank You for the cross, my Friend

Baby, You Can Drive My Car......

I woke up this morning to the sound of someone running down the stairs and I knew what was coming as I said "Good morning". Today is the day he had been eagerly anticipating since September 8th, 2009 and it is the day that I had been dreading since March 22, 1993. "Good morning" I heard him reply, followed quickly by "I'm gonna hop in the shower, then can we go get my license???" I smiled while replying--"I knew you were going to ask me that!"

My little boy got his license today! As we stood in line at the DMV the magnitude of it began to really hit me--my son is driving, my youngest will get her drivers permit next year, and my eldest is graduating this year. I could feel the tears begin to sting my eyes. I'm not a 'cryer' and the DMV wasn't going to be the place I started. I inhaled deeply and tilted my head back to keep the tears from falling. We finished 'business' and walked outside--and I watched my little boy drive off--without me.

Another milestone passed and one less to anticipate. Time is moving so quickly and I feel the urgency to pass on every little bit of knowledge--every nook and cranny of wisdom to these children God has entrusted to me. Yet, I feel Him whispering to me every day "Let go". Oh how I long to hold on and never let go.

Congratulations Buddy! I'm so proud of you! Please watch your speed, watch for deer, don't pick up hitchhikers, don't keep the stereo too loud, NO drifting, and always remember--your mommy loves you so much!

Buying the Lie

I stink at science! Plain and simple--it has always been the proverbial thorn in my side. In high school I flunked it 3 times (Yes. 3.). I just didn't 'get it' and even if I could 'get it' the bigger question was always--why would I want it? I knew myself well enough to know that I would never have a job that required me to know science and the knowledge of how useless it would be to me in the future translated in my teenage mind to "Science is hard! I can't do it! Science is stupid!"

When my advisor at Crown sent me the list of classes for the Spring semester and I saw that Biology was listed panic immediately set in. However, I had done so well in my previous classes that I thought, possibly, I may be overreacting. As the class started and I began to survey the work I realized that I was absolutely right--"Science is hard! I can't do it! Science is stupid!" All the old feelings and fears came flooding back. By the end of the 2nd week of the class I was sure I would have a nervous breakdown. Then He spoke to me........

As I prayed to the Lord He brought to my attention the fact that I had bought into a lie the devil had sold me long ago. While science is definitely tough, it is not stupid and I can do it! I didn't do well in high school because I didn't care to do well. I was busy hanging out with my friends and partying. I never paid attention in class and rarely did my homework, but I am no longer that person; I am a new creation. I began to take my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ--to Truth! Amazingly enough....the next week was much smoother. The work wasn't any easier, as a matter of fact--it may have been harder, but my outlook was different. I knew that through Christ I could accomplish what He had called me to do. I am going to college because He has called me to this place and He will equip me with all I need.

This week has been extremely hard and I have felt those lies creeping in again. My old attitude is rearing its ugly head and science is beginning to feel 'stupid', but tonight, once again, God reminded me that going back to school has never been about the degree--it's about the journey. It is about me remaining teachable and allowing the Teacher to do His thing. It's about uncovering lies from ages past and breaking free to the truth of my future.

Thank You Lord for the gentle reminders You give me when I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I'm still struggling, but I know You are there....being my Champion. Cheering me on in the race. Thank You for loving me!

A Valentine to my First Love

Dear Jesus,

So often I take Your love for me for granted. I become complacent, almost reckless at times, with our relationship and just assume it will continue. I stop coming to You for everything and begin trying to handle things alone. I get involved in the details of my day and forget to sit down with You and share those details. I expect that You know how I am feeling (which, of course, You do) and forget the importance of communication in our relationship. Until one day I realize--You and I haven't really spent any good, quality time together and a distance has begun to creep in.

I have allowed other things to take Your place. Suddenly, I am aware of all those times I heard You asking me to come sit with You for a bit before running out the door or picking up the phone or opening my computer--and it saddens me. I don't deserve Your forgiveness, yet I know You 'long to be gracious to me and rise to show me compassion' (Isaiah 30:18).

Thank You for the love You never fail to give and for always being faithful, even when I'm not. I love how You take care of me and the children--providing in ways I could have never imagined. You are more than just a Husband and Father--You are the Lover of my soul.

My First Love.

To My Sissy Who....

Dear Whobeedoodle,

Two days ago you turned 13 years old and I am still trying to reconcile it within my heart and mind. It seems like just a few short years ago I brought you home from the hospital. 13 years has gone by too quickly. 13 is such a hard age. You're not quite a woman, but definitely not a little girl. I guess that is why they call it the 'tween' years.

I know you are trying desperately to stretch your wings because you think you are ready to fly, but I hope you will trust me when I have to clip them.

I know it feels like forever before you will be old enough to make your own decisions, but I hope you will trust me when I tell you--these years go by faster than you think and you need to enjoy the innocence of childhood.

I know you see other kids going to dances and hanging out with their friends, but I hope you understand that I keep you close because-- I understand that what looks like innocent fun will often lead you down roads you never wanted to travel.

I know there are so many things you don't understand and probably won't until your 'baby' is turning 13 years old, but I hope you trust that, next to God, I love you more than anyone. Sometimes that love is going to feel like a 'prison' to you because I will have to say "No!" more than I'm able to say "Yes!". However, just like a flower that is being grown in a greenhouse, you must develop a healthy, strong root system before you can be planted with all of the other flowers. If your root system isn't strong enough, you won't be able to fend off the weeds that want to grow around you and pull you down.

I'm so proud of the young lady you are becoming. Your path is not without some rocks and hills (your temper and self control), but I believe, with the help of God, you are strong enough to break those rocks and climb those hills. You are an amazing girl with an awesome heart for others. I am so anxious to watch God work in you and through you over the next few years. My prayer is that you will be moldable and allow Him to shape you into the woman HE wants you to be.

Happy Birthday my sweet girl :)
Love,
Mom

Oh Samantha!

My daughter, Samantha, works at a local grocery store as a checker. She has the privilege of handling money that comes from, well, some not so great places. There is a lady we both know who often carries money in her bra and various discussions have ensued between us regarding this woman's 'wallet'. It creeps Samantha out and, frankly, I can't blame her!

While watching Criminal Minds at 2am, when we should both be in bed, Samantha randomly turns to me and the following conversation takes place:

Sam: "I have great news!"

Mom: "You do? What is it?"

Sam: "B. H. came through my line tonight--with a wallet!!!!"

Her face was totally serious! Mine, however, was not! I couldn't help but burst out laughing at her randomness, amazing sense of humor, and ability to delight in the little joys of life.

Love you Sammie!

Be Thou My Vision

Last month I went to the eye doctor. My eyes had definitely gotten worse over the past year and since I am pushing 40, I was sure the 'B' word was going to come into play. Yep. That 'B' word......bifocals! However, it was just the opposite. Not only did I not need bifocals, but my vision had improved! How could that be? Things were more out of focus now than they were a year ago. According to my optometrist.....my eyes only seemed worse because the lenses I was viewing the world through were no longer a match to my eyes. Hmmmmm....

Lately, my life has been out of focus. Things have been a little rough and I haven't been able to get my eyes to focus clearly. However, this morning I awoke with a sense of clarity and focus that I haven't had for quite awhile. And God brought to mind my visit at the eye doctor. He reminded me that, once again, I was viewing life through the wrong lenses. I have been looking through my eyes, not His. And, even though my eyes had improved, my vision is far from 20/20.

Today, the world looks different. Everything is a little brighter and clearer and I am thankful for the revelation the Lord has given me. My vision will always be skewed, but through His eyes.....my vision is perfect.

"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light"

Hiding Place.....

When I clean house I am a 'stuffer', which translates to:

I go around the house picking things up and stuffing them into places nobody can see. Closets, drawers, garbage cans, cabinets, baskets, boxes, etc. As long as it is out of sight!

And....it works! People stop to visit and, by all outwardly appearance, my house is clean and tidy with nothing out of place. However, lurking in places not seen by most eyes are mounds of junk that I am content to leave there until that day comes when I open the closet and can't shut the door again. Suddenly, all of my junk is exposed. No amount of stuffing will do....it's just full! Then, I am faced with a choice......clean it out completely or take just enough out to allow me to shut the door once more. Today I am faced with that choice again....only.....it's not about junk.

God has shown me that I clean my soul the way I clean house. I am a 'stuffer'. I stuff all my emotions and feelings into places hidden away from most eyes.....including my own. However, there is no closet, basket, trash can, drawer, or cabinet that can conceal me from Him! And....today, He has flung the closet door open and all my 'junk' is sitting in the open....completely exposed. The biggest part of me wants to slam the door shut and tell Him not to do that again. Only, I know Him and if I tell Him not to do it again.....He won't. And, I will be where I am right now.......which isn't a great place.

So, I have decided to clean house......completely. I will open every cabinet, closet, drawer, basket, nook, and cranny within my soul and offer all my fears, doubts, insecurities, hopes, and dreams to Him--where they should have been all along--and allow Him to be my only Hiding Place.

"You are my hiding place;

you will protect me from trouble and surround me

with songs of deliverance"

- Psalm 32:7

All I Have To Give.

There are times when I can see God's footprints so clearly in my life. Each step begs me to follow and as I step into that giant print He leaves, I am always reminded of just how small I am compared to my God. I am also left in awe as I realize He intentionally leaves those footprints for me to walk in. So, I follow along.....skipping excitedly, on fire, full of passion, and completely humbled in His presence.....praising Him all the way! Then there are times like now. Days when I squint as hard as I can, yet can't seem to find His footprints. Moments when His presence feels so far away and completely unreachable. And all I can do is lay at the foot of the cross--speechless.....praising Him.

Life is a little tough right now. I'm not good with emotions and I have a LOT of them. I'm struggling with forgiveness....not the forgiveness I have been given, but the forgiveness I am called to give...and questioning the call that God has placed on my life. How can I serve Him if I can't do what He commands me to do? Has He really called me to ministry when I am so flawed? It feels futile asking that question when I know the answer. Yet, I ask anyway and am reminded through His Word that He can still use me....just not now.

I resigned as a youth leader today.

I have sat here for the past few minutes reading those words over and over. The sadness overwhelms me, yet so does His peace. My heart praises Him, but my voice is silent as I offer Him the only thing I can.....my everything.

My hurt, my pride, my joy, my stubborness, my tears, my unbelief, my lack of faith, my insecurity, my fear,.............my everything.

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor" Isaiah 61:1-3

2010

It's a new year. The end of one decade and the beginning of another. I have thought about this year so many times throughout the past 18 years. I have felt anxiousness and dread at the coming of this year...and every emotion in between. But--it's arrived just the same and faster than I could've imagined. No amount of worry, fret, or dread stopped it. It's here.

This is the year that God will begin to perfect the 'Art of Letting Go'. I will see my eldest child graduate and, possibly, leave for college, my son get his drivers license, and my youngest finally go from the 'tween' years to being an 'official' teenager.

This year is going to be hard on my mommy heart. I'm so glad my heart is in good Hands!